To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

OP in response to you thinking I bailed on a night out drinking to look after my poorly child as 'misogynistic,' well my partner would likely do the same. I can't sit there having cocktails and laughing knowing my child is crying for me while retching into a sick bowl.

Your poor son. For another occasion I would agree to push back on your exP but for this, I’d say out your son first. Have you spoken to him about it? Would be awful to feel unwanted by both parents when a new baby is on its way!

Babies can come early or late you cannot be expected to drop your life for a couple of months "just in case" she has a baby while he is in his father's care

My mom showed up barely legal to drive to the hospital and she was my fucking birthing partner all because dd was early

Personally I had two friends and a relative to take her when I was pregnant with ds just in case similar happened then

He is being Unreasonable he is allowed to ask her if she is available not DEMAND she does what HE WANTS

Spoiled baby

Yes I have notifications muted at night apart from any from boyfriend or parents (and I think anyone who repeatedly rings many times)

Very easy to do on a iPhone.

I'm not trying to make assumptions, but when reading the first few posts the op herself said the child knows the paternal side of the family, the GF's family and that EX also has friends nearby.

Seemed to me that to her any of them would be fine to look after her child overnight. And I doubt the child has had overnight stays at the GF's relatives or the ex's nearby friends.

I agree with you that it would have been different if she knows for sure that the son would be staying with the paternal grandparents/aunts/uncles and he knows them well and will be settled.
But when the OP has listed GF's family and EX's friends as options too, it made me think that this was more about making it difficult for the EX rather than making it easy and comfortable for her son. Might just be how I read it though, I may be wrong.

Don’t criticize domestic abuse survivors for allowing their exes to be near their shared children. It’s not up to mothers whether or not abusive ex-partners and the fathers of their children get to have contact with their kids. It’s up to family court. Who just don’t remove father’s parental responsibility for abusing the mothers of their children.

I don't ask my son this. He constantly tells me that he doesn't want to go to Daddy's, he wants to be with me, etc, etc. Every time he comes home he says he missed me. He is and always has been very, very attached to me. We are very close.

Still, I've had to get used to sending my son to his father regularly despite this. I don't think that a few hours in the care of someone my ex trusts (the worst case scenario) is going to cause lasting trauma.

It simply will not 🙂

A lot of new "gfs" on here! (IMHO)

Thanks for this perspective. Unfortunately my ex has shown that if I ever give an inch, he will take a mile. I think that he likes berating me and pushing until there's an argument.

As an example, he recently made an unreasonable demand and I immediately agreed because it was easier to do so. This wasn't enough - after he got that concession, he kept badgering for more until I set a limit. At that point, he berated me for this limit.

😂

Sometimes I wonder if the gf posts here. She's probably the victim of his abuse now and I used to feel sorry for her/try to be nice to her, but she has jumped in the saddle as co-abuser towards me. It's really gross.

He's lying, he's trying to gaslight and isolate you.
That's not saying he isn't saying shit but people truly don't care.

It's completely unreasonable, maybe see if it's possible to have someone to act as intermediary, so u can limit communication with him.

Or, just maybe, they dont think she is being reasonable either in this situation?
If OP is that sure she is doing the right thing, why is she even here asking.

I agree with this...
People aren't necessarily believing what he is saying, most will have sussed him out by now and probably think he's a right twat.

YABU. You are being asked to look after your own child.

I think if there is someone DS is close to that he can be rushed off to then that’s fair enough.

But I do think that if their childcare falls through e.g. family member is ill, you just have to do what is right for DS, and DS might just need you.

In the first instance I think he should be asking close family members for help first. But if they can’t or won’t, I think for DS’s sake you’re just going to have to do it. And I would say the same the other way around if you was having a baby.

i would just ignore his threats but i would aso go to court to confirm bisitation on certain days

then he cant muck you about

Wait until the baby arrives... poor woman. She has not a clue.

You HAVE to prioritise you and your son (which you are and have been doing), if he has access days with his son he has to deal with them. The court says so. It is the law. Your son will not perish going to a relative on your EXs side.

YABU. You're not picking your son up for anyones benefit but your son. Why would you not want to collect him knowing he is safe and happy? This feels particularly petty. Your ex may well be a twat but is your child's care that is important here.

I'd always put my child first. Always.

In years to come OP, if your DS comments on the night his half sibling was born his DF told him he's going to granny's because mum didn't want to have him, what will you say?

I wouldn't leave my Son with "evil abusive" people, and no party or show is more important than the wellbeing of my child, they might palm him off with anyone.

Ex already told my son this, and told my son to ask me about it.

What do people do when they give birth and have other children they have to have looked after.

So Mum, Dad and little Johnny. Mum goes into labour, what happens to little Johnny

Pre arrange an emergency contact (eg Johnny's grandparents), hope Labour starts when they are at school, or worst case, johnny stays home with dad and mum goes in with a friend/family/alone.

Or home birth.