To think this is outrageous from the school?

[HarryViles]

DS is just 4. He is at pre-school attached to a private school. He had an awful first few months there - very unsettled and unable to concentate - to the point where he is now on waiting list for ASD diagonsis as the pre-school's recommendation.

However, the last few months he has been doing so well. They have always been a little cold but they are professional and followed the local authority's advice and he has responded very well. They tell me all the time how much progress he is making and friends/familiy comment on the incrase in confidence/verbal etc.

Long story short - I went to a meeting today to see about him going to reception to the school in Sep this year - I know they have places.

(He does have a space at a local state school which seems great - just big class sizes but lovely kids and teachers)

The private school told me they couldn't cater for him as well as the state system, and that 'kids like him are better suited in the state system because they have the resources'. They said 'those schools can do things like sensory rooms, breakout areas, and with additional funding can provide 121 support - we can't and won't do any of that as we simply don't have the resources' (the fees are £20k plus a year). The Senco then said "it's not our fault the government don't give us additional money for kids with challenges".

They also said "our governors want us to be more competitive academically, so they are going to invest in that, not support for kids who are strugglign. sorry to be blunt but that's the way it is"

Obviously I don't want him to go there now. We can't barely afford the fees by the way but he's really doing well there - he has friends, he runs in every day, he comes home and tells me what he's learnt - the change in his is enormous so would sell a leg to continue that if I could.

They keep telling me how bright and funny he is, and then when I say about him staying they say "no no, kids like yours aren't catered for here"

He's barely 4 years old.

Isnt' that discrimantory? I feel angry. I know he won't go there. But can private schools basically do what the F they like?

fee paying schools do this to lots of children at various ages for lots of different reasons. It’s not just your son but yes it’s bloody harsh!

personally I’d go down the EHCP route and workout if his needs create an entitlement to a special school where they have the knowledge and support available. Sadly from experience however often kids have to hit crisis in state school to access special needs school places.

personally I’d look for a 4-18 Steiner school. An alternative provision where the curriculum will be more sensory, balanced, nurturing and wholesome.

A lot of LAs won't accept private diagnoses but it shouldn't make much difference especially at primary as provision/adjustments should be based on his needs rather than diagnosis. When my autistic child was in primary school there was another autistic boy in his year and they couldn't be more different in terms of their presentation and support needs.

They have been honest and upfront about what they are willing, and unwilling, to offer.

There have been countless threads on here however about state schools that are overtly hostile to taking on a child with SEN, and doing all they can to avoid taking one and/or forcing them out. Also plenty of threads about parents in state schools acting in much the same way.

This is very accurate.
I’d get what they said in writing if possible to use as evidence for trying to get SEN support in state school.

Private schools are selective. They pick the children that will look good for them and then they can shout look how good we are, send your children here (but only if they don't have too many challenges, some are ok though).

I found similar with my now 16 year old. ASD and ADHD, passed entrance exam easily, they decided that they thought the state system would be able to cater to his needs better. They missed out on a child that is forecast to get grade 9's at GCSE. He will go onto University. They don't take changes, it's all about the easy ones. Selection to ensure they can say they get the highest results, you see the adverts each year, send your children here for £X amount each year and get the best. Most of them would achieve the same at a good state school.

@HarryViles if he gets a diagnosis of ASD he will qualify for support. Look at SEND information on school websites & Ofsted. My head does an amazing job of challenging our LA to push through EHCP's for children to make sure they have the support they need. There are a lot of charities that can offer support in obtaining an EHCP - you don't need a formal diagnosis to apply for one.

My dc started school last Sept and didn't have a diagnosis then however I made sure I told her teacher that I felt there were issues. It's only recently that they've started to notice little things in school as she does such a good job of masking.

Indeed. Cotton wooled from society and the spectrum of differences. No understanding or idea of others and their struggles (mainly) and then we wonder why elitist MP's have no idea when making policy decisions for the country. They are out of touch because they grew up without the diversity of a society.

excellent advice re getting it in writing for evidence. Explain it is just to get his needs better met.

@HarryViles save the money that you would have spent on a private ASD assessment and instead spend it on good SLT / OT / ed psych reports (all three if you can, if not, then identify which you think will be most useful to your child).

These will identify your DC's needs and can be used as the backbone of an EHCP. A good report will come with recommendations for what should go into the EHCP. They are reliable for SEND tribunal if your EHCP is declined too.

Don't be too sad about him not going to this school as it sounds like they are ill equipped in every regard for him.

“private schools add a huge amount to this country. "I think there are very good private schools, and there's no case for abolishing them”
-Keir Starmer

@HarryViles It sounds like the school have handled this badly and I'm so sorry you've been treated this way, however speaking as a parent with a child at an academically selective private school, they can and will weedle out the children they don't feel fit the mould. It's harsh and incredibly brutal but it's much better to know now than several years down the line (DCs school pay lip service to 'helping' children with SEN in the early years only to boot then out later on, which is far worse). As others have said, if you feel your DC might struggle with large class sizes could you look for a private school with excellent SEN provisions (many do have) and less academic focus? Good luck and I hope it all works out.

SEN parent here, OP (my DC are in mainstream). My advice to you is to spend some of what you’ll be saving on private school fees as follows:

• A private diagnosis ASAP. Many are valid - just check with your local authority that they’ll accept one from the practitioner you opt for. Also check the practitioner follows NICE guidelines. A diagnosis will open doors at school as it should mean your DS is put on the SEN register automatically, and should therefore have extra support from the outset.
• Getting him an EHCP if you think he’ll need one. Money helps here: a private Ed Psych report, a consultant who can help you navigate the process… all worth it as it’s a process designed to put people off applying. Oh and many SENCOs will try and discourage you from applying - this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t (you can make a parental application if school refuses, as ours did).
• Allowing him to pursue his interests outside school in the form of clubs etc (IMO vastly preferable to pouring it all into private school and having nothing left).

His school sounds ghastly btw - absolutely their loss as your DS sounds brilliant. But sadly entirely to be expected in the private system, as others have said - they literally exist to discriminate so have done nothing illegal. You’ll get very used to it sadly, and there is plenty of ignorance and prejudice in the state system too, but you’ll become an expert advocate for your DS and thankfully we live in a time when there is more awareness of neurodiversity than there was, and lots of great support out there.

Also - the SEND boards on here are a great source of info!

Don't EVER send your child to a school where they are not wanted.
It's wrong of them yes, but you know now. They've been crystal clear.
I am sorry. I have been there. It's horrible. But don't try to send him there now.

They are institutionally ableist. It's appalling but your child is better off out of there.

Private schools cater for capitalism and everything about the capitalist world is also ableist. People who make most money are usually neurotypical with good physical health, social skills and mental resilience. Exceptions are made for neurodiversity if it's a form of ADHD/ASD that gives the individual socially recognised talents and they are functional enough in their daily life to bring credit to their school/employers/industry.

Unfortunately a difficult part of parenting any SEN child is finding out where they aren't wanted. However, in my experience you do actually need to find this out, and the sooner the better, so you can actually find a setting that does want your child. Much, much worse for them to be on the fence, not tell you and for your DC to limp along and get managed out later on when your options are limited.

Do make sure you have met with the SENCO's and head of any school you are now considering, state or private, so you can really get a feel of how inclusive they are and how much support they will put in place. Your DC's needs may well change over time so do do learn about specialist settings as some of these fill up early.

Also second a PP who says start getting all the assessments, investigations you need, especially if you can afford to go private and accelerate seeing an Ed Psych, SALT, OT etc. this will help support your DC. You do need to find good people though, we have had wildly different diagnoses and reports from different professionals.

Private schools don’t get funding to support additional needs so what they can do to support your child would be limited. In a state school you may get 1-2-1 time with a TA, this would not be funded at private schools. State schools will also get the funding to put in place sensory rooms etc, of course depending on how many children they are supporting with additional needs.

it’s not discriminatory - it’s being honest about what is best for your son rather than taking your £20k a year and disadvantaging him

The school have been honest about what they can’t (don’t want to) do, but entirely dishonest about what a state school might be able to do (even if they want to).

You may well find that your DS falls into the sizeable gap between ‘level of difficulty that a private school that focuses on results is unwilling to accommodate’ and ‘level of difficulty that attracts significant report in a state school’, and this is what you need to explore with the state school as a matter of urgency.

I have taught many children with ASD, both with a formal diagnosis and without. Almost all were on the SEN register but EHCPs were quite rare. Only 1 had funded 1:1 support in a mainstream class of well over 30 for ASD and ADHD alone, though some had funded 1:1 support for these conditions plus very high levels of learning difficulty or very challenging behaviour. Others had intervention from class TAs (but these are becoming very rare as funding problems bite in state schools) and as much support as is possible within the class and its many needs from the class teacher.

Be realistic about what your child will need, and what they will get in the state school. Become the expert, and a fierce advocate, because it us a sad fact that you will need to be. Consider all schools - those that are ‘best’ on paper are not necessarily the best for your DC. Be flexible - the school for next year may not be the school for the following year. Be cynical and canny - do not rely on others and research what boxes need to be ticked at every point. Good luck!

@HarryViles I'm so sorry that you have been made to feel this way about your son. What a repellent attitude on behalf of the school he is at.

I teach in a state primary and we have a very diverse cohort of children. The numbers of children with neurodiversity in our classrooms would probably surprise you. Yes, it is correct that state schools are good at supporting children with additional needs, mainly because we have to be. This does NOT mean that we have a magic money tree to support them, just that we do the best we can and know how the support system works.

Funding for additional support is contingent on assessments and getting an EHCP for your child. This is a lengthy process and there is a huge backlog. If your son started in Reception here, for example, it would be unlikely that he would get one before Y1. If the school he is at has TAs in Reception, they will provide the extra support. But bear in mind that schools are having to cut back drastically on support staff because of insufficient budgets, wildly escalating utility costs, and the lack of fully-funded pay from the govt (hence the current strikes ... not making this political, it's the truth). So bear that in mind when making your decision. Do give serious consideration to what the money you would be spending on fees could do for your son in a state setting (and DON'T take the advice not to mention your son's additional needs to the school ... the more we know beforehand, the more we can do and you won't be refused a state place on the back of it).

The sad truth, as PPs have said, is that some private schools maintain that they offer a 'better' education by simply refusing to take children that they consider to be undesirable or detrimental to their results. 'Nurturing environment' my eye.

I would advise you to come to the state sector. The water's warm :) Good luck.

It is good that this school is telling you they are not the best option for your child. There are plenty of private schools who would welcome him. Start looking about.

Long term op he'll be happier in state.

He'll be in a school that accepts him, where he isn't the only one needing some extra support.
You won't be seeing everything to keep him in there and then not being able to keep up with the lifestyle anyway.

You're likely to find it easier to make school gate friends and that will help with play date and fostering friendships etc.

Of course you're upset, they don't want your perfect, beautiful boy. But use that indignation to get him settled at the new school. Speak to them now if your place is confirmed about if they do a settling in week etc before school starts.
Our kids all go up a year for a full week in July

I think perhaps you've had two nasty shocks: the implication that your child needs more specialist help than you had thought, and the fact that this school cannot provide that help, which seems like a rejection of your child.
I understand you haven't yet had a diagnosis? That will help to determine the school that will be best suited to your child.

This site may help to find a private school that deals in specific additional needs:
https://educationadvocacy.co.uk/sen-schools-map

There are also private schools that provide specialised learning support for children who need it. Eton is one of them. Your current school is obviously not.

The private school system is built on discrimination, though. It's unpleasant to be in the group being discriminated against when you were hoping to be in the privileged group, but the system is what it is.

You're surprised that a private school that doesn't offer equal opportunities? That's what they're for! Parents pay so their kids don't mix with riff raff. The school has determined your child to be in the riff raff category.

Just like private healthcare only wants to treat nice predictable conditions like knee replacements etc, private schools want to have kids who are easy manageable, stable and will be capable of results that make the school look good. It's a business and they choose their raw material carefully. It's shit but so are private schools.

Read between the lines though. No case for abolishing them - a good case for taxing them more. There are some very good ones - but plenty that are not so good, that need to be forced to change, open up to communities etc.