Leaving toddler with 19yr niece for a week

[MagicalLife]

Myself and DH are getting married in August and we have been looking at sorting out our honeymoon. We have planned to not take DD (2yo) with us and my niece has kindly offered to look house sit and look after her whilst we are away. She will be back from university and I said we would pay her for looking after DD. She has been super involved with her since she was a newborn and has babysat her many many times.

AIBU letting her?

I know lots about both, and have the same question. What impact do you imagine it would have?

Personally I wouldn't for a week (prob 3 nights max) but if you do decide to I'd suggest being really explicit about expectations eg no friends/boyfriend over while she's looking after her. Don't assume she knows how to care for an infant full time just because she's done overnights. And I always think, of the worst were to happen, would she know what to do?
House catches on fire?
Someone breaks in to the house?
She loses sight of her in the playground?
She has a serious accident/bang to the head etc

I would not do this.

I have a 2 year old dd and also a 21 year old ds who lives at home still.

I wouldn’t leave her with him as she’s relentless.

Ds was born when I was 21, so his age doesn't cloud my judgement. And he lives with her day in, day out and adores her.

But there is a huge difference to actually being the parent of that toddler. It would be unfair to both of them.

But with a different slant....you might not choose to do it for a holiday, ok. Say though you had to go into hospital for a week, would you trust your oldest child to look after your youngest for the week?
What if there were no-one else?

@shammalammadingdong this isn’t an exam love, this is OP asking for views and people responding. Feel free to respond to OP if you feel you can contribute.

I have done. I don't think you know how a forum works, its not just distinct separate responses to the OP. The thread develops and posters talk to each other.
Best not to be rude when you have fundamentally missed the point.

She'll be totally fine. I was a full-time qualified nanny by the time I was 19.

That would be you. I merely asked someone else for an opinion.

The child being without her parents for a week won’t do her any harm, actually may be good for her!
Maybe read up on how children who were never away from their parents are affected?

She's an adult in legal terms, but that's a very different thing to being mature and responsible enough to be in sole charge of a toddler for an entire week, a toddler who will most likely be unsettled and missing their parents. I worked for a professional babysitting company when I was 21 and had a baby who was distraught and also a toddler who was between crying and tantruming the whole evening. I wasn't ready for it at all. Yes, this is different in the fact that the child knows the 19 year old, but it doesn't change the fact that unless you've been a parent yourself, looking after a very young child for a long period of time, with all of the challenges that come with that, is a lot and there are going to be occasions when you are going to be in over your head.

Or there won't be. Everyone seems to be assuming disasters will fall, epic challenges to be overcome.

It's more than possible that the child and the relative will have a fairly easy, even enjoyable week, with the child in their usual routine at nursery all day, and the relative just giving them breakfast, supper and doing bedtime, a bit of playing etc.

I know we all like to make out that looking after a toddler is the hardest thing in the world ever, but it really isn't, most of the time.

In an emergency then yes. That’s completely different.

I wouldn’t for a holiday.

@shammalammadingdong I wasn’t intending to get off on the wrong foot, can we chalk it up to a bad day?! I commented in my situ where my child is ND and just wouldn’t be able to understand why I wasn’t there as part of the daily routine of their day plus wouldn’t understand the concept of passage of time to appreciate when I would return from the holiday. This would be hugely distressing for my child and the long term impact for me would be an extremely clingy child that wouldn’t let me out of their sight.

It’s tough and we all need a break but a week feels like a long time in my opinion, others may feel differently.

Or there won't be. Everyone seems to be assuming disasters will fall, epic challenges to be overcome. It's more than possible that the child and the relative will have a fairly easy, even enjoyable week, with the child in their usual routine at nursery all day, and the relative just giving them breakfast, supper and doing bedtime, a bit of playing etc. I know we all like to make out that looking after a toddler is the hardest thing in the world ever, but it really isn't, most of the time It's not about disasters, epic challenges etc, it's about the fact that a toddler will miss their parents and a week is a long time for a very young child. My dad and his wife recently looked after one of their grandchildren for four nights, before that it had only been an overnight. They had a really difficult time as the toddler wouldn't settle at night and was crying for his mum. These are grandparents who spend a lot of time with a child. Children are very attached at that age and it's normal for them to want their parent, usually their mum. They coped as they've both had their own kids and there were two of them to deal with the situation. My DD was pretty happy to have overnights with family from a young age, but when she was there I had an op and she was away from me for 5 days and at times she was pretty upset and very clingy when we were back together. It's totally normal behaviour at that age.

@Notamum12345577 good point, I will read up. But would be interesting to know if the same theories apply when dealing with children with ND?

*three

But in what sense is it completely different? The effects (if there are any) are the same. Either the 21 year old can do it or they can't. Either the 2 year old is traumatised for life or they aren't.

The only thing that is completely different is your feeling and reasoning. The actual scenario is exactly the same, no matter why its done.

Conversely, my toddler left at that age was completely fine. Did she miss me? I'm sure she did. A toddler doesn't know what a week is, they're not good with time.

You can't assume that it will be difficult at all, is the point. Could be a walk in the park for a sensible 19 year old and a chilled toddler.

Because my 2 year old is extremely hard work.

I’m not saying she would be traumatised or that ds wouldn’t cope. I just wouldn’t do it to him.

Some days by 5pm I’m broken and I’m her parent. I wouldn’t do it to him!

If there was an emergency situation it is totally different. There would be no choice and no time to think.

Good God, you are almost as hard work as dd is.

Conversely, my toddler left at that age was completely fine. Did she miss me? I'm sure she did. A toddler doesn't know what a week is, they're not good with time. You can't assume that it will be difficult at all, is the point. Could be a walk in the park for a sensible 19 year old and a chilled toddler Anything is possible, although there's a larger possibility it won't be. As a parent to a child that young I wouldn't go away for that long. It's a big ask if the toddler is really unsettled. The 19 year old is saying yes, no problem, but it may be a different story if said toddler is crying at night, won't settle etc. Would you be able to enjoy your holiday knowing that was going on? Most people would end up coming home, if it was a young, inexperienced person looking after their child. With grandparents, possibly not. It may be ok, it may not. That's the risk they'll have to take, with the possibility of having to cut their holiday short. Maybe a few trial runs of periods apart would be a way to sound out the situation.

Good God, you are almost as hard work as dd is. 😂

I would not even have looked after any of my grandchildren for more than a couple of nights maximum at that age unless it was for something unavoidable.
Even though I minded them several days a week, the DGC could not have coped with it any better than I would. They were always frantic to see their parents after just a day away from them and would have been distraught with anything more than a one-night separation.

OP, I realise that your DD might be a completely different personality, but even so, I think a whole week sounds way too long for either the child or the nineteen-year old, unless she is already used to being away from you for long periods of time.

Gosh, I'm hard work for pointing out the obvious? I suppose you could just not respond if you're finding it so difficult?

It's a fact that for whatever reason you would leave them, the actual experience would be the exact same. I'm merely pointing out to all that the idea that leaving them for a holiday = trauma and problems and adult couldn't possibly cope and leaving them for unavoidable reasons = all fine and well and everyone can manage perfectly...just doesn't make sense.

I'm just words on a screen. You're not obligated to continually respond to me. It's kinda weird of you to do so and complain that I'm "hard work", don't you think?

Seems a bit selfish to leave your toddler for a whole week