She’s too friendly with him?

[Suspiciousmind1]

I’ve had this nagging feeling for a while about a woman who has slowly snuck into our social group. She’s a single mum, attractive, hard worker (a trait my DH finds attractive), has a fair bit in common with my DH, members at a similar sports club….

In January DH went on a sporting holiday, organised my his sports club and on it were several of our mutual friends. I was meant to go too but had to pull out at the last minute due to a sick child. Said girl went on the trip. There was a pretty active group what’s app (which I was on) prior to this and for a few weeks later, so I didn’t think much of their messages. the what’s app has quietened down and I’ve noticed some facebook messages coming up between them. I’m fine with this, or at least I was until recently, as I often message some of our mutual
single male friends.

Since the trip he’s now going to the club more frequently. I assumed it’s to increase his fitness as we’ve both piled on the pounds and are on a health kick. There have now been a few occasions where I’ve been at work and he’s taken our DC out for the day and they’ve randomly ‘bumped into each other.’ Over the bank holiday weekend a message with our mutual friends has been put on FB suggesting meal at our local pub. Guess who turns up too?
On the first May bank holiday we went to an event with some friends… who rocks up?

its all been at the back of my mind but we’re so easy going with things and trust each other to be friends with the opposite sex. However it’s starting to nag away with me. I took our 3 yo to the park last week and she recognised her daughter who was there with her dad. As far as I know, they’ve only met once. Then this morning I got a call from a mutual friend (member of the club, went on the trip, part of the extended friendship group) and this woman came up in conversation. She asked what I thought about their friendship, their messages, the fact that she seems to now turn up to everything. I honestly hadn’t really thought about it to that extent but others are now noticing.

So I did what I vowed I’d never do and I feel so bad for doing so, but I’ve downloaded his messenger back onto our home iPad (I’m sure the app has recently been deleted!!) and I’ve scrolled and scrolled through daily messages.
how’s your day? Where were you this morning (the club activity?) You two going to X’s party?
they’re sending selfies of themselves doing normal yet random things, photos of drinks that obviously remind them of their trip away, he’s sent a couple of photos of him during his work trip abroad.
it turns out she ‘owed’ him money (a pretty considerable amount) from their trip- he’s said it’s his treat! Apparently his first drink when they ‘party’ at an upcoming event is on her…
She was out at a birthday meal with me, he was at home with DC, she’s messaged him saying she’s out with me and I’m really good fun…
It goes on….

in fairness, it’s nothing more than the type of friendly banter you’d have with a friend, but other people are now talking. The messages are secret. Im only finding out about their little ‘random’ meets in passing. I’m now thinking he left a family party on Monday to do a site visit in a village where she’d tagged herself in a street party post. They didn’t meet up, but was he hoping to?

I don’t want to jump the gun here, I don’t want to confront him about messages that he would know I’ve read, I don’t want to say people are talking, I don’t want to be the bad guy here to shoot down their friendship because I don’t trust him…

I want to believe it’s nothing more than friendly banter but I’m really not sure now.

I need to nip it in the bud now though. I know this is how affairs start. How the hell do I handle it?

I had something similar years ago but with a work colleague of my husband. This woman was constantly hanging around him, talking to others at work about him as if he was "hers" (someone I trusted tipped me off). She appeared at places he'd told her we were going to at the weekend, trying to be all friendly towards me and she kept phoning him at home during the evening, talking for ages, interrupting our family time. I finally had enough when I overhead how they were talking to each other. She was moaning to him about people at work, who he had no problem with, and he was comforting and reassuring her and talking to her in a much nicer way than he spoke to me, like you say, he spoke to her like he spoke to me when we were courting. She told him that she really liked him and that it was him and her against everyone else at work, they were like soul mates etc I told him I wasn't happy about their friendship and that, even if he was just being nice, she was beginning to be too big a part of his life and was depending on him too much and no I wouldn't have felt the same if it had been a man. I told him how unhappy it was making me and he seemed genuinely shocked, swore nothing had happened between them and that he didn't fancy her etc. I told him he should have more respect for me as his wife and so he told her to stop phoning our home (it was in the days before mobiles) and he completely distanced himself from her at work. I think you need to lay your cards on the table with your dh, tell him in no uncertain terms how much this "friendship" is upsetting you. He may be unaware of how the situation appears and what her intentions really are. This needs nipping in the bud and I'd even have a word with her if you know her so well and, at this stage, I'd also think twice about going away on this trip abroad. I know you should be able to trust him, but do you trust her?

I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about this.
Confront him.
Whats going on with you and xxx because people are starting to talk and it’s making both me and you look like fools.
I

It definitely does sound like the start of something more than just normal mates.

It's ok to not be walked over OP. It doesn't make you controlling. You KNOW you're not controlling so don't let anyone make you feel that way.

I wouldn't mention reading the messages, but I would ask him why people are asking me about their friendship. Let him know it's on your radar.

But really, if he is wanting to cheat, he will. There's nothing you can do sadly.

I would mention it to him, let him know that it's a slippery slope and whilst you won't be issuing any ultimatums etc, you want him to know that you're aware that he seems to be 'bumping into her' more than what's normal and that he may regret pursuing this. That your family is precious and it wouldn't survive infidelity.

I would then leave it. Keep your eyes and ears open but continue doing what you enjoy and living your life. It sounds like you have a full life and he chooses to be stupid and chuck it away, that's on him.

I really like the tone of this from @lilacbunny

"Do I have to be worried about your friendship because it's been mentioned that she's very over friendly and let's face it, she's a serial cheater who sleeps with married men, so if you plan to be her next victim, can you at-least have the decency to end this marriage because at this point with others noticing it's actually disrespectful"

@Softoprider made me cringe my insides out, and @CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption's post is so awful it should be deleted

I 'DH, your behaviour with her is crossing the boundaries I have in place for a marriage. Obviously you are entitled to do as you please, I don't control you. However, I'm not an insecure person who believes it's my role to put up with anything you choose to do if it makes me uncomfortable. So, I'm being very frank with you and telling you that you need to choose between continuing this behavior or me reviewing our relationship'.

You sound like a commissioner reviewing the performance of a contract.

As someone who has a lot of male friends I think it looks like they are heading for trouble. To me sending selfies is odd, I don't send selfies to any of my friends really. Also the amount of messaging is a tell, lets be honest people with families just don't have time for this kind of level of texting unless they make time.

PP's suggestion of asking him if there is anything to be worried about as people have noticed is good. I'd also add that you expect him to be able to put the appropriate boundaries in place that he doesn't jepordise your family, and that is totally his responsibility.

Personally I would watch and wait. If you confront him about it now, he might just start hiding everything. If this is an emotional affair he won't just give it up because you say so, he'll start then with lying, deleting messages, secret phones and so on and then you'll never catch him out.

This isn't in any way appropriate. You're married and part of that relationship is prioritising you and your feelings above anyone else male or female. Shrug off the guilt about reading the messages - you're entitled to know what's going on to protect your relationship. If there's nothing to hide, why would he care?

It's upsetting you so it needs to stop. Your (very good friend - I wonder what else she has noticed?) has given you the in. Tell him people are commenting, it's upset you and you need it to stop. You find her uncomfortable to be around and you find this relationship undermining.

What does that look like? Stop the messaging, exchanging texts/photos and if he sees her out, be civil but breezy and don't spend time with her. As for the work arrangement - you'd prefer it if that was made with his parents.

Don't let anyone tell you you're being unreasonable - you're perfectly entitled to have boundaries. Even 'if' it's all in your imagination, it's still upsetting you and so it needs to end. And then I'd wait and see what happens. If he carries on, then you really do have something to worry about.

I'm very much of the opinion that if someone is going to cheat then they're going to do it and you can't really stop them as such as they are responsible for their actions, all you can really do is act accordingly if it happens.

I would also feel uncomfortable with what's happening. I would sit down with dh and be entirely honest that you value the trust you have in your relationship and your communication being open so you need to be honest with him that this friendship is starting to make you feel uncomfortable and insecure because of the amount of 1-1 contact that's happening. I'd explain that you understand he might not see it as anything more than friendship but that people are talking about it which makes things awkward for you and you're worried that she might get the wrong idea from him given that she's single and looking. I'd ask him to reconsider how much contact he's having with her 1-1 and tell him you've noticed it's a lot more than you have together and you'd rather that you both take this opportunity to invest a bit more time in to each other. Maybe plan and go on more date nights and spend more time together build on your intimacy etc. I'd be really clear that you still trust him but you are starting to worry and you don't want anything to eat away at that trust so you're coming to him directly.

Then it's completely up to him what he does and how he responds. Hopefully he'll reduce the one to one communication with her and back off a bit and see her just in social settings with others.

As someone who is often thought to be the OW by insecure WAGs just because I have a vehicle related hobby and work in a male dominated manual industry, I think this is insanity.
I have never understood this weird possessiveness in relationships.

No I wouldn’t be happy with this OP. I think you need to talk to him and I think the angle that other people are noticing their close friendship is a good one. It’s disrespectful to you to be messaging another women every day, engineering meet ups, sending selfies etc. Plus she has form for this. He may just be flattered by the attention but it does need to stop.

There’s nothing you can do to stop him from going further with this if that’s what he chooses. But just let him know that you’re unhappy with this level of contact and if he values his marriage that needs to change. Then see how he reacts. And keep a very close eye on it.

Red flag is she has form for doing this before.

I'd feel very uncomfortable- if something isn't going on I'd bet anything that she is working her way to something happening and this is what she has planned.

Of course she will be at events with your mutual friends - why shouldn't she turn up?

Speak to both of them separately.

Explain to the woman that mutual friends have been commenting on her behaviour towards your DH and that, combined with her previous cheating history, is giving her a reputation that she probably doesn't want.

Say it's making her look untrustworthy, a bad friend and a bit desperate.

Tell your DH a similar thing.

Make it clear they're both embarrassing themselves and tell your DH that if he wants to court other women then he should do you the courtesy of divorcing you first.

It's not insanity-affairs do happen and op has already said this woman has had multiple affairs. Meaning she has a type and that type is taken. It's not insanity if random people are also noticing it's unusual. And even if it is all over nothing and perfectly innocent it's still how op feels and she's entitled to work through her feelings in her relationship and place whatever boundaries she feels are appropriate to feel secure and as though her relationship is healthy.

As someone who's dh has multiple close female friends who i have zero problem with (including exes) I'd gently suggest "wags" have a problem with you because you are dismissive of their concerns and would label them an insane wag who's weirdly possessive in the first place instead of thinking about why they feel you may be a threat and understanding where they are coming from.

@Divorcedalongtime I work in a male orientated field and most of my friends are men. I never have anyone's wife or GF jealous about me as I don't sniff around them or fuck them. You probably need to look at how you are behaving to their partners if you are upsetting them as that isn't normal if you are behaving appropriately.

I think I'd also be concerned about him lending her money. How much was it, and why isn't it being repaid?

Having been the dw in your situation here op, I'd definitely nip it in the bud, and if you come across as being controlling then so be it.

I remained cool, didn't want to be seen as a nutty jealous wife. Of course he kept contacting her and 'bumping' into her, so much so, his dick accidentally 'bumped' up inside her

I'd be open and honest

'Look dh, your relationship with X has now stepped over into emotional affair territory. You're keeping conversations secret from me, you're meeting up and saying and telling me it's not been arranged and people are also commenting on how inappropriate you are both being. If you respect and love me like you say you do, you'll stop all contact with her from now onwards. If you want to tell her you realise you're being inappropriate and will be stopping contact, that's fine, but you do it here and now in front of me'

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he's not ashamed and embarrassed by his behaviour or tries to back peddle and tell you it's just friendship then imo your relationship is over

Your alarm bells will be ringing for a reason especially as you didn't have an issue before. I'm mean and would say someone saw them out together with the kids and thought they were having an affair. His reaction will probably tell you everything you need to know.

@Divorcedalongtime I also work in a male environment. Have spent many overnights, days and weeks in hotels with male colleagues. I have male friends, as my DH has female friends.

Never has a wife or girlfriend needed to be concerned about my behaviour.

I am in a very long term relationship, with both having friends of the opposite sex, and I would not be happy with what the OP describes.

We're not all "jealous WAGs" FFS.

I concur with @Saniflo

Single ✔️
Work with men ✔️
Hobby with men ✔️
Male friends ✔️

Have I ever had an inappropriate relationship ❌
Have I ever given anyone cause to believe I would have an inappropriate relationship ❌

Friends with the opposite sex is completely possible in a way where everyone feels comfortable, but when DPs and others are feeling uncomfortable, that friendship has usually crossed a boundary.

Presumably the OP's husband is a straight male, so it's obviously not the same thing if he developed a close relationship with another man. Sick of that kind of thing being banded about on threads to make women out to be the bad guys.

OP you need to have it out with your husband. The relationship is unacceptable and he needs to cool it off. You're uncomfortable and others are noticing it isn't a 'normal' friendship either.

The giving money is a huge thing if it’s from joint account and not told her. It sounds like a substantial amount and should have been discussed.

I can guarantee that isn't the only reason they think you're the OW. 🙄 You're use of the word insecure aimed at these women is quite telling too.

I wouldn't like this either and I have male friends that I speak to regularly. The difference is that this woman has a history of cheating on her husband and with a married man to boot. Frankly, that's enough for me to not trust someone's intentions. She's shown people who she is, believe her actions.

In my mind, she's lost the right to be trusted!