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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't cook in my own home

808 replies

Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 15:41

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

OP posts:
SweetiePi3 · 10/05/2023 16:11

Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 15:45

@Nobbies we're very particular about where we go and the sort of food being served! But yes places do obviously smell and it does bother him, but it's not his home soooo for some reason that's okay

Tell him to provide all the meals, and if he won't, order in whatever you want.

bunhead1979 · 10/05/2023 16:12

This is absolutely ridiculous that you can't cook what you want in your own kitchen, that is so joyless and frustrating as well as you say as being really unhealthy having to limit your diet so much. I absolutely hate (like it makes me feel sick) the smell of smoked meat, but one of my DHs hobbies is smoking meat, I'd never dream of stopping him. I either go out, shut doors, maybe be a but grumpy at him or do something else to deal with it.

TheCatterall · 10/05/2023 16:13

@Bambambino1 so it’s all due to his MH and he can roll that out and you just have to change your whole way of living to suit him.

but what’s he actually doing to improve his MH? Anything. Let me guess. Nothing.

I have MH issues. Sometimes they impact my partner/work. I acknowledge them and see what I can do to improve myself and the situation. Medication, therapy, wellness and mindset practices… all sorts. Because just shrugging and saying ‘oh well it’s my MH issues.’ but not actually doing anything about it when I know it’s impacting my loved ones negatively is selfish.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2023 16:13

HildaSwan · 10/05/2023 16:05

He is a controlling attention seeker.
Unacceptable to blackmail you with the phrase ""it affects my mental health"
You have, I sorry to say OP suffered Gaslighting for many years.
Just call him out on it.
Get the recipe books out and COOK.

THIS.

With bells on.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 10/05/2023 16:14

My DD is extremely sensitive to smells. It's one of the things they ask about when they are assessing for ASD.

BarbedButterfly · 10/05/2023 16:14

We use an air purifier and cooking smells go very quickly but frankly I couldn't and wouldn't live like this. You can 't cook, you can't have pets. You are the only one compromising here.

RavenclawDiadem · 10/05/2023 16:15

Thewitcherswolf · 10/05/2023 16:11

A longterm solution would be to install an outdoor kitchen. Short term - do you have any covered outdoor space at all? Could you buy an electric frying pan or a bbq and cook outside.

No. A longterm solution would be for him to take steps to deal with his issues.

BarbedButterfly · 10/05/2023 16:15

To add I have every sympathy for mental health conditions, but less for people who affect the lives of their family to this extent and refuse to get help.

Freefall212 · 10/05/2023 16:16

Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 16:09

@Freefall212 I think you've summed it up perfectly there. I am sympathetic to all of that, and I think that's why I've found a way to middle through for 11 years. I struggle but I imagine being him is a struggle too. I guess it's just not the only sacrifice, I too would absolutely love a dog. Have wanted one my whole life. He says he can't share a house with a dog becuase of the fur and their smell. I get that, he's not alone there, I'm disappointed but it's not a deal breaker. But when you combine that with the food issues as well, I just feel like I'm making one too many compromises. In reality, I'd probably only cook twice a week because I'm busy, and also lazy 😂

I get that. I do think some compromise is important. I won't compromise on animals in the house as it does linger in a way that he can't tell but I can! However I then do try to compromise more on other things to 'balance' out how controlling I am about animals.

However I would say, the fact that he won't manage his health is an issue. He is managing it through avoidance and while that isn't an abnormal coping strategy, it is frustrating for you for sure. It seems he manages also by being rigid as that likely helps him feel in control when his throughts and feelings are less in control due to his mental health.

At the end of the day, you have to decide when too much compromise on your part or not enough effort on his part is too much.

Theeaglesoared · 10/05/2023 16:17

For heaven's sake. Why are you pandering to this? Are you scared of him?

Spottycarousel · 10/05/2023 16:17

He is being controlling whether he intends it maliciously or not.

Expecting you to stop cooking, which is an important part of everyday life, to meet his very extreme needs is very controlling behaviour.

He should at least be It's trying to get help so that you can have a normal family life. But 11 years down-the-line he expects not to have to bother.

I couldn't cope with this. I'd expect him to be proactive about getting help and tolerating some cooking at home, or it's over.

Megifer · 10/05/2023 16:17

I'm sympathetic a bit if its genuine but I suspect he does exaggerate, like when you go out and there are hotdog etc stands does he rush off in a state of distress?

Therefore I'm afraid I'd be roasting garlic, baking camembert and frying eggs tomorrow. You can't live like this op, eating nice food is one of life's simplest pleasures.

shams05 · 10/05/2023 16:17

What's the set up of your house like?
I know a few people who have an outdoor kitchen set up under a canopy style roof in the back yard and do all their strong smelling cooking outside. So things like chapattis indoors but the curry is put on the outdoor cooker.

mbosnz · 10/05/2023 16:18

He doesn't seem very worried about the impact on your physical health - or mental health - of being deprived of one of the fundamental joys in life (well, in our household anyway!).

If he's upset by it, he can seek help for his issues. That's his prerogative. Otherwise, cook on.

Freefall212 · 10/05/2023 16:18

DanceMonster · 10/05/2023 16:07

Owning a pet is very different to cooking though. Pet ownership is a choice and a luxury. Cooking and eating isn’t.

Show quote history

They have lived like this for 11 years, this was who he was when she met him, and they both seem to still be alive so I would say it is a choice! Clearly they are still eating, just with a restricted range of preparation styles and foods. And those are choices they have been making for 11 years.

Ginmonkeyagain · 10/05/2023 16:19

I don't really understand how "oven food" doesn't smell. I cooked some sausages in the oven last night and the kitchen and hall smelt quite sausagey for a good couple of hours.

Original poster
Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 16:19

@TheCatterall, yeah, he does nothing. I've tried to push for him to go to the doctor so many times but he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, and is convinced there's no "cure" so it's pointless. He thinks people would try and force medication on him and doesn't ever want to take medication. Doesn't want to learn coping strategies as doesn't think they'd work. And yes, I do feel like he uses the MH card as an excuse like it almost works to shut down the argument instantly.

I don't want to break up over wanting to cook in my kitchen a few times a week, but you are all right when you say it's selfish behaviour and speak volumes on how he sees me. I realise I come across as a pushover, I'm really not, I just have different tolerances to other people and different red lines. But now I'm feeling a bit worn down...!

We do have a kid though. I try and make sure he gets everything he needs nutritionally, but it's almost more like ticking a box to say he's had xyz at different points of the day, rather than presenting a meal that ticks off 5 key things in one go! I'm not sure that makes sense, but he does get what he needs. HOWEVER, as he gets older, I want him to eat properly like other children with proper meals that look and smell good!

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/05/2023 16:20

Why did he choose to live somewhere with no kitchen door?

A goo extractor fan, open windows and a fire door would help if he was a reasonable person but he doesn't sound reasonable or willing to try and overcome this at all, he is being selfish in the extreme.

I would seriously consider living separately, perhaps turn a house into two flats?
Or leave him, you sound so downtrodden trying to be sensitive to his requirements, don't you want to live in a way that makes you happy and healthy?

pollykitty · 10/05/2023 16:20

This sounds really weird, like a sensory issue, and he needs to be treated for this rather than insisting you never cook. If he won’t be treated then some compromise please.

FortofPud · 10/05/2023 16:21

He deserves sympathy and some accommodations for his mental health issues. Its not as if he asked for them. But that by no means means he gets to do nothing to improve his mental health and then require you to make all the compromises. Well i suppose he can, but it's mightily unfair and he shouldn't be surprised if he ends up on his own.

I think he needs an ultimatum. "I'm going to start cooking one low smell meal a week of my choice come June. Speak to your GP, get some counseling to support you thorough this, but it's been 11 years of me accommodating your needs and I have some needs of my own now. If you have appointments in place but there's a wait time I'll happily push the date back to be in line with that so you have the support, but I won't be canceling the cooking."

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 10/05/2023 16:23

Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 16:19

@TheCatterall, yeah, he does nothing. I've tried to push for him to go to the doctor so many times but he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, and is convinced there's no "cure" so it's pointless. He thinks people would try and force medication on him and doesn't ever want to take medication. Doesn't want to learn coping strategies as doesn't think they'd work. And yes, I do feel like he uses the MH card as an excuse like it almost works to shut down the argument instantly.

I don't want to break up over wanting to cook in my kitchen a few times a week, but you are all right when you say it's selfish behaviour and speak volumes on how he sees me. I realise I come across as a pushover, I'm really not, I just have different tolerances to other people and different red lines. But now I'm feeling a bit worn down...!

We do have a kid though. I try and make sure he gets everything he needs nutritionally, but it's almost more like ticking a box to say he's had xyz at different points of the day, rather than presenting a meal that ticks off 5 key things in one go! I'm not sure that makes sense, but he does get what he needs. HOWEVER, as he gets older, I want him to eat properly like other children with proper meals that look and smell good!

It sounds as though you're doing everything to accommodate his needs and he's not willing to do anything to try and meet yours.

Whether or not he's ND or has MH problems, not seeking help or a diagnosis is selfish in the extreme when it's affection you and his LO so much.

Wishitsnows · 10/05/2023 16:23

It sounds like it impacts your mental health and potential will your child’s. Does his mental health trump yours?

greyhairnomore · 10/05/2023 16:24

What about nappies etc ? You need this sorted out before your child is affected.

Megifer · 10/05/2023 16:25

I was going to ask if it affects your child and I see it does. Your DH is setting your DC up for difficulties when they are older.

You know this cannot continue. He needs to either get help or STFU