I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

I agree completely with this. It is bad enough that you have compromised so severely - given up an activity that has always been a normal part of human life but you cannot let your child grow up like this - eating beige oven food and never helping you cook or bake or anything. How will you manage when friends come around.

I have sympathy with any MH problems but he isn't doing a rap to help himself - content to let you live in a way you don't want. Does he even worry about the effect on his own child? He is being spectacularly selfish.

What 'compromises' is he making? He wont even 'allow' you to cook if he is not there and doesn't seem interested in getting help for his mental health. It's not really a compromise if it's all one way!

I'd be more sympathetic to him if he was trying to get some help for his problems. I couldn't stay with someone who curtailed my life so much.

What are a week’s evening meals for you and your child? What’s on the menu?

Isn’t this coercive abuse? You and your child are undoubtedly malnourished because he won’t get off his arse and get help. You might have to just cook anyway and see what he does. It’s intolerably cruel.

dH can no longer cook many of his favorite foods because I have adult onset allergies and just him cooking them triggers an attack. We are in the process of putting in an outdoor kitchen.

He does need some help, but I can see where he is coming from. I HATE cooking smells to drift into my living rom or bedroom, and will do everything I can to make sure they don't - I can't sleep if there is a food smell in the bedroom. So I don't fry, or make chips, ever. However ... I am a very keen cook, and like the smells in the kitchen, so not anywhere near as extreme as your DH. In our campervan, I am very careful, too - and I have an outdoor oven for when we are on holiday.
You can make very creative meals in a microwave, and the smell doesn't usually escape. Make sure your kitchen is well-ventilated and your extraction cooker-hood is kept all cleaned. Fabreze everywhere. But still, get him some help - it's clearly affecting your marriage.

I can't believe you've allowed a child to grow up in this environment. 🤦

This is so unhealthy.

He needs therapy. I'd be outside BBQing all the time, sod that. Not fair to inflict that on you.

Get an air purifier - I recommend this one which is for an office but works much much better than the smaller size in same brand.
WINIX Air Purifier ZERO Pro, H13 HEPA Filter, CADR 470m³/h, (Up to 120m²) for Allergy Sufferers. PlasmaWave Technology. Reduce 99.999% Hay Fever, Pollen & Odours. 8h Timer. Large Rooms & Offices : Amazon.co.uk: Home & Kitchen

Not to mention very unhealthy for your child.

But he won't even TRY to see if anything helps, instead his whole family have to be affected by his issues. That is just selfish behaviour

How did it come to this ? You are nutritionaly deficient because he won't 'allow' you to cook in your own home. That's without refusing you the pleasure of cooking and eating.

You cook and eat in the kitchen with the door closed. If necessary he can have an area away from the kitchen to prepare food and drink.

And he gets help with his mental health issues.

I couldn't be with someone who had such little consideration for my needs and wishes.

It's incredibly selfish of him to limit what is an essential life activity. Not to mention could result in health implications for his growing child. OP should just cook and let him be creative in finding a solution to HIS problem. Current situation is untenable.

Abuse? malnourished? cruel?

You have gone off the deep end with this one.

There are issues to resolve given his sensory issues but it isn't what you say.

Take someone who hates spiders and panics around them. But her husband loves spiders. Is she being abusive and cruel by not letting spiders roam loose everywhere around the house? Is he being horribly controlled by not being able to have as many spiders as he wants roam freely since it is his home? Is it unreasonable for him to be considerate or accommodate in any way her fear of spiders? The idea that everyone should be able to do whatever they want whenever they want without regard for anyone else isn't actually how families function. People are quirky and complex and have issues.

I’m like this I have severe sensory issues

I think you have adjusted to his distorted thinking by allowing your own thinking to become distorted. That his mental health might be affected does not necessarily mean you would be unreasonable to cook. You are placing his so-called needs as absolutes and your own needs as contingent (if it's useful to him, your needs can be downgraded to "unreasonable" or "wants). Do you see how this places your life as lesser importance than his? That is distorted thinking.

So he'll eat the food but can't stand the smell of it ?
Do you have a window in your kitchen?
If I cook a roast in the oven it creates way more smells when I open the door than frying anything does.

Assuming he's not severely autistic I'd tell him to grow the fuck up or move out. What an awful selfish drama llama.

Hi op. I don't have issues relating to smells but I struggle a lot with noise in particular eating noises, breathing etc - so meal times are hard! In our family we have done several things to help this such as

• eating with background noise like radio or the extractor fan.
• wearing small noise filtering earphones
• being somewhat firm with my children about table manners such as no eating with mouths open, slurping etc.

It's still hard and it takes a lot of effort sometimes not to snap. My point with all this is surely there are similar things you can do to lessen the smell of cooking such as open windows, odor eliminating spray, him staying in a separate part of the house while you are cooking etc. My partner knows I struggle with this, kids don't. I make a really big effort not to make them feel bad for something they basically have to do to survive! And I think that's what your husband is doing to you and its not ok!

You don't need spiders to live so the comparison doesn't really stand up.

I don’t allow frying I do have an air fryer but I rarely use it I have a 7year old so obviously I have to cook but he only eats beige due to autism, I change my clothes before and after cooking I cannot bear any food smells I can’t eat out I can’t go into any McDonald’s etc because the smells makes me physically sick and my skin pricks. I won’t even light candles that are food scented. I wish I wasn’t like this but I can’t help it I’ve never heard of anyone like me with smells before it’s awful

Your analogy only works if denying the husband access to spiders has a negative impact on his health. OP says she is eating the same meal every day and is restricted to things that can be cooked in the oven. Somehow I suspect that’s more likely to be beige freezer food than a nourishing casserole. Malnourishment is far more common than you think and is not a synonym for starvation.

Yes, it's ridiculous.

There isn't a chance in hell I'd be tolerating this OP. Cook something asap.

Assuming that this is a genuine MH issue and not some confected nonsense, he needs help. It doesn't matter how good a cook you are or not, his demands are wholly unreasonable

Had a boyfriend who refused to let me make cauliflower cheese, or cook cauliflower. I was vegetarian and it was my favourite, he hated the smell with a passion, so I just was not permitted to cook it.

I feel your pain.
Have you tried microwave bags of vegetables for your self? but really make him go in the garden.