I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

[Itsjustnotmything]

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

It all sounds far too dog centred. I dont like dogs either snd it does irritate me when folks whole lives are centred round a dog.no point in falling out though.

The problem is some dogs can not be left alone for long before they start getting very distressed. So you suggesting activities without dogs is like them suggesting activities young children can not come to.
I would get treatment for your phobia. Sitting in a pub having Sunday lunch is pretty much what our meet-up activities as an extended family have always been. Its hard to suit all ages, and any dogs that can manage being in a pub for a meal without getting kicked out will be well behaved.

This is what jars me and irks me. Even if they're not 'scary' dogs, or a bit fierce, and growly; they are still very annoying to be around sometimes. My friend has 2 border collies that are lovely dogs, and just come and sit by you, and enjoy a bit of a fuss and having their fur stroked for a few minutes. Then they settle down and go in the garden or go sit in their basket. She takes them for a walk twice a day, no matter what the weather. Beautiful dogs.

DH's brother however, used to have a cocker spaniel that used to actually bounce around the room, the furniture, the walls, people legs (and body,) and just bark bark bark bark bark bark bark. He was not vicious or aggressive, but he was SUCH hard work. Super high energy dog, in a tiny 2 bed newbuild with NO front garden, and a 25 feet X 20 feet back garden. They rarely took him for walks, and he regularly chewed the furniture, the skirting boards, and the wood surrounding the doors (doorframe,) and also peoples slippers and shoes, and even the kids toys...

There are 2 types of dog owners. My friend, and DH's brother. Most people wouldn't have an issue with dogs if a lot more owners were like my friend.

My DH's brother used to think his dog's behaviour was hilarious and endearing. It wasn't. It was fucking dreadful. We eventually stopped going to his house (after about a dozen times of tolerating this dog!) After 2 years, they rehomed him. Can't imagine why.

I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t trying to help you then. 🤷‍♀️

Doesn't sound like dogs are even the main problem here it's the lack of child inclusion. They can't walk that far. They can't drink or stay up late.
DH should tell his mum how sad it is that she did so much with the kids previously but now you have them she's stopped. What sort of stuff was it anyway?
But I have to say you are modelling a poor example for your kids if you dont try harder to be around people with dogs. I'm not saying like them, love them, get loads, but be able to get in the same room as one. Your kids will grow up terrified because they won't know how to react to them, manage them or control themselves.
My boy was scared of dogs and we had to train him to pretend they were invisible because otherwise a dog will be curious about your reaction and come up to you. Pretend they are not there and they ignore you back.
He's fine with them now.

A dog bit me on the face when I was about 3. I wouldn't say I'm terrified of them but I'm wary as it only takes a second for a dog that is poorly trained or wound up somehow to hurt a child. I avoid them when possible, especially if my young children are present.

YANBU for prioritising your children. It's a shame the family won't do the same occasionally.

I think it's incredibly sad that they aren't willing to do that – most GPs get something out of a relationship with their grandchildren, but OP doesn't get anything out of having a relationship with in-laws dogs. It is weird sense of priorities imo

This

Im wondering if everyone who suggests the OP needs ‘therapy’ is a dog owner

I'd put money on it.

I suggested therapy and I am not a dog owner. But life must be pretty difficult if you refuse to be around dogs. They are common in so many pubs and cafes now.

My friend has 2 border collies that are lovely dogs, and just come and sit by you, and enjoy a bit of a fuss and having their fur stroked for a few minutes.

So has mine. But these dogs need a lot of interaction, likely due in no small part to the intelligence of the breed. They really are some of the smartest dogs around.

Friend's border collie is on the go all day. She needs constant stimulation. Hiding objects around for her to find, telling her to pick specific toys out of her toy box - she'll get the right one and bring it to you every time - and for hours at a stretch, and I do mean hours, she'll be rolling a ball at your feet wanting you to throw it for her.

Sitting quietly isn't an option unless she's only just back from a 1-hour walk.

If you can offer these dogs the time and commitment they truly need, they're a rewarding and loyal friend to have around. But my WORD they are hard work. It's like having a toddler around!

No I don't have dogs. I just don't think being afraid of dogs/cats/spiders is an acceptable excuse for an adult.

No I don't have dogs. I just don't think being afraid of dogs/cats/spiders is an acceptable excuse for an adult

Thankfully, you are in the minority who have little understanding of the subject.

Wow. Are you always so completely lacking in social awareness and empathy?

People are not required to accommodate other's phobias.

If you have a phobia which limits your life and choices this is for you to address, and not for others to limit themselves and their choices over.

People are not required to accommodate other's phobias

People are not required to accommodate others' dogs.

If you have a phobia which limits your life and choices this is for you to address, and not for others to limit themselves and their choices over

Serious question, if I invited someone to my house for dinner, and they asked to bring their dog, and I said the dog was not invited - so they said they couldn't come, which of us is limiting their life and choices?

OP does NOT need therapy. She just needs the in-laws to not bully her into doing doggy activities by calling her unsociable or difficult.

Both of you.

OP's in-laws are only willing to see OP, her DH and their children on their own terms. OP/DH have offered plenty of flexibility to facilitate that relationship. In-laws' position is rigid and offers no degree of accommodation at all.

Relationships are about compromise. One side has been willing to do this. The other hasn't.

It's the side which hasn't that is limiting their own choices to interact with their grandchildren. That's entirely on them.

This isn't about the dogs. It is, I suspect, about a well-entrenched family dynamic in which only one side does the giving. It's no wonder OP's DH feels he's reached the end of the road with this.

It's pretty easy to avoid them actually. They may be in some pubs and cafes but certainly not all and owners have to keep them under control. They aren't allowed to wander around jumping and slobbering over people which is probably what the inlaws dogs will do. Suggesting that people need therapy just because they don't want to be in close contact with dogs is ridiculous.

Both of you

That's not true because my choice is the one that counts.
The choice not to have a dog in my house. I have plenty of other friends with dogs who don't feel the need to take them everywhere, and I have friends without dogs as well. One friend who is surgically attached to their dog does not limit my life at all.

These are not unreasonable weekend activities though, nature walks and going to the pub? It sounds like your fear of dogs iss out of control and stopping you doing normal things. This seems like an irrational phobia you need to get control of, can’t you see the fear of dogs that you have, is controlling you and affecting your and your partner’s life?

Because you’ve mentioned dogs on MN, you’ll get people telling you that you’re totally reasonable and dogs are terrible and shouldn’t be allowed. But if the fear you’ve mentioned was of heights or holes or anything else, you’d see it for what it is - an irrational phobia that’s limiting your life options.

Phobias stem back to early traumas and are very treatable with CBT.

I hope you have some success in getting on top of this fear so you can go back to enjoying family life.

A phobia is, by definition, an extreme and irrational fear.

Being afraid of something that could kill or harm you is hardly irrational.

Given that she will tolerate others' dogs in parks or dogs on leads, OP's fear is hardly extreme, either.

It's not like she's afraid of pennies or something.

In fact @StarryCup your life is probably enhanced by not giving in to this ridiculous assumption that your friend's dog is welcome in your house. The idea that your life is limited by this choice is laughable. I actually don't mind dogs, but other people's pets don't enhance my life in any way, shape or form.

@StrawberryWasp OP has addressed it by saying she's not going to socialise with the dogs. Why do you think this is limiting her life? I don't see any evidence of that. The GPs on the other hand are limiting the times they can see their grandchildren because of the dog. I think that's pretty sad, and faintly ridiculous.

Oh for gods sake a normal dog isn’t going to kill or harm you! A fear of normal family pets/out and about dogs (as opposed to guard dogs, hounds or XL bullies) is absolutely a phobia, or by definition could be treated as one. It’s stopping her participating in normal family life. As such, if I was her, I’d want to address it rather than let it control me to the extent I never got to socialise with family!