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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my boyfriend to pay for our holiday?

163 replies

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:15

Boyfriend and I live together and generally split the bills for everything. This is despite him working and earning about £60k and for the last year me earning £0. I’ve been finishing a professional qualification that has eaten up ALL my savings and money (minus a bit of a deposit). But it does mean that come July my salary at work will go up a lot (to over £60k).

We have a holiday in the sun booked abroad. I paid for the flights for both of us (£400) and was going to deduct that from the hotel that we’d split. But I’m now the most skint I have ever been and was looking forward to this holiday before I start work. And I don’t have the cash to pay for the hotel or food when we’re there. I’ve suggested we book a cheapo hotel and self cater. And or that my boyfriend can pay for the holiday now, and once I start work I can pay him back over a month or two.

But he just wants to cancel it completely. Especially since he’s booked to “go away with the lads” too, he’s not interested in our trip.

OP posts:

Firstmonthfree · 09/05/2023 17:13

Do you already have the job in July lined up or is that when you qualify and from then your earning potential will be £60k?

if he is risk adverse it might be that he was happy to do this when you could afford it, but now sees you can’t afford it right now and worries that you also won’t be able to afford to pay him back in a few months time.

he could just be a tight wotsit

Shinyandnew1 · 09/05/2023 17:15

Missing the point here-but can I ask what you have trained in that gets a £60k a year job?!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/05/2023 17:16

Hmm yeah he should be wanting to holiday with you rather than his mates, but I guess he made plans to go with his mates on the understanding you were paying half of your holiday. So him then having to find your holiday costs may mean he can't afford the other one. I can understand him being a bit pissed off about this. How likely is it he would be having another lads holiday anytime soon, compared to how likely is it before the two of you will be able to holiday together?

ChopperC110P · 09/05/2023 17:18

Sounds like you can’t afford the holiday this year. 🤷‍♀️

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 17:18

Not enough information to judge really.

Why is it that your income has been zero? I know you said that you've been studying but could you not have worked part time alongside that? How have you been paying your share of the bills?

Also, if the agreement was to split the holiday costs 50/50, then when was it actually booked and why did you agree to it? Did you not realise that you wouldn't have the money, and if not, was that because of poor budgeting on your part or unexpected essential expenditure that you hadn't factored in?

It is a shame that he doesn't seem generous enough to cover your share, but I guess we don't know what his financial position is, what his commitments are etc. Or his take on why you are no longer able to afford the share that you had originally agreed to pay.

Either way, it doesn't sound like it's necessarily a relationship that is going to endure. You now think he is stingy and lacking in commitment to the relationship. He quite possibly thinks you're grabby and entitled. Maybe better to go your separate ways before getting further entangled in each other's lives? Or if you are going to stay together, you need to have some serious conversations going forward about how you are going to organise your finances between you.

Batalax · 09/05/2023 17:18

Well if your relationship survives this, you are going to be better off in the future than him. At least you won’t have to share your extra money.

Dont expect him to help with maternity costs if you ever have children. He’s shown you who he is.

I think this relationship is dead in the water. Sorry.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/05/2023 17:20

Depends if he has financially supported you and doesn’t want to pay for a holiday too?

Cheesepleasemrclease · 09/05/2023 17:21

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:39

Yes we had agreed how to pay for it, equal split. However with the cost of living etc my finances didn’t stretch as far as I could.

I already have a job lined up.

You’re incredibly unreasonable

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/05/2023 17:28

Well that is a good point about his budgeting. He will also have been impacted by the cost of living and perhaps the budget for his lad's holiday was based on you paying for you half of the holiday costs.

The wider issue is he decided to choose his lad's holiday over a holiday with you.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/05/2023 17:31

Yes we had agreed how to pay for it, equal split. However with the cost of living etc my finances didn’t stretch as far as I could.

Hmmm, so it’s you going back on what was agreed. I can see his point and why he’s thinking it’ll be easier to cancel.

cakewench · 09/05/2023 17:34

YANBU. He's got his lads holiday and clearly hasn't been looking forward to one with you as much as you have. Your proposal to pay him back was more than reasonable.

Honestly it's good you've found out what he's like now. It's up to you if this is what you want your life to be like, because while you will hopefully be a higher earner in your new job, life isn't always 50/50 (especially in maternity) and he's already balking at the idea of being out of pocket to you for a month or two for a trip he would also be benefiting from.

Just something to think about.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 17:35

The wider issue is he decided to choose his lad's holiday over a holiday with you

He has already booked the holiday with his friends. Why should he have to let them down because the OP isn't able to pay her share as per the original agreement? Would he be expecting his friends to cancel as well? Or pay more to cover his share?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 17:37

I can't help but wonder if the responses would have been different if a man had suddenly decided that he couldn't pay what he had originally agreed to pay and expected his girlfriend to cover the cost for him...

Cheesepleasemrclease · 09/05/2023 17:39

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 17:37

Of course they would

he’d be a cocklodger

Simonjt · 09/05/2023 17:42

What agreement did you both come to when you decided to quit your job.

If I’d agreed to go halves on a holiday with someone I would expect them to stick to the agreement, I would however say booking a holiday while unemployed and short of cash was a disaster waiting to happen.

Pallisers · 09/05/2023 17:43

He's just not that into you. Sorry.

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/05/2023 17:43

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I mean the wider issue for their relationship really - of course the poor man should have his holiday with his friends.

I agree as the OP had originally agreed with him that she could cover her year of studing using savings, so he has planned large expenses like holidays on that basis. That said I think it is odd he has rejected her suggestions of ways to make it more affordable.

TBH I think the best option is to may be suggest rearranging the holiday for a time when you are both earning.

LolaSmiles · 09/05/2023 17:44

He agreed a holiday with the OP with one set of expectations but when OP's money has run out he's being expected to cover her holiday costs.

Even on full time courses students are allowed to work part time and when the cost of living started to bite (which will effect both of them, not just OP) the OP has chosen not to look for some work to bring in some income.

It seems from this situation that relationship is unlikely to last because they're on different pages financially.

Dweetfidilove · 09/05/2023 17:47

Bin!

To think you share a home and he's so unsupportive, he couldn't even pay with the offer of being reimbursed😶.

I bet he won't be telling you to keep all the extras your higher salary will afford later this year.

Ditch him before then.

nosyupnorth · 09/05/2023 17:51

You booked a holiday and now you can't afford it so you're trying to sponge off him on the promise that you'll pay him back with money you said you'd already have and have no guarantee of actually getting.

And he's quite rightly decided wants nothing to do with the finanical promises of somebody who has already proven they can't be trusted.

nutbrownhare15 · 09/05/2023 17:52

I can't imagine my DH not wanting to go on holiday with me. In this scenario in the early stages of the relationship we would have arranged a lower budget trip and I would have agreed to pay him back. I feel like he showing you his priority isn't you OP.

PoseyFlump · 09/05/2023 17:55

once I start work I can pay him back over a month or two.

In a normal loving relationship this would be the common sense answer. If you live together then it's weird not to support your partner in this way. You deserve a holiday and can well afford it when you'll soon be on 60k. He's using it as an excuse and being a bastard.

Killingmytime · 09/05/2023 18:00

Maybe the bf doesn’t have the money now?
if this was the other way round the replies would be soooo different.
sorry op, you changed the goal posts!
its unfair to say he could pay and you’ll pay him back, maybe he just doesn't have the money knocking around!
also it’s not definite that the job is yours.

Effieswig · 09/05/2023 18:03

Do you definitely have a job? You talk about how your salary at work will go up in July. But also that you have been earning zero.

Are you with an employer now that isn’t paying you/you have leave of absence (or something similar) and it’s iron clad that will go from paying your zero to over 60k in July?