Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

Boarding school is completely different in my opinion, to parents working! For day kids, they can spend time with mum and dad in the evening, have cuddles before bed, a night time story. They can walk to school with mum or dad in the morning, chat over breakfast. Mum or dad can take them to after school activities. They can tell mum or dad about their day - the stresses, the fun times, the worries, the excitement and mum or dad will listen and give advice.

Then there's illness. If off school ill mum and dad can comfort, bring hot drinks, buy a magazine for kid to read, snuggle them up in a duvet etc..

A 7 year old alone at boarding school has none of that. And that's the stuff where kids learn about emotion, being cared for, building a secure base, and what love is ...

Sometimes army life can mean changing schools very frequently and this can cause instability in the quality of schooling. Sometimes the only schools with available places when getting a new posting are awful. They have obviously discussed it and think it is the right step for their child. Service life is challenging enough with children without your own family being judgemental on top

My understanding is that army and diplomatic services only get thr big fees subsidised if the school has boarding and they get more of a subsidy if the child boards ie boarding is the cheapest option for these families (i think government pays 80% to 100% of fees in this instance)

Only covers that much of the fees for the State boarding schools, not the big name Public schools. The limit is £6000 a term fir Primary and £8000 for Secondary.

@SaltyGod sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I was telling you off. Hope you find helpful responses in another thread.

A friend of mine was sent away at 4. Yes 4. And his sister. They weren't particularly wealthy and went without any holidays etc to afford it. Mum just didn't want to look after them. He was a beautiful guy, very confident blah bt inside was very sad. I can't imagine anyone doing that. It was a boarding school down the road. Yes he has issues with relationships, and everything :-(

Typical boarding school syndrome, despises emotions and feelings and love as “weakness”, overcompensating by toughening up and demands other people to do so, because the childhood self was killed prematurely and emotional side has to be shut down to cope.

why I know? Because I went to boarding school at a later age, and the classmates who went at 7 are like this.

Now about my experience: I was abused at home, my parents, two narcissistic sociopaths who are twisted beyond words. I needed to get away from them. So when they want to send me to boarding school, I agreed. As I have no attachment to them, I didn’t cry at all when I went. But boarding school was also terrible. It is only better in the way that the abuse was shared by 40 kids, and not just towards me. The matrons were cold and cruel, when I ran a fever, I was given two pills and nothing. There’s no ‘care’. When i vomited during sickness, I was left to clean it up myself.

but, apart from that (because my parents are the same, so this part I will not focus on. Also I will not focus on the love part because I don’t have that at home neither), what bothered me the most was that there’s no freedom at all, it’s literally a prison, all rules and timetables, you have not a single minute a day to wind down, relax, have your own time, you are always herded like cattle. If it’s not bedtime, even if you have finished all your work, you can not shower and go to bed early to get extra sleep even if you are really tired. It’s literally PRISON. Every Sunday evening when I had to go back to school, I have this incredibly dread and sadness, like going back to prison. I don’t even know which is better, an abusive home with some freedom, or a slightly less abusive prison.

so to the one who justify boarding by saying parents could be not attentive at home. Well, no matter how inattentive the parents are, they are more attentive than you who send your kids to boarding school and only see them once couple of weeks😄

also, the freedom, your own time, I’m not even talking about exaggerated freedom, I’m talking basic human right freedom, no matter how inattentive the parents are at home. You do not have them at boarding school. From how many minutes you can spend brush you teeth, tale a shower, on you meal, how often can you go to the toilet etc.

when I turn 13 and went to the secondary school of that school, there was a lot more freedom. And it should be better than home. But not. Because guess what? Most of my classmates went boarding there at 7, and once they hit puberty, they all went batsh*t crazy. I remember thinking I’m surrounded by lunatics. The evil in them, some of them developed a habit of torturing animals. Will catch insects and find creative ways to torture them. One person brought a few hamsters to school, all tortured to death. Incredibly scary environment.

they went boarding at age 7, and weekly boarding. I once got a chance to talk to their homeroom teacher from when they were 7, she said they had a range of strange symptoms, some would suddenly stop everything he’s doing as if frozen, some has nervous ticks, etc

Unfortunately there is. “The process doesn’t matter, it’s the outcome matters”. you are talking about your children like products, more than children you have feelings and love towards. “The process doesn’t matter”, what they went through doesn’t matter, the only thing matters is the outcome to your interest🙄what a typical depiction of a ‘parent’ who send their children to boarding school. Don’t think you’ve parented. It’s outsourced. Because “the process doesn’t matter”. Only having children for the benefit of old age care then.

What a middle age view on childhood.”childhood doesn’t exist, children are just small sized adults, hurry and rush them to grow up is better for them. I don’t believe anyone is this uneducated, so I guess you are just playing dumb

As boarding school on a whole, its children grow up in institutions, that’s just orphanage.

I'd rather live apart from my husband than do this. Is she someone who proclaims they couldn't cope without their husband? (But fine for the 7 year old to live apart from family) My mum is always saying this...to me who's a widow and doesn't have much choice but to cope!

I went at 7. 7-12 was fine (weekly). 12-16 I didn't enjoy much but boarding was ok. It was just a bit endless as we got 9 days a term at home max.

@Babyimyours good grief, when was that. Boarding schools have changed. My son aged 23 decided he wanted to board occasionally when he was 7 because all the activities he loved were there. Started off coming home weekends then said he wanted to be a full boarder - he just lived the opportunities and camaraderie. They are come sated by very long holidays to make up for the long days. By the time he got to the senior school he wanted to be a day pupil. It depends on the child - you have to be led by them. It’s not a one size fits all.

Personally think it's extremely sad. I'm so very close to my children, we have a huge bond and spend loads of time together, they both have ND and need extra love and support, but IMO a 7 year old ... even a 15 year old, needs their parents. There are exceptions of course, but that's quite unknown
I lived near both RAF and Army towns (coincidence) as a child and loads of the children came to our schools and used to travel with their parents - they adapted by
Moving every few years

I see this is an old post but I just wanted to add my experience of being sent to boarding school at 6 years old. A little girl whose parents had separated the year before. I was absolutely heartbroken and cried so much for my family. My mother didn’t even pick me up on a Friday but sent a taxi to collect me as she was working. She worked for my grandmother so there was no reason for her not to pick me up.. or have my at home every night after school.
At 48, I am still processing this trauma, more particularly since becoming a mum myself 17 years ago.
I don’t like or respect my mother for the decisions she made. She deliberately ignored my cries as a child.
I have recently gone NC with my mother and have no intention of speaking to her again even though she is older and in poor health. You reap what you sow. Ironically, she was expecting me to care for her in old age, which I am not prepared to do.
I start therapy tomorrow to unpack my issues around being sent away.
My advice to anybody thinking of doing the same to their children and particularly your sister, don’t do it.. and if you do, be warned that estrangement will likely be the outcome later in life.

Of course it’s wrong unless a child has additional needs and the option is better for the child and that must be a really difficult decision for parent/parent to make

I would not even consider sending ds to boarding school at 7 or 14 or 16

Good luck when your daughters become mothers themselves.

The prestige of the school is pointless if he is miserable. Children need parents. I think it should be illegal. Its old fashioned and barbaric. Unless there is a real need for it, such as respite etc I don't agree with that at all. I don't understand why a parent would choose to do this.

I'm so sorry for you. I cannot imagine how awful that was. X

I’m always amazed on these threads how the children decided they loved to board

ds would have happily had sleepovers either at home or his friends five nights a week that doesn’t mean he could and I know many of his friends would have felt the same

such young children making such fundamental decisions over their lives seems a lazy way of explaining choices made

I would have rather of not argued about homework either but it’s just another part of parenting for many of us

Thank you. It has affected every part of my life.
It’s sickening to read parents on here justifying sending their children away.. Most kids will put on a brave face. I just hope it doesn’t come back to bite their parents on the bum later in life. Its usually when someone becomes a parent themselves that the feelings of abandonment come to light. Realising we would never do the same to our own children.
There is never justification for sending your children to boarding school.. and if your children want to go I would seriously be wondering why. It isn’t so they can achieve and experience independence like one mother wrote.. if she’s completely honest, she can’t be bothered to be a mother…
It has little to do with providing the best for your children. If anybody is triggered reading that statement then they know what I’m saying is true.
Good luck later in life..
Your children can have a brilliant education and still come home at night.

I enjoyed boarding, and enjoyed being at home during the holidays too.

Still have a good relationship with both my parents with no resentment.

We're all different.

Perhaps your parents were supportive in other ways, mine weren’t. Everyone has different circumstances, however, I still don’t see there is any reason to send a child to boarding school.
Glad it’s all worked out for you though. x

No reason at all?

Single parent shift workers?
Two military parents? Or single military parents?
Disabled parent struggling?
Diplomats in fractious countries?
Flight attendant/pilots with little option for childcare?
High-needs disabled or even violent sibling so child can't get peace at home?

Stability of a boarding school can be better than some circumstances.
It might not be better going home to parents every afternoon, but it's not always possible to go home to parents every evening.

And some kids just want to live in an Enid Blyton novel and actually love boarding!

It is the most abnormal thing any parent could do. Sending your child off to essentially be brought up by others.
At 7 yrs of age it is the most selfish and imo abusive act. It will affect that child for life.
Do not have children if you do not want to bring them up in the family home surrounded by family not strangers.
They should be ashamed.