To be exasperated at fussy/picky eaters?

[Iloveabaconbutty]

Am I being unreasonable to be exasperated at "fussy eaters"? I was brought up to eat everything on my plate although as a concession my mum and dad said we were "allowed" not to like one thing - for me as a kid it was cheese I wasn't keen on (which as an adult I've actually grown to love). I also remember my mum's slight irritation - expressed lightheatedly and privately later on - at the schoolfriend who came to tea who didn't like this, didn't like that, was picky about the other, etc. and basically left everything she had prepared on his plate.

I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable.

Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat - bananas, baked beans, tomatoes, porridge, just for starters. There are a lot more things as well, with particularly strong tastes or particular textures. She's also very hesitant to try anything new or different and dislikes coffee and wine. Her boyfriend is the same which makes meal planning a bit of a challenge when he comes to stay.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I realise that my parents were brought up in the post-war years, with rationing etc and to be a "fuss-pot" about food wouldn't have been appreciated. We were brought up like this too - and to the extent that I now appreciate a wide variety of food I'm very grateful. But is this so straightforward for some people?

I agree with Sparklfairy
There are two camps I think. Those with genuine taste and texture aversions, and those who think they should just have their favourite foods all the time without exception. When they say, 'I don't like x' they don't mean, 'I actively dislike x', they just mean, 'x isn't my favourite'.

DS is definitely in camp 2. Especially when he was little he would leave whatever he didn't 'love'. I cut out snacks so he was coming to the table hungrier and he became a little more willing to eat his non-favourite food. Now that he's a 6'3" 13yo and still growing he will eat a wider selection of food out of sheer hunger so I'm taking the opportunity to introduce other food that he wouldn't previously eat.

Camp 1 isn't about preference. My dad was born in 1935 so grew up during the war, including evacuation to Wales. I very much doubt he was pandered to as a child but he has always flatly refused to eat mashed potato or cheese.

I’ll eat pretty much anything, these days. I have my preferences and would rather not shovel down loads of something I’m not keen on, but there aren’t many things that fall into that category - I think it’s how well cooked it is rather than what it is that’s important to me. If I don’t love it, I just eat less.

My SIL on the other hand is ridiculously fussy. She won’t eat salad, anything spicy/foreign, soup (all soup!), anything with peppers, the list goes on. I think it’s ignorance on her part really, she can’t cook and so just sticks to the same old things and very rarely ever tried anything else, so now she’s just stuck with it all.

There are still wars around the world. I have a friend who used to be a refuge, guess what her brother was "fuzzy" then too. She says her mother accommodated him by buying or exchanging to food he would eat, or he would eat the sand/ dirt rather than bananas and and a certain bean meal.

They were poor and couldn't buy much banana so that wasn't much of a problem. He is a very strong 6 feet something bus driver now.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

Yes.
Look up ARFID

You are unreasonable to be exasperated when you know that despite all encouragement, some people are just fussy eaters.

As a fussy eater, I find your exasperation rude. I would much prefer to eat a wider variety of foods and blend in more at gatherings. However, I genuinely cannot put something in my mouth if it's a food to which I have an aversion. I'm sorry that would make your dinner party a touch more difficult. Think for a moment about what my every day life is like, knowing I'm putting people to more effort. Knowing that out of an entire restaurant menu, I'll consider myself lucky if there is one thing I can eat most of.

I'm what you would call fussy. And I don't have any conditions that would explain.

I really hate it about myself. I've really tried to eat a wider variety of food and have done really well in some areas but I still struggle in restaurants.

I don't make a fuss, I always find something on the menu and I've never asked anyone to move restaurant or cook me something special. I will ask for my food plain though.

It's actually really embarrassing and if I could eat more, rather than be the 'awkward' one I definitely would. I do try new things but don't find a lot that I like.

Just some thoughts from the other perspective I guess.

This.

On the opposite end of the scale, I was an incredibly fussy child but my parents never made me eat anything I didn't want to. I had separate meals and was never made to finish my plate. Now as an adult, I'll eat pretty much anything!

She's an adult, I don't think her diet really matters to you. Plenty of people have things they don't personally enjoy. It's like getting frustrated that she doesn't enjoy football or wearing dresses or the colour purple

I'm with you, vinegar is rank. And so hard to find pre-made sandwiches without mayo. I can't even bear the smell of vinegar.

I hate the taste of alcohol and coffee too, I once read they might be related?

It's nature as well as nuture, so not always a matter of "trying harder". I'm not fussy. Husband is not fussy. Eldest child ate everything. We smugly thought we'd "got it right" with our shining example. But our youngest is much fussiest. She really struggles with textures and some strong tastes. Even as a toddler she would gag and retch at certain things so it wasn't learnt fussiness. We have persevered with getting her to try new things. Some she's ended up liking, some she can manage if there's no other option and some are definitely still in the gag list and she can't help it. However her best friend is even worse and her parents have never encouraged her to try new stuff. She has such a restricted diet, no fruit or veg. When she comes for a play date I always do chicken nuggets and chips or sausage and chips. Literally nothing else is acceptable. Last time I did chicken burgers on the basis that its just one big nugget but she absolutely recoiled in horror and said she didn't like it (didn't try it). She used to eat pizza but then decided she didn't like that either and her mum said something like "oh we think she is lactose intolerant so avoiding dairy" ... but astonishingly this does not extend to Magnum ice creams which she has daily. The girls are always nagging for play dates but they don't happen as often as they'd like because I've often meal planned for the week and I don't want to have to buy and cook more bloody nuggets and chips! I think what I'm trying to say is if you're fussy fair enough, but it might end up constraining you socially if you can't widen your repertoire even a little bit and you have to accept that.

As has been pointed out, the “in the olden days” argument is bollocks, as the availability of foods and therefore people’s diets were more limited in the post-war years anyway. My own mum was born in in 1944, and has many tales of hiding unwanted food in her pockets to dispose of later just so that she would be allowed to leave the table.

YABU and I feel for your DD.

My DD has ASD and you would see her as a 'fussy eater'.

I see someone with very significant sensory issues which have a major impact on her life. She cannot eat a wide range of foods - or even different brands of the same food. As one therapist told me - brands spend a lot of money differentiating their products, so why should I think that they are the same?

DD cannot even be in the same room as certain foods as she has such a strong reaction to the sight and smell of them (her sense of smell is far beyond mine, and accurate).

Can you imagine not being able to eat lunch with friends other people at school or work - ever - in case one of them has orange juice? Or cucumbers? Or thinking you can't get certain jobs because you cannot see a way to manage this? And then knowing that as soon as you get anxious your senses are heightened and the situation gets worse.

Can you imagine being a parent and seeing your child scratch their skin raw for hours because you have brought something they hate into the house.

I realised that DD was not fussy by the time they were 5, and I am so glad that they have grown up in a understanding household.

Yes some people do have dislikes but I do think we pander to children far more now. If you are hungry, you eat but we don't know what it's like mostly. We also have developed a taste for highly processed foods which is designed to be really palatable, consequently we are becoming adverse to mare challenging foods.

It is possible though to change people, dsd (adult) barely ate veg when she came to live with us full time, now she eats most. Tolerates more herbs, spices etc and moans about her mums bland, unadventurous cooking when she visits.

@RoomOfRequirement I've a couple of friends, and even dated a few people who only want their favorite foods yes. "I dont like vegetables" ok fine, but I'm not gonna serve you a damn plate full of extra meat. Heres some bread to fill you up.

When you know the type, you know. Personal experience its mostly men that want extra "good stuff".

I think everyone gets tarred with the same brush though for a few who take advantage. Like when Carrie says she's "allergic" to parsley just because she doesn't like it in sex and the city

if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

Well obviously, they're not just pretending to dislike things to annoy you! I used to be very fussy, I ended up making myself the same thing every single day in my teens once I was old enough to cook for myself. My brother is not at all fussy and my mother apparently was also a bit judgy about fussy children, thinking it must be bad parenting... and then I came along! I struggle with strong flavours, can't have any sort of spice at all, nor aniseed, nor bitterness. I can't have my food touching unless I prepare it myself. To eat new things I need to be introduced slowly and carefully, and preferably be involved in the preparation - new textures or combinations of flavours are particularly problematic. And this is me now when I consider myself to have grown out of a lot of my fussiness and to be pretty easy to feed! I'm now in my early 40s and it's only in the last decade or so I've began to be open to trying new things. Now I can usually find a restaurant where I can eat, most of my life I've avoided eating out if at all possible and if I've needed to have had to ask for very specific foods; I used to get funny looks asking for a plain jacket potato with just a small pack of butter - coincidentally, I was a lot thinner back then! If it's any use, it's highly likely I'm a bit autistic.

Me too except I was diagnosed with ARFID as an adult

I have a child with arfid. They would starve rather than eat non safe food. It's not a choice they have a physical reaction. It's hard to live with. However I really really hate when people think my child is just indulged, the "it wouldn't happen in my house crowd".

My mum was brought up during WWII rationing and she’s still a fussy eater and always has been. She ‘allowed’ me to be picky as a child, much to the annoyance of some relatives and now as an adult I have a very broad palate, and eat most things. I’ve brought my children up the same way and as they get older they are naturally trying new things of their own accord. Some people absolutely have aversions to particular textures, tastes and smells. Forcing them to eat things they find unpleasant is not an achievement in my eyes.

YANBU to find it annoying, I find it annoying too (as the non-fussy eater usually in charge of shopping and meals) but it is what it is and there are worse quirks to have.

Of the five of us, DS1 is straight up fussy/doesn't like trying new foods, DS2 doesn't like obvious eggs (in a cake fine, in a strongly flavoured quiche maybe, scrambled/omelette etc is a no), DH doesn't like most eggs and sweetcorn (he eats a better variety than when we got together) and DS3 and I eat anything!

We have one 'fussy' eater and one that will try anything at least once. In reality the fussy eater is food adverse.

Both raised exactly the same, weaned using the same foods/methods and exposed to the same dining habits.

The major difference is the fussy eater literally cannot cope with the 'wrong' texture of foods. She will literally starve herself rather than place something in her mouth that isn't right.

Fortunately her safe foods are inexpensive and easily sourced, but she doesn't enjoy the stress associated with food and people judging what she will/won't eat.

It's definitely not as simple as saying 'just try this' or telling her to grow up!

YABU in not pointing to the kitchen and telling them to cook their own and clean up afterwards

Drives me effin’ mad! I know of someone who constantly moans they have no money, yet when you take them out & buy a meal they always leave half. Yet they actually order a pudding, although sometimes they leave half of that too. I’m so close to telling them that this is the reason they have no money, or asking if they want the dinner or pudding because I ain’t buying both. I suspect it’s learned behavior as they all seem to do this thing where they have a few mouth fulls before saying there’s something wrong with the meal. It doesn’t help when the parent keeps a tub the size of a washing basket full of sweets & the kids help themselves either.

you would hate me then 😳. If I were a child now, I expect I would be diagnosed with ARFID. there are a whole range of normal foods that I cannot tolerate the texture of, such as rice, raw tomato, mushrooms and meat.
For ease, I tell people that I’m vegetarian, but that creates its own problems when they assume I will eat mushroom stroganoff.
I know what I like to eat and have survived living off that, I rarely eat out with people who don’t know me well, and if I have to, I will attempt to find something on the menu which I can tolerate the texture of which is much easier these days than it used to be.

The canteen cook in my work can't stand me because I don't like his cooking. I've never once expected him to make me something else if I don't want what he's made and yet he still makes comments about how I'm difficult. I'm quite happy to make my own sandwich and I always tidy up after everyone inc him, saving him a job, and yet he still can't stand me. I avoid him as best I can and it's making me want to leave my work. Absolutely ridiculous when I see this written down and yet he makes me feel tiny when he berates me for not eating his weird food. (It is weird and not ever enough, everyone agrees and just eats it anyway but I can't). It is killing me because I eat lots of different things at home and I always go to fancy restaurants with lovely food, it's just his weird stuff I can't stand.
So... I can't help it and it's a texture and taste thing. I just don't want to eat stuff I don't like and I don't think anyone should try and force me/anyone else. Yes it's a pain so just say 'bring your own' if it bothers you.

Not my child! I have to give him smoothies to get fruit down him. My health visitor told me to just offer fruit and vegetables until he ate. I went two days of this and he didn’t sleep. I couldn’t let him starve and needed to sleep as I work 80 hour weeks.

Look up ARFID. Some "picky eaters" would starve themselves to death to avoid the wrong texture.