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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my boyfriend to pay for our holiday?

163 replies

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:15

Boyfriend and I live together and generally split the bills for everything. This is despite him working and earning about £60k and for the last year me earning £0. I’ve been finishing a professional qualification that has eaten up ALL my savings and money (minus a bit of a deposit). But it does mean that come July my salary at work will go up a lot (to over £60k).

We have a holiday in the sun booked abroad. I paid for the flights for both of us (£400) and was going to deduct that from the hotel that we’d split. But I’m now the most skint I have ever been and was looking forward to this holiday before I start work. And I don’t have the cash to pay for the hotel or food when we’re there. I’ve suggested we book a cheapo hotel and self cater. And or that my boyfriend can pay for the holiday now, and once I start work I can pay him back over a month or two.

But he just wants to cancel it completely. Especially since he’s booked to “go away with the lads” too, he’s not interested in our trip.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2023 20:07

But she hasn't said he can afford to sub her either. Even if she pays him back he may not be able to afford it with his other commitments now, you are all basing it because he has a holiday booked with the lads and he is choosing to still go on that. But if he has based his funds for the lads holiday on what his share of the cost of a holiday with the OP was originally going to cost him he won't have any spare at the moment. When the OP is back at work they will be able to do the holiday they want to now , its just a case of waiting a couple more months

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 09/05/2023 20:11

Has he supported you for the past year?
Why would you book a holiday that you can’t afford? Why not wait until you get paid?

You are being a cock lodger!

Hayliebells · 09/05/2023 20:19

He sounds really mean! You've offered to pay him back, so I don't really get what his problem is. Lots of partners would be more supportive, and cover the cost without hesitation, if financially they're doing OK. This doesn't bode well for the future, if there's other times even your finances are unequal. I'd ditch the big meanie!

Mikimoto · 09/05/2023 20:21

Neither of them seems to have suggested "let's scale it down into a romantic Canopy & Stars long weekend instead"?
Turning into a battle of wills?

Sissynova · 09/05/2023 20:22

I would be annoyed if a boyfriend had booked a holiday for us under the agreement it would be 50/50 and at the last minute said they couldn’t afford it and I would need to pay!
And what is the relevance of him going on holiday with his friends?

Twiglets1 · 09/05/2023 20:23

I would put it on a credit card since you know you will soon have a well paid job so will be able to pay it off quickly.
Also, would be tempted to ditch the boyfriend, sounds mean and selfish.

LimeLimeLime · 09/05/2023 20:26

From the OP:

"I’ve suggested we book a cheapo hotel and self cater".

OP, YANBU and I would move on from this relationship fast.

readbooksdrinktea · 09/05/2023 20:27

nosyupnorth · 09/05/2023 17:51

You booked a holiday and now you can't afford it so you're trying to sponge off him on the promise that you'll pay him back with money you said you'd already have and have no guarantee of actually getting.

And he's quite rightly decided wants nothing to do with the finanical promises of somebody who has already proven they can't be trusted.

Quite.

NC523 · 09/05/2023 20:31

Borrow the money to go in a cheap hotel and go by yourself. He owes you £200 so that should help

Fruitygal · 09/05/2023 20:34

Get rid of the boyfriend and enjoy the new job with another boyfriend. See if you can find a friend or family member for the holiday.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/05/2023 20:36

Have people not read the updates?

  • OP isnt a cocklodger, she has been paying half of bills even though earning zero. Lots of partners would actually step up and pay a bit more if they were temporarily earning more

  • OP definitely has a job that is paying 60k, in a few months. Spending a few hundred on a holiday in those circumstances isnt really reckless

*OP hasnt now 'demanded that her boyfriend pay'. She suggested they cut costs and then asked for a loan that sounds fairly small in relation to his earnings

Nothingisblackandwhite · 09/05/2023 20:37

He is selfish twat . Cancel it keep the £400 and have a weekend away yourself .

SheilaWilcox · 09/05/2023 20:39

Are you sometimes a bit rubbish with money and he doesn't think you will pay him back?
Booking a holiday when not working during the cost of living crisis doesn't sound like the best thing to do, although I understand wanting to go away before going back to work because of holiday entitlement etc.
Do you think he was planning to dump you after he holiday and you've just given him an easy out?

Biggestdoormatever · 09/05/2023 20:40

Seriously OP just dump him. Well done on completing your studies. Book yourself some nice solo short breaks and save up some money and time off for a great holiday closer to the end of the year. What a tosser.

CabbagePatchDole · 09/05/2023 20:46

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 09/05/2023 16:36

You booked a holiday whilst your not earning and now your complaining you can’t afford it (because your not earning) and therefore your boyfriend (not husband or fiancé) has to pay for you?
yeah, YABU. Can’t afford it then you don’t go. Simple.

Please look up the difference between you’re and your.

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 09/05/2023 20:46

I imagine he isn't planning on staying together so isn't interested in paying now and you paying him back. He isn't invested in this relationship.

When I was going out with my husband I was doing a masters and was skint, he paid for a few trips away and a holiday abroad, he never asked me to pay him back and he wasn't on 60k. He said it didn't matter when I offered to pay him back once I could.

ShowUs · 09/05/2023 20:49

Sissynova · 09/05/2023 20:22

I would be annoyed if a boyfriend had booked a holiday for us under the agreement it would be 50/50 and at the last minute said they couldn’t afford it and I would need to pay!
And what is the relevance of him going on holiday with his friends?

I agree.

Ilovetea42 · 09/05/2023 20:49

I mean, I think if you live together and you've been paying 50/50 on everything up to now on £0 I think you should have had a conversation about money before this to be honest unless you agreed in advance that he wasn't going to financially support you to do this training and you chose to do it using your savings to live on. In which case I find it odd that you'd book a holiday without first making sure you could pay your way. I actually don't think it's entirely fair to expect your partner to bail you out of that out of the blue. Yes he earns more but does he have that money readily available especially if he's already booked another holiday? Is he worried about leaving himself short in the process and feels a holiday isn't justifiable for that. If I were you and I knew that my job and salary were a sure thing I'd put it on credit or get a small loan and pay it off as soon as you start work. I do think yabu to expect your boyfriend to have hundreds of pounds sitting there to bail you out at short notice when you haven't been planning ahead in terms of your finances. I also think if you're changing the nature of your holiday/ the hotel you're going to stay in/ the type of catering etc, that he is entitled to change his mind and decide he'd rather do the holiday you had originally planned when you can both afford it. Obviously it would be nicer if he said yes of course I'll be and we'll do it cheap, but it's his money so he is allowed to say no as would you be if it was reversed. Is he more cautious with money in general? I think you need to sit down and have a chat with him and try to understand his pov and why he's come to that position because it might not be anything to do with not being interested in going away with you. Maybe he just wants to spend his money doing it the way he would want to go on holiday which isn't really a reflection on you?

Mirabai · 09/05/2023 20:50

Tell him to go fuck his friends on holiday and kill 2 birds with one stone.

BeverlyHa · 09/05/2023 20:53

Find a man who will pay all your bills, and that is that.

Deathbyfluffy · 09/05/2023 20:55

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:37

What an unfortunate choice of username…

Show quote history

Ah, so this is one of those threads where everyone has to agree or you’ll pull up irrelevant parts of their post?
Gotcha!

grumpycow1 · 09/05/2023 20:56

Yeah he doesn’t sound that in to you if he is turning down a trip away that you will pay him back for (and you already covered flights). Sorry OP, he can get in the bin. Take a friend instead.

grumpycow1 · 09/05/2023 20:58

Deathbyfluffy · 09/05/2023 20:55

Ah, so this is one of those threads where everyone has to agree or you’ll pull up irrelevant parts of their post?
Gotcha!

Show quote history

Nope, she was just highlighting the irony of the username vs. the below-par English of the comment. It was funny (if you’re a pedant, like I am)

5128gap · 09/05/2023 21:00

If you're going to be earning £60k, so £4k or so for your first month's salary, why would you need to pay him back 'over a couple of months' and not immediately you start earning as a lump sum? You might have done better promising that than the vaguer sounding installment offer.
I do agree though, he's jumped at the excuse to bin you off for a lads trip.

ChubbyMorticia · 09/05/2023 21:00

If you can’t afford a holiday, then you should cancel. I really don’t understand why you’d expect him to cover it. A vacation isn’t a priority, imo, it’s a luxury, and the first thing to go when finances are tight.