Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

That's unnecessarily harsh.
We're dealing with the limits of text communication here, and extrapolating one remark on generalised differences to op hating women is way too far a step.
Let's reel in the backlash before going fully to town on what a hateful specimen you think you're seeing.
Op has expressed nothing other than consideration and empathy for others, and I don't think taking offence at someone trying to convey their life experiences in one broad brush generalised comment which would undoubtedly have more layers of nuance behind it than is typed out on a phone is fair.

For example, I'd rather talk about motorbikes than dieting but it's rare I ever meet a woman who's ever had a motorbike. Not interested in too much "grandkids" talk, would rather discuss politics.

I’ve never talked about dieting or grandchildren with another woman. Have had plenty of discussions about politics and a couple about motorbikes. I don’t recognise the picture you’re painting of women here.

And actually IME it’s the men who won’t shut up about their grandkids. Are you sure you haven’t got the sexes confused?

And none of the men I know would know anything about motorbikes. These aren't gendered interests. These are interests that are specific to people who have interests in them. There is nothing in that Y chromosome that makes men more likely to like motorbikes.

I'm amazed at the turn of this thread! Of course more men than women ride motorbikes. More than four out of five motorbike owners are men (2018 figs).
https://www.thedrive.com/motorcycles/25290/nearly-twice-as-many-women-are-riding-motorcycles-compared-to-a-decade-ago

That doesn't mean that women can't or don't ride motorbikes. Just that it is predominantly a male interest.

Likewise, I personally have never got my nails done, but I can see with my own eyes that this is generally a female interest.

Look at building sites - most builders are male. This doesn't mean there aren't women builders, or that individual posters won't be interested in bricklaying. But statistically the majority of bricklayers are male.

@LozengeShaped 👌

Totally agree. As it happens I am a female builder... and I know I'm an anomoly, and that isn't an insult to humankind it's just how it is. I can know this is generally true and know that there is personal variation at the individual level, as I imagine most people do.

This is so accurate.

Forget everything else, intense smeshtense, but isn't it like the most basic of etiquette to carry at least a bottle of wine or similar small offering when you are invited to a sit down lunch at someone's house. It's like, the most basic thing to do. That's something one does, irrespective of whatever culture they belong to / were raised in. This woman, well into her 50s, didn't even bother to do that? OP, you seriously dodged a bullet.

(I am ND and it just annoys me so much that people are defending this rude woman in the name of ND)

If someone invited me for Sunday lunch I would expect to be there for the early afternoon. Exactly as you thought it would go is exactly the same as what I thought. I'm so sorry this lady didn't see it the same. I would feel used too. I also don't have many female friends just acquaintances. Keep your chin up and maybe try again.

If you invite someone for lunch you don't own them for the day.

I invited someone for Sunday lunch. She had to go and pick her teenage daughter up from a football match straight after the lunch.

You don't own anyone for the whole day, OP.

Where does OP say she expected the woman to stay all afternoon, let alone all day?

Eh she says it in her first post?

She says that she expected the woman to stay for a couple of hours after Sunday lunch.

You say you're not very interested in "grandkids talk" as you put it. She obviously is interested in talking about her grandchildren- you said so in your OP.

Perhaps she picked up on your disdain!

Can't believe some of the responses here.
I actually laughed out loud at the thinking OP might be sexually interested in her all because she was invited to hers for Sunday lunch. Truly ridiculous.
OP, One thing that did strike me (giving her the benefit of the doubt) was that maybe she was anxious or struggles with social events like these so told herself she would just come along for the lunch and then go. Or she may be autistic. Problem is we don't know her and neither do you really to make an informed judgement.
I would let this slide and focus on other people OP. For what it's worth, I would feel put out and a bit hurt but I would make a guess that this is all about her and nothing to do with you personally.

I'm not at all interested in 'grandkids talk' as I, too put it, and more than a little amount would seriously bore me. I think 'disdain' is a strong word to use about such a feeling.

I think however that for the sake of being friendly I might indulge a bit of grandkid stuff, and maybe hope to dampen it by polite gentle relative lack of enthusiasm. My mother recently said to me 'I'm glad you don't go on about bloody babies like your sister'.

You sound lovely. Also busy with a job, a boyfriend and house mates. Men are easier to be friends with and women are hard work, if I was you I’d leave my life as is! Sorry for the rude lunch guest!

I feel like she doesn't like you that much to have scheduled a lift, after 40 minutes! Yeah it was rude.

What is bizarre is that she must have prearranged the lift before the lunch. As OP said she didn’t send the text when there. So she didn’t even give herself the chance to see how things went and see if she’d like to stay longer. She’d already decided. Which is pretty rude. Had you served dessert OP?

Also, we know it’s only a mile to OP’s house so she didn’t even really need a lift. She could have easily have walked home.
It seems to me like she agreed to the roast on the spur of the moment. Then decided she didn’t want to stay long so arranged the lift with her son. All very rude behaviour.

Could you have maybe just said the guest was rude without being unkind to the OP first?

I wonder if she was a bit unnerved by the invitation to lunch at your house, and consequently arranged for her son to come and bail her out after less than an hour? I would have invited her (and her husband) to lunch with me and my boyfriend at the local carvery.

What a rude woman! I'm sorry you have found out the hard way that she's selfish, but you've had a lucky escape - she isn't friend material

I’m not sure how long you think she should have been there? Yes I think I’d be a bit miffed if someone basically ate and ran, but at the same time, maybe she had another engagement that afternoon? Some people just don’t like sitting around chatting, they even feel uncomfortable. Put it down to experience and just get on with life.

But we live in a culture where it's rude and hurtful to give the impression that you're just there for the food. There are cultural obligations to follow if you don't want to look like a twat and cause hurt.

There are absolutely no cultural obligations! The only obligations are because we have insisted that there are certain ways to act and been raised that way. Cultural obligations is another way of someone saying “you’re obviously not one of us if you act this or that way” and it’s total bollox!

With respect, of course there are cultural or shared expectations of the amount of time one would expect something to last or to spend in a social context!

Sunday lunch that someone has invited you to their home for and taken trouble and expense preparing food for you- at least a couple of hours, preferably a bit longer. If you have a prearranged commitment, then you should apologise and let your host know in advance why you can't stay long.

Coffee or a walk- probably less than 2 hours.

Obviously these are not set in stone, but they are a general guide that most people in the UK follow to some extent.

Ridiculous to pretend otherwise!