To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

Tbh I am sure that I am the first option. They treat me as backup childcare. I usually agree as my son prefers being with me. However, I am not going to ruin my life and plans being on call when they can make other arrangements.

I'm really not jealous. I have a wonderful life and boyfriend. I just wish they would leave me alone.

Yes, and as the father he’s perfectly capable of sourcing suitable childcare for his son 🤷🏻‍♀️ it doesn’t need to be OP over one of his family members or a babysitter.

Abusive, but hasnt managed to actually back that statement up and has only used it to justify her spitefulness... Nothing unreasonable, unfair or spiteful about their request. One AH here and its OP. Its her son, who she would rather see go to anyone but herself, so it doesnt interfere with her drinking plans.

Of course you shouldn't have to. But unfortunately you don't really have a choice, do you? It seems its either that or leave your son to be inadequately cared for by a pair of abusers. Its awful when a co parent abdicates responsibility but short of your 5 year old being shunted off to who knows where by people who aren't putting his needs high on the agenda, what else can you do? Do you have a trusted babysitter who could be on call in your place if you're at the party?

I think YABU. Your clouded by the fact you don't want to 'do him a favour'

Rise above it OP, think about your DS. He would want his mum. And rightly so.

I don't think you should cancel specific plans and he needs another option for those scenarios. But in general I think it is reasonable to ask you to be contactable and to go and collect your son. So I voted YABU.

You ARE the backup childcare, what part of being a mum dont you understand here? Arent you treating your ex like back up childcare when you have all these plans you refuse to shift regardless of your childs wellbeing? You called yourself a single mum earlier, but now you have a partner. This really isnt consistent.

Is it possible they'll try and fob XP DW child off on you again?

So mums aren’t allowed nights out? Is that your issue, that she’s daring to want a night out rather than take her son on demand during the fathers contact time? Why does that outrage you so much? Why are you so against him having to sort childcare with HIS family, their sons RELATIVES?

This

Surely, when you have kids, you are always ‘on call’. There is never a time where, in an emergency, you don’t have to rearrange your life around your children.

I haven't mentioned anything about people's capability in looking after the child. I talked about the child feeling safe and settled and focusing on what's best for him instead of focusing on the EX and GF. I am assuming he would feel more safe and settled in his own home with his mother.
Plus the OP hasn't only mentioned the paternal side of the family, it might be the GF's and some nearby friends he apparently should ask to have their child instead of her.

Sorry that w@Naunetas for

Yeah and I’m sure you’d say exactly the same if it was OP demanding he look after their son during her contact time at the drop of a hat, when he already had plans 🙄

This thread isn't about the abuse and I am not going to provide detailed evidence here. I literally had to do a moonlight flit because I was so afraid of him. (But it was all emotional and mental violence, which you probably don't accept as abuse).

You will just have to assume this as a fact for the purpose of the thread and question.

She’s already said she’s got the impression he’s only asked/demanded she do it.

Why would a child not feel safe at their own relatives house? OP hasn’t said anything about his family being abusive etc.

This isnt babysitting, this is a bloody medical issue. This isnt for grandparents to be forced to step in over, why should they be on hold.

Dad isnt asking for a bloody night out, what is wrong with you people. Im outraged that this is clearly spite, a lack of willingness to look after her own child simply to spite the father. Her end goal is hoping he misses the birth, or at least worrying his partner that he may not be able to get there because the older child has no care. That anyone is supportive of her putting her child third to 1) spite towards dad and 2) drinking, is beyond me.

I would be pissed. He's a parent having another baby, big fucking deal.
What does he think happens to women with kids who go into labour? Their partners sort the kids out is what happens, if that means dad has to miss the birth because he has a child tough, they should have planned better. He had months to arrange something and they both knew there was a child.

It IS a reasonable request between two people who have been decent to each other, but coming from someone who'd treated me like shit I would be bristling like crazy at it. I'd likely do it, but I'd be scowling at the adults involved and would bring it up as evidence of their shitty adulting skills during any future shitty treatment from them.

I would just explain that you can’t put your life on hold, and that you’ll be happy to collect your son if you’re available, but if you’re out then you won’t be able to, so he needs to have other back up in place. And I would make it clear this is only for your son’s benefit.

You have no idea what id say, or have said, so your point is moot.

Medical issue?! Him and his new girlfriend are having a baby, they’ve had 9 months to sort childcare, it’s not a surprise and unexpected, which would be very different.

Whats wrong with me?! What because I’m not calling a woman bitter, jealous and now spiteful for not jumping on demand for a man that abused her? For not seeing the idea of him having to ask his family (the child’s own relatives) for help as outrageous? Yeah ok…

Im sorry, Im now a troll because I dont agree with you? You literally said you were single mother, then a magical boyfriend appeared when you needed to prove that you totally arent bitter and/or jealous.

But im a troll, ok then.

Going against the grain - not your day, not your problem. Does your son have a preference for where he would like to be?

Doesn’t your son come first with you? So you might miss a boozy 50th - too bad. Being a parent is being available ALL the time - even with shared parenting. And who switches their phone off at night - your son isn’t a shared commodity - he should be your main priority.

The birth of a baby is a big deal - no matter your relationship with your ex and his partner. I can’t believe any sane - and decent - person would dig their heels in over this for the sake of their own interests.