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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my boyfriend to pay for our holiday?

163 replies

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:15

Boyfriend and I live together and generally split the bills for everything. This is despite him working and earning about £60k and for the last year me earning £0. I’ve been finishing a professional qualification that has eaten up ALL my savings and money (minus a bit of a deposit). But it does mean that come July my salary at work will go up a lot (to over £60k).

We have a holiday in the sun booked abroad. I paid for the flights for both of us (£400) and was going to deduct that from the hotel that we’d split. But I’m now the most skint I have ever been and was looking forward to this holiday before I start work. And I don’t have the cash to pay for the hotel or food when we’re there. I’ve suggested we book a cheapo hotel and self cater. And or that my boyfriend can pay for the holiday now, and once I start work I can pay him back over a month or two.

But he just wants to cancel it completely. Especially since he’s booked to “go away with the lads” too, he’s not interested in our trip.

OP posts:
MrBit · 09/05/2023 16:19

he’s just found the excuse he was looking for to cancel it
what a nasty thing to do

theonlygirl · 09/05/2023 16:22

Well he's not obliged to pay for the holiday, but you're not obliged to be his girlfriend either. Maybe you'd prefer to be the girlfriend of someone who wants to spend time with you by enjoying a holiday together after you've worked hard to better yourself all year and might see their way to covering the cost until you can pay them back. Rather then someone who thinks, well I'm alright, I've already got a break booked with the lads, so I don't care about you.

IrregularChoiceFan · 09/05/2023 16:23

I'd be leaving this 'partnership' he sounds like an complete arse!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 16:25

He's being very clear as to where you stand in his life. I would take heed if I were you. You're a placeholder.

BranchGold · 09/05/2023 16:27

How long have you been together?

I think I’d be inviting a friend on the holiday, hopefully you can split the accommodation and food costs, I wouldn’t ask them to pay for the flight. If you have a £60k job lined up in the next three months then I’d feel comfortable putting the costs on a credit card.

FinallyHere · 09/05/2023 16:31

Might it be worth thinking about why you paid for the flights for both of you up front?

It's a good lesson for the future, any time you make plans with other people, to agree how costs are going to be split up front. If you cover any costs, make you you are 'paid back' as soon as you have incurred the cost.

I'm usually very happy to make the arrangements. This ^ way, makes sure I avoid being out of pocket.

If you can get the cost of tickets back, I'd absolutely do that, much preferable to putting the costs of a holiday you don't really want on a credit card.

Borrowing to pay for things which loose value is always a route to unhappiness.

I agree with PP saying he doesn't seem to be interested.

Reugny · 09/05/2023 16:32

IrregularChoiceFan · 09/05/2023 16:23

I'd be leaving this 'partnership' he sounds like an complete arse!

This.

Hopefully you get a good job.

RudsyFarmer · 09/05/2023 16:34

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 16:25

He's being very clear as to where you stand in his life. I would take heed if I were you. You're a placeholder.

Yep.

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 09/05/2023 16:36

You booked a holiday whilst your not earning and now your complaining you can’t afford it (because your not earning) and therefore your boyfriend (not husband or fiancé) has to pay for you?
yeah, YABU. Can’t afford it then you don’t go. Simple.

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/05/2023 16:37

This is really a conversation that should have been had before the holiday was booked?

You agreed to a holiday knowing that you could not contribute equally to the cost. I am not commenting on what is right or fair, just what you agreed at the time. I assume that seeing as you say you have used up all your savings for this year of study, he has not agreed to support you financially in this year while you have been working.

Last year I agreed to support Mr NMoneky for 6 months whilst he tried out a business idea - this included me playing 100% for our 2022 summer holiday. Income wise I am your boyfriend in this scenario. We agreed it in advance and early this year we reviewed it and he decided that there wasn't enough millage in this business idea to be a full time thing so he got a job and the business is now a side hustle.

Original poster
popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:37

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 09/05/2023 16:36

You booked a holiday whilst your not earning and now your complaining you can’t afford it (because your not earning) and therefore your boyfriend (not husband or fiancé) has to pay for you?
yeah, YABU. Can’t afford it then you don’t go. Simple.

What an unfortunate choice of username…

OP posts:
Original poster
popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:39

Yes we had agreed how to pay for it, equal split. However with the cost of living etc my finances didn’t stretch as far as I could.

I already have a job lined up.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 09/05/2023 16:40

It's not much of a relationship is it , let's be honest he's not finding ways to help you go is he .

SavBlancTonight · 09/05/2023 16:42

If your relationship is serious enough that you're living together, then quite honestly, it's hard to understand why he isn't more supportive overall, including financially. I'm not sure this one is a keeper frankly.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 09/05/2023 16:42

Did you book flights for the holiday knowing you couldn't pay for the rest of it?

GuestStars · 09/05/2023 16:42

As you’ve got a job lined up, take a friend on hols and put reasonable costs on a credit card with a view to paying it off asap.

In your shoes though I wouldn’t stay with this guy!!

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2023 16:44

You are way, way down on his lost of priorities, do you want to waste more time with someone who thinks so little of you?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2023 16:44

List*

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/05/2023 16:47

OK so you agreed to split the costs but now do not have the money to fully cover your share.

You had three options:

Ask him to pay for you, with a promise you will pay him back as soon as you start your new job.

Move the holiday to when you do have the money.

Cancel the holiday.

If I were you boyfriend I would go with the first option seeing as you have a job already. The fact he has gone with the third option is sending you a message.

Ponderingwindow · 09/05/2023 16:50

Going into debt to pay for a holiday is irresponsible. You can’t afford a trip. Even short term debt doesn’t make sense.

I don’t understand why you paid for his plane ticket or planned this trip in the first place. Are you going to be OOP for the flights if the trip is cancelled? If you can get your money back, it seems like your boyfriend is being responsible.

W0tnow · 09/05/2023 16:51

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:37

What an unfortunate choice of username…

Show quote history

Touché, OP. 😂

I vote bin him.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/05/2023 16:51

It sounds like cancelling it is the best idea. You can't afford to go, and getting the money back from the flights would probably be helpful

UnbeIievabIe · 09/05/2023 17:00

Has he paid for anything else whilst you've been skint? The bigger picture is that he could be fed up of funding you? We are only getting a snippet here.

Pluvia · 09/05/2023 17:07

If I was your boyfriend and we lived together and I understood the full situation of course I'd sub the holiday on the basis that you'd pay me back over the next few months. Surely that's what living together and being partners is about? You share ups and downs and help support each other through pinch points. You appreciate that there'll be times when you need to support and times when you need to be supported.

The fact that he's used this as an excuse not to go away at all is shocking. You don't sound like a committed couple, more like two people sharing a flat and expenses. Surely you deserve someone better than this?

GrumpyPanda · 09/05/2023 17:08

You've offered to repay him. Doesn't sound like he's all that invested in your relationship. What does the trip with "the lads" entail btw? Booze, or something more interesting?