She’s too friendly with him?

[Suspiciousmind1]

I’ve had this nagging feeling for a while about a woman who has slowly snuck into our social group. She’s a single mum, attractive, hard worker (a trait my DH finds attractive), has a fair bit in common with my DH, members at a similar sports club….

In January DH went on a sporting holiday, organised my his sports club and on it were several of our mutual friends. I was meant to go too but had to pull out at the last minute due to a sick child. Said girl went on the trip. There was a pretty active group what’s app (which I was on) prior to this and for a few weeks later, so I didn’t think much of their messages. the what’s app has quietened down and I’ve noticed some facebook messages coming up between them. I’m fine with this, or at least I was until recently, as I often message some of our mutual
single male friends.

Since the trip he’s now going to the club more frequently. I assumed it’s to increase his fitness as we’ve both piled on the pounds and are on a health kick. There have now been a few occasions where I’ve been at work and he’s taken our DC out for the day and they’ve randomly ‘bumped into each other.’ Over the bank holiday weekend a message with our mutual friends has been put on FB suggesting meal at our local pub. Guess who turns up too?
On the first May bank holiday we went to an event with some friends… who rocks up?

its all been at the back of my mind but we’re so easy going with things and trust each other to be friends with the opposite sex. However it’s starting to nag away with me. I took our 3 yo to the park last week and she recognised her daughter who was there with her dad. As far as I know, they’ve only met once. Then this morning I got a call from a mutual friend (member of the club, went on the trip, part of the extended friendship group) and this woman came up in conversation. She asked what I thought about their friendship, their messages, the fact that she seems to now turn up to everything. I honestly hadn’t really thought about it to that extent but others are now noticing.

So I did what I vowed I’d never do and I feel so bad for doing so, but I’ve downloaded his messenger back onto our home iPad (I’m sure the app has recently been deleted!!) and I’ve scrolled and scrolled through daily messages.
how’s your day? Where were you this morning (the club activity?) You two going to X’s party?
they’re sending selfies of themselves doing normal yet random things, photos of drinks that obviously remind them of their trip away, he’s sent a couple of photos of him during his work trip abroad.
it turns out she ‘owed’ him money (a pretty considerable amount) from their trip- he’s said it’s his treat! Apparently his first drink when they ‘party’ at an upcoming event is on her…
She was out at a birthday meal with me, he was at home with DC, she’s messaged him saying she’s out with me and I’m really good fun…
It goes on….

in fairness, it’s nothing more than the type of friendly banter you’d have with a friend, but other people are now talking. The messages are secret. Im only finding out about their little ‘random’ meets in passing. I’m now thinking he left a family party on Monday to do a site visit in a village where she’d tagged herself in a street party post. They didn’t meet up, but was he hoping to?

I don’t want to jump the gun here, I don’t want to confront him about messages that he would know I’ve read, I don’t want to say people are talking, I don’t want to be the bad guy here to shoot down their friendship because I don’t trust him…

I want to believe it’s nothing more than friendly banter but I’m really not sure now.

I need to nip it in the bud now though. I know this is how affairs start. How the hell do I handle it?

I 'DH, your behaviour with her is crossing the boundaries I have in place for a marriage. Obviously you are entitled to do as you please, I don't control you. However, I'm not an insecure person who believes it's my role to put up with anything you choose to do if it makes me uncomfortable. So, I'm being very frank with you and telling you that you need to choose between continuing this behavior or me reviewing our relationship'.

I have more than enough self respect, but thanks for checking in on that.

I wouldn't be happy with it

Talk to him. She has previous form for this which reinforces what I said earlier, she knows what she's doing and is seeing him as her next catch. Once she's got him and broken up your marriage she's probably going to get bored and move on to the next one.

You are insecure, but with good reason. Being insecure is not a bad trait. Your relationship is being threatened it's a completely normal reason to be insecure. Work out what you want your husband to do (personally I'd want cold turkey outside of the mutual club) and have that in mind in your conversation with him.

I'd not like this at all. I know that every couple has their own dynamic but I personally think starting random friendships with the sex you are attracted to, is asking for trouble. For me this behaviour would have crossed the line long ago.

You cannot be nice in this situation.

She knows what she's doing.

Next time you see her, mention one of the selfies, drop in how dh shows you the conversations. Observe her reaction. Let her know that you are on to her. It might stir her up but others around will notice.

Affair or no affair, I don't think she cares about your feelings, she seems like the type to get off on trying to steal your man.

Mention to your husband what your friend has said.

A simple

"Do I have to be worried about your friendship because it's been mentioned that she's very over friendly and let's face it, she's a serial cheater who sleeps with married men, so if you plan to be her next victim, can you at-least have the decency to end this marriage because at this point with others noticing it's actually disrespectful"

I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about him.

If you're honest, and tell him that you've been snooping on his messages because you deem his friendship with her a threat and you need to do something about it, then he should walk away.

Your focus is on the things he's done, but let's be honest here...do you really think you can maintain the moral high ground if nothing's going on after reading his messages?

If I was with anybody who did that instead of just talking to me and listening to what I had to say, based in significant part on the fact that "other people" were talking about me, then I would walk away immediately on the grounds that it sets a precedent that I don't want to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

She's not too friendly with him, they're too friendly with eachother. There's two of them in it OP. Let DH know you can see it and you're uncomfortable with it.

Nip it in the bud but be honest about it. Tell him without asking any questions that he is married to you - not to her, that it has to stop now or you will put a stop to it and embarrass them both publicly. That should do it

I would also use the 'people are starting to talk' route. I would say that I had no problem / doubts about their friendship but if others are finding it inappropriate, it has made you start thinking about it and see that perhaps they have a point.
Perhaps if he was on the verge of doing more, it might be enough to wake him up!

OP I'm in a 40 relationship and we both have friends of the opposite sex. Heck, I text a male friend every morning as we compare our Wordle scores.

But I wouldn't be happy with what you describe. I would have to say something and would expect my DH to respect my POV and reign in on his behaviour.

You can't control what she does, but he should have enough respect, and common sense to see that this is bothersome.

Being sneaky is a step towards blatant lying imo.
If you confront him he will just get sneakier - so you get 1 chance to deal with this... Gather all info you have and ask matter of factly where this friendship is going. And can you be forgiven for assuming the worst...
For your dd to recognise her they have been spending time together haven't they?

How would you react if your husband told you that you were no longer allowed to be friends with someone, and that if you didn't stop he'd publicly embarrass you? If any woman came on here to say that her partner had said that she would immediately be told to leave such a controlling bastard!

People will post and say it's all fine, he's allowed to have friends etc.

As someone who went through this with a now ex-DH, trust me, this will turn into more than just daily friendly messages. As you say, it's already giving alarm bells (e.g. little daily check ins, selfies etc. that he doesn't bother sending you) - and coincidental meet ups that are secretive... I've been through that and I would say you need to try and put a stop to this now.

Your not a possessive jealous person by the sounds of it but definitely listen to your instincts. It's too much this woman doesn't mind getting very close with a married man . Tell him it's too much now and back off her . Something isn't right about her in my opinion

It may be innocent on your DH side .However if she has form for this sort of thing ,It may be that hes enjoying the attention from an attractive woman a little too much! I think you need to tighten up with the group a bit .Be there each time ,dont let him go alone ."Turn up " unexpectedly at his parents ,when you know she will be there ."Oh Hi MIL/ got that recipe I told you about,the one you said was Toms favourite , at our wedding! Or Hi FIL, Tom wondered whether you could lend him that tool for a little job at the WE,maybe we can all meet up later" Lay claim to him! Say "Oh hi Jane ,didnt see you there ,Its all go with these guys isnt it! Tom and I are very close to our DP! Normally I would say you are overthinking it ,but she seems as though she has history with MM! Its also concerning that others have noticed as well

Hi OP.

So she has form, going by your latest post... I too would be feeling very uncomfortable about this, and quite upset.

I think you have some options here, and I also think your friend has done the right thing by speaking to you about this, it probably wasn't an easy conversation for her to have with you - good friends don't want to stir or highlight something unless they really feel there is an issue, and from what you've said you know you can trust her.

I don't know if this would be the right thing to do, but one option would perhaps be to invite this boundary crossing woman over and speak to them both, so the 3 of you together, and let them both know how you're feeling and what your concerns are, and why. This would really draw it all out into the open and there would be nowhere for anyone to hide... It might just be enough to knock what is turning/ has turned into an inappropriate friendship on the head.

Another option would be to speak with them both individually. I'd speak to her first, invite her for coffee in a neutral environment. Tell her how you feel, and what you've noticed and what your concerns are.

The most obvious option is to only speak to your husband.

As a single woman, I would NEVER, EVER behave like this towards a married man, or a man with a partner that I'm friends with because let's be real, we all know there are boundaries and when they are being crossed. She knows exactly what she's doing in my opinion, and she doesn't care and she's really pushing her luck here.

I'd speak with your friend again, as she is closer to all of this and knows you obviously much better than anyone on here, and discuss options with this friend about what feels right for you, with regards to tackling this. But remember, you do have options.

Good luck OP x

This is moving in the wrong direction and you need to put a stop to it.
I don't think anything has happened but as you say she has done it before.

I think you need to talk to him and say you are feeling uncomfortable about the level of contact and there have been comments from others. Remind him what a great life he has with you and the children and you want to make sure that you both take time to acknowledge that.

She’s a home wrecking nympho and I’d leave a message in the group chat saying as much. The other women will want a heads up to hang onto their men too!

I would not feel comfortable with it.

I think you should be honest with him and tell him that people are noticing and asked you about their friendship.

It definitely takes two, but she has a history of cheating and affairs, so I would be even more cautious around her. Even if your husband thinks it's an innocent friendship.

@KrisAkabusi If the circumstances were the same I would deserve it

Talk to him, OP. Tell him what your friend said and say you've noticed a few things yourself too. Tell him you trust him, but you are feeling a bit insecure and feel the need to bring things out into the open. Say that you're happy for their friendship to continue, but if so you need to him to be completely honest with you and tell you about every time they meet up, is he happy to agree to that? Assuming he agrees, then see what happens. Either he tells you every time (and if it continues to be this frequent you can have a conversation about how it's just too much), or he starts to lie about it. In which case you have your answer.

But I wouldn't be sneaking around leaving nice little messages and 'accidently' bumping into that person wherever, whenever wateva

I would absolutely be bringing up that people are talking about it because to me where there’s smoke there’s fire. Ultimately though you have to trust him and he hasn’t done anything wrong, but the fact people are starting to notice they’re spending a lot of time together I think is a sign it could escalate. He could be completely innocent and being friendly but he could be giving her the wrong idea and feelings could develop.

You need to speak to him you can’t carry on with wondering. I think people are noticing is a good in.
Is he happy in your marriage. His thoughts and energy should mainly be with you and your children.
If he says just a friend I’d counter he’s seeing her and messaging her way above what a friend would.