Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

You have quite a bizarre idea of what "women" are. You're not describing "women", you're describing people. Everyone is different. Plenty of men fit in your women category. If you're not being yourself with them then they're going to notice and find you fake. So be yourself. If your self isn't compatible with them, then so be it. But pretending to be someone you're not is pointless.

I don't think it necessarily does make you autistic (and I have a very ND family) but perhaps slightly unfortunate in the women you have been making friends with. That's not what I'm like, nor many of the women I know, but if that's your perception it's either bad luck or there are signals you're not reading. I have both male and female friends, and have definitely fallen out with some over the years over small things (perhaps my own ADHD?), but I find great warmth and support from my female friends.

Also, as others have said, the idea of a group of female friends isn't the reality for a lot of people. It's a media thing, and some people have that group and are happy about it, but many others don't, and it can be a recipe for big issues with dynamics!

Friends come in lots of shapes and they are as valuable whatever. At least that's what I reckon.

There's loads of ladies like you op - I'm one and you sound like someone who would fit right in with my friends. 👌
Keep looking, I found my tribe of fellow souls at my sports club, so maybe you just have to turn over the right rocks to find them.
But honestly, I can't imagine when wether you have many or few female friends comes up in conversation, and I think if you have friends male or female that's a win.... So I wonder whether it looms large in your mind because you are worried about why it is, when probably you could accept the way you are and that you are appreciated by the right people. ☺️

Sorry to raise this but could she have misinterpreted your enthusiasm as sexual interest and was a bit worried therefore set up a get out?

Maybe stop worrying about having women friends and enjoy those you have. It's not right or wrong to get on better with men / women.

Personally I have lots of women friends and most of my male friends are the partners of my female friends. But that's probably mostly due to the fact I have mainly had women colleagues (many of my friends are ex colleagues) and have interests that are also female dominated. Some are from when I was at school - a girls school. I'd be happy to have more male friends but I can see why I don't.

If you have lots of friends, who cares if they are male or female? If you are lonely and never have anyone to hang out with, that's one thing. But it sounds like you have lots of friends. I think you can let yourself off the hook.

You sound exactly like me @Tabitha1960 I totally get what you are saying about female friends vs males. It’s good to know it’s not just me!

I feel far more relaxed in male company than women. I too wish I had more female friends. You sound braver than me though.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with your most recent post.

You've said you feel nervous and uncomfortable around women and that you think they judge you. This is likely to come across to women you are meeting and contribute to why the friendships don't develop.

I also think it's very different to incite someone for lunch one to one and spend a long time preparing ( it just puts pressure on the situation and means you have too much investment in the event). What you described where you were invited for a group lunch is very different as there is not so much pressure on one person getting on with another, there's a variety of conversations to be had.

I will just say that I didn't meet any of my friends by trying to find friends or attending groups that I have no interest in. Friendships tends to just develop organically when you're naturally in a situation with people, like you've described the development of your relationships with male friends.

Women make me a bit nervous. They always seem to be very judgmental and unforgiving

This stereotyping of an entire gender makes me feel sad. It’s akin to saying all men are just after sex. You are a woman- are you judgemental and unforgiving? Or do you consider yourself different to other women? If you aren’t like that, why isn’t it possible other women aren’t either? I’ve met some vile men in my time but that’s them and not indicative of all men

If you have several really good men friends, I would stick with them. Some women I know do seem to have more men friends, especially if they have hobbies where they are more likely to meet men. I don't see it as an issue, I mainly have female friends I meet them mainly at work and sadly inviting a lone male for lunch at my house might be misconstrued, although most of my male colleagues are very nice and friendly on a superficial level.

If you have lots of acquaintances and a few good friends, this is pretty good going in life and I wouldn't worry about having a picture-perfect image of women bonding if it's just not quite your thing (and you've tried already to make it work).

Well, I don’t think anyone is now wondering why you don’t have any female friends, with this kind of unpleasant gender stereotyping.

I am rather a tomboy type, though and have always preferred traditionally "male" pursuits to female ones

Oh please. What exactly are "female pursuits"? - shopping and applying fake eyelashes I presume? This is really ignorant stereotyping. I know plenty of women who are interested in what you might determine "male pursuits" and equally, many men who enjoy activities/jobs that have always been traditionally female roles. If you are this determined to confine people to boxes then honestly, its really no wonder why you struggle to make female friends. I would not be particularly interested in making friends with someone with such restrictive views on what it means to be a man or a woman- its 2023, not 1900. You say you find women judgemental and yet you are being incredibly judgemental yourself- can you not see the massive irony here?

I had empathy with your situation at first but the more you express your views around gender, the more it becomes less of a mystery why you are struggling to connect with people- especially women.

She sounds insensitive. I’d let go and wait for her to suggest something. If she doesn’t let go

OP she was rude as hell. It's her, not you.

Sorry you're embarrassed about not having female friends but what does it matter? You have a good career, a boyfriend and friends in your life. Keep going, you're doing great.

Well she's met my boyfriend twice and I know she was married, and I didn't flirt or leer or make innuendo so she'd be crazy to imagine that.

OP I just wanted to say you sound great and I'd be honoured to be invited to lunch with you. That's all.

You are pretending not to know what "female pursuits" are? Really? Do you think Dadsnet would have the identical categories, identical problems and identical posts as we see every day on Mumsnet?

I don't have "views around gender". I have eyes and ears and 60 years of watching and listening.

I've met goodness knows how many hundreds of women and men in my time, socially, professionally and within my own extended family. The topics a group of men talk about are completely different from the topics a group of women talk about. Are you denying that? Have you never spent a few hours in a busy hairdressing salon and listened to the various conversations women have with each other? Do you think the men in the barber's next door are talking about the same things as the women?

I spent several years in an all-female workplace and several in an all-male workplace and the interests, hobbies and conversations of the two groups are completely different.

I guess you think you are being very woke and "PC" trying to pretend the sexes are identical, but in reality they are not and everyone who is being honest knows it!

Don't be disheartened op there are lots of people out there :) you sound lovely and plenty of people will enjoy your company I'm sure x

I think it was a lovely suggestion of lunch. She could have stayed an hour at least. Maybe mention was her son ok when she left as you had bought desert and was hoping she could have stayed longer. Maybe next time, see what she says.

I suppose it's because I have always been a radical feminist politically and it seems very odd that someone with those beliefs has almost no female friends. I have far more in common with men in my hobbies, my humour, my career, my chosen themes of conversation. For example, I'd rather talk about motorbikes than dieting but it's rare I ever meet a woman who's ever had a motorbike. Not interested in too much "grandkids" talk, would rather discuss politics.

Some people on this thread deny that men and women have different interests and hobbies. I can only assume they go about life with their eyes and ears shut.

So many women on this thread have said they would like to be invited to lunch with me, maybe I should hire a hall and have a massive, catered lunch!!!!!

Did you happen to mention your entrenched views on gender to your lunch guest, by any chance? Because they’re neither true nor attractive. And I say this as a fifty year old woman with a lifetime of male and female friendships which are testament chiefly to the glorious variety of both, patriarchy and gendered socialisation notwithstanding.

You actually sound more like a misogynist than a feminist. You should have a think about how you talk to women. Women aren't stupid. We know when someone is being fake with us.

That was before you emerged as a woman who dislikes other women.

@Tabitha1960 aren't you a bit old to play the "I'm not like the other girls" game?