I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

He appears to have some kind of sensory processing disorder. I have great sympathy, as I do too. However, hibvu in not seek help to manage it. You are enabling him to maintain this position by pandering to his demands.

The problem is that this normalises it and it does not seem that bad to him. It is really bad though. It is preventing you from living as you would like and impacting your health.

I would not be able to tolerate it as I love to cook. Noone should need to tolerate it.

I honestly cannot believe you have chosen to inflict this selfish man on a poor child.

MH issues? Whatever 🙄

He refuses to do anything to help, improve, change what he wants.

He's just another selfish, self absorbed domineering man that couldn't care less how his demands affect others.

A bully.

You have chosen him ahead of your child.

Fine if you want to indulge his ridiculous selfishness, but to inflict him on a child is just awful.

Poor child living with such selfishness.

I would've left him long ago.

He's selfish. That's the crux of the matter. He is the one with the issue. He is the one who needs to attempt to resolve it. If he doesn't want to then I'd be off.

weird

if your looking for a solution then he needs to build you and outside kitchen

I use a two burned electric hob to cook fish outside as it stinks the house out

air fryer is in the utility - not de tp smell but their is room out there - tbh it still smells in the house

how do you cook a roast ?

What about your mental health? I would have the pan out frying bacon the second he leaves the house. If he doesn't like it/can't cope/wont get help, he can fuck right off.

What do you eat ? And surely the smell from the oven fills the house ?

I think you’ve identified that for your child especially as they grow older and more independent you need to be an example of what is the social norm around food and food preparation.

Unfortunately even if it is a MH problem for your husband if he’s not willing to get help or compromise other than a separate kitchen I’m not sure what you can do other than get your own house.

This.

It's no longer just you that is having your life curtailed. Your child is going to grow up with food issues, both nutritionally and psychologically if yur DH won't seek help. Not only that, your child won't be able to experience life fully , in a social sense. As a family you won't be able to take him/her where there are food smells, s/he won't be able to have friends round for a nomal meal, s/he won't be able to learn to cook him/herself...the list is endless.

Basically it comes down to your DH recognising that he cannot restrict the lives of two people that he presumably loves, and that he either gets help, or you leave him for your child's sake as well as your own.

As to all the suggestions that you rig up some kind of outdoor cooking facilities or go into the garage - no way! Let him sit in the garden or garage. Honestly, as many PP have said, pandering to this does no one any favours, including him in the long run. I suspect you are afraid to go against what he says, which is understandable, but sad. Be honest with yourself - what do you think he would do if you decided to disregard his wishes and cook one day?

I couldn’t tolerate a partner who refused to do anything about a mental health problem. I’m very sympathetic to them but It is totally unfair to you and your child that you have to curtail aspects of your life because he won’t do anything to change, especially when it is around food which can be such a joy in life. What do you think about the messages that are being passed on to your child from this? I would give a partner an ultimatum on that basis alone. I’m sorry, OP, it sounds very difficult.

I am sympathetic to my DH here

I’m not.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part.

Yes it is.

If he cared about accommodating you at all you’d live in a house with a kitchen door and a very powerful extractor fan. Instead he has preferred to wear you down over eleven years with manipulative blackmail about his mental health.

This is no life, OP, and unless he engages with help things are going to get much worse. You need to think carefully about the kind of home where you want your child to grow up.

Yeah, not a chance I’d be huddled round a camping stove in the middle of winter just so I could cook myself a nutritious meal.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health.

These two statements are at odds with each other.

Regardless of his problem with food smells, it is nothing but controlling to insist on you not doing a normal thing in the room in your house specifically set up to do that normal thing.

He needs to find a way to handle it, because expecting you NOT to cook in a bloody kitchen is no solution.

I think the dilemma here is between what your husband says is his mental health, and the physical health/nourishment of yourself and your child. I find it difficult to believe that you and your child are being properly nourished when you are unable to cook in your own home. You have a responsibility and a right to properly nourish yourself. You have an even greater responsibility (and right!) to properly nourish your child. (Also, what about YOUR mental health of being able to cook in your own home? What about your child's mental health of being exposed to normal food and eating habits, and being able to have a variety of food, and food that tastes good to him/her?)

I am pretty conservative, I believe that married couples should live together for their lifetime except in a few instances. And one of those instances is when the continuance of their living together is incompatible with the health and safety of a member of the family, especially any of the children. Hence, if my husband were to be diagnosed with (for example) a mental illness (e.g. an illness with psychosis) which could not be managed safely with medication, I would move out with the kids (or ask him to do so). I could still love him and be married to him, but if I felt I had to live separately to keep them safe, I would do that. I would hope he'd understand and cooperate, but if he didn't, I would do what I needed to do to keep me and the kids safe, while also being entirely sympathetic to his difficult situation. I see it as rather similar as if, say, one spouse becomes bedbound as an elderly person. The spouses could stay married, but if one spouse had to be in a nursing home, then that would have to happen for safety/health reasons.

I don't think your current situation is ok, although I'm only going by what you've posted. I don't know what the right solution is, but to me you seem a little too deferential about accommodating to his expectations and you seem to be minimising the seriousness of the effect on yourself and your child.

Rather than jump straight to divorce, what are smaller steps you can try first, to better the situation for yourself and your child? Can you afford to remodel your home to put a door on the kitchen?

So your OH may well have a sensory processing disorder....

However he's being completely bloody unreasonable refusing to get ANY help....

The fact he can tolerate it elsewhere does suggest a modicum of choice in this perhaps?

Id be miserable having my life /food restricted so much

It's not fair that he's restricting your life in this way without seeking any help for it. I couldn't live like that. The dog fair enough ... though that would be a deal breaker for me personally - but not being able to do normal standard things like cooking in your own home or staying at a friend's BBQ?

It will affect your child - it already will be.

It would be ultimatum time for me.

No full English?
Roast dinners?
Curry?
Bolognese?
Fajitas?
ANYTHING?

There is one person I feel sorry for here and it isnt you or your DH, its your child! You are letting him down badly and he is going to grow up with issues around food, you are just as bad as your DH IMO.

What on earth do you actually eat? What does your child eat?

I think your husband's reactions are real. I have some sensory issues and partners have been sympathetic and 'allowed' me my quirks however food....that's a massive ask!
I think you need to move to a home that's able to accomodate his disability, so a self contained kitchen (kitchen/dinner) that maybe has patio doors to the garden. The other alternative is that you tell him that on rg Friday evening you will be cooking what you want and its tough. I get that you should be able to feel relaxed in your own home, but you're not!
If your husband was say in a wheelchair would he expect you not to go for a bike ride because he'd be lonely at home without you? It's the same. His discomfort for a while has to be balanced with your need for freedom. You've mentioned the impact on your physical health but your MH is important too.
You've said you don't want to split over food. Does he feel the same? Suggest one night/day pet week. Maybe you could batch cook.

I have some sympathy - my ASD son has so many sensory issues with food and I personally have one food I can't bear the smell of with DH kindly only eats when we're away from home.

However, my DS understands people can't live their lives around his food avoidance so we make reasonable accommodations. We have a strong extractor fan and as soon as food is cooked we light candles to get rid of the cooking smells. They work very well (curry takes 2 big candles or 3 tea lights)

Sounds like he needs some therapy if some sort. This must be exhausting for you.

And imagine not being able to go to places where there is food smells like your own child's wedding, or parties, family gatherings, or popping round to see your GC but having to leave if they are weaning instead of watching them chuck spag bol all over the place....., not being able to have family roasts on a Sunday.....fuck that.

This would have been a deal breaker early in the relationship, sorry.

^ This.

i know it sounds like he’s just being a selfish arse, but all of the above, while seeming ridiculous to those who don’t suffer from them, can be extremely distressing to live with.

That said, the OP deserves to live her life without restriction, so he does need to at least try to get help.

He has been like this for 11 years and not once apologised or felt guilty for restricting your life this way? He doesn’t care about your and the child’s nutritional intake? Not made any compromises?

It is All About Him. Another selfish male controlling others. Fabulous.