I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

@SquidGinn Yeah, you can't expect that change to happen overnight either.

"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

If you are still reading OP, then I'm so sorry this person who you thought loved you, is showing you he actually doesn't anymore. Its tough to realise that he's been manipulating you for 11 years. His needs trump everyone else's including his own child. Let him leave. Stay strong

Ridiculous

Best comment of the thread.

And yes, if he wants to move out, off he fucks. He's escalated to def con whatever is the highest number because he's lost a modicum of control. His way to regain it is to threaten. If this was all sensory, he would have reacted in a certain way. We refer to it in out house as 'cat in a string bag' because the expression of discomfort is so obvious. But coldly staring at you then threatening to leave? Control.

Please OP, don't cave. If you do his noose will tighten.

Let him move out. Tell your son that you and he will be getting a dog and cooking spaghetti in your own kitchen. Also bake fairy cakes and pizzas. He will be thrilled and can grow up normally.

I'd actually say the worst thing to do is to keep pandering to him and she and their dc don't have cooked meals at home.

I disagree. He is making it all about him. There will soon be three people in the house all pandering to one person. It isn't sustainable or healthy.

His refusal to seek help is the main issue here. I think he doesn't want help, and that he still wants to manipulate, bully and control the OP.

Maybe if the OP rode roughshod over his unreasonable demands he would soon realise that he does need to get help.

This man is playing the mental health card and giving a bad name to those who genuinely struggle daily with mental health problems and who are trying to get help for their issues.

@penni00

so what do you suggest then?

@SquidGinn

disagree

op has had enough and things are changing! Sounds to me like he can either get with it or get out! 😀

I think the worse thing to do is control what people are cooking for 11 years, meaning that your child has to eat elsewhere to get good nutrition, your pregnant wife is struggling to get good nutrition all whilst not seeking help for your behaviour.

Just cook! The anticipation probably gets to him too.

he needs to get the the root of his problem rather than you being forced to accommodate his ridiculousness. Therapy, self reflection, whatever.

you need to eat and eat well, this current diet will lead to early aging and death.

he is likely just being a child who likes frozen pizza and consistency rather than delicious slow cooker delights.

Your DS is learning that only his fathers needs are important. Your needs don’t deserve to be met at all OP.

He sounds like a tantrum Ming toddler and I would be helping him to pack.

Tantrumming even!

Tantrum Ming. Are you using voice typing?

Or 'having a tantrum'?

The minute he said "then I'll move out", I'd be saying "rightey oh, I'll help you pack". It doesn't matter what the reason is,sensory or just a control issue,the effect on you and your child is the same;you cannot fulfill a basic life need by cooking nutritious meals for yourself and your child.

My DH occasionally lapses into believing he has the last word on things, OP. I find laughing then telling him to go f*ck himself usually snaps him right back out of it.

Sorted. He can come and live with you then.

1. Both OP and partner need to work out whether their relationship would work if the food smell issues were not a problem/were a lesser problem.
2. If yes, then professional input is needed, for the couple in terms of relationship, and for the 'other half' in terms of smell issue sensitivity.
3. As 'other half' is not prepared to seek professional help for smell sensitivity issues, this needs to be addressed as to why not. Often seeking help is a huge challenge for those with MH issues, I believe access to a support group, for the particular issue ideally, may be a good starting point if a person with MH issues is not ready to seek professional help. Even perhaps an online support group if face to face is too challenging. There would be opportunities at a support group to see how others are managing to compromise/seek medical help etc.
4. Discussion is needed regarding how to handle the whole situation regarding kids. Yes, the son needs to have and see good nutrition/normal cooking etc, but the son also needs to see empathy, compromise, trust, support, good relations etc. Mumsnetters suggesting going behind the guy's back to fry mince etc is not a healthy environment for the family - it is antagonistic, reducing trust and wrecking the relationship. Professional advice should be sought - it is fine to ask on here for opinions, but seek professional advice before taking action.

@penni00

lol! There you go, problem solved!

Mumsnetters suggesting going behind the guy's back to fry mince etc is not a healthy environment for the family - it is antagonistic, reducing trust and wrecking the relationship
Think the guy being a controlling, demanding arsehole is.doing a fine job in wrecking the relationship. Did you read what the twat said about their child?!

A PP makes an important point: the ultimatum is important because your DC will grow up and learn for themselves how dysfunctional this situation is. They will also know that you sat back and facilitated it, enabled it, let it happen. This makes you partly culpable.

Your DH's ultimatum is important. You're at a crossroads. He's forcing you to choose, and you need to choose.

What a prick.

@MichelleScarn No, if he is being controlling/nasty/abusive, obviously then OP should definitely finish the relationship.

Ha ha! Genuine LOL here. x

@penni00 he's equated having their son to letting op get a cat... was up to him he'd have opted not to have a child, but had one because he knew I wanted one. Which is a ridiculous argument. He says "I love DS deeply, but I did that for you.
Imagine their son hearing that!