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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my boyfriend to pay for our holiday?

163 replies

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:15

Boyfriend and I live together and generally split the bills for everything. This is despite him working and earning about £60k and for the last year me earning £0. I’ve been finishing a professional qualification that has eaten up ALL my savings and money (minus a bit of a deposit). But it does mean that come July my salary at work will go up a lot (to over £60k).

We have a holiday in the sun booked abroad. I paid for the flights for both of us (£400) and was going to deduct that from the hotel that we’d split. But I’m now the most skint I have ever been and was looking forward to this holiday before I start work. And I don’t have the cash to pay for the hotel or food when we’re there. I’ve suggested we book a cheapo hotel and self cater. And or that my boyfriend can pay for the holiday now, and once I start work I can pay him back over a month or two.

But he just wants to cancel it completely. Especially since he’s booked to “go away with the lads” too, he’s not interested in our trip.

OP posts:
Sailingaround · 09/05/2023 21:02

YANBU but It probably shows you have different approaches to money. I like to think I lean more on the generous side and have offered to cover friends when things were tight for them on holiday, nights out etc.
so it goes without saying I’d lend my partner money if they had a job ready to return to unless they’d been sponging off me for years which isn’t the case here.

But I know some family members for example are quite stingy and wouldn’t ever give me a temporary loan for an event, even if I could show proof I’ll have the money in a few weeks. I guess now you know what he’s like you need to decide if you can put up with it

randomfemthinker · 09/05/2023 21:02

You're definitely not being unreasonable. Unless he is massively paying off debts that take up a lot of his wage then I don't see why he can't just cover a bit more over it, anyway. I mean you've already paid for £400 for the flights, which is a massive investment towards your holiday together, anyway. If he truly wanted to go on holiday with you, who cares if he has to pay a bit more than 50/50 and you'd made cheaper suggestions, anyway. A man happy and in love should be happy to pay a little more out of his high wage and spend time with you, regardless of your economic position right now or ever. He's either not that into you, OP or completely "tight" and that's not an attractive trait in a partner. It's fair game to want to do a holiday with the lads but it shouldn't come above YOUR holiday together.

Softoprider · 09/05/2023 21:06

If this is what he is like then it's a non starter. Let him be a miser with someone else OP

Meowandthen · 09/05/2023 21:14

Cc1998 · 09/05/2023 19:39

But I’m now the most skint I have ever been and was looking forward to this holiday before I start work. And I don’t have the cash to pay for the hotel or food when we’re there.

A holiday is a luxury and you can't afford it right now. Book one when you're earning a wage again. Saying "I wanted it" doesn't mean he should have to pay for it in advance for you. You don't have shared finances.

Exactly. Holidays, even this cheap trip, are a luxury not some kind of divine right.

If you are broke you cannot afford to go. That’s the case whatever the circumstances.

thisismyworld · 09/05/2023 21:30

I would have cancelled it aswel, I thinks it's a sensible idea to cancel when you have no income. Rebook when you're working.
Also why isn't he allowed to go on lads holiday if he can afford to go? Doesnt mean he's not interested in your relationship.
Just rebook when you start your job and start earning

Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 21:39

Once you are earning £60k you can offload this selfish, thoughtless. stingy git and find a man who loves you.

WombatBombat · 09/05/2023 21:40

I’d go in September, either with him or a mate, when you actually can afford it.

Riverlee · 09/05/2023 21:44

How long have you been together? It doesn’t seem much of a partnership.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/05/2023 21:47

Cheesepleasemrclease · 09/05/2023 17:39

Of course they would

he’d be a cocklodger

Show quote history

Would he? I paid for my then bf to go Paris for the weekend when he wasn’t very flush with cash. We’ve been together for 15 years now and we support each other.

It all all sounds a bit tight.

Radiodread · 09/05/2023 21:54

All the men I've ever known who were tight with money or unwilling to compromise on day-to-day issues have been rubbish in bed.

You have already offered to self cater so you can afford it, is that right? If so then he is just being a knob, plain and simple.

Malificent1 · 09/05/2023 22:02

Well he’s clearly more interested in his lads holiday, that much is clear. Nice guy.

Does he like being the high earner currently? Just wondering if he’s a bit put out that his higher earner crown will be knocked off his head once your new role starts. Certain men can get a bit jealous funny when their partner starts to out earn them.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 09/05/2023 22:03

I don't think OP is telling the full story here.

Traverser · 09/05/2023 22:04

Haven’t RTT but I would cancel him. He sounds like an arsehole.

Traverser · 09/05/2023 22:06

Radiodread · 09/05/2023 21:54

All the men I've ever known who were tight with money or unwilling to compromise on day-to-day issues have been rubbish in bed.

You have already offered to self cater so you can afford it, is that right? If so then he is just being a knob, plain and simple.

Exactly. People are generous in all things (reasonably) or they are not.

Quitelikeit · 09/05/2023 22:10

He sounds tight, greedy and selfish

Does he ever treat you?

ToWorryOrNot · 09/05/2023 22:11

That’s bloody tight when he knows your situation. My bf has paid for our summer holiday. We don’t live together. My children aren’t his, and it’s cost over £2k. I offered to pay but he wouldn’t have it.

BungleandGeorge · 09/05/2023 22:17

How much is the hotel and expenses going to cost him? It makes a difference as it could be hundreds or it could be thousands! Maybe he hasn’t got the money to lend and that’s why he wants to cancel? If you’re starting a guaranteed job on your return I’d probably just stick the expenses
on a credit card. Can’t you get accommodation that takes payment on check out?

KarmaStar · 09/05/2023 22:17

You and he are not meant to be together.he is an arse.move on as soon as you can.you are worth so much more.very much more.🌈

Pussycatbeen · 09/05/2023 22:18

If it were my partner who'd worked hard studying at great cost, I'd pay for the whole holiday for them (assuming I could afford it). I'd think it pretty mean to want to be paid back the money.

So although obviously OP's boyfriend is in no way obliged to lend the money, I'd be hurt. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who cancelled the holiday rather than lend me the money.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/05/2023 22:21

You went back on your word but he’s being unreasonable?! The cheek

Solonge · 09/05/2023 22:29

He cancelled your holiday....suggest you cancel him...permanently. This isnt a nice partner to have.

Solonge · 09/05/2023 22:32

thisismyworld · 09/05/2023 21:30

I would have cancelled it aswel, I thinks it's a sensible idea to cancel when you have no income. Rebook when you're working.
Also why isn't he allowed to go on lads holiday if he can afford to go? Doesnt mean he's not interested in your relationship.
Just rebook when you start your job and start earning

And you think this is how a supportive partner behaves? really?

spirit20 · 09/05/2023 22:33

I think it sounds like he feels you're taking advantage of him and he isn't willing to pay for your holiday. Especially if you haven't been earning for a year, it's easy to see why he might feel you're taking the pxxs a bit.

You also really seem to have an issue with him going away with his friends. If he had already booked this, then he's entitled to do that, why should be cancel plans he'd already made to suit you. You seem to feel he should be spending his money on you rather than seeing them, which also does come across as a bit controlling.

GreenSunfish · 09/05/2023 22:49

I would leave. I’m all for paying my fair share but there has to be a bit of give and take. I couldn’t put up with a business transaction relationship.

JennyJenny8675309 · 09/05/2023 22:52

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:37

What an unfortunate choice of username…

Show quote history

Exactly. 🤣