Page 14 | Leaving toddler with 19yr niece for a week

MagicalLife · 2023-05-08T07:42:20+00:00

Myself and DH are getting married in August and we have been looking at sorting out our honeymoon. We have planned to not take DD (2yo) with us and my niece has kindly offered to look house sit and look after her whilst we are away. She will be back from university and I said we would pay her for looking after DD. She has been super involved with her since she was a newborn and has babysat her many many times. AIBU letting her?

Delatron · 10/05/2023 12:14

Brittl · 10/05/2023 10:05

I think it's some weird recent phenomenon to never go anywhere without your child. I have really fond memories as a child staying at my grandma's for days at a time then I used to go to my aunties for 2 weeks over the school holidays. I don't remember feeling sad I enjoyed the time spent with extended family there was no WhatsApp or video chats either. We are all really close now I'm sad my DD doesn't have the same thing.

Yeah me too. We stayed at my Grandmas many weekends. We loved it. Then in the summer holidays we used to stay with her for 2 weeks with my cousin. Very happy memories.

It’s ridiculous this - you can’t leave them for more than a few hours malarkey. More fool them for never having a break! From a toddler. My parents definitely had the right idea. Fortunately they often look after my kids too and as a consequence have a close relationship.

BenjiBungee · 10/05/2023 12:19

I think it's some weird recent phenomenon to never go anywhere without your child.

Indeed. There is a full range of weird recent phenomenons to do with parenting that can't be doing anyone much good.

Brittl · 10/05/2023 12:23

Happypoppies · 10/05/2023 12:11

I think a lot of the reasons behind people not doing this is just down to how working life has changed for women.
My mother is 72 and she didn’t work when we were young and my grandmother didn’t and neither did any of my aunts. Everyone has oodles of time (but no money!!)

Now that most mothers work and grandparents are often still working when grandchildren are young , there is just much more pressure on family time

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My grandma did work but she worked in hospital so not regular 9-5 work . My DD has had one overnight in 10 years of being alive at my parents. MIL is better but prefers looking after SILs kids she prefers them younger for some bizarre reason. I was always at my grans house and my DF lives 10 minutes up the road , I think they just aren't as interested in extended families nowadays. 😒

Brittl · 10/05/2023 12:25

Ironically my grandparents on maternal side are more interested in spending time with DD and they are in their 90s!! They take her out shopping, ice cream its a shame they live so far away. I think it might be a silent generation trait.

Brittl · 10/05/2023 12:35

BenjiBungee · 10/05/2023 12:13

With all the information now given, this sounds okay to me.

OP you were always going to get nonsense answers from people who think their children should be treated like children until at least their mid-20s, and that having or even looking after a baby anything below 35 is "too young".

Some people seem to live on a different planet these days, infantilising university students and other young people, and I can't help but feel this is detrimental to those young people and society as a whole. I and a lot of my friends, and now my children who are young adults, do not recognise this as the default and you don't need to go back many generations to find much higher levels of young people of 19 with responsible jobs (having left school at 14, 15 or 16), getting married, setting up home, starting to have children, and even if not that yet (girls especially) still having looked after other people's children for years already. Humans didn't inherently become less competent suddenly! (If brought up to be so that is, and taking different rates of maturing into account of course.)

Although it is the specifics of this case, and not 'any 19 yo who has done a bit of babysitting and seems fairly responsible' that I am in support of, to be clear. The DN is mature and experienced with this child, has support, and the toddler is used to being left with her and the wider family.

It's actually really scary how people infantilise young adults. People say prince Harry is young he's nearly middle aged !!!!

How are children going to cope with adulthood if they aren't trusted to do anything.

Mumarrama · 10/05/2023 12:39

Sorry you are getting hassle for this. It sounds like DN has experience with your child and is happy with her. If DD has nursery it won't be full time and you can always give your sister and mum heads up so they give DN a break.

As a parent I feel it's important that you make sure your child is happy, safe and looked after. It doesn't have to be by you, making sure there is a set up so you can go away and they are looked after/loved is not selfish. Spending time with your husband would be great for your relationship and got you to recharge. If you have a support network who are volunteering to enable you to go then get booking.... and count your blessings!

I would of course make sure that sister/mum are aware and even booked in to support DN. I would also make sure you pay DN and don't take advantage.... it's the right thing to do but also partly so that they are potentially happy to do this again in the future!

geoqueen · 10/05/2023 14:49

Absolutely not unreasonable, yes some 19 yos would not be capable enough to look after a toddler for a week but you are the only one who knows her personally. I worked in a nursery at 20 and was more than capable. People arguing ‘14 year olds can be mothers doesn’t mean they are capable’ yes but 19 is an adult. 14 is not. Good if she has someone nearby to call in an emergency. Other than that, relax, it’ll be fine!

Notamum12345577 · 10/05/2023 15:14

Iminthemoneylife · 08/05/2023 08:47

A week is a long time to leave a toddler.

What, in general? Or with a 19 year with no kids of their own? If in general, it’s not massively uncommon.

Notamum12345577 · 10/05/2023 15:20

SparklyBlackKitten · 08/05/2023 08:58

You say you have left her before for 4 nights and she was fine. Well of course she was. She was a baby

She is now a toddler. And she could potentially go full tantrum and sad and all over the place emotionally going mummy mummy?? Mummy? Where is mummy?

Thats not something you should put on the shoulders of your niece.

Yes she babysat overnight before (when baby sleeps) and during the day a few times. Thats hardly the same as the entire week. With a kid that will be looking for its mum and dad....

A support network would still be working and doing their day to day life things op.

I feel like you are being super selfish. Looking after a 2 year old for a few hours is already enough to deplete any adult of their battery. Especially a whole entire week.

All because you want a honeymoon....

Just because she offered doesnt mean you should accept.

Doesn’t because you wouldn’t, doesn’t make her selfish

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 15:21

IME, people decide if its terrible depending on why you do it.

Leave 2 year old for a week for a holiday: you monster, how could you, your child will be scarred for life.

Leave 2 year old for a week for work: Well its not ideal but I guess if you have to its not the end of the world.

Leave 2 year old for a week because you are with another child in hospital: Oh, don't think about it, 2 year old will be totally fine, don't feel guilty, they'll hardly notice and will be fine with grandparents....

Nonsense, obviously.

Notamum12345577 · 10/05/2023 15:24

00100001 · 08/05/2023 08:53

I wouldn't bother with a honeymoon if it meant leaving a 2 yo behind for an entire week.

And that is totally fair and up to you. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t also totally fair for the poster to do it.

Notamum12345577 · 10/05/2023 15:30

HarrietStyles · 08/05/2023 09:14

I’m going to go against the grain here. If you know that she is a responsible 19 year old, your child has a good relationship with her, she regularly babysits already, child will be going to nursery so she can get a break, you have other family nearby for back up…….. then I would absolutely go for it for your honeymoon. Your relationship with your DH is important too. Many people exhaust themselves dedicating themselves to their children 24/7, martyr themselves to their children and then their mental health and relationship with their other half suffers. It’s ok to take a little time away as a couple, build a strong relationship that benefits your children.

👍

berksandbeyond · 10/05/2023 16:30

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 15:21

IME, people decide if its terrible depending on why you do it.

Leave 2 year old for a week for a holiday: you monster, how could you, your child will be scarred for life.

Leave 2 year old for a week for work: Well its not ideal but I guess if you have to its not the end of the world.

Leave 2 year old for a week because you are with another child in hospital: Oh, don't think about it, 2 year old will be totally fine, don't feel guilty, they'll hardly notice and will be fine with grandparents....

Nonsense, obviously.

well yeah, the circumstances can change the outcome?

borrow a tenner from your kids piggy bank to buy bread and milk = fine
steal a tenner from your kids piggy bank to buy fags = not so fine

xxx82 · 10/05/2023 16:46

I did this for my cousin’s little girl when I was 18.

She could be a parent herself at her age. And if she knows your daughter well and you trust her then go for it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/05/2023 16:51

berksandbeyond · 10/05/2023 16:30

well yeah, the circumstances can change the outcome?

borrow a tenner from your kids piggy bank to buy bread and milk = fine
steal a tenner from your kids piggy bank to buy fags = not so fine

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I think the point is if a 2 year old would be fine for a week if OP was working away or if OP had to stay in hospital then she will also be fine for a week if OP goes on holiday.

If she’s going to be ‘distraught’ and ‘traumatised’, the reason wouldn’t magically change that.

berksandbeyond · 10/05/2023 17:18

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/05/2023 16:51

I think the point is if a 2 year old would be fine for a week if OP was working away or if OP had to stay in hospital then she will also be fine for a week if OP goes on holiday.

If she’s going to be ‘distraught’ and ‘traumatised’, the reason wouldn’t magically change that.

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no I think it’s that you’d have to be a real dickhead to tell a parent who had a child in hospital that their other child could be distraught and traumatised. In an emergency situation, we all have to make choices that are less than ideal. This is not an emergency situation.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/05/2023 17:31

berksandbeyond · 10/05/2023 17:18

no I think it’s that you’d have to be a real dickhead to tell a parent who had a child in hospital that their other child could be distraught and traumatised. In an emergency situation, we all have to make choices that are less than ideal. This is not an emergency situation.

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Or the child, who has been left for up to 4 days at a time already and is used to family members caring for her already when her parents are away for work will be absolutely fine. Especially since her routine will continue as normal with nursery etc.

berksandbeyond · 10/05/2023 17:32

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/05/2023 17:31

Or the child, who has been left for up to 4 days at a time already and is used to family members caring for her already when her parents are away for work will be absolutely fine. Especially since her routine will continue as normal with nursery etc.

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Cool, that’s your opinion 👍

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/05/2023 18:39

Rewis · 10/05/2023 08:34

Those saying that op is unreasonable. Is the issue that she's 19 or you wouldn't leave your toddler for a week in general? I think those are 2 very different things.

Both.

LT1982 · 10/05/2023 20:19

Age is irrelevant as you could have a 19 yo who's great with children or a 29 yo who isn't. Only you know the relationship she has with your daughter and how responsible she is

CabbagePatchDole · 10/05/2023 22:29

I think you would be better off asking people if they have ever left their toddler with a 19 year old and how it went. I have noticed that MNers are very quick to say things are OK when talking about other people's children, but I have a feeling it would be a different story if it was actually their own child.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/05/2023 23:24

CabbagePatchDole · 10/05/2023 22:29

I think you would be better off asking people if they have ever left their toddler with a 19 year old and how it went. I have noticed that MNers are very quick to say things are OK when talking about other people's children, but I have a feeling it would be a different story if it was actually their own child.

Would I leave my child with a random 19 year old who I didn’t know well and they didn’t know my child well? No but I would also say no in that case if you changed the aged to 29.

Would I leave my child with a family member who is trusted, sensible, happens to be 19 and has already looked after my child many times before including putting them to bed when I was travelling for work? Absolutely.

Erex · 10/05/2023 23:49

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 15:21

IME, people decide if its terrible depending on why you do it.

Leave 2 year old for a week for a holiday: you monster, how could you, your child will be scarred for life.

Leave 2 year old for a week for work: Well its not ideal but I guess if you have to its not the end of the world.

Leave 2 year old for a week because you are with another child in hospital: Oh, don't think about it, 2 year old will be totally fine, don't feel guilty, they'll hardly notice and will be fine with grandparents....

Nonsense, obviously.

Also

Can I leave my child with a responsible 19 year old?
Absolutely not, she's practically a child, barely old enough to look after herself, she won't know what's hit her!

Do I have to take my 18 year old on holiday? I don't want to have to pay for them and give them spending money.
Definitely not, 18 is old enough to live independently and have a job - they're an adult! Fine to leave them at home or demand they pay their own way if they want to go!

RatatouilleAndFeta · 11/05/2023 06:28

I used to nanny for kids at that age. If you trust her then go for it.

Juststopamoment · 11/05/2023 18:10

Why can’t your mum and sister take care of your daughter? If they work couldn’t they share the week?