I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

[Itsjustnotmything]

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

I actually don't mind dogs, but other people's pets don't enhance my life in any way, shape or form.

Same here - except for next door's adorable cat who comes visiting.

It's possible the in-laws just don't like OP very much and she doesn't really fit into their family. They all sound sociable and friendly. They all get together and have invited OP but she's declined. I'm not sure what is more family friendly than a day in the park or a nature walk ending at a pub? If OP can't tolerate the dogs sitting in a pub that's going to be really tricky. Plenty of pubs have a little play area for kids in the garden. Do the aunts and uncles play with the kids once at the pub? Have you ever managed to go once OP?

And I suspect the OP does t like nor ever had done… them

Oh for gods sake a normal dog isn’t going to kill or harm you

Lol. So their teeth are made of marshmallow or something? In 2022 there were 22,000 injuries by out of control dogs in the UK alone. They weren't all "guard dogs, hounds or XL bullies" now were they?

OP, is that you?

I have no idea about the source of your facts about dog related injuries, but this is in a UK population of 10s of millions. I’m not going to be drawn into an argument about dubious statistics, but would like to reassure the fearful that most dogs are not going to injure them or, in fact, be in the least bit interested in them.

I’m a dog lover. I have three. But your mocking tone dismissing someone’s fear, is really off.

What strikes me is the lack of consideration towards other people.

When we had cats, if we had people come to our house who didn't like cats, I would shut them away so that our visitor(s) could relax. I like to make people feel welcome. I loved my cats and they were very important to me, but my friends were also important to me.

Why can't other pet owners do the same? It isn't difficult. All pet owners I know don't have the "love me love my dog" attitude. They love their dogs, but they also love their friends and families and don't put their dogs before them.

Obviously there are more dogs about, but there are also more bad dog owners about, and these are the people that cause the issues.

Dog lovers on MN are always posting that MN hates dogs. I'm not seeing that. I see more dog lovers on here than people who dislike dogs.

For the record - I quite like dogs. I grew up with them and am comfortable around dogs, even though I was attacked by two alsations when I was 7.

but would like to reassure the fearful that most dogs are not going to injure them or, in fact, be in the least bit interested in them

I'm over 60 and I've been bitten by dogs twice in my life. Once when a corgi launched itself out of its front gate at me walking by and bit my lower calf,
a completely unprovoked attack. And bitten again years later similarly unprovoked when out walking. I'm not keen to have it happen again so I keep away from dogs as much as is possible. I don't think that's irrational.

It’s stopping her participating in normal family life.

Where does it say you have to have a dog, like dogs, or put your needs before them to participate in “normal” family life?

Many people participate in normal family life with dogs not being a part of the equation.

The only people who are missing out on normal family life is the in-laws who can’t put their dogs on leads or have them somewhere else for a short period of time for a visit.

Both.

You take responsibility for your own decisions.

People can choose to socialise primarily with their dogs, this will limit what they do.

People can choose not to socialise around dogs. This will limit what they do.

It's the assumption that your phobia should limit the choices of others that is flawed. In this case limit the activities of a whole group who would rather socialise with their dogs.

One person's phobia does not get to dictate the activity of a group.

People are not obliged to limit their choices because of your phobia.

It's the assumption that your phobia should limit the choices of others that is flawed

I don't have a phobia. I just don't like dogs and choose not to be around them.
That's a choice.

How do you assume that from one comment? I've had many fears over the years but you have to work on them you can't expect others to adjust for you.

OP can choose not to get involved in the family activities with dogs.
She can't control what they think or say about her.
And she can't control if they choose not to socialise without the dogs as she would like.

She will then have to live with not caring that she's seen as difficult, not being involved with what sounds like a happy family, and her children not having the experiences the cousins have had.

But at least her children won't be savaged by dogs.

I know which seems a healthier happier childhood to me.

Why do you assume that? I don't have a fear of dogs but I do/did have other fears, I have found ways to overcome them so I dont limit my life. I wouldn't expect others to make allowances for them.

Would you think that is acceptable if someone said that about children?

It was a general 'your' related to the OPs situation.

Fair enough your choice not to be around dogs. Just don't complain if people who want to be with their dogs choose that.

Both individual choice neither trumps the other.

Would you think that is acceptable if someone said that about children?

Loads of people say that and think that.

Would you think that is acceptable if someone said that about children

Bingo. I don't know why some dog lovers always claim a comparison between dogs and children.....oh wait........

Loads of people say that and think that

Yes, they do :)

Why would you assume that someone vaguely supportive of the OP's stance is a sock puppet? I'm not the OP, you can search me or check with MNHQ if it makes you feel better.

I mean, question the source if you like but it's very easy to just Google it yourself (that's all I did by the way, and it's reported by the BBC as a result of multiple FOI requests to police forces 🤷🏻‍♀️). But I'm unsure what you're trying to say - that the facts are wrong, or that they're right but 22,000 is not that bad?

Either way, it's irrelevant. The point is that having a fear of/wariness of/aversion to something that could harm you is not, by itself, irrational. We could argue all day about how likely it is, how different people might choose to mitigate the risk, where the line is, etc etc. The point is that the OP is not some loon who is ruining her life by not getting therapy. She is a perfectly normal person who is choosing not to engage with scratchy, smelly, annoying dogs.

Her PILs, on the other hand, are putting some dogs above their grandchildren. That's the bottom line, regardless of anyone's opinions on dogs.

I know which seems a healthier happier childhood to me.

Not being around in-laws who prioritise their dog over their grandchildren sounds like a healthy happy choice to me. @Itsjustnotmything seems quite at ease with this choice, I just don't see how that choice is limiting her life in any way.

I haven’t dismissed anyone’s fear, I’ve suggested getting treatment for it.

Are you scared of all breeds OP? Surely not?

Well everything is fine then.

Everyone is doing what they want and OP feels this is in her children's best interest.

Seems a shame for her kids to me, but they're not my kids.

😀fair enough, they're not mine either.