I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Op, I think having a child can be the catalyst for change. You can tell him that without a child, you were willing to compromise to the extent that you have but that now that you have a child, you need to instill healthy eating habits and that means some changes are needed. It doesn't mean you need to change everything nor that you go out of your way to make him as miserable and uncomfortable as possible as some posters are suggesting, but that you say some things needs to change. You can identify the changes you feel are needed for the sake of the healthy eating habits of your son, while still being as accomodating as possible outside of those changes. If he struggles with those changes, then it is on him to get the help to cope.

Similar to if you had migraines, you can't expect him to not make any noise but he should still be considerate and not play the tuba in your ear.

I have this... but not to the extreme like your partner. It really stresses me out to wander around the house and smell the meal I myself cooked hours earlier, I find myself getting quite snappy with things/people because of that. If I go in a chippy for even 10' then I have to change my clothes when I get home, maybe even shower because the smell on me makes me really upset.

I think he needs to see a professional, hopefully to learn how to cope with it, because living like that is not sustainable for either of you. It's not fair at all on you, and surely he's sick of feeling this way.

Ah, I think your child will suffer if you carry on as you are. How does your OH think it’s ok to expose him to this?

Was he bullied for having smelly clothes as a child?

Also, what about your mental health? This would cause me so much grief.

I'd get rid of him. This is a completely ridiculous over reaction on his part. How does he function in day to day life? Do you never visit restaurants? Pubs? Other people's houses?

Your child will end up with disordered eating because of this. You really need to find alternatives to you not being able to cook at all. He needs to get some help.

So hes OK in restaurants, that tells me he's taking the piss.
You've tolerated this shit for 11 years?
What are you getting from this relationship apart from a load of aggravation?

Well he needs to get this sorted

Cook what you want and agree to open the windows

Some people are extremely sensitive to smells - it is called hyperosmia. Smells can even make them nauseated and can definitely impact on mood.

Other people are more sensitive about taste and won't eat certain foods or are picky eaters. Some people find certain noises send them into a rage (misophonia).

Having over sensitive senses isn't that abnormal and isn't something you can just decide to not have. It is something he can get help to some degree for but there isn't really anything that takes away sensitivity to smell or noise or taste or texture.

And im thinking when their poor DC is older. My DS LOVES bringing his friends round for tea, or getting a takeaway and sitting in his room chatting with his pals. I can't imagine saying "sorry DC, you can't bring friends round for tea, your Dad doesn't like the smell of food, you'll have to go to theirs to hang out" 😔

You cannot let your child grow up in a home with this level of disorder related to food/eating and cooking, wherever the cause, and however sympathetic you are anyone else be may be to whatever mental health issues are going on here (and they are). You H can get and engage with help, or either you and your child, or your H, can leave.

I agree with this.

I am sympathetic to MH issues, but there comes a point people need to want to help themselves, otherwise it‘s just other people accommodating that person‘s wants and needs forever and that‘s when it becomes selfishness.

The lack of any type of ownership from him to improve the situation for me would be a dealbreaker. I’m massively supportive of people struggling with mental health issues but the utter lack of consideration of how it affects you and your child is really selfish, pretty sure he can’t have exhausted all avenues to manage whatever condition he has a bit better.

You can't raise a child with a healthy attitude to food in this ridiculous environment.

OP enough is enough. It's bloody ridiculous, and incredibly selfish.

Op, whilst I sympathise with his problem, I don’t sympathise with the fact that he refuses to do anything about it. He is the one with the issue, but he’s forcing you to suffer the consequences. If I were you, I’d just cook. It might prompt him into seeking help. It also, to me, sounds more like an aversion bordering on a phobia. There’s a guy called Felix Economakis, who is amazing at treating SED (selective Eating Disorder) which although a bit different to your dp, can also be based on sensory issues around food. Worth looking him up if nothing else.

You have said it is getting worse, so now is the time to take the bull by the horns. He needs to get professional help. He needs to compromise sometimes, not just you. He needs to stop threatening to have a mental breakdown if you cook - that's not a thing. Whether he means to or not, he is controlling you and it is likely to get worse not better.

I would really struggle with this. It feels like a cycle of control- his MH (if that is the true root of it) controls him, then he controls you. You are never quite controlled enough and his demands escalate. You say that he has got worse, how do you think this will end? What happens if you defy him and cook in your kitchen? Have you ever?

You can't fix this. He isn't trying to fix it, although he is the only person with the power to do so. He won't see a doctor and refuses to consider medication, so he must think that he is right to make these demands. So, what else is there? Have you made it very clear how you feel? If so (I know I would have!)what does he say about that? All you are asking for is to live normally, without bizarre restrictions.

OP, is there are friend or relative you can stay with for a week or so, with your son? Can you take a little time out to experience the freedom of doing normal, necessary things without his control, and then use the time to think about what you really want? I couldn't live like that, no wonder you feel ground down.

It sounds as though your DH has very specific olfactory sensory difficulties and might have ARFID (Avoidant, Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.
https://www.arfidawarenessuk.org/

Has this been all of his life since a child or triggered at some point do you think?
Either way, @Bambambino1 check out the link to the UK’s only ARFID Eating Disorder charity and see if things ring true.

His OCD or phobia or whatever is impacting YOUR health, and frankly your own mental health, because who could live with that level of nonsense. You need to put your foot down about him getting help, and stop pandering to it.

This sounds like some sort of trauma he's gone through and hasn't addressed or got help for it. He shouldn't expect you not to cook in your own home though. He clearly likes to eat but not the cooking smell of it because he's hypersensitive. How does it work in restaurants though?

I hate the smell of my husbands cooking, usually because he burns everything and can only cook bacon or cheese on toast. I tell him to use the extractor and I shut all the doors upstairs as we have no doors downstairs being open plan.

I know this sounds ridiculous but couldn't he just put a peg on his nose while you're cooking? Also, Air Frying is a good way of reducing cooking smells.

Just cook while he is at work and open a window. You don't need to ask his permission

His attitude seems to be summed up by 'I've done nothing and I'm all out of ideas'. The least he could do is talk to the GP, do some research off his own bat on the internet - anything, rather than expecting you and his son never to have a home cooked meal.

He needs to grow up and seek help. This is in untenable way to live.

What would he do if you just did it anyway? As you’re perfectly entitled to do in your own home?

Do you own your own home, OP? And does it have a garage with electricity?

I'd have myself a little set up with an air fryer, George Foreman grill type thing, a microwave and a fridge in there and bollox to him.

I'd be feasting on the patio every single day!!