I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

'"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

Off you fuck then!!

So just a simple garden variety manipulative, abusive knob. With a mental illness to boot (doesn't make the rest of it better - just worse).

@CharlottenBerg

i don’t think so!
just never heard of vaginas having a fishy smell when aroused! I was always under the impression that if your vagina has a fishy smell it must be an infection like BV

No, I'm not talking about a bad smell.

Oh fuck that. Tell him you'll help him pack. I would get rid immediately. You can tell your DS marriage and relationships are about compromise and his dad refuses so it ended. (Not now at 2 obvs!)

How are things now op?

This response is absolutely spot on and says everything that I want to say but won’t repeat as @sheworemellowyellow has already written it so eloquently. Please read and digest this response carefully OP.

OP, I have just seen that you are pregnant. I don’t want to frighten you but it’s important you know that a poor maternal diet can store up serious issues both for you and your baby. Please consider telling your midwife that your diet is very limited, so that she can order bloods and get your folate, zinc, iron etc checked. Please also consider telling her why your diet is so limited, because she can also help you to access support for women in controlling relationships.

Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore

Bye then, don't let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.

This situation is completely and utterly ridiculous. Out he goes.
I would not put up with that for a moment longer.
You and your son need to be eating a well-balanced diet and cooking in your kitchen, not pissing about with air fryers in the garden, cooking nothing but bland food in the oven and all the other ridiculous things you've either been doing or people have suggested.
He's said he isn't going to seek help so he obviously doesn't care enough about his relationship with you and his son and about your welfare to do something about his cooking smells issue.
Complete and utter prick.

Ah fuck man OP, I've just seen you are pregnant too.
For fucking hell's fucking sake, what kind of prick forbids his wife from cooking, never mind forbids his PREGNANT wife, who is carrying his child from cooking.

Keep cooking. Your baby and your son are way more important than this prick who won't get help to deal with his problems

Interrupt his tantrum to ask him why he isn't packing.

Tell him the days of you tiptoeing around his entitlement, his pig headedness, and his immaturity are over, because from now on you will cook whatever you want, whenever you want to, and he can deal with it as he sees fit.

I second the suggestion from a pp that he will suddenly become 'very ill'. Don't fall for it.

If he tells you he's having a MH crisis, call 999 for an ambulance.

This is all classic coercive control.
The threat of a MH crisis and the threat to leave - they're all part of a well-known own script.

Tell him to get a second job and use the income from it to put in an exhaust fan over your stove that vents to the outside. A range hood and a door to the kitchen with a seal on it (like you have to keep out the cold, but for smells. )

"you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

I hope you replied:

"Sure I'll explain his dad moved out because I fried some mince "

😂

Does sounds like a sensory sensitivity to me. Any other signs which might be autism/ADHD/something else?

@KittyBurrito

Irrelevant
what it is is irrelevant seeing as he won’t seek any help

Even if he has an ASD-level sensory intolerance, it can't effect the diet and relationship with food of the whole family.

He needs to compromise.

For instance today, even if he did smell frying he didn't collapse in a heap on the ground and need an injection of tranquilizers or something (as a PP said, he'll probably try something like that now to try and manipulate OP.)

He can live with it somewhat and so he should for the sake of other family members.

OP is compromising on her 'side' by airing the place or whatever to mitigate it.

You have got to get your children out of this abusive environment before their lives are ruined, too.

Does he mean the act of cooking mince in the house is a betrayal, or does he mean the act of cooking mince 'behind his back' is a betrayal?
This is a nightmare situation.

OP is pregnant again with his child. I am 100% certain that he considers this a decision that affects HIM - just like DS, and how he eventually came around to love him anyway. This is very much a man who wanted the OP to himself, doing his bidding. I suspect that the moment these kids start to have ideas and opinions of their own he is going to make their lives a living hell too. OP needs to look at his food issues and the wider context of his behaviours and ask herself if this is really someone she should be raising kids with anyway.

It’s wonderful that your son is a good eater in nursery. At two he’s probably too little to make requests, but how will you manage when he does? From an early age he may ask for things for tea that he’s tried elsewhere. Will this cause further conflict with your partner? And what if he wants to start cooking when he’s older. Will he be allowed? Nutrition is important but so is freedom when it comes to choice of food. You choose to support and accommodate your partner (and I appreciate you were never a big cook). Sadly, your son won’t have chosen to live like this. There have been comments about fish and curry but what if your son enjoyed fish or curry? The same goes for mince. Would you say you can’t have lasagna or spaghetti bolognaise as dad struggles with mince? Children are so impressionable so I’d be worried if dad was vocal about smells or certain foods it would influence your son. I sympathise with you as I think this will be more difficult to navigate when your son expresses himself more. The fact that your partner thinks his son (and the cat) are already a sacrifice doesn’t bode well. It sounds like he’ll dig his heels in and you’ll be forced to choose between upsetting your partner or restricting your child’s diet. Food smells made me vomit as a child. I’d go to my room when my dad made the dreaded mackerel on toast! Salmon or tuna sandwiches in the school canteen had the same effect. I don’t like it now but would navigate any discomfort for my children. I have kids that love all things beige and would rejoice if they ate fish (Finders aside). Good luck OP.

Bloody hell, OP, that's a horrible situation for you and for your son. And for your partner too, because clearly he does have MH issues (or autism!) and I'm sure genuinely believes he can't cope with living in a house in which food has been cooked.

But this is wacko. You know it and one day your son will realise it too, but perhaps too late. For whatever reason, your partner has made it clear he won't accommodate absolutely normal life in the house you share. So you have to make major sacrifices. He's totally unreasonable to throw the fact that he 'gave' you your son at you, it's a decision that normal, mature couples make together. If he didn't want a child then he should have made that a deal breaker. Now you have a child and you want you and him to live normally, and your partner is stopping you, so I'd say that was the deal-breaker.

So yes, frankly I'd let the crazy bugger move out and then eventually explain why to your son. He refuses to try to get help, he won't make concessions on the cooking front - it all has to come from you. Sod that. Life is for living, and cooking and eating proper food is part of that. And I bet he's controlling about other things he can't cope with, too. You can have massive sympathy for his autism or his MH issues but please don't let them drag you down too.

I think OP you need to ask yourself if his cooking smell issues were to magically disappear, would you still want this relationship?

I'm sure genuinely believes he can't cope with living in a house in which food has been cooked.

@GlomOfNit Well even if it were true that he believed that, and not just something he was saying to manipulate OP, he'll know after today that he can cope, as food had been cooked and he didn't have to be immediately carted away in a van.

@GlomOfNit I don't think it is that simple. The mental distress will likely build as the cooking smells continue, the guy likely is acting out of fear and is likely now feeling threatened. I believe the worse thing to do is to cook behind his back.

i believe from your first 2 posts that after 11 years you’ve gotten fat living off beige oven food each day and you know what to do something about it - which is great!

but you’ve also enabled a behaviour for 11 years and now you want someone to change!