Is it just me or are narcissistic people everywhere these days?

[Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum]

Everyday I'm seeing threads on here describing sinister narcissistic abuse and women coming to the realisation that their DP/DH is a narcissist of some description.
What is causing the increase in narcissists?
Could it be that society is more aware of narcissism in general?
According to experts, only 1-5% of the population is a narcissist. So those people are clearly doing lots of damage somehow.
As for myself, I was raised by a toxic mother who was basically like another teenage girl in the house, the atmosphere was awful and she still can't work out why we're estranged.
My stbxp is a dangerously manipulative and abusive covert narcissist who I'm planning my escape from every day now.

This could have been me. If I didn't realise that he is a narcissist in his last big rant, I'd be sat here thinking that I was the problem and might have even sectioned myself.

@Wiccan thank you. I'm glad some Mumsnetters understand that it's not as simple as leave the bastard when the said bastard is unhinged, manipulative and evil when it suits him. I'm definitely leaving him but first, all my ducks must be in a row or consequences could be disastrous.

Narcissism is on the rise.
the danger of belittling people’s experience when they say “narcissism” is that it’s EXACTLY what abusive gaslighting people do.

my therapist told me that some people do experience more NPD encounters In their life, because certain types (codependent, a bit wounded, low self esteem etc) do actually attract narcissists.

I know for me, since I finally got free of my vampire of an ex and had years of therapy, I have not encountered them, and I think it’s mainly that as soon as I see a red flag in another person, I turn and walk away.

I used to make all kinds of excuses for bad behavior. It was almost like I thought martyrdom was a love language. I’d put my own needs LAST. and that is the kind of person who will be a prime feeding source for narcissists.

I hope you get free, and I hope you build your self esteem back up - and your self compassion.

Lisa Romano has some really good videos about spotting it, getting free of it, healing from it - all sorts. She’s on Facebook and YouTube.

Absolutely, leaving is the most dangerous time.
here in support -

What your therapist said makes sense because I'm more than likely wounded by the toxic dynamic between myself and my mother when I was growing up and I can see parallels in both of the relationships. At times I had to parent my brother and be a confidant to my mother and now I'm parenting DS and having to parent my partner which is something I shouldn't have to do.
The man has full on tantrums like a bloody toddler only much more frightening.

I always seem to be at the bottom of the priority list in the household.

and now I'm parenting DS and having to parent my partner which is something I shouldn't have to do.

I think this is part of the problem- narcissists only get to be narcissists if they are allowed to be and that depends on who they encounter so many people may have encountered one but just written them off as a weirdo/fantasist and not had further interaction. It's hard to know what the reality is.

sorry- just realised that sounded really victim blaming and I didn't mean it to be. I just meant that based on your background you'd be more likely to normalise that behaviour. And those people know who to target.

Physch terms are often used to describe behaviours and traits. Also Western societies promotes and reward narrisictic behaviour and social media has put a rocket under it.

They are very good at getting people to do their dirty work for them . Brilliant delegators , manipulators and gas lighters . You won't realise you have been done over by one until they are long gone .

Watch Adam Curtis documentary on bbc, think it's century of self.
Basically describes the rise of consumer and individual society, a massive eye opener.

Yeah but no. You don't know who ignored them/ edged them out as those encounters are not documented.

They also tend to be popular and well liked.

Those who see through them are made out to be the villian/bully/playing games etc, and for some reason, the narcissistic is believed over them.

They are very good altering your reality, that yoi don't know what's up anymore. One minute they are charming, put you on a pedestal, tell you how much they value your friendship etc. The next they are making fun of you and calling you mysogynistic names as a joke.

The word narcissist does seem overused on mn. You will know for certain when you have encountered a narcissist. I didn't realisethis until I read up about it much later, and then everything made sense.

I thought I was going mad, I was the batch, I was causing all this crazy behaviour on the other person and that as long as I said and did the right thing, everything would be as it was before. They seem to only have two modes, charming and sweet, or sullen with a threat to go full blown rage.

They make your life utter hell.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think narcissistic people have superpowers that mean they can exploit anyone- that is crediting them with more power and intelligence than they have .I think they deliberately prey on people who are vulnerable to them-i.e, people who already have experience of narcissism, people who have been in abusive relationships, people who want that connection (they are excellent at lovebombing)etc.

I’ve met a lot of twats but only one person who I’m absolutely certain was a narcissist. Absolutely terrifying individual.

Of course

on musmsnet if you don’t have a narcissist partner, sister, colleague… then you must be boasting 🙄

Xsquared

Like you said you didn't realise they were a narcissistic until you read up and it all made sense . Same here. Plus after they had gone people came out of the woodwork and told me stuff . We we were all played off . It's not until they are gone that it all makes sense .

I’m 100% sure that the narcissist mentioned in my pp would never in a million years have agreed that there was anything wrong with him. There was only anything ‘wrong’ with the handful of people he betrayed these traits to - his spouse and maybe 4 very close friends.
Didn’t everybody else think he was no end of a good bloke?

IMO arrogance, and (in his case) meticulous control of his behaviour to everybody but the very few, was surely a sign. He was a control-freak in other ways, too - including as regarded money. Mean!

Certainly he’d never have agreed to any official diagnosis.

Yes. The control over his behaviour is what's tipped me off and the lies upon lies and the extreme sexual deviance.

OP you have said many times about your “plans” to leave.

Where are you at with this? It would seem leaving him need to be your top middle and bottom priority.

It is. But he's incredibly devious and manipulative. If I just simply up and leave he'll tell everyone that I'm mentally unstable and go for full custody and because he's incredibly convincing they'll believe him. I have to do this right for DS sake.
Until you've tried to leave a bonafide narcissist, you won't understand.
I have to wait for him to blow up and discard me before I run.

So you are going to stick around until he decides it’s the end?

He won’t be able to “claim” anything of the sort unless you have a medical history to indicate otherwise

Absolutely, especially gaslighting, which people now use when they just mean “lying”.
We should all remember though, that MN posts are not a reflection of what most people are like. People post problems on here, often to do with bad treatment by partners or relatives. We don’t post to say how normal and nice our partners and families are. So if you thought this was a cross section of society you’d get the impression that there’s a huge proportion of very dysfunctional people and terrible relationships. It’s like going into a GP surgery and thinking the people there represent the health status of the uk population.
I do believe that some of the people described in posts on here are displaying narcissistic traits. That doesn’t mean it’s generally common, it means that the person is causing enough distress for someone to come on MN and ask for advice.

See this right here is victim blaming. I have got a history of seeking mental health help because he gaslighted the fuck out of me but no point in saying that because it's like you've already made your mind up.
Just be mindful of what you say until you know the full facts of someone's life. I can't just leave. Leave and go where? Refuges are having to turn women away. My dads place is about 3 trains away and I haven't got the money for that. My narcissist makes sure of it.

Agree OP it is victim blaming . An escape plan can take many years to put together . I also have a mental health history and the narcissist in my family used it at every opportunity to convince others that I was the problem .