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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving toddler with 19yr niece for a week

418 replies

MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:42

Myself and DH are getting married in August and we have been looking at sorting out our honeymoon. We have planned to not take DD (2yo) with us and my niece has kindly offered to look house sit and look after her whilst we are away. She will be back from university and I said we would pay her for looking after DD. She has been super involved with her since she was a newborn and has babysat her many many times.

AIBU letting her?

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:52

Gtsr443 · 08/05/2023 08:50

Will you feel confident enough about leaving her with your niece so you can enjoy your honeymoon or will you just fret all the time you're away?

I feel confident yes, she is switched on and would definitely reach out to my sister or my mum if she needed a hand or didn’t know what to do. DD loves it when she comes over as well and is used to DN putting her to bed.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/05/2023 08:52

It's unusual that she's done so much overnight childcare for you at such a young age.

Personally at 19yo I would have really struggled having sole care of someone else's toddler for a week straight - even parents on here struggle when their DH's are away for a week and they're left with sole responsibility.

If she hates it or can't cope would your mum or sister be able to take over completely? What happens if the toddler is sick and can't attend nursery?

00100001 · 08/05/2023 08:53

I wouldn't bother with a honeymoon if it meant leaving a 2 yo behind for an entire week.

katemulberrybush · 08/05/2023 08:53

I wouldn't leave my child for a week.

But only you can judge

NeatCompactSleeper · 08/05/2023 08:54

EV4ME · 08/05/2023 08:51

I don't know why you're asking strangers on the Internet, she sounds perfectly capable. Go have fun.

This is what I was wondering.

Plus, if the info the OP added further into the thread was in the opening post, the voting might've been different.

katemulberrybush · 08/05/2023 08:55

Im in my 40s and no way id want someone else's toddler for a week

Original poster
MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:56

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/05/2023 08:52

It's unusual that she's done so much overnight childcare for you at such a young age.

Personally at 19yo I would have really struggled having sole care of someone else's toddler for a week straight - even parents on here struggle when their DH's are away for a week and they're left with sole responsibility.

If she hates it or can't cope would your mum or sister be able to take over completely? What happens if the toddler is sick and can't attend nursery?

Unfortunately myself and DH both travel for work and sometimes it clashes. DN has always offered to help out and loves being around DD. If she wasn’t so young she would have her own children.

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 08/05/2023 08:57

I wouldn’t leave my child for a week full stop tbh

JE17 · 08/05/2023 08:57

Sounds fine to me. With your DM and DSis practically on the doorstep too it sounds like your DC will be very well cared for.

SparklyBlackKitten · 08/05/2023 08:58

You say you have left her before for 4 nights and she was fine. Well of course she was. She was a baby

She is now a toddler. And she could potentially go full tantrum and sad and all over the place emotionally going mummy mummy?? Mummy? Where is mummy?

Thats not something you should put on the shoulders of your niece.

Yes she babysat overnight before (when baby sleeps) and during the day a few times. Thats hardly the same as the entire week. With a kid that will be looking for its mum and dad....

A support network would still be working and doing their day to day life things op.

I feel like you are being super selfish. Looking after a 2 year old for a few hours is already enough to deplete any adult of their battery. Especially a whole entire week.

All because you want a honeymoon....

Just because she offered doesnt mean you should accept.

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 08/05/2023 08:58

God no but then I wouldn’t leave my two year old for a week anyway.

Bigpinktrain · 08/05/2023 08:59

No I wouldn’t but that’s just me.
when me and my husband went on our honeymoon our DD was 3, she stayed half the week with each grandparent and they found it a lot to cope with. It may be too much to ask a 19yr old

caringcarer · 08/05/2023 09:00

MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:46

Yes she will have a support network, my sister lives about 5 minutes away and my mother lives about 8 minutes away.

She will be going to nursery which is only a short walk from our house.

Show quote history

It sounds fine to me. When I was 15 I babysat my niece. When I was 17 their other child was very sick in hospital and they both wanted to be with the sick child who was expected to die. I moved onto my sister's house for 2 weeks and cared for my 2 years old niece and cooked meals for when my sister and bil popped back to their house to shower then straight back to hospital. It was fine.

SparklyBlackKitten · 08/05/2023 09:00

Selfishness aside

What if all dd does is cry, scream and cry some more And gets even more upset from seeing you when you video chat?
What if she gets covid and is really feeling so ill. And her mum and dad arenr there for her...

How would you be feeling on your honeymoon then?
Your toddler is just that. A TODDLER.
Not a child you can logically explain things to.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/05/2023 09:01

She lives at home still and commutes to university.

Then why did you say "She will be back from University"?

StreetSpirit3 · 08/05/2023 09:03

Could you arrange for your mum and sister to pop over to keep them company or even look after your little one for the day to give your niece a break? I think as long as everyone is on board to help (not just in an emergency) then it should be okay.

willWillSmithsmith · 08/05/2023 09:04

Whataninsight · 08/05/2023 08:45

My gut is… hell no

But there will be posters come along who had four children, brought a house and climbed Everest by 19 so 🤷‍♀️

And took the kids with them while doing so!

Only you know how potentially capable she is but if you’re happy with it there should be a back up plan and support if things get fraught. Parents struggle with their toddlers so it’s not unreasonable to think a nineteen year old niece might have some challenges even if it’s just a week.

RocketIceLollie · 08/05/2023 09:05

It's no different to a 19 year old first time mum. It helps that DD is familiar with her.

doadeer · 08/05/2023 09:07

Wow that's a really long time!

Personally I wouldn't do this, we would only do a night or two

JMSA · 08/05/2023 09:08

I would say no! Shock For a weekend, maybe. But she's young and a week is too long.

Mirabai · 08/05/2023 09:11

So selfish. I wouldn’t be happy leaving a toddler that long, I think you’re kidding yourselves if you think you will be able to relax. Equally no way would I look after someone else’s toddler for that long.

Ponderingwindow · 08/05/2023 09:13

the choice of caregiver seems fine. If she is a responsible person and knows the child well, I wouldn’t be concerned with her being 19.

I do think a full week is too much for a 2yo with any babysitter.

HarrietStyles · 08/05/2023 09:14

I’m going to go against the grain here. If you know that she is a responsible 19 year old, your child has a good relationship with her, she regularly babysits already, child will be going to nursery so she can get a break, you have other family nearby for back up…….. then I would absolutely go for it for your honeymoon. Your relationship with your DH is important too. Many people exhaust themselves dedicating themselves to their children 24/7, martyr themselves to their children and then their mental health and relationship with their other half suffers. It’s ok to take a little time away as a couple, build a strong relationship that benefits your children.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/05/2023 09:16

@MagicalLife - what happens if your DD is unwell and can't attend nursery? Will your niece need to take time off university or work or could your family step in and help her?

It's one thing being in charge overnight but quite another to do it for an entire week and be in loco parentis for that entire time.

Emmamoo89 · 08/05/2023 09:17

HarrietStyles · 08/05/2023 09:14

I’m going to go against the grain here. If you know that she is a responsible 19 year old, your child has a good relationship with her, she regularly babysits already, child will be going to nursery so she can get a break, you have other family nearby for back up…….. then I would absolutely go for it for your honeymoon. Your relationship with your DH is important too. Many people exhaust themselves dedicating themselves to their children 24/7, martyr themselves to their children and then their mental health and relationship with their other half suffers. It’s ok to take a little time away as a couple, build a strong relationship that benefits your children.

I agree with this

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