SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

[CupEmpty]

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby.

my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example.

however small things for example-

• leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket
• doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed
• doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc
• kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack
• If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin
• if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink

etc etc

it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly.

for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc.

I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

My EXDP used to make more housework for me by not picking up after himself, and I wasn't even a SAHM!

Whenever I mentioned him cleaning up after himself (so not about him doing chores etc, just him clearing up mess HE made), he would accuse me of being a nag.

I left him in the end, as it got to the point where he even stopped flushing the toilet after doing a big poo.

Now he lives by himself, he has to clean up after himself, our 2 DC and his older DC from his previous relationship. Oh well 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I believe you are the morning receptionist at our medical centre, here today exercising your very particular set of skills, acquired over a very long career.

Absolutely agree with most on this thread. There is a big difference between taking on the majority of household chores as an SAHM (probably reasonable, depending on exact circumstances) and picking up someone else's mess (not reasonable at all!). Leaving a trail of dirty laundry, wet towels, shoes, plates etc is just rude and thoughtless. These are the kind of things teenagers often do - and rightly get told that it isn't OK!

I'm not a SAHP but housework does mainly fall to me (DH does all cooking, gardening, car maintenance and shopping) however, if there is something stupid like wet towels lying around or muddy boots etc, I call him over to sort it. Literally like I do with DS.

He hates it but I asked him once what alternative he would suggest? I think as he was about to ask why I didn't just sort it he saw my face, thought about his answer and his tail went straight between his legs.

Exactly!

Ha no I’m not but much respect to our receptionist. It’s a very valued Role. Again, if I was it wouldn’t matter surely. But no I did 7 years in university so wouldn’t have been the best use.

Same here.

He thinks he's doing a great job changing a nappy, yet leaves the mess for OP to clean up.

Takes his clothes off and throws them on the floor instead of putting them in the washing basket.

Eats off a plate and leaves it on the table for OP to clear away.

He sounds like a real prince amongst men.

sorry am reading through all the long replies.

just out of interest - as others have said I have a 6 month old - would you expect a husband to not help at all whilst his wife was on maternity leave?

Not everyone can afford to take maternity leave or rather to not be earning. My point was you’re lucky to be in a position you can afford not to go back to work. Chat to him to throw nappies in bin and dirties in the basket. Otherwise I’d say this is your full time job alongside the kids right now. He’s got his own job working earning enough to support all 4 of you. Is his very well paid job very demanding? Could explain him forgetting to throw undies in the basket. If so, is it that big a deal? Everyone has a different POV hence the forum of course.

He's also very fortunate to be able to afford to have someone at home doing everything, enabling him to progress his career. How about having a chat to him, pointing this out, and making the point that mutual appreciation and respect, goes a long way in maintaining the status quo, which is mutually beneficial.

OP, I’ve had a lot of friends who’ve decided to be SAHMs and from my own observation it ONLY works where the man respects the woman as an equal and sees the value of the housework/childcare she does. Where he thinks that she’s a lesser human being/his slave/his possession because she doesn’t work, and/or resents her for not working, it almost always ends badly.

I have a couple of friends who decided it was worth being treated like a domestic slave/on-demand sex toy in order to spend the maximum amount of time with the children. It ended disastrously (for them) in both cases.

I don’t want to make assumptions from what you’ve told us but I would have a long hard think about how your partner views you and make some choices accordingly.

Omg OP, ignore the oxbridge lady, she's being an utter bore..
Of course a husband should help while his wife is on maternity leave, PM me if you want, we have a really good shared division going I think and I'm happy to tell you about it.
All the things you mentioned my husband wouldn't dream of doing and if he did due to lack of time/emergency what have you he would apologise.
It's basic respect to clean up after yourself, it's not the job of the parent at home, the oxbridge lady is talking utter b***ks..

Well no because if she worked full time they could put the kids in nursery and/or afford a cleaner. It must be a good wage to cover all 4 so I always knew I was lucky to have that. My husband earns more than me by a third but it was enough to comfortably live on to support all 4 of us at the time. Whether you like it or not that’s not a given for everyone with 2 small children. You are lucky. Many men don’t earn enough to cover it so you would then have to go back to work FT too and then you would still be doing half the housework cooking etc on top of a FT job! AND missing out on your kids.

Do you leave litter on the floor when you're out and about because you've got a full time job and so can't be bothered to put it in the bin? Same logic in my opinion.

The op doesn't want him to do any actual housework, just to pick up after himself.

It’s a forum. You’re entitled to your opinion which I respect. I am entitled to mine. You’re also very privileged and have no idea clearly.

Yet again read all my previous post re laundry basket.

TIP: keep your career….so if he is actually disrespectful (by the way we don’t know that: he’s probably simply not thinking or distracted give him a break!)….then you can walk away with your own financial security at any point.

Yes, I always knew I was fortunate that my husband could earn enough to afford me being a SAHM. He always knew he was very fortunate that I was prepared to be a SAHM, as it was a mutual decision that we wanted this for our children, and that I was quite happy to do the bulk of the childcare, all the cleaning, the gardening, blah, blah, blah. As I said, mutually beneficial. And as a result, mutually respectful and appreciative. He would never have dreamed of leaving a dirty nappy on the floor. As much as anything, how unhygienic.

When you are on maternity leave, OP, you do what needs to be done when your partner/husband is at work. For most people that will include keeping up with cooking/laundry/cleaning. You might not be able to do all of it if you have a very colicky hard to settle baby or are juggling a toddler too but you'd probably do a fair bit of it. I did.

Then when your husband comes home or at weekends you each mind the baby/keep the house going. After all if you had the children in nursery or had a nanny, you wouldn't expect them to also mind the children at the weekend or in the evenings. It is a job and you are doing it - doesn't mean you do it 24/7, 7 days a week. If you had a cleaner you don't expect them to pop up every time you need to put a cup in the dishwasher.

In no circumstances is it ok for either adult to leave clothes on the floor, towels on the bathroom floor or expect someone else to wash up after them or otherwise act like a skivvy. It isn't respectful and quite honestly it is deeply unattractive. Yeah, if one of you is rushing out the door to work and is running late you might say "don't worry about the towels, I'll sort them" or "I'll clear off the table" But just not doing it ever. I'd have the ick.

My mother and father were born in the 1920s. My father would never have treated my mum like that. He worked, she was at home. When he came home he was a hands on dad and a normal self-sufficient adult. And my mother clearly had more respect for herself and her role as a sahm than many of the posters on here who seem to think it involves a necessary debasement for the temerity of not bringing in a wage. As always, the necessary work of minding babies is only valued if you are paying someone to do it.

what a ridiculous, unintelligent logic! I’m not financially supporting the bin man whose job it is to collect the litter. Don’t live with him. Bit different.

But you had a financial choice. Many don’t.

I would do these things for my husband if I was staying at home and he was working and it wouldn't bother me. But that's probably because I would love it if someone did this stuff for me so I could just focus on work. ;)

Husband and I both have ADHD and get distracted or super focused easily and it's hard for us to keep track of this stuff and remember to do it. I feel like we're both constantly fighting an uphill battle against our house! But we both work (and have 4 kids) and share domestic responsibilities and childcare equally.

Sometimes I would really love to either stay home and have the time and energy to focus on keeping it cleaner, in which case I would just naturally do these things, or to just focus on work and have him do all of this stuff. I find it really overwhelming to do both and so does he, so we both usually focus on work and spending time with the kids without worrying about getting too stressed out about the house, although when it builds up it does still get stressful of course.

Oh and I meant to add to my above comment that that's just how I feel and what I think I would do but I know that everyone is different and if it bothers you then definitely talk to him about it. Also who knows how I would really feel if I was in that situation since I'm not. I'm just speaking hypothetically and about how whenever I do focus on housework, I pick up his stuff too. And whenever he focuses on housework, he picks up my stuff too. We just do things like that for each other and share everything equally but that's not really your situation so it probably doesn't apply.

Yes, we had a financial choice, and we exercised it. We are well aware of that privilege that we enjoyed the benefits of being able to make that choice. That is why we were mutually appreciative and respectful of each other's very important role, and did our best to exemplify that, and make it work.

Good:)