Page 11 | To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

dadworld345 · 2023-05-11T11:09:34+00:00

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together. His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it. I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad. My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area. Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping. He is now rumourmongering about me at school. AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

Thewitcherswolf · 11/05/2023 14:57

You shouldn’t have to do it OP, but can you line up a family member or close friend to be on call for you in case your ex asks you to pick up your son when you’re at your birthday party/theatre outing? If they that shitty to deal with your ex might call you even if she’s not in labour, claiming later it was a false alarm.

Wereongunoil · 11/05/2023 15:01

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/05/2023 14:57

Pre arrange an emergency contact (eg Johnny's grandparents), hope Labour starts when they are at school, or worst case, johnny stays home with dad and mum goes in with a friend/family/alone.

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And dad can't do this in this case because........

It's not like the op has said no, she's just said I can't do these times. Or should she lose the money she's paid out for tickets etc because dad doesn't want to ask granny

GOW56 · 11/05/2023 15:03

Should I put my life on hold because my horrible ex and his horrible girlfriend decided to have a baby?
It's not for them though its for your child so he can feel safe and secure. Having a new siblings is hard enough anyway. Surely it's better for him to be with you when that happens

Redebs · 11/05/2023 15:05

I can't imagine putting a five year old through a lot of worry and stress just to annoy someone when they are giving birth.

AsphaltGirl · 11/05/2023 15:08

Your own child? Yes, yabu.

sunshineonyou · 11/05/2023 15:09

dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 14:27

Thanks for this perspective. Unfortunately my ex has shown that if I ever give an inch, he will take a mile. I think that he likes berating me and pushing until there's an argument.

As an example, he recently made an unreasonable demand and I immediately agreed because it was easier to do so. This wasn't enough - after he got that concession, he kept badgering for more until I set a limit. At that point, he berated me for this limit.

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@dadworld345 I understand. It’s so hard isn’t it. When you set a limit and he’s nasty and difficult, I would try my best to still be entirely pleasant. I have even apologised over the top and re set my limit while doing so. Obviously a decent person would never leave you in this position where you feel so exhausted by their behaviour but from my experience with my ex, I’ve learnt that the moral high ground comes from calm correspondence that over time leaves them feeling worthless, because they don’t matter enough to rile you up anymore. My ex even said to me a few years down the line that I was ‘so much calmer these days’ and ‘wasn’t I bothered about him anymore?’ I wasn’t ‘calmer these days.’ I was always a calm, happy person, but he was an abusive nightmare. Once I stopped rising to his shit, the perspective changes. It takes time though.

I know men like this can be awful. I’m sorry OP.

sunshineonyou · 11/05/2023 15:11

Redebs · 11/05/2023 15:05

I can't imagine putting a five year old through a lot of worry and stress just to annoy someone when they are giving birth.

@Redebs I don’t think she’s trying to annoy him, she’s trying to live her own life and he should deal with his own childcare issues. It is always men who think they can outsource this in any situation they please.

That said, my previous post stands so I agree dc should be collected if needs be.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 11/05/2023 15:12

It's not that you are unreasonable - you are quite right that you do not exist for your ex's convenience and they have no right to expect you to restructure your life for them.

However, your son's needs must come first - and if your ex is going to be a shit parent then you need to protect your son, and yes that might sometimes mean having to cancel your plans, but the critical difference is that you are not doing it in order to be helpful and facilitate your ex having an easy life, you are doing it for the sake of your son, who has the misfortune to have a shit dad who isn't capable of parenting his first child and will almost certainly be just as shit at being a dad to the new child too (who thankfully isn't your problem.

On the days that your ex has your son, the whole shebang of parenting is his responsibility and if that means that he can't be with his new girlfriend while she is in labour then if he was a good dad then he would just deal with that. Loads of dads don't get to be there for the birth of their second and subsequent children if they can't get suitable childcare for their eldest. That's normal parenting. If he can't deal with that and lets your son down and demonstrates what a crap parent he is, then yes of course you will be there for your son, but you can be absolutely clear that this is in order to rescue the child from an inadequate parent.

Brotherlove · 11/05/2023 15:14

Gently...yab a teeny bit u.

Don't allow your son to be fobbed off on anyone.

My very unreasonable ex demanded to know who would have our child in the same situation.... except I was in hospital 🤦🏽‍♀️. Apparently his family - our child's grandparents wouldn't.
So from my hospital bed I had to find a babysitter.

Don't let you son be left with any stranger...go get him....he'll be feeling at odds as it is with dad having a new baby.

WonderingWanda · 11/05/2023 15:15

He sounds really unpleasant and he shouldn't expect you to do this and certainly shouldn't need bad mouthing you.

That said, personally I think getting a new step sibling will be a big deal for your son, potentially being woken up at night etc. I would think with you would absolutely be the best place for him.

dutysuite · 11/05/2023 15:18

I’d rather my son was with me in this situation. You will be doing it for your son not your ex and his girlfriend.

EhLov · 11/05/2023 15:19

Wouldn't you just want to have your son at such a big life event for him?
You sound like you feel inconvenienced by the suggestion. He's 5. I'd want him to be with his mummy.

Redebs · 11/05/2023 15:20

sunshineonyou · 11/05/2023 15:11

@Redebs I don’t think she’s trying to annoy him, she’s trying to live her own life and he should deal with his own childcare issues. It is always men who think they can outsource this in any situation they please.

That said, my previous post stands so I agree dc should be collected if needs be.

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But it's the child that would suffer and as a mother there are times when you have to be the better person.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/05/2023 15:23

Wereongunoil · 11/05/2023 15:01

And dad can't do this in this case because........

It's not like the op has said no, she's just said I can't do these times. Or should she lose the money she's paid out for tickets etc because dad doesn't want to ask granny

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You seem to be under the impression my comment was for the OP. It wasn't. It was in response to the comment I quoted.

RedRosette2023 · 11/05/2023 15:24

In the same circumstances my DH had my DSS for his Mum when she has given birth to two subsequent children and also had him for around the first two weeks afterwards.

DSS’ Mum had DSS whilst I gave birth the first time, although that was because she wanted a 3 week honeymoon a few months later so we were able to use that as leverage.

The second time we dare not ask as she was making a song and dance about me giving birth in the summer holidays and was trying to pressure my DH to take DSS so she could have a fortnights holiday without him, around my due date. She couldn’t accept that me giving birth was a good enough reason NOT to commit to a period of having DSS. So we made our own arrangements.

Personally I think if the other parent is actually incapacitated (or is by virtue of their partner giving birth) the other parent should absolutely be responsible for their child, even if that’s not how it played out for me.

sunshineonyou · 11/05/2023 15:28

Redebs · 11/05/2023 15:20

But it's the child that would suffer and as a mother there are times when you have to be the better person.

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@Redebs I agree ultimately that dc needs to be collected and OP needs to be available.

Using language like ‘as a mother’ when this involves the father, too, is so damaging for women. We cannot ignore the fact that whilst this is a unique situation for op’s ex, that it’s not ‘as a mother’ that applies, it’s ‘as a parent.’ Sadly I’ve never read ‘as a Dad…’ regarding anything to do with dc!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 11/05/2023 15:29

Who are the posters falling all over themselves to blame the OP for her ex partner’s abusive behaviour?

I’m always reading on here that arranging childcare during your time is your responsibility, unless you’re a precious and special man, whereby the mum should abandon any plans she has and step into the breach, no matter how abusive he is…

Awful.

Justalittlebitduckling · 11/05/2023 15:30

dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:13

@Escapefromhell my ex has told me that other parents are shocked by my refusal and think that I am unreasonable.

It seems weird to me that you have the kind of relationship with your ex where he would tell you stuff like this? Just ignore him and rise above it. In my opinion this would be one of the rare times to make an exception to your usual boundaries, but if you don’t want to that’s on you.

sunshineonyou · 11/05/2023 15:32

ArdeteiMasazxu · 11/05/2023 15:12

It's not that you are unreasonable - you are quite right that you do not exist for your ex's convenience and they have no right to expect you to restructure your life for them.

However, your son's needs must come first - and if your ex is going to be a shit parent then you need to protect your son, and yes that might sometimes mean having to cancel your plans, but the critical difference is that you are not doing it in order to be helpful and facilitate your ex having an easy life, you are doing it for the sake of your son, who has the misfortune to have a shit dad who isn't capable of parenting his first child and will almost certainly be just as shit at being a dad to the new child too (who thankfully isn't your problem.

On the days that your ex has your son, the whole shebang of parenting is his responsibility and if that means that he can't be with his new girlfriend while she is in labour then if he was a good dad then he would just deal with that. Loads of dads don't get to be there for the birth of their second and subsequent children if they can't get suitable childcare for their eldest. That's normal parenting. If he can't deal with that and lets your son down and demonstrates what a crap parent he is, then yes of course you will be there for your son, but you can be absolutely clear that this is in order to rescue the child from an inadequate parent.

@ArdeteiMasazxu exactly this.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/05/2023 15:33

Yabu it's your son also you are being very very unreasonable turning your phone of at night especially when you don't have your son at home

graceinspace999 · 11/05/2023 15:34

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 11/05/2023 15:29

Who are the posters falling all over themselves to blame the OP for her ex partner’s abusive behaviour?

I’m always reading on here that arranging childcare during your time is your responsibility, unless you’re a precious and special man, whereby the mum should abandon any plans she has and step into the breach, no matter how abusive he is…

Awful.

You are so right!

MrsSquirrel · 11/05/2023 15:35

Justalittlebitduckling · 11/05/2023 15:30

It seems weird to me that you have the kind of relationship with your ex where he would tell you stuff like this? Just ignore him and rise above it. In my opinion this would be one of the rare times to make an exception to your usual boundaries, but if you don’t want to that’s on you.

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The kind of relationship where an ex tells a woman stuff like this is an abusive one. He is most likely lying or exaggerating.

TherapySquirrel · 11/05/2023 15:36

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/05/2023 15:33

Yabu it's your son also you are being very very unreasonable turning your phone of at night especially when you don't have your son at home

RTFT

graceinspace999 · 11/05/2023 15:36

I can’t believe people think OP is unreasonable just because she is doing something that differentiates her from a doormat.

RedRosette2023 · 11/05/2023 15:37

ArdeteiMasazxu · 11/05/2023 15:12

It's not that you are unreasonable - you are quite right that you do not exist for your ex's convenience and they have no right to expect you to restructure your life for them.

However, your son's needs must come first - and if your ex is going to be a shit parent then you need to protect your son, and yes that might sometimes mean having to cancel your plans, but the critical difference is that you are not doing it in order to be helpful and facilitate your ex having an easy life, you are doing it for the sake of your son, who has the misfortune to have a shit dad who isn't capable of parenting his first child and will almost certainly be just as shit at being a dad to the new child too (who thankfully isn't your problem.

On the days that your ex has your son, the whole shebang of parenting is his responsibility and if that means that he can't be with his new girlfriend while she is in labour then if he was a good dad then he would just deal with that. Loads of dads don't get to be there for the birth of their second and subsequent children if they can't get suitable childcare for their eldest. That's normal parenting. If he can't deal with that and lets your son down and demonstrates what a crap parent he is, then yes of course you will be there for your son, but you can be absolutely clear that this is in order to rescue the child from an inadequate parent.

My god, that is awful to suggest that the dad is a “bad Dad” for wanting to be present at the birth of his subsequent child. I am quite shocked at that approach.

What if OP had a subsequent child? Would she have to take her son to the hospital as birthing partner?