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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be exasperated at fussy/picky eaters?

403 replies

Iloveabaconbutty · 09/05/2023 11:37

Am I being unreasonable to be exasperated at "fussy eaters"? I was brought up to eat everything on my plate although as a concession my mum and dad said we were "allowed" not to like one thing - for me as a kid it was cheese I wasn't keen on (which as an adult I've actually grown to love). I also remember my mum's slight irritation - expressed lightheatedly and privately later on - at the schoolfriend who came to tea who didn't like this, didn't like that, was picky about the other, etc. and basically left everything she had prepared on his plate.

I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable.

Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat - bananas, baked beans, tomatoes, porridge, just for starters. There are a lot more things as well, with particularly strong tastes or particular textures. She's also very hesitant to try anything new or different and dislikes coffee and wine. Her boyfriend is the same which makes meal planning a bit of a challenge when he comes to stay.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I realise that my parents were brought up in the post-war years, with rationing etc and to be a "fuss-pot" about food wouldn't have been appreciated. We were brought up like this too - and to the extent that I now appreciate a wide variety of food I'm very grateful. But is this so straightforward for some people?

OP posts:
AuntieJune · 09/05/2023 13:14

I think fussiness can be emotional or have a biological basis. So if you have ARFID etc it's biological and not much you can do about it.

As a child I was fussy and I think it was emotional - I would feel very upset at being forced to eat something that felt 'unsafe' - that approach just makes kids disassociate from food so they hoover it up without thinking if they like it, or if they're full, or if it tastes good.

When I became an adult I went to a uni where you got food provided and I had to teach myself to like a wider range of things. So eg I went only eating 3 kinds of meat, 3 kinds of veg, no sauces etc and every day I'd try something a bit unfamiliar. Mostly I'd hate it but over time I came to eat a much wider range until eventually there was almost nothing I wouldn't eat (shellfish are still gross to me though!)

The ideal way to eat is to be aware of what you're doing, how full you are, and enjoy what you have. One of my DC is fussy and I let her have new foods in separate bowls etc so she can eat the safe thing then try the unsafe thing, with lots of praise - it works much better than the old-skool approach.

CharlottenBerg · 09/05/2023 13:14

I have a friend who is not a 'picky eater', exactly, but she picks AT her food. I think she thinks it's 'refined' or something to leave something on her plate. Many's the time I've had an extra half a steak or a couple of burritos. Me being the type who will eat anything, and enjoy it, clear my plate and look around for more. Mind you, she a big lass, and she does buy those big bags of crisps or corn snacks and munches them in front of the TV when she's alone at home.

Bluebells1970 · 09/05/2023 13:15

We had a very picky eater but never gave in to it. We just put out a plate of food and ignored it completely if she left everything. And there was no topping up with snacks/fruit, it was meals or nothing. Took until she was 5 to be the same size as her peers but thankfully she came out the other side. Now as an adult, she eats anything and everything... it's her younger sister that's a PITA to cook for.

Nanny0gg · 09/05/2023 13:16

Iloveabaconbutty · 09/05/2023 11:37

Am I being unreasonable to be exasperated at "fussy eaters"? I was brought up to eat everything on my plate although as a concession my mum and dad said we were "allowed" not to like one thing - for me as a kid it was cheese I wasn't keen on (which as an adult I've actually grown to love). I also remember my mum's slight irritation - expressed lightheatedly and privately later on - at the schoolfriend who came to tea who didn't like this, didn't like that, was picky about the other, etc. and basically left everything she had prepared on his plate.

I enjoy eating pretty much everything and we've tried to encourage out kids to be unfussy eaters too, encouraging them to "try it", when they were younger, instead of getting away with saying "no" in the first instance and finding that that was acceptable.

Except that one of our daughters, now a young adult, has quite a list of things she doesn't like and won't eat - bananas, baked beans, tomatoes, porridge, just for starters. There are a lot more things as well, with particularly strong tastes or particular textures. She's also very hesitant to try anything new or different and dislikes coffee and wine. Her boyfriend is the same which makes meal planning a bit of a challenge when he comes to stay.

I'm wondering now - having read a bit about it online and elsewhere - if I'm being unreasonable about this and if there are very real issues for some people when it comes to what tastes unpleasant? ie.they really, genuinely cannot help disliking quite a wide range of foods?

I realise that my parents were brought up in the post-war years, with rationing etc and to be a "fuss-pot" about food wouldn't have been appreciated. We were brought up like this too - and to the extent that I now appreciate a wide variety of food I'm very grateful. But is this so straightforward for some people?

Yes you are being unreasonable.

There have been a zillion threads on here about this.
It's not fun.
It's embarrassing
It's miserable
You can't help it
And no-one would choose to be like it

Kanaloa · 09/05/2023 13:16

SSCCLL · 09/05/2023 13:10

The canteen cook in my work can't stand me because I don't like his cooking. I've never once expected him to make me something else if I don't want what he's made and yet he still makes comments about how I'm difficult. I'm quite happy to make my own sandwich and I always tidy up after everyone inc him, saving him a job, and yet he still can't stand me. I avoid him as best I can and it's making me want to leave my work. Absolutely ridiculous when I see this written down and yet he makes me feel tiny when he berates me for not eating his weird food. (It is weird and not ever enough, everyone agrees and just eats it anyway but I can't). It is killing me because I eat lots of different things at home and I always go to fancy restaurants with lovely food, it's just his weird stuff I can't stand.
So... I can't help it and it's a texture and taste thing. I just don't want to eat stuff I don't like and I don't think anyone should try and force me/anyone else. Yes it's a pain so just say 'bring your own' if it bothers you.

Be rude back. Just say ‘I’m not difficult, I don’t like your cooking very much. That’s why I make my own food which I’m quite happy with.’

Nanny0gg · 09/05/2023 13:17

Bluebells1970 · 09/05/2023 13:15

We had a very picky eater but never gave in to it. We just put out a plate of food and ignored it completely if she left everything. And there was no topping up with snacks/fruit, it was meals or nothing. Took until she was 5 to be the same size as her peers but thankfully she came out the other side. Now as an adult, she eats anything and everything... it's her younger sister that's a PITA to cook for.

It took 5 years??

Well, ace parenting there.

Nanny0gg · 09/05/2023 13:18

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 13:13

Look up ARFID. Some "picky eaters" would starve themselves to death to avoid the wrong texture.

Indeed.

If the only food on offer was cauliflower I would not eat it.

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 13:18

There have been a zillion threads on here about this.
It's not fun.
It's embarrassing
It's miserable
You can't help it
And no-one would choose to be like it

This.....I'd love not to have issues with food but I genuinely can't help it.

Bookworm20 · 09/05/2023 13:19

For me it depends on what they are fussy about! I find fussy eaters annoying (not them as a person, just the fussiness). Although as a child I was the fussiest pain the arse you can imagine, hardly ate anything. As an adult there is nothing I won't eat. I just sort of outgrew it I suppose. I have no issue with fussy kids, with most its just par for the course, but some of the adults I know, quite honestly border on the ridiculous, which I just inwardly eye roll at sometimes.

Take SIL and BIL for example. They both eat chicken, as long as there isn't a bone in it. They will eat that same bit of chicken if you take off the bone though. They are in their 40's! They will only eat fillet steak, no other beef will be considered. SIL won't eat carrots if they are cut in circles. I kid you not. Neither will eat anything 'supermarket own make'. THAT kind of fussiness is just ridiculous.

HurryShadow · 09/05/2023 13:20

Yeah, being forced to clear your plate is really, really bad advice nowadays. It creates unhealthy relationships with food.

Encouraging children to at least try everything is far healthier. Of course not everyone likes every food. Personalities in children aren't consistent either, so while one child will happily try something and decide whether they like it or not, another child will refuse to try anything new.

Personally, I have a thing about food textures. Anything slimy (fat on meat, mushrooms, etc) or lumpy (rice pudding) just makes me feel sick. As I'm getting older I'm getting better (will eat chestnut mushrooms in food now and actually really like the flavour of mushrooms), whereas in the past I'd have just said no.

It doesn't make my life or any of those around me too much more complicated.

Spiderboy · 09/05/2023 13:21

I don’t think anyone “wants” to be fussy…
for me, it’s hard to control. An unexpected taste or unwelcome texture and I will heave 🙂 Berating picky eaters will never ever get them to try more food. So don’t .

HurryShadow · 09/05/2023 13:22

Bookworm20 · 09/05/2023 13:19

For me it depends on what they are fussy about! I find fussy eaters annoying (not them as a person, just the fussiness). Although as a child I was the fussiest pain the arse you can imagine, hardly ate anything. As an adult there is nothing I won't eat. I just sort of outgrew it I suppose. I have no issue with fussy kids, with most its just par for the course, but some of the adults I know, quite honestly border on the ridiculous, which I just inwardly eye roll at sometimes.

Take SIL and BIL for example. They both eat chicken, as long as there isn't a bone in it. They will eat that same bit of chicken if you take off the bone though. They are in their 40's! They will only eat fillet steak, no other beef will be considered. SIL won't eat carrots if they are cut in circles. I kid you not. Neither will eat anything 'supermarket own make'. THAT kind of fussiness is just ridiculous.

Weirdly, I'm with your in-laws on the bone thing. For me it's attached to the slimy aversion as the meat on the bone (and skin) tend to have a slimier texture, which is what puts me off.

Again, I'm getting better and won't refuse chicken if it's presented on the bone, but I prefer it without. I won't eat wing meat though because of the sliminess!

SSCCLL · 09/05/2023 13:22

@Kanaloa it's unbelievable. He's shouted in my face before and made comments like 'here she goes again' to clients of mine when I said I'd rather have something else. I've sat myself in a meeting room over lunch rather than sit with him. I began to think I was the problem!!! I've since realised he's a prick and I've spoken to management about him. Until he leaves I'll never be fully comfortable when in work and it's really taking its toll. Crazy how one persons lack of understanding can affect others so much. Side note - he's also ages with my dad so it's quite intimidating.

MammaTo · 09/05/2023 13:24

No I too find it exhausting with adults. Kids can eat what they like as long as they eat IMO but adults who are fussy just cause drama. Organising meals out is a nightmare and even though they’re the minority we must cater to them not the other way around.
I also appreciate people who are ND can have sensory issues however it is a bug beat for others sorry.

ConstanceReid · 09/05/2023 13:26

I find fussy eaters a bore. My brother in law won’t eat onions or mushrooms, even when virtually undetectable in dishes. My sister in law has a different thing she won’t eat every time we see her. It’s tiresome.

Mind you, my husband thinks I’m really fussy because I don’t like fat or gristle and I’m not mad on sashimi 🤨

ASundayWellSpent · 09/05/2023 13:27

I can see your point in some ways. My parents treated me very differently than I have treated my children regarding food to different results. I was fed freezer food, nuggets, waffles, beans and this lead to me feeling very intimidated by anything vaguely different to this and wasn't really encouraged to try, was always made separate meals to my parents. As an adult I have discovered many foods that I love and enjoy cooking a wide variety of foods too, am quite the foodie now! My children have always eaten the same as us, including spices, spicy foods, textures etc, and really enjoy exploring different flavours,cooking with lots of ingredients, and eating new foods when we travel, they are super adventurous. I appreciate this isn't the same for everyone, but anecdotally it has been this way in my family.

TinyTeacher · 09/05/2023 13:27

Do you not have any taste preferences? Favourite food?

Some people have more extreme preferences than others. I'm sure that exposure to difference tastes help, but it's obviously not the whole story.

FWIW, I have identical twins. So genetically exactly the same. And exposed to the same foods and with the same attitude (we're very relaxed, offer a lot of different things but never insist on a clear plate). One likes a much wider variety than the other! The pickier one is far skinnier than his brother as he just leaves anything he doesn't fancy. He LOVES peas, but most other veg gets ignored. As long as they are both healthy and offered variety I try not to be bothered.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2023 13:27

My teen has arfid I believe it’s a real revulsion of certain textures/smells.
Always been the same. No sauces etc. I recall her horror when someone attempted to squirt ketchup on her plate at a play centre party.
I suspect in past there was more routine and much less variety do it was easier to navigate eg toast or cereal for breakfast, roast Sunday, sausages Wednesday.
My mum in her 70s would say she isn’t picky but there’s many foods she wouldn’t eat - curry etc.
Lots of people eat same foods.
In past I suspect a lot of sickly or fail to thrive children had arfid or intolerances.
My friends granny was coeliac and had to go to a hospital to recouperate as she was so ill.

sugarapplelane · 09/05/2023 13:27

Bookworm20 · 09/05/2023 13:19

For me it depends on what they are fussy about! I find fussy eaters annoying (not them as a person, just the fussiness). Although as a child I was the fussiest pain the arse you can imagine, hardly ate anything. As an adult there is nothing I won't eat. I just sort of outgrew it I suppose. I have no issue with fussy kids, with most its just par for the course, but some of the adults I know, quite honestly border on the ridiculous, which I just inwardly eye roll at sometimes.

Take SIL and BIL for example. They both eat chicken, as long as there isn't a bone in it. They will eat that same bit of chicken if you take off the bone though. They are in their 40's! They will only eat fillet steak, no other beef will be considered. SIL won't eat carrots if they are cut in circles. I kid you not. Neither will eat anything 'supermarket own make'. THAT kind of fussiness is just ridiculous.

My DH won’t eat carrots cut in circles either. He says it stems from when his Mum used to make stews and the carrots were overcooked
He’ll eat most other things though

LiveatCityHall · 09/05/2023 13:27

My mum made me eat what was on my plate regardless. I was always encouraged to "try it" but still expected to eat it. Now I'm an adult I can say that I don't fucking like broccoli or spinach or marrow so stop giving it to me. Which is probably why your daughter is now "fussy".
My son only eats beige food and doesn't have the passion for food that I do (except for broccoli etc obviously) and I've made my peace with it. Doesn't mean I didn't try.

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 13:32

I find fussy eaters a bore

I find those who are unable ( or unwilling) to understand eating disorders a bore if I'm honest.

Lcb123 · 09/05/2023 13:32

YANBU. There's nothing I wouldn't try eating, I genuinely like everything. People should be grateful to have food to eat. I wouldn't go out of your way to cater for your DD. If they're fussy, they should sort themselves out

Lamelie · 09/05/2023 13:35

I voted yanbu as I read your op as having been intolerant of others' pickiness you now realise there's a lot at play here.
My DCs tried everything and were easy to feed as children. Now they're adults various intolerances have arisen, also Veganism. Feeding them is complicated and I now see that even if they're easy and unfussy as children other factors come in to play.

TheMoops · 09/05/2023 13:35

Lcb123 · 09/05/2023 13:32

YANBU. There's nothing I wouldn't try eating, I genuinely like everything. People should be grateful to have food to eat. I wouldn't go out of your way to cater for your DD. If they're fussy, they should sort themselves out

And I genuinely would rather starve than eat foods not on my safe list. It's not about being ungrateful, it's an actual phobia and an eating disorder.

I'd LOVE to eat a wide variety of foods but I just can't.

Ruth98 · 09/05/2023 13:36

My oldest child will eat what's on her plate, even if it's something she isn't keen on and then if she really doesn't like it it just won't go on her plate next time. I always insists she eats her fruit and veg and she generally does, even if it's something she isn't keen on...simple! I had no time for fussy eating....then i had my youngest and realised it really isn't that simple!

His sense of taste and smell is immense, he obviously has much stronger senses than the rest of us. If I ate something out sight (secret chocolate eating!) he would detect it the moment I walk back in the room. If I feed the dog or cat when he's in the same room or even if the smell drifts into the room he is in he will start wretching and can even be sick (same if a wet dog walks into a cafe while he is eating, we have to exit quickly before hes sick). If I try and make him eat a food he doesn't like he will try his best and then vomit. He's 4 now but has been the same since about 18 months. It's not to be fussy or difficult and has a massive appetite, it's real to him.

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