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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my boyfriend to pay for our holiday?

163 replies

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:15

Boyfriend and I live together and generally split the bills for everything. This is despite him working and earning about £60k and for the last year me earning £0. I’ve been finishing a professional qualification that has eaten up ALL my savings and money (minus a bit of a deposit). But it does mean that come July my salary at work will go up a lot (to over £60k).

We have a holiday in the sun booked abroad. I paid for the flights for both of us (£400) and was going to deduct that from the hotel that we’d split. But I’m now the most skint I have ever been and was looking forward to this holiday before I start work. And I don’t have the cash to pay for the hotel or food when we’re there. I’ve suggested we book a cheapo hotel and self cater. And or that my boyfriend can pay for the holiday now, and once I start work I can pay him back over a month or two.

But he just wants to cancel it completely. Especially since he’s booked to “go away with the lads” too, he’s not interested in our trip.

OP posts:
planningnightmare · 09/05/2023 18:39

In a loving relationship where both of you were looking forward to quality time spent on holiday your partner would have offered productive solutions.

he didn't want to stay in a cheap hotel option - this really shouldn't matter to him, a loving partner would just be happy to make memories you.

I'd hear what he is telling you very loudly with his actions.

Ponderingwindow · 09/05/2023 18:44

I can see how in a loving relationship, the answer might be that the couple reevaluates finances and decides to no longer split finances and he simply pays for the trip. I don’t understand the people saying he should loan her the money.

The trip is either something that can be afforded or it is not. It might possibly by a couple who decides to make their finances joint and that those joint finances can afford a holiday, but that is a new step in the relationship. It can’t be afforded by OP who would need a loan.

JudgeRudy · 09/05/2023 18:46

It seems very odd to me to book a holiday that you can't afford then ask/expect someone else to pay or lend you the money. You're nearly qualified and have just about ran out of money. You chose to spend your money on study, he chose to spend his on a different holiday. Unsure how much spare income he has but no, I would expect him to pay up.
Why not just reschedule. If uoure confident you'll be earning soon that shouldn't be a problem.

AspiringChatBot · 09/05/2023 18:48

Oh dear, OP, I'm so sorry to see that so many of the replies to your thread missed the point entirely and some silly billies didn't understand that neither suggesting cheap options you can afford nor inquiring about a very short term loan mean that you expect your boyfriend to pay for everything! You are definitely not being unreasonable here. It sounds like your boyfriend is being pretty selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings.

It might be worth having a serious conversation with him about how you're feeling and how his behaviour is affecting you. If he's unwilling to listen or make changes, you might want to reconsider whether this relationship is really right for you. In any case, I hope you're able to find a resolution that works for you. Sending you hugs and support!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2023 18:51

Can he actually afford both holidays OP?

Presumably if he cancelled the lads holiday then that will increase the costs for the rest of them. Its very easy for people to say leave him, he's shown you who he is, but if he has budgeted the lads holiday based on you paying half of your holiday then is it fair for him to miss out and his mates to pay extra because you can't keep to your side of the deal.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 09/05/2023 19:05

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 17:37

I can't help but wonder if the responses would have been different if a man had suddenly decided that he couldn't pay what he had originally agreed to pay and expected his girlfriend to cover the cost for him...

I'm with you. Role reversal it would be an uproar.

If I was with someone who agreed to split costs on a holiday then they went back on their word and expected me to 'lend' them the money before they'd even gone back to work, I'd not be thrilled. Why would I trust they'd pay me back when I can't even trust them to stick to the original financial agreement of the holiday? Especially when they clearly couldn't afford said holiday.

Dungaree · 09/05/2023 19:14

I think it depends on how serious the relationship is. I wouldn't want to pay for a casual bf's holiday. He is signalling that the relationship is not serious to him.

unsync · 09/05/2023 19:26

Where do you see this relationship heading? It might be time for a rethink, maybe whilst he's away with his mates.

whiteroseredrose · 09/05/2023 19:30

I think he's being mean. If you're living together then the relationship is relatively serious.

However, it is a MN adage that when someone shows you what they are really like, believe them.

Your OH clearly isn't taking your relationship as seriously as you are. You are not a team. He doesn't have your back and in your shoes I'd think twice before committing to DC as you'd likely be funding them yourself.

HermioneKipper · 09/05/2023 19:30

Sorry OP. He sounds horrible.

Dump him

greyhairnomore · 09/05/2023 19:36

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 09/05/2023 16:36

You booked a holiday whilst your not earning and now your complaining you can’t afford it (because your not earning) and therefore your boyfriend (not husband or fiancé) has to pay for you?
yeah, YABU. Can’t afford it then you don’t go. Simple.

Oh dear ...

Cc1998 · 09/05/2023 19:39

But I’m now the most skint I have ever been and was looking forward to this holiday before I start work. And I don’t have the cash to pay for the hotel or food when we’re there.

A holiday is a luxury and you can't afford it right now. Book one when you're earning a wage again. Saying "I wanted it" doesn't mean he should have to pay for it in advance for you. You don't have shared finances.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2023 19:41

I really fail to see how him choosing to cancel a holiday rather than fund the lot of it or do it on the cheap means he wouldn't be funding any potential DC ffs.

Why do it on the cheap when if they wait a few months they can do it exactly as THEY not him, planned on doing. He may not have enough money right now for 2 holidays. He has committed to 2 based on an agreement with OP that she has broken. We do not know if she can pay him back before his other holiday takes place. Postponing his holiday with OP and not incurring extra costs on his mates seems like a fairly sensible choice.

febrezeme · 09/05/2023 19:45

Who has been paying all the bill the last 12 months then if you are earning £0 and are skint???

If it's him I'd think you were taking the piss to have took a year out of work on his dime and then expecting him to pay for your holiday as well?

Tellmeimcrazy · 09/05/2023 19:47

This is crazy to me. It's a partnership! At the moment my partner isn't working so I've booked and paid for a holiday for the two of us. I'd expect him to do the same for me as well if the roles were reversed. Honestly, I think your bf is being a twat

Orangeradiorabbit · 09/05/2023 19:53

I'm with the other "it depends". Have you asked him why he can't/won't lend you the money?

Possible reasons: maybe he can't afford to sub you, or is saving for other things.

Maybe you haven't been together long enough for him to feel comfortable subbing you.

Maybe he is trying to save you going into debt.

Maybe he feels like he has subbed you in the past and it is getting annoying.

Etc.

Etc.

I don't think there is enough information to go on. I think, for higher earners, feeling like you have to pay for everything can start to feel annoying and you can get resentful. At the same time, it seems petty of him not to give you a proper reason, and also not to lend you the money if he can afford it and he knows you will pay him back.

This is one of the examples where couples who owe each other money is a bit odd. Ideally, if you have been together long enough and are committed he would just pay for you, knowing it will even out in the end. But everyone is different I guess.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/05/2023 19:56

Has he subbed you a lot over the last year whilst you’ve been earning £0?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 19:57

Tellmeimcrazy · 09/05/2023 19:47

This is crazy to me. It's a partnership! At the moment my partner isn't working so I've booked and paid for a holiday for the two of us. I'd expect him to do the same for me as well if the roles were reversed. Honestly, I think your bf is being a twat

I've booked and paid for multiple holidays for my husband, but that isn't the point.

Choosing to fund a holiday for the two of us is not the same as being expected to fund it when the original agreement was to share the costs.

I would be unimpressed if my husband demanded that I pay for something that he had originally planned to pay for himself.

Tellmeimcrazy · 09/05/2023 19:58

For clarity, OP didn't say she wasn't paying her way. She said she wasn't earning at the moment but that they generally split everything. OP has also offered to pay her partner back. It's not like she is trying to take the piss out of him. She paid for the flights and needs to borrow for the rest. She is soon to be earning more than him. I think he is being a massive twat and so are all of you implying she is being a pisstaker. Read the post properly.

Booklover40 · 09/05/2023 20:02

My ds doesn’t earn much at the moment and his gf is studying for her masters and does some bar work. He’s just told me he’s paying for them to go to Italy for the weekend. He loves her to bits and wanted to do something nice for her.

When I met dh I was a low earner and he was earning £££. After only being together a few months he paid for us to go on a lovely holiday, he knew it was something I could never afford. He told me on that holiday that he was in love with me and wanted us to move in together.

A partner who loves you will support you during difficult times and do nice things, and yes pay for things, just because they can and you can’t and it would be an act of their love for you.

I would seriously question your future with this man, he only seems bothered about himself and the fact he isn’t arsed about going on holiday with you and is prioritising “the lads” speaks volumes.

mydoghasanattitude · 09/05/2023 20:03

He's more interested in a holiday with friends than with you? I wouldn't be impressed. Assuming there's no backstory of you owing him money, taking too long to repay, etc., he's being difficult for no good reason.

Tellmeimcrazy · 09/05/2023 20:04

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 19:57

I've booked and paid for multiple holidays for my husband, but that isn't the point.

Choosing to fund a holiday for the two of us is not the same as being expected to fund it when the original agreement was to share the costs.

I would be unimpressed if my husband demanded that I pay for something that he had originally planned to pay for himself.

Show quote history

I don't think she demanded though. I'm not getting that vibe. I think she has asked him and said she would pay him back. I understand her language in the post seems like she demanded but i don't think she means it like that. Yes fair enough he can say no, but I think it's twattish behaviour.

Tellmeimcrazy · 09/05/2023 20:04

And also who wouldn't want to go on holiday with their partner?

FernGully43 · 09/05/2023 20:06

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:37

What an unfortunate choice of username…

Show quote history

🤣

ShowUs · 09/05/2023 20:06

I’ve not voted.

I think YABU to book a holiday when you don’t have a job and know that things would be very tight.

But I think he is BU to not pay and then have you pay him back.

However, there is something very irresponsible about not even having an evening job to keep yourself afloat and then to book a holiday when you have 0 earnings and I can’t help wonder if you are very bad with money and quite reckless, which is why he’s so reluctant to pay for it all.

I do think if it was the opposite way around and he had earned 0 for a year, spent all of his savings, booked a holiday knowing he’d be skint and then wanted his gf to pay for his holiday, everyone would be saying he’s taking the piss and he’s a cocklodger.