I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

[Itsjustnotmything]

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

I am 50/50 here: Do you not leave the house ever to go places there are dogs? Nowadays this is pretty much everywhere. Could you not make an effort to learn to be around the specific family dogs? Try with the easiest one smallest/quietest. My mum is terrified of dogs would scream if one approached her on a walk… I bought a Rottweiler. My mum knew if she wanted to come in my house again she needed to like the dog so she came every single day for weeks, feeding her, training her over all getting used to her. And guess what, my mum loves her! She will even stroke other dogs on walks! She has stricter rules that other family members: no licking, jumping, sitting on her and the dog knows this. You could try this not even with the intention of being able to stroke them but just to coexist in a wider family unit from time to time.

MIL especially seems to be abit of AH if she will not do any activity’s with you and your small children that arnt just focused around your children. We do dog walks but also no dog days out to the zoo aquarium etc with out the dog. But it also seems unreasonable that you and your children won’t do any non-child centred activities with them either. going for drinks in the evening is not the easiest with small children, but not impossible either. Going for a walk with small children is easy.

To me it seems that both sides are too inflexible and won’t compromise. You only want to do activities centred around your children they only want to do activities centred around their dogs. Both need to compromise.

Right, but it's very easy to live a perfectly normal, happy, free, full life without interacting with dogs. I'm doing it. I'm not missing out on anything

Agreed, I've managed it for 60 years. I don't mind dogs at a distance, as long as they don't interfere with me.
If they do then I ask the owner to get it under control. I've never allowed a dog in my house. If a friend or relative couldn't come without their dog, fair enough, don't come. Not my problem, it's theirs.

Dogs are central to this family and how they socialise.
You don't like dogs.

This is going to cause an issue.

You need to try to learn to tolerate being around dogs if you want to be involved in the life of the family or you're going to be very sidelined.

The activities they are suggesting sound great for children. Lots of family around to amuse children, older cousins to play with, dogs to play with, outside fresh air, relaxed meals. Sounds like a lovely family atmosphere to be a part of.

If you are excluded from this because you don't like dogs you and your children are missing out.
The whole group is not going to change to accommodate you.
They have something that works and they all enjoy.

You'll have to decide if you want to take steps to get more involved or not and then accept if you are sidelined.

Sounds lovely to you maybe-but not to many people. Fair enough if the only socialising you do is with your dog, but you shouldn’t be telling others they’re anti social if they don’t want animals around. Personally I find the thing of taking your dog everywhere you go anti social-and I’m a dog lover-sadly no longer an owner-but like to fuss them out and about. But I’d never put any dog above a member of my family who disliked them.

I wouldn’t go on long country walks now, never mind when my children were small.
Same as sitting in sibling’s home drinking. I have to drive there and back, no buses.
Also pub is no fun with small children. Unless has soft play and has playground 🛝 etc.
I like dogs. But when we had ours, she would have hated to be struck in a pub/cafe. She much preferred the settee. Asleep.

I am like you OP but with cats. I would advise you to try to overcome your fear to some degree like I have. I would never own a cat and prefer not to be in a house that has one. However when I met my wonderful PiLs and realised that they were cat people (had 2 at the time) I gave my head a big wobble and learned to tolerate them. I was fortunate that PiLs met my fear half way. FiL, a very perceptive person, cottoned onto the fact that I didn't like the animals within a few minutes of knowing me and kept them out of my way and as I say I eventually overcame my actual fear.

Your in laws need to be a bit more like mine but you too need to do your bit. It's worth it for your children, lest you pass on your dog fear. It will take more effort than it did me simply because dogs like human company. My cat fears came from my DM. She admits this even though she tried her hardest not to communicate them to me. I knew and copied her. Thanks to PiL I have managed not to do the same. DS2 has a cat, that he adores and I just get on with it. I've even offered to mind said cat, though thankfully DS has never taken me up on it!

@Itsjustnotmything

“It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings”

what’s up with that?

I wouldnt take my children to a house with fours dogs. I’m not afraid of dogs but four of them around small children would be a no, I don’t trust them and I don’t trust my small child to not annoy them.

It’s your MIL problem, not yours. You have offered alternatives, they haven’t been accepted.

It’s your in laws that are being unreasonable by not being prepared to compromise. They’re going to have to eventually come around to yours to see your children and be part of their lives without the dogs. I would just leave it in their hands now, the ball is in their court.

I'd go for tackling the phobia.

I used to be very phobic about birds (actually fainted once, I was so scared). It was not only very frightening, but really inconvenient, eg I couldn't wait for a train if there were pigeons on platform. It got so bad I thought I was going to have to stop driving, the urge to duck whenever a bird flew towards the windscreen was becoming really hard to overcome.

I spoke to my GP about it, and was referred for CBT. It only took 6 sessions before it became much more manageable, and it's been absolutely life changing. I got CBT on the NHS, which probably is much harder these days, but if it was a life-changer like it was for me, and it only took 6 sessions, it might well be worth investing in getting it sorted.

Society has become much more dog-friendly in recent years, dogs are allowed in more and more public places, and that must tough for someone dog-phobic.

There is a huge difference between meeting stranger dogs in passing in public space and being expected to be part of the group with dogs. Even more so, when the owner doesn't see an issue.

I don't want dogs to touch me in any way. Stranger dogs typically don't, and it is clearly their owner fault if they do, I can ask them to put the beast away.
Walk/sitting in a pub garden with people with dogs means prolonged exposure to their (dogs') randomness and even with some level of effort from both sides some contact happens and I am expected to put up with it.

And getting to know the specific dog in the family isn't the way either-I don't trust the beast and the owner's judgement.
I don't mind keeping an eye on a BIL's child for a moment, but I just can't do it with both the toddler and the dog having a free roam in the same room.

The only positive I can see is the support of DH.

Ewww, why don't dog obsessed people understand that not everybody likes dogs and some people are actually afraid of them, especially multiple dogs!

Have they not heard the stories where packs of dogs, (three or four or more of them,) will set about one particular person? I think a pack of four actually killed a teenager several years ago. It's not just toddlers and babies that they kill.

There's a woman in our road that walks her baby around in a pushchair and has a flipping dog on the loose behind her. (BIG dog.) And if you go anywhere near her to look at the baby, the dog growls and lurches towards you. Obviously protecting the baby. But she says 'he won't hurt you!' How the actual FUCK she knows this - I have no idea!

I also used to refuse to go into my now husbands house, (like, 30 years ago when we first met,) because his mom and dad had three big dogs. Big Labrador cross, a German Shepherd, and a Doberman. For some reason they thought I was being unreasonable. Coz I was afraid to go in.

His mom said I was being childish. and they are 'just dogs...' I said to my DH, 'no way am I going to be penned in that kitchen by three big fucking dogs. You're not going to be able to pull off if they attack me.' Thing is, first 2 or 3 times I went, they all growled and barked at me, and the Doberman lurched towards me one time with his teeth showing, and it terrified me. I got the 'they won't hurt you,' and 'their bark is worse than their bite' bullshit. I told DH I will not go to his house again with those dogs there.

Unfortunately, whilst there are some lovely dog owners and some lovely dogs out there, some owners are absolute arseholes who are really entitled, and can't understand why people are afraid of their precious pooch. Probably let their dog shit over footpaths everywhere as well.

I think at this point you might be wanting to rethink this relationship with your partner. When my now husband's mom (and dad) were actually making fun of me for being scared of dogs, I was actually wondering whether I should continue this relationship. And I told DH this. I said 'I can't carry on with you as long as these dogs are always here, and your family take the piss out of me.' He must have had a word with because his mom and dad started putting the dogs in the back garden, and stopped having a go at me. Never took the piss again.

I know, dog - obsessed people can be so tiresome

How far away do you live from each other? I have a small child and a dog and tbh I wouldn't describe long walks as adult, we manage that fine but the issue here is that you're scared of dogs. I would never bring my dog with me if I knew someone I was going to be with was afraid of him. I wouldn't leave him for a long time either though because that's my responsibility as an owner. So my family live about 2 hrs away, we take our dog out early and run the legs off him so he's exhausted and then we leave. It means we can only spend about 3 hrs with my family before we need to leave to get back and we walk and spend the evening with the dog. They could make it work if they wanted to. I think it's reasonable for them to suggest things that their dogs can come to since they're the ones doing the organising. But I think they should make the effort to come to things you organise without the dog provided you are organising things that mean they aren't going to be away for entire days.

You need to get over the dog phobia, you'll only pass it on to your children. However YANBU about all the other stuff.

OP won't compromise either, so I'm not sure why it's all MIL's fault 🤷‍♀️

You can decide you are right and they are wrong but that just means you're going to be left out.

They have a way of socialising that works for them, they want you to get involved but you don't want to.

OP has compromised and has asked if the dogs could be on a lead and do a shorter walk and was told it was unfair to the dogs.

It amazes me how OP has to suck it up even though she is trying and in-laws are unwilling to even do relatively small things to accommodate other family members despite OP’s DH doing their things when they had their children.

Four dogs is a lot no matter how some posters want to twist it especially around a 6 mo and a 3 yo in an enclosed space. I’m not afraid of dogs but I definitely wouldn’t want to be around that many at once, children or not, especially with the attitudes their owners have.

Do any of these people who can't possibly leave the dogs go to work?

I understand not wanting to leave a dog home alone all day but I think they could come for Sunday lunch and only stay a couple of hours. The problem is they are offended that you don't want the dogs there.

Also, inviting children to evening things is silly. My MIL was annoyed that I wouldn't bring my baby to a wedding evening do and told everyone how disappointed she was that he wouldn't be there but I stood my ground, it started at 7pm which was literally his bedtime and he would have been miserable. And I wanted a drink.

I think they should do more to accommodate you and in return it might be an idea to try and get more comfortable with the dogs. But four at once in an enclosed space is a bit much for someone with a phobia.

These seem like normal weekend activities. We do these things with our 2 year old all the time.
Can you not get carriers for the children?
Can you not go for part of the walk?
Can you not just pop to the pub for an hour to say hello?
Can you not find a pub that's dog friendly and has a playground (there are plenty where we live. Dog and child-friendly cafes too.
If you want to spend time with them, you can find a portion of their activity that's suitable for your family.

Not sure the OP is all that bothered, though. I'm not getting the sense that she is, she just doesn't want to be moaned at and criticised for her choices.

In which case if in-laws want to see their GCs, they are going to have to do it without the dogs. I think it's incredibly sad that they aren't willing to do that – most GPs get something out of a relationship with their grandchildren, but OP doesn't get anything out of having a relationship with in-laws dogs. It is weird sense of priorities imo.

Im wondering if everyone who suggests the OP needs ‘therapy’ is a dog owner 😂

YANBU, apart from the dogs you are at very different stages of your life than your relatives, agree things may be easier if the younger ones start to have kids.

Your husband sounds very supportive thankfully, your own little family and your well-being are the priority here.

Your MIL has too much time on her hands if she can find time to criticise you and she’s clearly forgot what it’s like to have a young family.

I don’t mind dogs myself but would be well pissed off if my life had to revolve around other peoples!

YANBU.

What I'd suggest though is getting some therapy to desensitise you around dogs, not so you can be there with baby and dogs roaming around, but to help you when you come across dogs in normal life.

My mum has been fearful of dogs since one went to attack her and my sister some 52 years ago.

I introduced her to one of my littler dogs (shug/shichon cross) and she is now comfy with him. She's even said she could look after him if I go away. My big dog, a white German shepherd, though I wouldnt introduce her because he has a big mouth and large teeth.

Dog owners need to accept not everyone loves dogs like we do.

Glad your DH is onboard, I hope they come round xxx

Exactly. I love dogs however my mums just jumps at my legs and scratches me and ladders tights. If I sit down it jumps on me / climbs on me to get to my face and has to be physically restrained. I had the audacity to mention this in a negative way to my mum ie not keen on this behaviour Her response - don’t come round then. Op doesn’t say if the dogs are boisterous or not but you don’t have to be scared of dogs not to want to be around them.