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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving toddler with 19yr niece for a week

418 replies

MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:42

Myself and DH are getting married in August and we have been looking at sorting out our honeymoon. We have planned to not take DD (2yo) with us and my niece has kindly offered to look house sit and look after her whilst we are away. She will be back from university and I said we would pay her for looking after DD. She has been super involved with her since she was a newborn and has babysat her many many times.

AIBU letting her?

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 08/05/2023 10:15

Its a hell no from me personally. No way would I leave my 2 year old for a week. I did a Thurs to Sun when DS1 was 2 and I felt terrible at 3 nights, so 7 is far too many for me.

I also wouldnt want to burden a 19 y/o for a whole week. If your mum is so close by why can't she do it? With your niece helping her if she wants to be involved?

My less than clingy DS2 would be crying for me after several days. Why dont you just take her with you?

FilthyforFirth · 08/05/2023 10:16

Its a hell no from me personally. No way would I leave my 2 year old for a week. I did a Thurs to Sun when DS1 was 2 and I felt terrible at 3 nights, so 7 is far too many for me.

I also wouldnt want to burden a 19 y/o for a whole week. If your mum is so close by why can't she do it? With your niece helping her if she wants to be involved?

My less than clingy DS2 would be crying for me after several days. Why dont you just take her with you?

YoBeaches · 08/05/2023 10:16

The 19yr old sounds competent enough, but it's easy to say that when they haven't had to deal with an emergency and see how mature they really are.

I personally wouldn't leave a 2 yr old for a week. It's a very long time in their world. I would worry about being far away and not being able to get back quickly in an emergency.

It all depends what your comfortable with and how you risk assess the situation. 19 yr old playing mummy's and daddy's is fine but how much experience does she really have for 24/7 care of a 2 yr old

gogohmm · 08/05/2023 10:17

Plenty of 19 year olds have babies, they also have more energy at that age. Does her mum etc live close in case she needs advice/extra help? My dd has watched her little cousins over night at that age, not a whole week but I would have trusted her to do so

ShoesoftheWorld · 08/05/2023 10:17

I'm another who thinks a week is too long to leave a 2yo without a parent. And it's certainly too long to leave a 19yo (or anyone without experience of having lived with and cared for a young child previously) in effectively sole charge, nursery and local relatives notwithstanding.

Skybluepinky · 08/05/2023 10:17

Take the child with u, once u have a child they come first.

Silvergoldandglitter · 08/05/2023 10:22

Not a chance I'd do this. I have a dsd who is 21 and would barely leave the dog with her for a weekend.

whumpthereitis · 08/05/2023 10:24

If she’s happy to do it and will have the support of your family, also happy to step in if need be, then I don’t see the problem. Go for it and enjoy yourselves. My parents had holidays for themselves when I was a child and I’m happy for them that they took time out to be a couple. Seems healthy tbh.

You don’t need to concern yourself with anyone pursing their lips about it on mumsnet.

HikingforScenery · 08/05/2023 10:30

It sounds fine to me, OP.
However, could your niece do two nights, then your mum two nights, then your niece another two nights?

She sounds level- headed and with a lovely bond with your dd but i think it could end up being a lot.

It’s really nice that you’re such a close-knit family.

You’re not being selfish OP. I didn’t even consider leaving mine at that age for that but they didn’t have an adult I’d trust for that.

Enjoy your honeymoon.

Newmumatlast · 08/05/2023 10:37

00100001 · 08/05/2023 08:53

I wouldn't bother with a honeymoon if it meant leaving a 2 yo behind for an entire week.

Same to be honest or I'd take them with me as part of my immediate family. I'd only do a honeymoon without kids if I married pre kids. Maybe a weekend away without. Appreciate others are different though. We just always have one of us with them bar the odd night with my parents which is very very rare. Many wouldnt work away like I do.

plutoniumum · 08/05/2023 10:46

I personally wouldn't leave a toddler with a 19 year old for a week for various reasons, but only you know her, the toddler and the whole situation.

Who would take responsibility if anything went wrong?

Dotcheck · 08/05/2023 11:04

CheersForThatEh · 08/05/2023 09:35

There is a world of difference between an adult in a paid setting with other adults working together and doing planned activities and a set clocking off time and doing a full week if non-stop routine with sole responsibility for a 2 year old.

She doesnt fully appreciate what she is signing up for and deep down you know that. Especially if there are weekends involved where she needs to occupy your 2yo all day from sun up to sun down.

There is a world of difference. The 19 year old ( presumably) LOVES the 2 year old. And will be geographically close to other people who LOVE the 2 year old, and will be on hand to help out

Colinfromaccounts · 08/05/2023 11:10

Aren’t you exploiting her? That’s a hell of a lot of free childcare you’re getting from someone who probably doesn’t know what she’s signed up for

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 08/05/2023 11:47

HarrietStyles · 08/05/2023 09:14

I’m going to go against the grain here. If you know that she is a responsible 19 year old, your child has a good relationship with her, she regularly babysits already, child will be going to nursery so she can get a break, you have other family nearby for back up…….. then I would absolutely go for it for your honeymoon. Your relationship with your DH is important too. Many people exhaust themselves dedicating themselves to their children 24/7, martyr themselves to their children and then their mental health and relationship with their other half suffers. It’s ok to take a little time away as a couple, build a strong relationship that benefits your children.

This! Enjoy yourself @MagicalLife . Me and my OH have had several holidays child free and we really look forward to the time on out own. We are so lucky we have an amazing support network while being part of a support network for others too. Go, spend some time together.

Emmamoo89 · 08/05/2023 12:02

Skybluepinky · 08/05/2023 10:17

Take the child with u, once u have a child they come first.

You have to put yourself and relationship first sometimes. Happy mama. Happy relationship= Happy baba

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/05/2023 12:04

Colinfromaccounts · 08/05/2023 11:10

Aren’t you exploiting her? That’s a hell of a lot of free childcare you’re getting from someone who probably doesn’t know what she’s signed up for

Yeah, I kind of feel a bit like this as well. It's taking advantage of a young girl who probably doesn't really know how to say "no".

OP, are you paying her for this, and providing food, nappies etc?

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/05/2023 12:05

No, that’s far too much for a 19 year old.

Liorae · 08/05/2023 12:08

Nordicrain · 08/05/2023 08:46

And btw I think it's entirely pointless to point out many 19 yos have their own kids. That's an entirely different situations. Some 14 yos have their own kids, that doesn't mean they would be ideal childcare in this situation.

A 14 yr old mother of a toddler would surely be a better baby sitter than a non parent.

Butterfly44 · 08/05/2023 12:12

Yes go.
19 is an adult and your considering it so it means she's sensible! Your mother and sister aren't far away. Go! :)

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 12:12

Will she use the support or be worried about admitting she's struggling?

I think if it's a genuine extended family all mucking in, with her taking the lead situation, fine. A single 19yo alone all week with a toddler, I'd be worried about (even if it was her own child).

I don't really understand having young children and wanting to use precious leave time to be without them though.

Thewitcherswolf · 08/05/2023 12:16

I think in this situation it would be fine as long as you know that your Niece’s mum and grandma will step in to help if (when) she she needs a hand. I’d have a word with your sister+ mum (or SIL+MIL?) to check they’re happy to be backup before agreeing.

hereiamagainn · 08/05/2023 12:23

If your niece still lives at home, is there a reason your daughter couldn’t go to stay with your sister’s family? More pairs of hands etc.

KatP75 · 08/05/2023 12:27

hereiamagainn · 08/05/2023 12:23

If your niece still lives at home, is there a reason your daughter couldn’t go to stay with your sister’s family? More pairs of hands etc.

More eyes as well I’d say but my view is perhaps informed by the fact the toddlers I know love to insert things in their nose and mouth and seem to gravitate to all the sharp edges. 🙈

ShowUs · 08/05/2023 13:10

I was a single parent living on my own younger than your DN.

But I found it incredibly difficult.

She does sound very mature and capable but a week is a very long time.

Having a child over night and for a few hours during the day is completely different to having them all week.

I often have my nieces or nephews to stay but I am exhausted even after just 1 night and day.

I’m wondering if you could ask your mum or someone to have your DD for 1 day and night mid way through to give your niece a break.

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 13:19

How long is the honeymoon? People seem to have assumed a week, but I can't see OP has said that?

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