Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving toddler with 19yr niece for a week

418 replies

MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:42

Myself and DH are getting married in August and we have been looking at sorting out our honeymoon. We have planned to not take DD (2yo) with us and my niece has kindly offered to look house sit and look after her whilst we are away. She will be back from university and I said we would pay her for looking after DD. She has been super involved with her since she was a newborn and has babysat her many many times.

AIBU letting her?

OP posts:
katem98 · 10/05/2023 10:04

I had my first at 20. My sisters were much younger. My 2nd child is 2 and I would happily leave her with my 19yo sister Smile

Brittl · 10/05/2023 10:05

I think it's some weird recent phenomenon to never go anywhere without your child. I have really fond memories as a child staying at my grandma's for days at a time then I used to go to my aunties for 2 weeks over the school holidays. I don't remember feeling sad I enjoyed the time spent with extended family there was no WhatsApp or video chats either. We are all really close now I'm sad my DD doesn't have the same thing.

Goodread1 · 10/05/2023 10:09

Depends on how emotionally mature and responsible , how reliable she is, !

A week is quite a long time to do thus @MagicalLife

How much of a support system has she got to depend on, or you have put in place for her then?

ejbaxa · 10/05/2023 10:09

I am also confused as to why you are posting. You are happy to leave the child, someone competent is happy to have her. Many of us would not leave a 2yo for a week in order to have a holiday/honeymoon. But, that's up to you - not us. As I say, I am not sure why you're posting.

Lizzt2007 · 10/05/2023 10:12

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/05/2023 12:04

Yeah, I kind of feel a bit like this as well. It's taking advantage of a young girl who probably doesn't really know how to say "no".

OP, are you paying her for this, and providing food, nappies etc?

Show quote history

Niece offered, op didn't ask.

Goodread1 · 10/05/2023 10:13

Also @MagicalLife

Can you ensure her mobile tel has enough credit , that she can get in touch with you for heaven forbid a emergency or just to let you know how things just are whilst looking after your baby,..

Greycloudlooming · 10/05/2023 10:14

Brittl · 10/05/2023 09:58

Is this stealth shaming? Well done for not leaving your DC overnight until the age of 6. In the real world its nice for DC to spend time with extended family its not a nanny.

Show quote history

Not at all, just my personal experience. If you took that as shaming (??!!) then I’m sorry you interpreted it that way. You know, we are allowed to say what our personal experiences are without intentionally shaming others who do life differently.
Sometimes feels like you can’t say “I breastfed” or “birthed vaginally” without causing shame to someone.
If OP wants to leave her toddler for a week then that’s her decision. Makes zero difference to my life. Just because I wouldn’t do the same doesn’t mean I’m shaming her or anyone else who would! Man oh man.

videonasty · 10/05/2023 10:17

I was married with a baby at 19. It will be fine.

Ariela · 10/05/2023 10:20

Absolutely no problem with this. However I'd really encourage you to pay for your niece to do a first aid course, just in case anything crops up. Ideally a paediatric one, but if not EFAW. It'll look great on her CV too - and some employers pay you extra to be a nominated first aider (3 day course may be needed for that)

Pluvia · 10/05/2023 10:21

I was the village go-to for babysitting and childminding from the age of 15. I was reliable, first-aid trained and apparently good with children. After my first term at university I took a three-week job looking after someone's 7-year-old for five 8-hour days. The child took to me and didn't leave me alone for five minutes unless I locked myself in the loo. Come the summer holidays I decided to pick fruit and veg to make money — because back-breaking work in a field in all weathers was easier than looking after a child.

I'm sure your niece means well, OP, but there's a massive difference between baby-sitting and looking after a child for a few hours and having to care for it all day, every day without relief. Two-year-olds need a lot of input. If your niece is a typical student she spends many hours each day on her phone. How's she going to cope all week without that?

FinalCowdown · 10/05/2023 10:32

I looked after my sister’s 3 kids at 19 for 3 weeks. They were all under 4. It was absolutely fine! They’re 6, 7, 8 now and I find them more difficult and relentless now

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/05/2023 10:33

MagicalLife · 08/05/2023 08:56

Unfortunately myself and DH both travel for work and sometimes it clashes. DN has always offered to help out and loves being around DD. If she wasn’t so young she would have her own children.

Show quote history

But she is so young.

What is the longest time she has ever been solely responsible for your DD?

If she has looked after her for 4 days?

Extending it to a week would be fine.

If it's only ever been 1-2 days? No way.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/05/2023 10:37

I do hood OP that if you do go ahead with this, then it’ll be at the going rate, and not friends and family rate. But am guessing it’ll probably be peanuts cos it’s family innit?!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/05/2023 10:42

The other thing I’d do is:-

  • have cleaner round
  • have ready meals/ready prepped meals a available and/or takeaway budget
  • budget left for activities or extra costs
  • full food shop
  • activities arranged
  • fully stocked medicine box and details of local walk in clinic etc
  • does DN know what to do if eg power cut, is locked out, plumbing issues?
  • are there plug guards etc over sockets?

Does DN drive? Would she be expected to drive to eg soft play with your DD or is this walkable? Are there other classes outside nursery which your DD can be taken to by DN?

angelicaelizapeggy · 10/05/2023 10:57

Brittl · 10/05/2023 10:05

I think it's some weird recent phenomenon to never go anywhere without your child. I have really fond memories as a child staying at my grandma's for days at a time then I used to go to my aunties for 2 weeks over the school holidays. I don't remember feeling sad I enjoyed the time spent with extended family there was no WhatsApp or video chats either. We are all really close now I'm sad my DD doesn't have the same thing.

Same, I absolutely loved full weekends with my granny and grandad from the age of about 3 or 4. Such special times and memories. Also stays with my cousins at my aunt and uncles.

I also feel sad my child doesn’t really get to experience the same thing. It was definitely a huge privilege and benefit to have all that loving extended family.

JupiterFortified · 10/05/2023 10:58

She’s 19, old enough to have her own kids,
be married, drive etc etc. If she’s responsible and you trust her then I don’t see the big deal. Go and enjoy your honeymoon :)

RumbleMum · 10/05/2023 11:29

Brittl · 10/05/2023 10:05

I think it's some weird recent phenomenon to never go anywhere without your child. I have really fond memories as a child staying at my grandma's for days at a time then I used to go to my aunties for 2 weeks over the school holidays. I don't remember feeling sad I enjoyed the time spent with extended family there was no WhatsApp or video chats either. We are all really close now I'm sad my DD doesn't have the same thing.

Completely agree with this. ExDH and I went to NY for a long weekend when DS1 was this age and got stuck for a week because of hurricane Sandy. While I struggled, DS had a wonderful time with my Mum and it really cemented the closeness of their relationship.

If you are confident a) your DD will be happy with DN (sounds like they have a lovely relationship) b) DN knows what she’s in for and will ask for help from family if needed and c) you’ll be ok for a week without DD, I would go for it.

Lou239 · 10/05/2023 11:40

I think you should get off your high horse. Some people just enjoy babysitting for their family. I have loved babysitting for my family members since I was 15. I think it is entirely down to OP and DN. if DN does not mind then what’s the problem? Child will be in nursery and 2 other relatives live close by. As parents they are allowed a honey moon. How disgusting to suggest otherwise.

Pluvia · 10/05/2023 11:50

Baby-sitting is entirely different from having sole full-time care for a child 24/7 for days at a time. If the 19-year-old has only ever done a few hours, and possibly with the child in bed for some of that time, she can have absolutely no idea of the intensity involved. Will she really be prepared to get up at 6.30am if the toddler is wide awake? She's a student: they aren't renowned for early starts!

Ltlangel · 10/05/2023 12:01

Your niece is obviously confident in her ability to care for your daughter, otherwise she wouldn't have offered. She is an adult, who your daughter knows well and has a very good relationship with and your mum and sister are both within a short distance if she did get overwhelmed or need help or support. Go and enjoy your honeymoon 😊

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 12:03

Pluvia · 10/05/2023 11:50

Baby-sitting is entirely different from having sole full-time care for a child 24/7 for days at a time. If the 19-year-old has only ever done a few hours, and possibly with the child in bed for some of that time, she can have absolutely no idea of the intensity involved. Will she really be prepared to get up at 6.30am if the toddler is wide awake? She's a student: they aren't renowned for early starts!

She won't have sole full time care 24/7, the child is going to nursery full time! She also has plenty of backup with other family.

Plenty of students get up early.

Rewis · 10/05/2023 12:09

Brittl · 10/05/2023 10:05

I think it's some weird recent phenomenon to never go anywhere without your child. I have really fond memories as a child staying at my grandma's for days at a time then I used to go to my aunties for 2 weeks over the school holidays. I don't remember feeling sad I enjoyed the time spent with extended family there was no WhatsApp or video chats either. We are all really close now I'm sad my DD doesn't have the same thing.

My grandmother always moved to her "holiday home" (her parents basic old farm house at the countryside) for the summer. All of her grandkids would go there and sometimes parents were there, sometimes aunts and uncles, sometimes just grandma. But basically we'd be there on random interwalls through the summer. It was amazing. I'm kinda sad my kids won't ever get to experience this.

Happypoppies · 10/05/2023 12:11

angelicaelizapeggy · 10/05/2023 10:57

Same, I absolutely loved full weekends with my granny and grandad from the age of about 3 or 4. Such special times and memories. Also stays with my cousins at my aunt and uncles.

I also feel sad my child doesn’t really get to experience the same thing. It was definitely a huge privilege and benefit to have all that loving extended family.

Show quote history

I think a lot of the reasons behind people not doing this is just down to how working life has changed for women.
My mother is 72 and she didn’t work when we were young and my grandmother didn’t and neither did any of my aunts. Everyone has oodles of time (but no money!!)

Now that most mothers work and grandparents are often still working when grandchildren are young , there is just much more pressure on family time

checktoolate · 10/05/2023 12:12

HarrietStyles · 08/05/2023 09:14

I’m going to go against the grain here. If you know that she is a responsible 19 year old, your child has a good relationship with her, she regularly babysits already, child will be going to nursery so she can get a break, you have other family nearby for back up…….. then I would absolutely go for it for your honeymoon. Your relationship with your DH is important too. Many people exhaust themselves dedicating themselves to their children 24/7, martyr themselves to their children and then their mental health and relationship with their other half suffers. It’s ok to take a little time away as a couple, build a strong relationship that benefits your children.

Exactly! Go for it. Your niece will be fine. It'll be a life experience for her too. Enjoy your honeymoon.

BenjiBungee · 10/05/2023 12:13

With all the information now given, this sounds okay to me.

OP you were always going to get nonsense answers from people who think their children should be treated like children until at least their mid-20s, and that having or even looking after a baby anything below 35 is "too young".

Some people seem to live on a different planet these days, infantilising university students and other young people, and I can't help but feel this is detrimental to those young people and society as a whole. I and a lot of my friends, and now my children who are young adults, do not recognise this as the default and you don't need to go back many generations to find much higher levels of young people of 19 with responsible jobs (having left school at 14, 15 or 16), getting married, setting up home, starting to have children, and even if not that yet (girls especially) still having looked after other people's children for years already. Humans didn't inherently become less competent suddenly! (If brought up to be so that is, and taking different rates of maturing into account of course.)

Although it is the specifics of this case, and not 'any 19 yo who has done a bit of babysitting and seems fairly responsible' that I am in support of, to be clear. The DN is mature and experienced with this child, has support, and the toddler is used to being left with her and the wider family.