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Original poster

She’s too friendly with him?

272 replies

Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 11:34

I’ve had this nagging feeling for a while about a woman who has slowly snuck into our social group. She’s a single mum, attractive, hard worker (a trait my DH finds attractive), has a fair bit in common with my DH, members at a similar sports club….

In January DH went on a sporting holiday, organised my his sports club and on it were several of our mutual friends. I was meant to go too but had to pull out at the last minute due to a sick child. Said girl went on the trip. There was a pretty active group what’s app (which I was on) prior to this and for a few weeks later, so I didn’t think much of their messages. the what’s app has quietened down and I’ve noticed some facebook messages coming up between them. I’m fine with this, or at least I was until recently, as I often message some of our mutual
single male friends.

Since the trip he’s now going to the club more frequently. I assumed it’s to increase his fitness as we’ve both piled on the pounds and are on a health kick. There have now been a few occasions where I’ve been at work and he’s taken our DC out for the day and they’ve randomly ‘bumped into each other.’ Over the bank holiday weekend a message with our mutual friends has been put on FB suggesting meal at our local pub. Guess who turns up too?
On the first May bank holiday we went to an event with some friends… who rocks up?

its all been at the back of my mind but we’re so easy going with things and trust each other to be friends with the opposite sex. However it’s starting to nag away with me. I took our 3 yo to the park last week and she recognised her daughter who was there with her dad. As far as I know, they’ve only met once. Then this morning I got a call from a mutual friend (member of the club, went on the trip, part of the extended friendship group) and this woman came up in conversation. She asked what I thought about their friendship, their messages, the fact that she seems to now turn up to everything. I honestly hadn’t really thought about it to that extent but others are now noticing.

So I did what I vowed I’d never do and I feel so bad for doing so, but I’ve downloaded his messenger back onto our home iPad (I’m sure the app has recently been deleted!!) and I’ve scrolled and scrolled through daily messages.
how’s your day? Where were you this morning (the club activity?) You two going to X’s party?
they’re sending selfies of themselves doing normal yet random things, photos of drinks that obviously remind them of their trip away, he’s sent a couple of photos of him during his work trip abroad.
it turns out she ‘owed’ him money (a pretty considerable amount) from their trip- he’s said it’s his treat! Apparently his first drink when they ‘party’ at an upcoming event is on her…
She was out at a birthday meal with me, he was at home with DC, she’s messaged him saying she’s out with me and I’m really good fun…
It goes on….

in fairness, it’s nothing more than the type of friendly banter you’d have with a friend, but other people are now talking. The messages are secret. Im only finding out about their little ‘random’ meets in passing. I’m now thinking he left a family party on Monday to do a site visit in a village where she’d tagged herself in a street party post. They didn’t meet up, but was he hoping to?

I don’t want to jump the gun here, I don’t want to confront him about messages that he would know I’ve read, I don’t want to say people are talking, I don’t want to be the bad guy here to shoot down their friendship because I don’t trust him…

I want to believe it’s nothing more than friendly banter but I’m really not sure now.

I need to nip it in the bud now though. I know this is how affairs start. How the hell do I handle it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 11:38

I need to act on this sooner rather than later because I’m off on a girl’s weekend abroad soon with some of our mutual friends. She’s not going and I can already see what will happen that weekend- some sort of ‘random’ day out with the DC.

I’m already thinking that. I can’t trust them….

OP posts:
Chickenwing2 · 10/05/2023 11:39

This would make me uncomfortable too. If it were my DH I would have an honest conversation that I was getting uncomfortable with the friendship. My DH and me agreed we would never do anything that would upset the other and always have honest chats about these things, but I wouldn't tell him about reading his messages as that does cross a line. Once he knows your feelings he can be more wary of his actions. The friendship doesn't need to end but there are boundaries.

Greenfree · 10/05/2023 11:42

I would agree with PP, I think you need to be honest with him about how this is making you feel (but don't tell him about the messages) and try to set some boundaries. I trust my DP but I wou,of be asking questions if I was in the same situation

Liorae · 10/05/2023 11:42

Then this morning I got a call from a mutual friend (member of the club, went on the trip, part of the extended friendship group) and this woman came up in conversation. She asked what I thought about their friendship, their messages, the fact that she seems to now turn up to everything. I honestly hadn’t really thought about it to that extent but others are now noticing.
That sounds to me like your mutual friend is shit stirring.

Original poster
Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 11:46

Thank you. I know reading the messages has totally overstepped the boundary and I do feel guilty for that, but if I hadn’t then I wouldn’t have know then extent of the friendship.

in fairness to him, he’s so friendly, kind and generous that in some ways, this is just his normal behaviour. But I feel that they’re both becoming a little too invested in the friendship. He doesn’t send me photos or texts during the day… it just reminds me of how things started out with us in the very early days.

I just know that he’ll try to reassure me things are fine, it’s just a friendship, etc etc
and part of me thinks he probably is naive to it all and he does perceive it to be innocent but it’s not. I’m not sure she views it as innocently…

OP posts:
Original poster
Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 11:47

No, she’s a really good friend of mine, we go back a long way and it didn’t come across like that.

I think it’s more that their ‘friendship’ is getting noticed more and more by others.

OP posts:
calmandcaffeinated · 10/05/2023 11:50

The question I would ask is would you think anything of it if it were a guy friend? If the answers yes, then I would have an honest conversation with DH about it all. If no, then maybe reflect on how you would want your DH to act if the situation was reversed?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/05/2023 11:52

You need to speak to him.

If he cares about you then he'll back off. If he insists on maintaining his friendship with her, he is prioritising her over you.

Swingstotheleftslidetotheright · 10/05/2023 11:52

Is he one of these people who is oblivious to people when they are clearly interested in them?

I'd honestly point it out and say other people ha e noticed. You trust him but this friend needs to be reminded of the boundaries. Admit it's making you feel insecure and explain why. I think what you've posted here is a perfectly valid reason to worry, emotional affairs are sometimes worse than physical ones. I would put money on this woman knowing what she's doing.

runwithme · 10/05/2023 11:52

Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 11:47

No, she’s a really good friend of mine, we go back a long way and it didn’t come across like that.

I think it’s more that their ‘friendship’ is getting noticed more and more by others.

If a good friend of mine called me to ask how I felt, I read that as a sign of concern. She has picked up on it and is making you aware.

xyxygy · 10/05/2023 11:53

Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 11:47

No, she’s a really good friend of mine, we go back a long way and it didn’t come across like that.

I think it’s more that their ‘friendship’ is getting noticed more and more by others.

Do you ordinarily let "others" dictate what happens in your marriage?

Look at it this way - you've already said that regardless of her intentions, he probably doesn't see anything more than a friendship there. That being the case, is there anything he can do at this point that would placate you (other than ghosting her completely)? Just about anything else would fall into the typical MN of, "Well, that's what a guilty man would say!".

Probably best to make of all the possible actions and outcomes, what each of them would say about you and your husband, and how they'd affect your marriage. Then choose the one that you're most comfortable with.

Best to include snooping on his messages in that list, too.

finished31 · 10/05/2023 11:54

It sounds like or already is an emotion affair which can turn messy very quickly.

Absolutely speak to him and if he denies the volume of daily message to just be one offs then you know he is getting further invested.

At that point you could mention what you seen. (iPad did an update) and message visible.
Good luck x

MartiniFlan · 10/05/2023 11:56

I would also feel uncomfortable with this OP. I wouldn't think anything has necessarily happened between them yet, but I agree with you on the 'that's how affairs start'. I think a lot of people, especially men, are very naive and think that only like, serially unfaithful arseholes end up having affairs, and as such, don't recognise when they on this path - ok, they've not kissed, not had sex, not really said anything that couldn't be brushed off as platonic - and get very touchy when it's brought up - ok, they're not having an affair, but they're still dedicating emotional time and energy towards someone else in a way that they aren't towards their partner. I think people get caught up in the flattery, sense of something different, but often don't take steps to mitigate this because they think they know themselves too well, and are too selfish to think how the behaviour might come across to their partner.

I'd talk about it with him, but be prepared for him to immediately get on the defensive - otherwise 'good' people don't like insinuations that they might do something so out-and-out 'bad' that they shut down and refuse to engage, because they see you as slighting their character somehow, rather than you being rational and trying to take logical steps to protect your relationship.

OhComeOnFFS · 10/05/2023 12:00

I would definitely be worried about this and would have to speak to him. There's a certain amount that you now know - if he denies any of that then that speaks volumes.

I think your friend did you a favour - what kind of friend would she be if she'd heard rumours, seen what was going on and didn't say a word to you?

Original poster
Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 12:03

This is exactly how I feel. I also know this is how he will react!

Her marriage ended due to her having an affair and whilst single she had an affair with a married man. So it’s certainly not new territory for her.

Equally, if I do tackle it with him, what do I want him to do? Stop messaging her? Stop all contact? That then potentially has consequences for me, making me look like the insecure one…

OP posts:
finished31 · 10/05/2023 12:06

Equally, if I do tackle it with him, what do I want him to do? Stop messaging her? Stop all contact? That then potentially has consequences for me, making me look like the insecure one…

All of it. She clearly has a form and it waiting for the next man to bite.

5128gap · 10/05/2023 12:06

You always get a few on these threads who will tell you it's fine because they have a male friend, or their Derek plays tennis with a woman and men and women...just good friends...bla bla bla.
Others will gaslight you into believing you're controlling and insecure.
In the real world, you have a partner who is devoting head space to another woman multiple times a day, who is engineering meetings with the woman using your DC as an excuse, who a mutual friend is discreetly tipping you the wink about, and all shrouded in secrecy from you.
If some people think that sounds like harmless platonic behaviour, of no threat whatsoever to your marriage, well, I beg to differ.

Original poster
Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 12:06

I’ve also omitted that he know ‘employs’ her to do some work for his elderly parents in their home.

Coincidence? Or does it come from the place that they need help, he’s a kind and generous man and will always use the services of friends’ businesses wherever possible…

OP posts:
overitunderit · 10/05/2023 12:07

The things is if it's bothering you (which it clearly is) then you are entitled to say that to him. You can admit that you know it's irrational and say you know it's generally been normal in your life to have opposite sex friendships but that you would like to discuss a few boundaries as you're worried it might escalate to something else.

Hopefully you can speak honestly with him. I wouldn't admit to reading his messages though as he would understandably be angry about that.

xyxygy · 10/05/2023 12:07

Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 12:03

This is exactly how I feel. I also know this is how he will react!

Her marriage ended due to her having an affair and whilst single she had an affair with a married man. So it’s certainly not new territory for her.

Equally, if I do tackle it with him, what do I want him to do? Stop messaging her? Stop all contact? That then potentially has consequences for me, making me look like the insecure one…

To put it bluntly, your marriage is in trouble regardless of whether something's going on here or not. There are two possibilities:

1 - He's having an affair - it's over.

2 - He's not having an affair, and has no intention to, but you've proven that you don't trust him by way of spying on his messages and your stated need to "do something" about this, and talking to other people about it without talking to him. Anyone with any self-respect would realise that the marriage is done for on that basis alone, because what about the next time he has a friend you don't like the look of etc? He's now in the position where he's only allowed to have friends that you don't deem a threat, no matter how faithful he is.

slipsand · 10/05/2023 12:08

Your friend has given you the perfect 'in' - tell him others are noticing, ask if you have anything to worry about and if he can mindful of how this might look. If he's the great guy you've said he is, he'll get it.
You'll get loads on here saying treat it as if she were a he, but honestly in the real world it's not a good look and that level of investment in any new friend is a little overkill; and I'd go a far as saying could easily slip into the wrong territory- maybe not even by him.

overitunderit · 10/05/2023 12:08

@xyxygy in neither of those scenarios is their marriage definitely over!!

piper678 · 10/05/2023 12:09

Huge red flags. Even if nothings going on, he needs to reign in the messages because they're bordering inappropriate

xyxygy · 10/05/2023 12:09

overitunderit · 10/05/2023 12:08

@xyxygy in neither of those scenarios is their marriage definitely over!!

To counter...in both, neither can ever fully trust the other again, and a marriage where there isn't trust is doomed.

CovertImage · 10/05/2023 12:10

She "snuck" into your social group eh? Blood single women always after our men

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