Page 17 | Leaving toddler with 19yr niece for a week

MagicalLife · 2023-05-08T07:42:20+00:00

Myself and DH are getting married in August and we have been looking at sorting out our honeymoon. We have planned to not take DD (2yo) with us and my niece has kindly offered to look house sit and look after her whilst we are away. She will be back from university and I said we would pay her for looking after DD. She has been super involved with her since she was a newborn and has babysat her many many times. AIBU letting her?

LaDamaDeElche · 12/05/2023 13:04

Oldnproud · 12/05/2023 12:37

I would not even have looked after any of my grandchildren for more than a couple of nights maximum at that age unless it was for something unavoidable.
Even though I minded them several days a week, the DGC could not have coped with it any better than I would. They were always frantic to see their parents after just a day away from them and would have been distraught with anything more than a one-night separation.

OP, I realise that your DD might be a completely different personality, but even so, I think a whole week sounds way too long for either the child or the nineteen-year old, unless she is already used to being away from you for long periods of time.

This is very much the norm with such small children. People saying otherwise have children who are the exception to the rule.

treetea · 12/05/2023 13:05

If you trust her, it's absolutely fine. I'd do it.

MuckyPlucky · 12/05/2023 15:55

There’s a huge difference between leaving a 2yr old for a week because it’s unavoidable * *(eg lone parent needs hospital / a family member is ill & needs caring for etc)… and leaving your 2yr old for a week because you fancy it (a child-free holibobs).

I’m amazed some people on here don’t grasp that distinction.

MuckyPlucky · 12/05/2023 15:57

And yes, in both scenarios you risk traumatising the child. But in the former scenario it’s an UNAVOIDABLE risk. In the latter scenario it’s CHOICE to take that risk.

Amazed that’s not being grasped by some.

whumpthereitis · 12/05/2023 15:59

MuckyPlucky · 12/05/2023 15:57

And yes, in both scenarios you risk traumatising the child. But in the former scenario it’s an UNAVOIDABLE risk. In the latter scenario it’s CHOICE to take that risk.

Amazed that’s not being grasped by some.

They’re worlds apart in how they’re perceived by onlookers, not worlds apart in the impact on a kid.

If OP and the niece are happy and she’s confident that her daughter will be fine then she absolutely should feel free to go for it and have a good time.

shammalammadingdong · 12/05/2023 16:01

MuckyPlucky · 12/05/2023 15:57

And yes, in both scenarios you risk traumatising the child. But in the former scenario it’s an UNAVOIDABLE risk. In the latter scenario it’s CHOICE to take that risk.

Amazed that’s not being grasped by some.

It's amazing that you can't grasp that a parent can know if their child is going to be ok or not.

I mean, how hard is that to understand? That OP might be able to assess her child and their needs better than you can, a random on the internet who has never met them?

shammalammadingdong · 12/05/2023 16:06

MuckyPlucky · 12/05/2023 15:55

There’s a huge difference between leaving a 2yr old for a week because it’s unavoidable * *(eg lone parent needs hospital / a family member is ill & needs caring for etc)… and leaving your 2yr old for a week because you fancy it (a child-free holibobs).

I’m amazed some people on here don’t grasp that distinction.

You don't seem able to see that there is no distinction, in any way that matters. The experience is the same for the child and the carer. No difference, no distinction.

The only difference is your feelings about it and the judgement of others. Neither of which make any difference to either the child or the carer.

AMAZED you can't see that.

Oldnproud · 12/05/2023 16:43

shammalammadingdong · 12/05/2023 16:06

You don't seem able to see that there is no distinction, in any way that matters. The experience is the same for the child and the carer. No difference, no distinction.

The only difference is your feelings about it and the judgement of others. Neither of which make any difference to either the child or the carer.

AMAZED you can't see that.

Show quote history

For each individual child who is left in this way, yes, it probably makes no difference to the toddler whether their being left was unavoidable or not.

However, there is a huge difference in the overall number of potentially traumatised toddlers.
Unavoidable instances = small number.

Unavoidable instances + unnecessary instances = a larger number

The smaller the number the better!

Maireas · 12/05/2023 16:43

BallandBoe · 12/05/2023 10:01

She'll be totally fine. I was a full-time qualified nanny by the time I was 19.

Show quote history

She's not a full time qualified nanny. She's a uni student on a break. Up to the OP, but it's a long time away from a 2 year old when it's for a holiday.

Notamum12345577 · 12/05/2023 17:31

oosha · 12/05/2023 11:53

@Notamum12345577 good point, I will read up. But would be interesting to know if the same theories apply when dealing with children with ND?

Could well be different with ND children, I know you have to adjust things a lot depending on how they cope with different situations, so yes maybe leaving a ND kids without parents for the week maybe not be good for them (and on the other hand, may do them the world of good, depends on the kid)

Irritateandunreasonable · 12/05/2023 17:34

Absolutely not.

CabbagePatchDole · 12/05/2023 20:31

MuckyPlucky · 12/05/2023 15:55

There’s a huge difference between leaving a 2yr old for a week because it’s unavoidable * *(eg lone parent needs hospital / a family member is ill & needs caring for etc)… and leaving your 2yr old for a week because you fancy it (a child-free holibobs).

I’m amazed some people on here don’t grasp that distinction.

I don't have kids and I completely get what you're saying and I agree with you. I find the idea quite strange. Why would anyone want to do that? Most people I know would constantly be thinking about their child, but what do I know? Perhaps it's a good thing to be able to go off on holiday and let someone else get on with it with your kid.

I have to qualify what I say by confessing that I had a difficult childhood (including SA) which clouds my judgement. Because of that if I had children I wouldn't leave them with even my best most trusted friend.

GlomOfNit · 12/05/2023 23:31

God, no. With an inexperienced 19 year old? For a whole week?? Wow. It's not exactly a life or death situation, is it?

Actually, I just don't get why people who already have young children think a honeymoon without their kids is ok. Honeymoons are a nice extra but once children are in the equation it's a different situation, surely? There's real trend now of going on holiday and leaving your very young children with friends or relatives. I've always thought it was a bit selfish, even if it must be bloody lovely! I just don't think I could blithely get on a plane with my children's only other parent and leave them like that.

(or maybe I'm just bitter and twisted because we have an autistic and high-needs child who we can never, ever leave with someone else, and nobody else has ever suggested that they do this for us, even for one night....)

Silverfoxette · 14/05/2023 10:49

My first instinct is no, could your niece mind your daughter at your sisters house if there’s room? Maybe your niece is a mature 19 year old but we have a 20 year old working with us and she is a nightmare, I wouldn’t leave my dog with her to go on holiday.
also at that age, I was a nanny and my first week there my employer left me with their 4 month old to go skiing for a week! I had to make several calls to relatives for advice because the baby had a medical condition and then developed a cold and it was just a lot all at once.

Stewball01 · 23/05/2023 14:47

A 19 year old at uni is still a child. My dd when she was 19 was a soldier. I wouldn't have left the baby with her for a week.

Cupcakekiller · 23/05/2023 14:49

I became an Aunty at 16 and regularly looked after DN overnight but a week is a long time to leave a two year old with someone who isn't her parent. Do you really need to go for that long?

quietnightmare · 23/05/2023 15:04

Yea of course it's fine. 100 percent

daverday · 23/05/2023 15:37

I know some 19 year olds who would look after a toddler with ease, others who would struggle to care for a cactus. Depends on your niece.