To be exasperated at fussy/picky eaters?

[Iloveabaconbutty]

Am I being unreasonable to be exasperated at "fussy eaters"? I was brought up to eat everything on my plate although as a concession my mum and dad said we were "allowed" not to like one thing - for me as a kid it was cheese I wasn't keen on (which as an adult I've actually grown to love). I also remember my mum's slight irritation - expressed lightheatedly and privately later on - at the schoolfriend who came to tea who didn't like this, didn't like that, was picky about the other, etc. and basically left everything she had prepared on his plate.

I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable.

Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat - bananas, baked beans, tomatoes, porridge, just for starters. There are a lot more things as well, with particularly strong tastes or particular textures. She's also very hesitant to try anything new or different and dislikes coffee and wine. Her boyfriend is the same which makes meal planning a bit of a challenge when he comes to stay.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I realise that my parents were brought up in the post-war years, with rationing etc and to be a "fuss-pot" about food wouldn't have been appreciated. We were brought up like this too - and to the extent that I now appreciate a wide variety of food I'm very grateful. But is this so straightforward for some people?

You really, genuinely can't understand someone not liking the taste or texture of a certain food?
It's not noble or admirable to just shovel any old crap into your mouth and feel superior about it.

YANBU to find it wearing to have to cater to various others food needs. I have one pescatarian child and a veggie husband. That child will eat loads of veg but doesn’t like them in stews/sauces and isn’t keen on very spicy stuff. Other child also prefers blander stuff but over time comes up with more veg she doesn’t like (this seems to increase as she spends time with her pickier friends, which is also annoying). It’s hard to find a single veggie meal that everyone will eat and often when I can no one actually actively likes it. I try and make things like wraps/rice bowl with a selection of filings, pasta with a selection of sauces or roast dinner veg/salads and jacket potato with option of meat/fish/something veggie. It’s a lot more work and it’s more expensive so yes it irritates me and it can be exasperating. I don’t even think any of them are considered that picky either and it’s still a pain.

I eat most things but have a strong aversion to parsnips and liquorice. If I try something liquorice flavoured it will make me vomit.

I was pretty fussy as a kid even though the choices were generally take it or leave it. I was also anorexic for about 6 years. Now I feel I'm not really fussy at all....but if I read a recipe book there's often one aspect of something I won't like and went in pret one day and almost every sandwich had something I don't like in it (eg, mustard, pickle, gherkin etc) .....so maybe I am!!

I feel that I have more sensitive taste buds than DH. He'll buy me a pizza with olives on it (knowing I don't like them) and say I can pick them off but I can still taste the oil/residue of where they were.

My DD is extremely fussy and has been since I weaned her. She was pfb and I did all the purees and ice cube trays of veg etc, anabel karmel etc and she just wouldn't eat it. At one point she seemed to live off petite filous and breadsticks. She's 16 now and barely eats any vegetables, rice, salad, any spices etc but I've got used to it. If I cook fajitas for example I'll cook some plain chicken for her, if I cook a spag bol she'll still pick out all the vegetables. If she goes out with friends she'll go along with whatever restaurant they want and we'll look at the menu at home beforehand to find the plainest things that she might eat.

100% this. I know a few fussy eaters who fall into group two. For me, the frustration lies in the "I'm not going to even try," attitude, which in turn means you either have to be the one to compromise, all the time, or you limit your interactions with them, because going somewhere new or with a more extensive menu is just not going to happen.

Imagine if that was your reaction to most food? That's what ARFID is like.

I can imagine that extreme fussiness can be annoying - I had a friend in my teens/early twenties who literally wouldn't eat anything other than chips, bread and meat and it did get irritating (she also looked SO pale and unhealthy!). But I don't see an issue with just not liking some things. I don't like cooked or dried fruit, my husband hates mushrooms, carrots and peas - these can all be worked around (although I miss mushrooms in curries and chilli etc!).

I really don't see how your adult daughter not liking porridge, baked beans, coffee or wine etc impacts on you? If you're all having beans on toast for breakfast can she not just make herself plain buttered toast or egg on toast instead, for example??

Here’s my opinion on this topic…If you want to be a fussy eater for whatever the reason, have at …on your own time. Of course we all have preferences and foods we dislike (beets, I’m looking at you 😒) That being said, I find it unbelievably rude to be fussy when someone is serving you.

Just take a few of whatever, pick out whatever, or pass along whatever without making a big deal about it. Don’t turn your nose up, complain, or martyr yourself at whatever is being provided.

I’m convinced that hands would come up from the grave to slap me upside the head if I didn’t take a token portion of everything being served to me when I’m a guest of somebody. Yes, I will judge (global) you for not doing the same.

You let your own dd go hungry for 5 years?! That is horrific, that poor little girl.

I don't care how 'well' she eats now, you traumatised your own child.

I'll let my picky toddler eat what they want, cook separate meals or whatever as long as they eat. What we're having is offered but I'd never let a small child go hungry for my own selfishness.

I was a very fussy eater as a child. My mum and dad were both raised in 'must clear your plate' households but never made a big deal about it with me, giving me food I would eat, and excusing me from school dinners in primary school (where I wasn't eating anything) so I could take packed lunches. I naturally grew out of it and now eat absolutely anything (although there are a few things I avoid where possible due to them causing me awful indigestion). My mum, on the other hand, avoids a wide range of vegetables she doesn't like. In short, I think how you are raised has very little to do with how fussy you are as an adult. Some people are more sensitive to tastes and textures and no amount of making them eat things as a child will change that.

“When they say, 'I don't like x' they don't mean, 'I actively dislike x', they just mean, 'x isn't my favourite'.”

This was literally DD. I told her numerous times I wasn’t interested in whether her dinner was ‘her favourite’ (that would be nuggets and chips) just whether it was okay. If she hated something in it, fine, I’d adjust it or even not do it again.

We also taught her at a reasonable age that if she wanted restaurant food with ingredients omitted, she could order it that way - so at an age where waiting staff would ask her for her order, not as a small child when they’d ask us.

She’s now a young adult with decided and limited eating habits, but who can ask for what she wants (and doesn’t want), and be gracious about it. She also has a pretty small appetite so unlike me doesn’t go into a terminal decline if she has to miss a meal if she doesn’t like what’s on offer!

To be clear I know this is very different to people with serious issues with food - she’s just someone who isn’t keen on a lot of stuff, who could have grown into a seriously annoying adult without a bit of a steer on how to express that, and how to live with it.

Im autistic and food is the most stressful thing for me. I was admitted to hospital when young because my parents kept messing around with my food so I stopped eating.
I eat loads more now! For years it was plain bread only, no butter. Now I can do pizza, pasta with sauce, risotto, baked veggies, halloumi, rice, couscous amongst other things but I also have to present a new food alongside a safe food. I genuinely would’ve rather died than eaten something with an awful texture. For example soup and curry I will never eat

Yes YABU, it’s not just about taste, it’s also about texture, I can not and will not ever eat fish, it’s makes my skin crawl!

Some people have genuine conditions that limit what they eat and some people have fears surrounding food.

In some cases it can be really severe and may cause serious health issues but that person still isn’t able to eat something they dislike just because it’s healthy even if they need to, it’s a very complex issue for some people.

I eat a fair amount, wide ranging variety of food. Love fish and seafood, which I know a lot of people dislike, but there are certain textures of some food that make me want to throw up.

I'm not allergic or anything like that, but porridge is one of them. I also cannot eat custard, again, the texture makes me heave. They other one is mashed potato. I can eat it if it's lumpy, but smooth, lump free mash, really makes me sick.

YABU to be exasperated. Other people's food choices do not have to affect you. If you want to spend time with someone whose food choices aren't compatible with yours, you make plans that don't involve food, or which have food arrangements where each person shifts for themselves. You don't have to invite anyone to your house that you aren't willing to cater for and you don't have to be responsible for the nutrition of anyone who isn't under your direct care.

My teen has autism, heightened sensory perceptions of tiny variations in taste and texture that make it very easy to get a meal "wrong" so that it won't get eaten, and has poor introception (can't always perceive for themselves if they are cold/hot/tired/hungry/thirsty) so will simply not eat if the food available isn't OK. Hunger eventually manifests as anger, upset and a total inability to cope with anything at all, even eating, so making sure that acceptable foods are available is non-negotiable. They are learning how to manage this for themselves as they progress through teenage years.

The "exasperation" of those who hear me negotiating trying to get an acceptable amount of nutrition sorted when we are in unfamiliar circumstances e.g. at a wider family event like a wedding, is really ignorant and disablist.

I’m a fussy eater the rest of my family are not and neither is my son, it’s not upbringing it’s just my tastebuds.

I’d like to like more foods, life would actually be much easier if I did, I could pick up a sandwich or a salad easily to eat for example which isn’t easy currently.

The fact of the matter is I just don’t and yes I have tried things lots of times it’s made no difference to my likes and dislikes either. My parents also did the “eat this or starve” to try and get me to eat other foods and I just didn’t eat. I’m a grown adult and I’m not going to eat things I don’t like and make myself gag or be physically sick on the back of it to please judgemental others. I had enough of that as a child.

Also all people’s judgment has done is given me anxiety going out to eat or being offered food at people’s houses because I feel rude and awkward having to explain that I simply don’t like things.

Imagine how it is to live your life being worried about something you need to stay alive and then perhaps you won’t be so judgmental.

If the only thing that stops people from being a ‘bore’ to you is what they’re eating then it sounds like the dinner table chat may be what’s lacking.

It's really not all about "not giving in" or poor parenting. My parents attitude was take it or leave it, I was still fussy. My DD is fussy, DS isn't. They have the same parents!

Sounds like serious workplace bullying to be fair. I’d be complaining about him again and again.

My son has SEN and the list of food he will eat gets smaller every day. We have tried offering a large variety of food in different combinations but he only likes certain foods in specific brands and simply will not eat anything else. Its hard as myself and my husband love trying new recipes but he just does not like most foods. He is actually very open to taste different foods but will gag, retch and vomit if he does not like them.

I can understand both sides of this. I too was brought up to just eat whatever you were given

DD will eat/try most things but there are a few things she wont eat - for example bananas and sausages. Very short list like I say and easily managed - she is still given these foods though and will try each time

However DSD will literally fuss over everything she is given and is impossible to feed. It is very much that she just ‘prefers’ to have a different meal. She often refuses to eat at all and unfortunately when feeding a large household I do

As an adult, I make choices - my mother still can't understand that I don't like some things. She would probably call me fussy eat, but I don't care. I'm not going to eat something I don't like to please her.

Having been brought up in that enviroment, I respect my children's food choice is their own. They have never had to sit alone at table till bedtime crying because they don't like cabbage and being made to eat it, even though they it made them sick.

hit post too quickly!!

I do have to try to manage all likes and dislikes and ensure that every person in the household at least gets their ‘favourite’ meal in turn. It can’t just be dictated by one/two people in the household

I think that some people have genuine, unavoidable and inescapable issues with certain textures or flavours.

I also think that all/most kids go through a 'I don't like that' phase at some stage as part of learning to control their environment, and if that stage became too well embedded then it causes 'fussiness' which can be socially difficult in later life.
And there is a difference between the two.

I also think that sometimes we are so determined that our child's friends enjoy their visit that we overthink.

I was one of 4 children and once it went on our plate it went into our tummy, but things left untouched in the middle of the table went back into the pantry for another day. An enduring memory from my childhood was visiting a friend for tea and being given a huge tall glass of instant whip type strawberry pudding. There was no way on Gods green earth I was going to be able to eat it, so rather than picking at it I politely (or so I thought) thanked the Mum and said I was too full for pudding. In my house it would have gone into the fridge for another child or for later as it was untouched. She was furious, 'it's angel delight!!! It's lovely!!! What's the matter with you?? ' until I burst into tears and asked if my friend couldn't have it later instead. She stood over me until I tried it. Then after I'd had 2 spoons she snatched it away and scooped it down the sink muttering. As an adult I could probably force it down: not my favourite thing and not something I'd choose but I wouldn't cause offence to a host. As a child I used what I was taught at home: don't start it and let it go to waste. Over 50 years later I can't remember that girl's name but I remember every detail of that sundae glass of pink angel delight.

I think that for most adults 'fussiness' comes from never distinguishing between 'not what I'd choose' and 'I really cannot bear this on my plate' during adolescence. Interestingly a lot of those patterns can be changed if a new partner is understanding but keeps pushing boundaries a little, which is how some people manage to get past it.

My daughter (11) suffers with emataphobia, she’s pretty good and will try anything but some things make her physically gag. Like beans

im 38, there are certain things I cannot eat due to texture, it makes me violently Ill, I’m not on the spectrum or been diagnosed with anything.
the biggest one is dried or cooked fruit, o cannot eat it, last time I bit into a raisin I was I’ll for days! Cannot eat rice pudding or yoghurts with bits in! There’s other things aswell!

id be pissed if someone forced me or my daughter to eat something we didn’t like or couldn’t eat.