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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She’s too friendly with him?

272 replies

Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 11:34

I’ve had this nagging feeling for a while about a woman who has slowly snuck into our social group. She’s a single mum, attractive, hard worker (a trait my DH finds attractive), has a fair bit in common with my DH, members at a similar sports club….

In January DH went on a sporting holiday, organised my his sports club and on it were several of our mutual friends. I was meant to go too but had to pull out at the last minute due to a sick child. Said girl went on the trip. There was a pretty active group what’s app (which I was on) prior to this and for a few weeks later, so I didn’t think much of their messages. the what’s app has quietened down and I’ve noticed some facebook messages coming up between them. I’m fine with this, or at least I was until recently, as I often message some of our mutual
single male friends.

Since the trip he’s now going to the club more frequently. I assumed it’s to increase his fitness as we’ve both piled on the pounds and are on a health kick. There have now been a few occasions where I’ve been at work and he’s taken our DC out for the day and they’ve randomly ‘bumped into each other.’ Over the bank holiday weekend a message with our mutual friends has been put on FB suggesting meal at our local pub. Guess who turns up too?
On the first May bank holiday we went to an event with some friends… who rocks up?

its all been at the back of my mind but we’re so easy going with things and trust each other to be friends with the opposite sex. However it’s starting to nag away with me. I took our 3 yo to the park last week and she recognised her daughter who was there with her dad. As far as I know, they’ve only met once. Then this morning I got a call from a mutual friend (member of the club, went on the trip, part of the extended friendship group) and this woman came up in conversation. She asked what I thought about their friendship, their messages, the fact that she seems to now turn up to everything. I honestly hadn’t really thought about it to that extent but others are now noticing.

So I did what I vowed I’d never do and I feel so bad for doing so, but I’ve downloaded his messenger back onto our home iPad (I’m sure the app has recently been deleted!!) and I’ve scrolled and scrolled through daily messages.
how’s your day? Where were you this morning (the club activity?) You two going to X’s party?
they’re sending selfies of themselves doing normal yet random things, photos of drinks that obviously remind them of their trip away, he’s sent a couple of photos of him during his work trip abroad.
it turns out she ‘owed’ him money (a pretty considerable amount) from their trip- he’s said it’s his treat! Apparently his first drink when they ‘party’ at an upcoming event is on her…
She was out at a birthday meal with me, he was at home with DC, she’s messaged him saying she’s out with me and I’m really good fun…
It goes on….

in fairness, it’s nothing more than the type of friendly banter you’d have with a friend, but other people are now talking. The messages are secret. Im only finding out about their little ‘random’ meets in passing. I’m now thinking he left a family party on Monday to do a site visit in a village where she’d tagged herself in a street party post. They didn’t meet up, but was he hoping to?

I don’t want to jump the gun here, I don’t want to confront him about messages that he would know I’ve read, I don’t want to say people are talking, I don’t want to be the bad guy here to shoot down their friendship because I don’t trust him…

I want to believe it’s nothing more than friendly banter but I’m really not sure now.

I need to nip it in the bud now though. I know this is how affairs start. How the hell do I handle it?

OP posts:
Sheepsheepeverywhere · 10/05/2023 13:11

Mentally add up how much of this friendship is in the open and how much is being kept from you? (And that's just what you do know about..)
If it sways to secrecy it isn't an innocent relationship is it? She loaned cash like you would to a close friend to cement their bond...
And bet she knows you don't know.

1FootInTheRave · 10/05/2023 13:12

I don't think this is innocent one bit.

Wtf is the money thing about too?

Bluebells1970 · 10/05/2023 13:16

No one should have to tell their spouse to cool a friendship because it's making them uncomfortable, and I would feel that I shouldn't have to.

If you talk to him, OP, it'll go two ways. He'll either be more determined and more secretive in which case it will certainly head into an affair. Or he'll blow up at you for not trusting him and turn you into the villain/him the victim.

I think you're already screwed here, if I'm honest...

5128gap · 10/05/2023 13:18

AnnesObstructiveFeather · 10/05/2023 12:41

I 'DH, your behaviour with her is crossing the boundaries I have in place for a marriage. Obviously you are entitled to do as you please, I don't control you. However, I'm not an insecure person who believes it's my role to put up with anything you choose to do if it makes me uncomfortable. So, I'm being very frank with you and telling you that you need to choose between continuing this behavior or me reviewing our relationship'.

You sound like a commissioner reviewing the performance of a contract.

Thank you!🙂

CaroleSinger · 10/05/2023 13:18

Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 12:03

This is exactly how I feel. I also know this is how he will react!

Her marriage ended due to her having an affair and whilst single she had an affair with a married man. So it’s certainly not new territory for her.

Equally, if I do tackle it with him, what do I want him to do? Stop messaging her? Stop all contact? That then potentially has consequences for me, making me look like the insecure one…

What you want him to do is reduce contact and back away a little putting respectful boundaries where they should have been. The problem you have is that he now employs her at his parents so it's going to be a tad difficult to scale back a little. Perhaps the best you can ask is that he is just aware of how it may be perceived and that other people are starting to comment. That might be enough for him to work out himself that he has become over invested.

gettingoldisshit · 10/05/2023 13:18

I don't think your friend is shit stirring at all! I think she ( and maybe others) have noticed that your dh and this woman are a little to close and she is trying to make sure you are aware of it without upsetting you or making accusations! I wouldn't be happy with this situation if i were you, if something is not already going on then it soon will be! This is not normal friendship behaviour between two people of the opposite sex, especially when one is married!

fairydust11 · 10/05/2023 13:19

Op I know you don’t want to confront him & say people are talking, but you absolutely need to do this.

You need to know how he will react to what you say & you need to know he will respect you, your concerns & how you want things to proceed going forward.

The only way is to address all of this directly with him. Good luck.

gettingoldisshit · 10/05/2023 13:22

Saniflo · 10/05/2023 12:52

@Divorcedalongtime I work in a male orientated field and most of my friends are men. I never have anyone's wife or GF jealous about me as I don't sniff around them or fuck them. You probably need to look at how you are behaving to their partners if you are upsetting them as that isn't normal if you are behaving appropriately.

Spot on

CreamTeaThievery · 10/05/2023 13:25

lilacbunny · 10/05/2023 12:17

You cannot be nice in this situation.

She knows what she's doing.

Next time you see her, mention one of the selfies, drop in how dh shows you the conversations. Observe her reaction. Let her know that you are on to her. It might stir her up but others around will notice.

Affair or no affair, I don't think she cares about your feelings, she seems like the type to get off on trying to steal your man.

Mention to your husband what your friend has said.

A simple

"Do I have to be worried about your friendship because it's been mentioned that she's very over friendly and let's face it, she's a serial cheater who sleeps with married men, so if you plan to be her next victim, can you at-least have the decency to end this marriage because at this point with others noticing it's actually disrespectful"

Where does it say she's a serial cheater? I have reread it thinking I missed it the first time but still can't see that mentioned.

gamerchick · 10/05/2023 13:30

I need to nip it in the bud now though. I know this is how affairs start. How the hell do I handle it

You say to him 'im getting various people asking me how I feel about you and x'. People are noticing how much contact you both have and I'm now uncomfortable about your friendship. You need to have a think if you think the level of contact you're having is appropriate and would you be ok if the situation was reversed'

His reaction will tell you a lot.

Pluvia · 10/05/2023 13:30

I'd use the fact that a mutual friend has asked you what you think about their friendship as a way in. 'Something weird happened today, I was talking to X about Y and she asked me what I think about your friendship with Z. Apparently people are talking about it. It's left me feeling uncomfortable and we need to talk about what's going on.'

You don't need to mention what you know and if he decides not to tell you about his Messenger messages that will tell you something.

Curseofthenation · 10/05/2023 13:31

Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 12:03

This is exactly how I feel. I also know this is how he will react!

Her marriage ended due to her having an affair and whilst single she had an affair with a married man. So it’s certainly not new territory for her.

Equally, if I do tackle it with him, what do I want him to do? Stop messaging her? Stop all contact? That then potentially has consequences for me, making me look like the insecure one…

@CreamTeaThievery Here, she's cheated on her husband and also been involved in an affair with a married man.

tatteddear · 10/05/2023 13:31

Tbh this screams emotional affair. And if your mutual friend is at the pint of ti going you to tell you than id say their behaviour is pretty Blatant -it would take me being seriously concerned about a friend to call
Her up and say that.

You need to talk to him and say 'this is making me uncomfortable'

We all have different standards in our relationships and someone will be along to say 'it's fine, my h goes on holiday with his female friend etc etc' and that may be fine. But your gut and tbh what you are seeing in front of you is telling you this is off.

This happened to me in my first marriage. It ended in an affair. I told myself I was being stupid and paranoid and so did exh. I wasn't. The first time or the bloody second time!

Original poster
Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 14:01

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

He’s working from home this afternoon so I’ve confronted him and we’ve had a long chat. I genuinely don’t think he realised how much he was over stepping the mark, but he has admitted that other people probably do perceive their ‘friendship’ to be noticeable.

I didn’t mention the messages (and I still feel I’ve irreversibly crossed a line here) but said I’ve had something on my mind for a while and that other people are noticing. I mentioned the trip with the children to the theme park again (having read messages about it) and what he says does tie in with his texts and also the reality of the situation. I asked him why he left a bbq on Monday to go to a village with a street party that she might be at and he said he wondered why I acted so surprised at the time. Apparently his client had emailed him that afternoon about resolving an issue before a surveyor attended the site the next morning and then showed me the email….

i asked him if it’s just friendship when they’re at the club, out socially with our group or more. He admitted they have a private message thread (the one I read) and he now feels that perhaps he’s gone too far with that. I asked what was on it- he said general messages about his parents’ work (true), the ‘odd’ random message, ‘stuff’ about kids, their mutual hobby… but agreed that they message too much. He said it was innocent- but got quite funny when I asked to see the thread. Reluctantly he showed me but very much cherry picked what he read allowed. Said that shouldn’t have to read the messages myself because he wouldn’t ask the same of me. Big difference- I have nothing to hide on my phone! I don’t send selfies to married men!

I can tell by his reaction now that he knows that he’s gone too far and probably feels somewhat busted that our friends have noticed. He’s also told me that DH of our friend ‘jokingly’ asked if he was meeting up with this woman on that first bank holiday. It’s clear more and more people can see what’s going on. It might be innocent, it might not be going anywhere but for everyone that’s noticed and mentioned it to be there’s a heap of others that have. Even people I don’t know. It’s pretty humiliating.

he says he doesn’t find her attractive but they get on. They have things to talk about- I’d agree they probably have more in common than him and I do. They have mutual friends from some years back, in circles that I don’t mix. I know who she’s had her affairs with and he ticks all the boxes- he’s 15 years older, attractive, runs a successful business, sporty, drives the cars, wears the clothes, charismatic…. I don’t need to go on.

we haven’t really got anywhere with this. He says he was ‘probably’ out of order and will keep what I’ve said in mind but it’s just friendship.

I’m sure the majority of it is but as many of you have said, he’s devoting time and headspace by taking time out of his day to message her. If I hadn’t confronted him, who knows where this would take us in a few months time.

This isn’t the end of the issue by any means. I think all I can do now is watch and wait. He knows how I feel, how other people see it and how I view it- an emotional affair. I guess it’s up to him now.

OP posts:
xyxygy · 10/05/2023 14:09

we haven’t really got anywhere with this. He says he was ‘probably’ out of order and will keep what I’ve said in mind but it’s just friendship.

I’m sure the majority of it is but as many of you have said, he’s devoting time and headspace by taking time out of his day to message her. If I hadn’t confronted him, who knows where this would take us in a few months time.

C'mon, surely you must see how this sounds? He's not even allowed to message people now, because any messages at all to anyone require both time and headspace.

And you're still not even considering being honest with him about your own behaviour - you know you've irretrievably crossed a line there, and you're cool with lying to him about it because it put him on the back foot in the discussion and put you in the driving seat.

Can you see how deceitful and manipulative that is?

Pluvia · 10/05/2023 14:12

Good on you for having the conversation. Now you need to decide what he needs to do so that you can trust him. I haven't been in this position so I don't know what to suggest, but it seems to me that it's going to be very difficult to find a middle way. If he's going to keep going to his hobbies and encountering her it's not going to be easy for either of you to deal with. I would expect a partner in this situation to be prepared to go no-contact.

lilacbunny · 10/05/2023 14:14

xyxygy · 10/05/2023 14:09

we haven’t really got anywhere with this. He says he was ‘probably’ out of order and will keep what I’ve said in mind but it’s just friendship.

I’m sure the majority of it is but as many of you have said, he’s devoting time and headspace by taking time out of his day to message her. If I hadn’t confronted him, who knows where this would take us in a few months time.

C'mon, surely you must see how this sounds? He's not even allowed to message people now, because any messages at all to anyone require both time and headspace.

And you're still not even considering being honest with him about your own behaviour - you know you've irretrievably crossed a line there, and you're cool with lying to him about it because it put him on the back foot in the discussion and put you in the driving seat.

Can you see how deceitful and manipulative that is?

Woah don't even try to guilt her. What do you want? Her to say she was looking at his messages so HE CAN TURN the issue now into her and not him? He could totally use it to his advantage and make a new argument to deflect from his boundary stomping friendship.

Are you the Bunny boiler?

Give it a fucking rest.

And OP I would definitely carry on looking at messages secretly.
This is your life and children's life we are talking here

seventyfour75 · 10/05/2023 14:15

They both need to back off.I would just casually mention to him that this woman seems to be cropping up everywhere at the moment and it's like you can't seem to get away from her, all in a jokey manner of course and see what he says.

xyxygy · 10/05/2023 14:16

lilacbunny · 10/05/2023 14:14

Woah don't even try to guilt her. What do you want? Her to say she was looking at his messages so HE CAN TURN the issue now into her and not him? He could totally use it to his advantage and make a new argument to deflect from his boundary stomping friendship.

Are you the Bunny boiler?

Give it a fucking rest.

And OP I would definitely carry on looking at messages secretly.
This is your life and children's life we are talking here

Show quote history

She obviously already feels guilty about it, and knows it was wrong. However, she doesn't feel guilty enough to be honest, yet she's expecting honesty (and more) from him.

Strikes me as the height of hypocrisy.

Pluvia · 10/05/2023 14:18

Oh, I see you're already being blamed for catching him out! Don't feel guilty and don't tell him you knew about the messages in advance. And don't tell him you know how to look at them either. He's already confessed to an emotional affair. He's broken trust.

lilacbunny · 10/05/2023 14:22

@xyxygy i think looking through a chat of this woman and her husband and keeping it a secret is a lot different than expecting your husband to tell you if he's cheating, has plans to etc

You cannot compare the two.

Men can be cruel and try to have their cake. Why should he be even given opportunity to cover up.

seventyfour75 · 10/05/2023 14:24

Suspiciousmind1 · 10/05/2023 14:01

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

He’s working from home this afternoon so I’ve confronted him and we’ve had a long chat. I genuinely don’t think he realised how much he was over stepping the mark, but he has admitted that other people probably do perceive their ‘friendship’ to be noticeable.

I didn’t mention the messages (and I still feel I’ve irreversibly crossed a line here) but said I’ve had something on my mind for a while and that other people are noticing. I mentioned the trip with the children to the theme park again (having read messages about it) and what he says does tie in with his texts and also the reality of the situation. I asked him why he left a bbq on Monday to go to a village with a street party that she might be at and he said he wondered why I acted so surprised at the time. Apparently his client had emailed him that afternoon about resolving an issue before a surveyor attended the site the next morning and then showed me the email….

i asked him if it’s just friendship when they’re at the club, out socially with our group or more. He admitted they have a private message thread (the one I read) and he now feels that perhaps he’s gone too far with that. I asked what was on it- he said general messages about his parents’ work (true), the ‘odd’ random message, ‘stuff’ about kids, their mutual hobby… but agreed that they message too much. He said it was innocent- but got quite funny when I asked to see the thread. Reluctantly he showed me but very much cherry picked what he read allowed. Said that shouldn’t have to read the messages myself because he wouldn’t ask the same of me. Big difference- I have nothing to hide on my phone! I don’t send selfies to married men!

I can tell by his reaction now that he knows that he’s gone too far and probably feels somewhat busted that our friends have noticed. He’s also told me that DH of our friend ‘jokingly’ asked if he was meeting up with this woman on that first bank holiday. It’s clear more and more people can see what’s going on. It might be innocent, it might not be going anywhere but for everyone that’s noticed and mentioned it to be there’s a heap of others that have. Even people I don’t know. It’s pretty humiliating.

he says he doesn’t find her attractive but they get on. They have things to talk about- I’d agree they probably have more in common than him and I do. They have mutual friends from some years back, in circles that I don’t mix. I know who she’s had her affairs with and he ticks all the boxes- he’s 15 years older, attractive, runs a successful business, sporty, drives the cars, wears the clothes, charismatic…. I don’t need to go on.

we haven’t really got anywhere with this. He says he was ‘probably’ out of order and will keep what I’ve said in mind but it’s just friendship.

I’m sure the majority of it is but as many of you have said, he’s devoting time and headspace by taking time out of his day to message her. If I hadn’t confronted him, who knows where this would take us in a few months time.

This isn’t the end of the issue by any means. I think all I can do now is watch and wait. He knows how I feel, how other people see it and how I view it- an emotional affair. I guess it’s up to him now.

The ball is very much in his court now. If he nips it in the bud, that's great, hopefully you will both move forward. But if he carries on messaging her and meeting her, knowing how you feel then that's something he wants to pursue, he's playing with fire and he knows he's risking his marriage. Hope it works out ok for you.

xyxygy · 10/05/2023 14:24

lilacbunny · 10/05/2023 14:22

@xyxygy i think looking through a chat of this woman and her husband and keeping it a secret is a lot different than expecting your husband to tell you if he's cheating, has plans to etc

You cannot compare the two.

Men can be cruel and try to have their cake. Why should he be even given opportunity to cover up.

In that case, there shouldn't be any problem telling him. But...judging by the comments so far, I very much doubt that will happen.

AhNowTed · 10/05/2023 14:30

The usual victim blaming going on 🙄.

I would absolutely look through his messages in her shoes.

And my DH and I have zero access to each others phones and value our privacy. But we also have nothing to hide.

Well handled OP.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/05/2023 14:40

@EvelynKatie yes I've been there too. Single mum who did work for us- used to constantly comment on our house, our holidays, other people who she perceived to be doing ok. Always whatsapping my H (not me) telling him what she was up to etc- in my case I don't think she was even after my H- I think she liked what she perceived as getting one over on me and was envious. I later learnt she had form for this too. I did bring it up ( the texts were on our phone bills and there were lots) and the WhatsApp's I did find by sneaking around. He did say he felt she was OTT but that it seemed rude to ignore her as she did work for us. Personally I think he liked the secretive buzz .

Anyway I don't hold with all the 'just good friends' stuff with new people of the sex you are attracted to being very full on- and think many should actually read 'just good friends' - this is how shit starts.

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