SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

[CupEmpty]

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby.

my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example.

however small things for example-

• leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket
• doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed
• doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc
• kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack
• If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin
• if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink

etc etc

it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly.

for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc.

I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

@Oxbridgetitans
'hat arse is busy working full time earning enough to keep 4 people.'

As was my dh. He was still capable of clearing up after himself. I never had to clear his cups away or pick up clothes from the floor.

It's a matter of respect both ways. I respected that he carried the financial load to enable our life. He respected that I carried the childcare load to enable our life. We both shared the rest. Equal leisure time was our motto.
I appreciate that this may not be your way, but the op is being royally shafted.

As I've said before.... SAHM was cheaper than 2x childcare. It wasn't a luxury choice.

I’m a SAHM because my son has SEN and now is taking A Levels and needs so much support, it’s unbelievable. I would love to have gone back to work - I was someone once. All I am now is a toilet cleaner. As it is I would not pick my husband pants off the routinely and he would not expect that. Also he does ironing when he has time etc. He cooks on occasions and can cook an excellent risotto. Quite frankly I don’t mind cooking from scratch, love ironing because I get to watch TV and hoovering because it’s a physical work out. I do get frustrated with constantly cleaning up after my son and still organising his clothes, tidying his en suite , flushing the toilet etc. Recently I got a cleaner because he wanted me to as learning 2 A Levels and writing notes etc was too much, Getting someone with ASD / complex needs through exams is like taking exams yourself. This bank holiday I have been out for about 3 hours in total. He has a cold, no idea how to blow his nose and definitely no idea when to use his inhaler - so I did not feel confident leaving him long periods. So can’t go out tonight. We have tickets for a concert I can’t go to as I can’t get a PA to sit my sick adult son when he is contagious. Seemingly my hubby has a decent career but he recognises the at times desperation in me and does not treat me like a maid. I could tell more about what it’s like but I don’t want to but it’s intense at times and tough. He would never expect me to pick up and carry for him no matter how elevated his job is. He is an extraordinarily humble and kind man and he is the only one I want to get me through this, I was blessed to have married him. He understands all the sacrifices I have made for our son and we are a team. I am grateful for his help and support. But no I will never be his maid - my son’s maid, sadly yes as I was holding a tissue and blocking his nostril today.

This is the epitome of toxic positivity.

He is showing you how little respect he has for you. Don't pick his clothes up off the floor, instead remind him every time to do it himself( I know you shouldn't have to).
Be prepared for him to point out everything he thinks you're not doing though, it's how they all react when they're pulled up on how disrespectful they're being.

SAHM does not =Slave
When I was a SAHM if it wasn't in the basket it didn't get washed. Sorry you aren't a slave leave them. If he runs out of socks/boxers who cares, you have clean.
Show him where the washing goes if it isn't there it doesn't get done. Rinse and repeat he will either click on or have to start doing his own.
Ps push the wet towel to his side of the bed if it's damp and smelly for him when he goes to bed he may realise what a twit he is.
Children learn by behaviour they will soon pick up you are the slave of the house.
Good luck with the 3 kids

I didn’t attend Oxbridge. Both my sons do. Yes I’m a consultant in the medical field. My husband incredible; unsure where you saw that I said he wasn’t??

He’s not an unemployed bum?! He working full time, providing for the four of them?? Ok he left his towel on the floor? Pick it up and assume he forgot? You better be sure you have a baywatch body and be the worlds best mother that’s all I can say.

@Oxbridgetitans I didn't say anything about him being a bum???? Are you quoting the right person?

Big box. Everything he leaves around for you to pick up goes in. Pants. Coffee cups. Nappies. Wet towels. See how long it takes for him to notice the festering pile of crap he now has to deal with.

@Oxbridgetitans
She didn't say he left only his towel on the floor once though, she's saying he leaves all his dirty clothes on the floor, used wet towels lying around. As a one off I wouldn't even notice, I'd assume he was in a rush or the towel fell off the hook or something. But repeatedly leaving your laundry on the floor for your supposedly beloved to pick up after you is disrespectful.

have a conversation with him about clearing up after himself (and that includes the children if he's responsible for feeding them).

Or - stays there til he deals with it (kitchen)
large box/laundry bag - you dump all his clothes/wet towels there until he washes them.

What a misogynistic response. And OP completely having to curtail her career to further her husband's is hardly lucky.

She does work, her work is unpaid in the home. It has just as much value as his. Why should she then be a 24 hour skivvy? Does he not get breaks? You can bet he's not on call 24 hours a day.

You can also bet bringing up the children and running the house solo whilst cleaning up after a dirty disrespectful manchild is much harder work than his new, lower paying, less responsibility role.

OP your job is to raise the kids not being a maid. You deserve just as much respect for your input as he get for working outside the home. Probably more. When my DSis worked PT after kids, she always said she went to the office for a rest, despite working in a high pressure, fast paced financial role. Bringing up kids is gruelling.

You're still a person not a servant. He is being really lazy. Make sure you are getting as much leisure time as him. Focus on raising the kids and if necessary stop doing any of his domestic load until he realises you are a human being.

yes that’s my wording

Your proof? And why do you care? I assure you I work in medicine. I’m a consultant. It’s really not that inconceivable or groundbreaking. I’m not the first woman on the moon. Why are your limits on women so incredibly low?! It’s not actual rocket science.

Your language proves you amounted to zero hence the vitriol.

I’m a SAHP and these things piss me off too - they don’t happen often, but when they do I will happily point them out and will continue to until it’s done - might piss me off a pair of shoes being left on the floor, but not in a million years will I be moving them (yes I am that petty)
Yes you’re a SAHP but you’re not a servant.
The way I see it is your DH has his job and that’s his thing that you can’t contribute to, but your home is a whole family thing, which he can and should be contributing to.

Tell him your job is to maintain the household. Not pick up after another adult who can't be arsed and what does he think should happen.

So disrespectful

Hahaha amazing stuff. Did you learn that research methodology from your sons at Oxford Brookes…sorry, “bridge”?

I’m baffled. Being a SAHM in my head is that- being able to look after the children and not pay expensive childcare. Yes it’s useful to also be on top of housework but I think it’s also unreasonable that the expectation is that OP runs around after him too. She’s not his mum and I’m assuming he’s capable and able. His job isn’t 24/7 I imagine and if the expectation is that her care of the children is an alternative for hers, that’s not 24/7 either.
Yes, OP is lucky that they could afford for her to be home, or it made sense financially, whatever reason, he is still a bloody grown up and needs to clear up his own mess!
Let’s not enable people to be lazy shit arses, or make excuses when they don’t do the basics.

@OP did you by any chance have an actual maid/domestic helper when you lived abroad?

Not clearing the plates or picking up his discarded clothes and shoes sounds like the habits of someone who had a maid. You need to remind him that those days are over.

However, the leaving dirty nappies not in the bin is utterly disgusting, what possible reason can he have for doing that? It's worse than not changing the nappy at all.

Ditto wet towels in the bed- that's not just mess, that's making the bed damp.

Have a serious conversation, and do it asap.

And yes, of course a husband still parents the baby when the mother is on maternity leave, because the baby is his child. Does he not take any interest at all? Men who see children as accessories or status symbols are despicable.

Ox as in Oxford and Bridge as in Cambridge 🙈