She’s too friendly with him?

[Suspiciousmind1]

I’ve had this nagging feeling for a while about a woman who has slowly snuck into our social group. She’s a single mum, attractive, hard worker (a trait my DH finds attractive), has a fair bit in common with my DH, members at a similar sports club….

In January DH went on a sporting holiday, organised my his sports club and on it were several of our mutual friends. I was meant to go too but had to pull out at the last minute due to a sick child. Said girl went on the trip. There was a pretty active group what’s app (which I was on) prior to this and for a few weeks later, so I didn’t think much of their messages. the what’s app has quietened down and I’ve noticed some facebook messages coming up between them. I’m fine with this, or at least I was until recently, as I often message some of our mutual
single male friends.

Since the trip he’s now going to the club more frequently. I assumed it’s to increase his fitness as we’ve both piled on the pounds and are on a health kick. There have now been a few occasions where I’ve been at work and he’s taken our DC out for the day and they’ve randomly ‘bumped into each other.’ Over the bank holiday weekend a message with our mutual friends has been put on FB suggesting meal at our local pub. Guess who turns up too?
On the first May bank holiday we went to an event with some friends… who rocks up?

its all been at the back of my mind but we’re so easy going with things and trust each other to be friends with the opposite sex. However it’s starting to nag away with me. I took our 3 yo to the park last week and she recognised her daughter who was there with her dad. As far as I know, they’ve only met once. Then this morning I got a call from a mutual friend (member of the club, went on the trip, part of the extended friendship group) and this woman came up in conversation. She asked what I thought about their friendship, their messages, the fact that she seems to now turn up to everything. I honestly hadn’t really thought about it to that extent but others are now noticing.

So I did what I vowed I’d never do and I feel so bad for doing so, but I’ve downloaded his messenger back onto our home iPad (I’m sure the app has recently been deleted!!) and I’ve scrolled and scrolled through daily messages.
how’s your day? Where were you this morning (the club activity?) You two going to X’s party?
they’re sending selfies of themselves doing normal yet random things, photos of drinks that obviously remind them of their trip away, he’s sent a couple of photos of him during his work trip abroad.
it turns out she ‘owed’ him money (a pretty considerable amount) from their trip- he’s said it’s his treat! Apparently his first drink when they ‘party’ at an upcoming event is on her…
She was out at a birthday meal with me, he was at home with DC, she’s messaged him saying she’s out with me and I’m really good fun…
It goes on….

in fairness, it’s nothing more than the type of friendly banter you’d have with a friend, but other people are now talking. The messages are secret. Im only finding out about their little ‘random’ meets in passing. I’m now thinking he left a family party on Monday to do a site visit in a village where she’d tagged herself in a street party post. They didn’t meet up, but was he hoping to?

I don’t want to jump the gun here, I don’t want to confront him about messages that he would know I’ve read, I don’t want to say people are talking, I don’t want to be the bad guy here to shoot down their friendship because I don’t trust him…

I want to believe it’s nothing more than friendly banter but I’m really not sure now.

I need to nip it in the bud now though. I know this is how affairs start. How the hell do I handle it?

If he was friendly with a woman his age with whom he had lots of things and circles in common, who was a decent person, who you knew about and were kept in the loop about…well, that would be very different.

In legal terms, that's known as "assuming facts not in evidence". See my earlier comment about the fallacy of starting from the assumption that men are lying, womanising morality voids.

There's really no need for the hyperbole. It's entirely possible for us to think some men are great, and at the same time think that the man who is the subject of this thread is in the wrong. I think its you that struggles to separate the circumstances of the thread from your own agenda, as you tie yourself in knots twisting the facts and inventing new possibilities to defend the behaviour of a man who has unfortunately let your side down.

No, I simply started from Hanlon's Razor. I haven't invented any new possibilities or twisted facts - I've only gone from the facts mentioned in the OP's posts (as opposed to the opinions stated therein). Critically, I haven't assumed any intent other than what's been stated.

It's interesting that, because I'm not joining in with the baying mob (who have twisted facts, and invented circumstances and intent), the conclusion is that I have some sort of agenda. That's an invention of your own, I'm afraid.

But go on, I'll play. Exactly which facts have I twisted? Everything I've said is based on the facts that the OP has gone through all of the messages and found nothing, and questioned him extensively on the events in question and he has provided both commentary and documentary evidence that contradicts the conclusion that he's having an affair. Any conclusions as to his intent, or his mental or emotional state, require the invention of new facts which have not been supplied to fill that gap.

Who, then, is twisting facts and inventing new possibilities?

See, the problem is that you're viewing it through the lens of your own bias - try seeing it from the perspective of a husband who just thought he was making a friend.

🤣🤣🤣

Man or handmaiden: which is it?

Either that or you’re raking naive to new levels.

So funny.

Also you’ve got an astonishing amount of time to write teams of nonsense defending this guy. 😆 it’s very entertaining.

Better that than the bitter, cynical twaddle in the rest of the thread. So resistant to even the slightest possibility that he's innocent, despite zero evidence to the contrary...he's a man, he must be guilty.

And then, for pointing that out, I must be a man or a weak thrall to even countenance it.

Also you’ve got an astonishing amount of time to write teams of nonsense defending this guy. 😆 it’s very entertaining.

Takes very little time at all, to be honest. I'm only really here for the soap opera that you lot provide, though - same as everyone else. Let's face it, almost nobody's here in AIBU to actually help anyone, because then you wouldn't have so many posts saying the same thing and adding nothing. It's all for the vicarious enjoyment of someone else's misery (and even better if you can point it at another person).

If I'm totally honest, though, poking you lot is actually more fun than the rest of it. Y'all don't need much of a nudge to jump to insults, do you? Only slightly more than it takes to get you to jump to conclusions.

Call me controlling but I wouldn’t be having this AT ALL.

She was out at a birthday meal with me, he was at home with DC, she’s messaged him saying she’s out with me and I’m really good fun…

This would make me very uncomfortable. She is texting your OH , about you, in front of you. And he doesn’t see a problem.

Better that than the bitter, cynical twaddle in the rest of the thread. So resistant to even the slightest possibility that he's innocent, despite zero evidence to the contrary...he's a man, he must be guilty.

No, he started a secret relationship with another woman, engineered secret rendezvous, gave her a financial gift, invited her secretly to a load of events, secretly spent time with her by upping his time at the club…

That’s why he appears guilty.

You need to find a better way to spend your time, than to write screeds of twaddle defending this poor man who just desperately wants to make friends 😆

Trying a different tack now I’m laughing at you… (‘loons’ is technically namecalling by the way)

Not at all, just expressing my amusement. My my, you people are touchy.

I haven't read the whole thread but if it smells like a rat it usually is. Whatever route you go down...cool wife or fish wife if an affair is budding it will play out regardless. From your description of events I would be concerned that it is all very inappropriate at best.

So I am doing exactly as you suggest looking through the lens of the ‘nice’ guy and in
op’s dh’s own words he acknowledges he has overstepped, that the daily communication was too much, and it is a crossing is a boundary. What friends do you have that you speak to multiple times a day and gift them family money? I have very close long standing friends and it would feel weird and intrusive to have this level of constant communication. I have an identical twin and don’t have this level of communication daily!

No matter how you play this down, this is a breach of trust, and if he has done this innocently and without intending any harm, which is perfectly possible, we can expect him to drop the friendship like a hot stone and prioritise his marriage. I would be glad to read this outcome trust me! If I had over stepped and hurt my husband I would be moving hell and high water to fix it. Let’s see what he does next.

I call gaslighting.
Turning it back on people who are expressing solidarity or sympathy with OP.
"You people" ??? who are you?
'touchy'? - no, angry.

OP, when I started my own thread I had loads of people saying that it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex. Yes it is. My DP has several female friends and I never thought twice about it. This particular friendship combined with DP's change in behaviour, really alerted my spider senses.
If other people are commenting, they have noticed something out of the ordinary.
Good luck.

Meh. When people start misgendering me and chucking insults at me, then report my post for the horrific word "loon"...kinda hard not to laugh at them (especially when it's totally apparent that it's really because I dared to disagree with the mob mentality here). It's playground behaviour, and speaks more of their mental capabilities than mine.

But sure, call it gaslighting if it makes you feel better that you don't have to think outside your little box. Much better to fan the flames of doubt in someone's marriage on the advice of the mob, eh? After all, that's what this section is about.

Well, that and Daily Mail-style middle-England outrage, of course.

I wish someone IRL had fanned the flames a bit harder in my situation. I knew something wasn't right, and I was told ' he wouldn't do that' and 'it's harmless' 'they're just friends' etc. WRONG. I don't know what Daily Mail style middle England even means.

Are you starved of attention or something? Do people not notice you normally? Why so hungry for people to pay you attention on here?

I hope he dialled it all back a bit since your chat OP. Constant messages and selfies etc would be too much for me and it sounds hard knowing his attention is constantly on her.

Yes let’s hope so