Page 6 | To expect my boyfriend to pay for our holiday?

popowowo · 2023-05-09T15:15:43+00:00

Boyfriend and I live together and generally split the bills for everything. This is despite him working and earning about £60k and for the last year me earning £0. I’ve been finishing a professional qualification that has eaten up ALL my savings and money (minus a bit of a deposit). But it does mean that come July my salary at work will go up a lot (to over £60k). We have a holiday in the sun booked abroad. I paid for the flights for both of us (£400) and was going to deduct that from the hotel that we’d split. But I’m now the most skint I have ever been and was looking forward to this holiday before I start work. And I don’t have the cash to pay for the hotel or food when we’re there. I’ve suggested we book a cheapo hotel and self cater. And or that my boyfriend can pay for the holiday now, and once I start work I can pay him back over a month or two. But he just wants to cancel it completely. Especially since he’s booked to “go away with the lads” too, he’s not interested in our trip.

ShowUs · 09/05/2023 23:05

grumpycow1 · 09/05/2023 20:58

Nope, she was just highlighting the irony of the username vs. the below-par English of the comment. It was funny (if you’re a pedant, like I am)

Show quote history

Some people are just rude and enjoy taking the piss out of someone who isn’t as perfect as they think they are.

There are plenty of people on here who are dyslexic, have vision issues, have reduced mobility in their fingers, don’t have English as their first language, have a phone that autocorrects or just don’t have as high of an education as the majority on here.

I don’t know which of these things people think is a good reason to laugh at someone.

Viviennemary · 09/05/2023 23:18

You shouldnt have booked a holiday if you had zero money to pay for it. You should have checked with him first. I agree he is probably fed up of you having no money.

LuluBlakey1 · 09/05/2023 23:39

It's his choice as to whether he is prepared to pay upfront until you can pay him back once your job starts. That he isn't, says to me that he does not want to go on holiday with you and this has given him an excuse to get out of it. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him.

itsrainin · 09/05/2023 23:56

Honestly?

it sounds financially sensible for you not to go on a holiday that you can’t afford. His income doesn’t mean he has to fund the holiday especially as he’s currently the single earner in the household and possibly feels stretched? You’ll earn similar soon and that will boost your household’s ability to fund fun things like this as you’ll both have more expendable income to play with. Therefore better to have a holiday at that stage.

mellicauli · 10/05/2023 00:10

Assuming you had a guaranteed job from July where you are going to be earning £60K PA+ from July, I would just get a 0% card and put it on there. I'm sure you'll be working so hard at your new job, you'll be glad you went away.

You either have the time or you have the money. You'll never have both. So you've just got to make it happen somehow.

LadyGAgain · 10/05/2023 00:14

Responder 1 gave you all the info you needed. He's out.

Mortimercat · 10/05/2023 04:25

popowowo · 09/05/2023 16:39

Yes we had agreed how to pay for it, equal split. However with the cost of living etc my finances didn’t stretch as far as I could.

I already have a job lined up.

Well then I don’t see why he should have to pay for you. I would never have expected a boyfriend to find my holiday. I also think if I had deliberately reduced my income to zero I would not have booked a holiday at all or I would have at the very least ring fenced funds to pay for it.

I think you are a CF and if a boyfriend of mine expected me to pay for his holiday, I’d be thinking of cancelling too. In fact if you had posted that your boyfriend deliberately reduced their income to zero and then expected you to pay for his holiday the chores of ltb would be resounding.

Mortimercat · 10/05/2023 04:26

*fund

AlienSupaStar · 10/05/2023 05:05

@popowowo

I am not adverse to couples subbing each other - has definitely been the case at various times in my marriage.

However there is something really entitled about the way you come across (I appreciate it’s a snippet).

You say you have been earning £0. You seem quite self important about this 60k job that has not yet actually materialised- he has been subbing you a lot no doubt. I wonder if it’s a lack of humility on your part that has pissed him off. COL crisis is affecting everyone including him and it is you that miscalculated and changed the game plan - not him. Also this is all over a holiday that is in actuality a discretionary/luxury expense.

Not sure. Maybe some self review on your part will help?

GoodChat · 10/05/2023 05:10

How long have you been together and was you doing this course taken into account when you moved in together?

thisismyworld · 10/05/2023 06:25

Solonge- I've been married 20 years im in a very happy relationship and yes I still agree cancelling is the best idea. Why should he sub her when she's admitted she's still not got a job that's paying. How long is he expected to pay for everything? If this was the other way round people would be telling her to cancel, works both ways

thisismyworld · 10/05/2023 06:28

LuluBlakey1 · 09/05/2023 23:39

It's his choice as to whether he is prepared to pay upfront until you can pay him back once your job starts. That he isn't, says to me that he does not want to go on holiday with you and this has given him an excuse to get out of it. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him.

On the other hand I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who expects me to pay everything and they are earning £0. When he says no to something is she going to strop again!!! He's lucky he's realised and I'd be encouraging him to get out before she take the piss more

PoseyFlump · 10/05/2023 07:04

Booklover40 · 09/05/2023 20:02

My ds doesn’t earn much at the moment and his gf is studying for her masters and does some bar work. He’s just told me he’s paying for them to go to Italy for the weekend. He loves her to bits and wanted to do something nice for her.

When I met dh I was a low earner and he was earning £££. After only being together a few months he paid for us to go on a lovely holiday, he knew it was something I could never afford. He told me on that holiday that he was in love with me and wanted us to move in together.

A partner who loves you will support you during difficult times and do nice things, and yes pay for things, just because they can and you can’t and it would be an act of their love for you.

I would seriously question your future with this man, he only seems bothered about himself and the fact he isn’t arsed about going on holiday with you and is prioritising “the lads” speaks volumes.

Exactly this @Booklover40 Some of the replies on here are shocking. Do we really live in a world where all relationships have to be 50/50 financially? The OP has been studying to better herself ffs. Most loving partners would celebrate this and pay for the holiday as a gift. He's on 60k! I've always earned more and paid more bills without a thought. It's so sad people see relationships like a business transaction.

Mortimercat · 10/05/2023 07:14

PoseyFlump · 10/05/2023 07:04

Exactly this @Booklover40 Some of the replies on here are shocking. Do we really live in a world where all relationships have to be 50/50 financially? The OP has been studying to better herself ffs. Most loving partners would celebrate this and pay for the holiday as a gift. He's on 60k! I've always earned more and paid more bills without a thought. It's so sad people see relationships like a business transaction.

Show quote history

I took a year off a few years ago and took a professional qualification. My husband supported me, but he was a husband of twenty years, not a boyfriend. And there is no way I would ever pretend that me talking a year off work to go and study was a sacrifice, I was indulging myself, it was a luxury.

If OP’s boyfriend wanted to pay for her holiday then that is very nice, fair enough, but he doesn’t want to and so to the AIBU, yes OP is definitely being unreasonable to expect it.

I have personally made a far larger financial contribution to our living costs than my husband has over the years and it doesn’t bother me in the least, we both consider our money to be absolutely joint even though it is not in the, slightest 50:50.

But I have never had a mere boyfriend that expected me to pay for his holidays because he decided to take time off work to study. A boyfriend that expected this would be a red flag to me.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/05/2023 07:30

PoseyFlump · 10/05/2023 07:04

Exactly this @Booklover40 Some of the replies on here are shocking. Do we really live in a world where all relationships have to be 50/50 financially? The OP has been studying to better herself ffs. Most loving partners would celebrate this and pay for the holiday as a gift. He's on 60k! I've always earned more and paid more bills without a thought. It's so sad people see relationships like a business transaction.

Show quote history

That's not what people are saying, though.

I have already said that I have paid for lots of holidays for my DH. And lots of other stuff as well. I don't resent that in the slightest... it's a choice I'm happy to make.

The issue here is not that there is an imbalance but rather that the OP has moved the goalposts. They agreed to split the costs when they booked the holiday, and then the OP suddenly ran out of funds.

She hasn't told us why she suddenly ran out of money, other than a vague reference to the cost of living crisis meaning that her money wouldn't stretch as far as she thought it would. But the CoL crisis has been going on for a long time now, so it seems unlikely that they booked the holiday before that was even a known factor.

So we just don't know. Has the OP been hit by unexpected essential expenditure that she couldn't possibly have foreseen? Or has she simply spent her holiday fund on other non-essential items with the expectation that her boyfriend will stump up the cash for the holiday if she runs out? Perhaps he feels that she has budgeted poorly and so he doesn’t feel comfortable lending her money? Perhaps he feels that she would have prioritised saving for the holiday more if she was really invested in the relationship? Perhaps he's a tight git, or perhaps the OP has form for this kind of thing.

The fact is, none of us know the back story, and the OP hasn't provided that much detail. I will therefore reserve judgement for now.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/05/2023 07:44

Mortimercat · 10/05/2023 07:14

I took a year off a few years ago and took a professional qualification. My husband supported me, but he was a husband of twenty years, not a boyfriend. And there is no way I would ever pretend that me talking a year off work to go and study was a sacrifice, I was indulging myself, it was a luxury.

If OP’s boyfriend wanted to pay for her holiday then that is very nice, fair enough, but he doesn’t want to and so to the AIBU, yes OP is definitely being unreasonable to expect it.

I have personally made a far larger financial contribution to our living costs than my husband has over the years and it doesn’t bother me in the least, we both consider our money to be absolutely joint even though it is not in the, slightest 50:50.

But I have never had a mere boyfriend that expected me to pay for his holidays because he decided to take time off work to study. A boyfriend that expected this would be a red flag to me.

Show quote history

I agree-it’s very different if you’re married and been together for years AND the other person was in full agreement about what they were being expected to pay for beforehand.

If the OP were to come back, it would be v useful to clarify…

-how long they’ve been together
-how the rent/bills/mortgage etc have been split over the last year.
-what the training is that allows you to earn £60k after a year (this is just so I can go and do it!).

PoseyFlump · 10/05/2023 07:57

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Tosh! The OP has given him choices to cancel and go self catering. He's only interested in his lads holiday. This has nothing to do with money. A loving relationship could easily weather this. He's found an excuse and he's running with it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/05/2023 08:14

PoseyFlump · 10/05/2023 07:57

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Tosh! The OP has given him choices to cancel and go self catering. He's only interested in his lads holiday. This has nothing to do with money. A loving relationship could easily weather this. He's found an excuse and he's running with it.

Well, it might be tosh but we don't know because the OP hasn't given us enough detail.

Yes, she offered him the option of cancelling and going on a cheap self catering holiday instead, but that isn't the holiday that they had originally agreed and booked, and we still don't know why she wasn't able to stick to her end of the bargain. Perhaps, like many people, the boyfriend hates self catered holidays and would rather stay at home? In any case, why didn't they book a cheap holiday in the first place if money was so tight?

As for only being interested in the lads' holiday, this was already booked before the OP reneged on the deal. Why shouldn't he honour the commitment that he has made to his friends?

EsmeShelby · 10/05/2023 08:16

He's not invested in your relationship. Go by yourself self catering. Leave him. You cannot have children with this man.

Poopoolittlekitten · 10/05/2023 08:17

I'd be managing myself out of this relationship - he just not that into you...

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/05/2023 08:17

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/05/2023 07:30

That's not what people are saying, though.

I have already said that I have paid for lots of holidays for my DH. And lots of other stuff as well. I don't resent that in the slightest... it's a choice I'm happy to make.

The issue here is not that there is an imbalance but rather that the OP has moved the goalposts. They agreed to split the costs when they booked the holiday, and then the OP suddenly ran out of funds.

She hasn't told us why she suddenly ran out of money, other than a vague reference to the cost of living crisis meaning that her money wouldn't stretch as far as she thought it would. But the CoL crisis has been going on for a long time now, so it seems unlikely that they booked the holiday before that was even a known factor.

So we just don't know. Has the OP been hit by unexpected essential expenditure that she couldn't possibly have foreseen? Or has she simply spent her holiday fund on other non-essential items with the expectation that her boyfriend will stump up the cash for the holiday if she runs out? Perhaps he feels that she has budgeted poorly and so he doesn’t feel comfortable lending her money? Perhaps he feels that she would have prioritised saving for the holiday more if she was really invested in the relationship? Perhaps he's a tight git, or perhaps the OP has form for this kind of thing.

The fact is, none of us know the back story, and the OP hasn't provided that much detail. I will therefore reserve judgement for now.

Show quote history

Wow, what a sad world we live in where people are so inflexible in what is supposed to be a loving partnership and can't bend when things may change.

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/05/2023 08:18

Pussycatbeen · 09/05/2023 22:18

If it were my partner who'd worked hard studying at great cost, I'd pay for the whole holiday for them (assuming I could afford it). I'd think it pretty mean to want to be paid back the money.

So although obviously OP's boyfriend is in no way obliged to lend the money, I'd be hurt. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who cancelled the holiday rather than lend me the money.

Totally agree with this.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/05/2023 08:19

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/05/2023 08:17

Wow, what a sad world we live in where people are so inflexible in what is supposed to be a loving partnership and can't bend when things may change.

Show quote history

Again, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that we don't know why he doesn't want to bend in this instance.

ButterCrackers · 10/05/2023 08:19

Obvious solution is that he pays and you pay him back or even that he treats you to the holiday. As he wants to cancel because you can’t pay your half I’d say go on holiday by yourself. Enjoy the rest and relaxation. Stay within your means. You could go on holiday once you’re earning instead. Think through your relationship too as he sounds mean.

Persiana · 10/05/2023 08:19

Take a friend or family member on the flights if you can afford something super budget out there, otherwise accept it's a sunk cost. But definitely move on, soon you'll be in your own 60k job. You don't need him. If he loved you and you were a true partnership with a future, of course he'd pay the hotel bit! I'm astounded women end up with men like this. How can he have said that to you and you not say, ok so that's the end of this 'relationship' then?