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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

458 replies

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

OP posts:
mrsplum2015 · 09/05/2023 11:55

It's really tricky
I struggle with partner relationships but seem to make friends as if they are growing on trees
I never really make too much effort and I would actually be struggling to cope with a one to one Sunday lunch as a first meeting or even at all.
My friends and I generally don't eat together we would go for a walk, go to the gym, meet for coffee, maybe pop to each others house for a wine ( that might be intended as an hour catch up but if we are chatting and enjoying ourselves it will roll into two or three ).
With groups of friends we might arrange a shared meal or a night out but only once every 2 months perhaps. We are all busy with work, families, houses, etc

OhComeOnFFS · 09/05/2023 11:57

LividHouse · 07/05/2023 16:04

You do sound quite intense, with a clear vision of how it “should” have gone.

It’s possible she found that stifling.

Would you have been happy if someone came to visit you for lunch and stayed 40 minutes, knowing you'd spent all morning cooking a roast meal?

Dillydollydingdong · 09/05/2023 13:00

Its hard to know what the timescale is when you visit friends. Do you you relax and sit back and possibly outstay your welcome? Or do you cut and run and leave them feeling like you did? Last time I visited friends I said I won't stay long but how long is a piece of string?

Mandyjack · 09/05/2023 13:05

When she got up to leave did you say oh I didn't think you'd have to leave so early? Maybe it's worth mentioning to her but could be her son gave her little choice if she wanted a lift. I do understand you are upset and it doesn't seem rude but there could be a reason.

Mandyjack · 09/05/2023 13:07

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 18:16

I now see what I did wrong.

I should have asked her round for a cuppa and a chat first.

I did not think it through. I'd bought a lamb joint and accompaniments and dessert, and when I spontaneously invited her I just thought, "Why not ask her to share the Sunday lunch." I am very busy with work and don't sit down and ruminate on what is the right or wrong thing to do.

Many thanks for all the replies. I appreciate your time.

Please don't think you were in the wrong. She could've politely turned you down. Maybe you could expand your friendship to others and arrange a coffee morning or something

Crunchymum · 09/05/2023 13:16

plus I live in a houseshare with three others so there are always others about

I know you have clarified you were not interrupted but could her knowing your household set up have meant she didn't feel comfortable? Just a thought.

Chillyallday · 09/05/2023 14:21

OP you sound really lovely and this person sounds strange. I would never plan to be at someone’s house for that short amount of time for a leisurely lunch.

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 17:20

Crunchymum · 09/05/2023 13:16

plus I live in a houseshare with three others so there are always others about

I know you have clarified you were not interrupted but could her knowing your household set up have meant she didn't feel comfortable? Just a thought.

Sorry but I am racking my brains to try to work out why the fact that I don't live in this house alone would make anyone feel "uncomfortable".

Strangely, another poster said that the one-one-one intensity of there being only me and my guest in the house is what made her uncomfortable.

Sounds like I am wrong for living with people and also wrong for living alone LOLOL

But it cannot have been any of these two opposites, anyway, because she had already arranged for her son to collect her before she even arrived here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 17:21

Mandyjack · 09/05/2023 13:05

When she got up to leave did you say oh I didn't think you'd have to leave so early? Maybe it's worth mentioning to her but could be her son gave her little choice if she wanted a lift. I do understand you are upset and it doesn't seem rude but there could be a reason.

I was half gobsmacked and half hurt, so no, I didn't say anything to her except to smile and make pleasantries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 17:24

Dillydollydingdong · 09/05/2023 13:00

Its hard to know what the timescale is when you visit friends. Do you you relax and sit back and possibly outstay your welcome? Or do you cut and run and leave them feeling like you did? Last time I visited friends I said I won't stay long but how long is a piece of string?

I would say that, if your hostess is animated, smiling, laughing, engaging with you, chatting away, telling funny anecdotes and has told you that dessert is about to be served then NO, you would not feel that you have outstayed your welcome.

If the host is staring out of the window, scrolling on their phone or yawning, then yes that is a clear indication that a guest has outstayed.

OP posts:
GreensAreGoodForYou · 09/05/2023 17:25

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

Do you tend to have friends who are a lot older or younger than you by any chance? It sounds to me like you have misread this woman's intentions/thoughts/feelings/ideas/non-verbal communications... could be that anyone would've misread them or it could be that you're undiagnosed autistic? Before anyone jumps on me for asking/suggesting, it's just that what you describe sounds so much like several middle-aged autistic women I know (and I'm one of them!). That classic misunderstanding, the desire to find a friend, but somehow utterly misjudging the situation.

Of course, I could be barking up the completely wrong tree, and she could just be an utter meanie who just fancied a nice lunch OR thought she'd enjoy your company but then didn't for whatever reason and legged it.

Whatever it is, just know that there ARE women out there who will absolutely 'get you' and enjoy your company. It's hard to find them, especially if you don't live in a city, but don't give up! Hugs to you!

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 17:30

TellingBone · 07/05/2023 17:03

I think it's this. For whatever reason [perhaps she's uncomfortable in such situations and pushed herself to come at all] she had an escape planned if she felt she wasn't coping.

Show quote history

She's a confident, outgoing, animated, happy and chatty woman who was relaxed, laughing and chatting away happily with me right up until she left.

She was not cringing in a corner in horror counting the minutes until she could make a planned escape. She also did not text him - her phone was in her bag on the floor under the dining table. Unless she can text with her toes!

OP posts:
Skyeheather · 09/05/2023 17:37

When I was single and online dating I had many Sunday lunch dates where my expectation was the same as yours, only for my date to order a cheese sandwich and make his excuses to leave 30 minutes later.

One day I had Sunday lunch which a man who had the same expectations and we had a lovely all afternoon lunch - three courses, coffee after, the lot.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong, you are just different people with different ideas of what Sunday lunch should be. Don't let it put you off asking someone else in the future. There are many of us who would have enjoyed what you had in mind.

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 17:38

JoanOfAllTrades · 09/05/2023 02:27

@Tabitha1960

This lady sounds unbelievably rude and could have used any excuse to get out of lunch.

You sound like you need a good friend, one that you can just drop in and talk to about different things.

I wish you lived near me, but I suspect that you are in the UK whereas I’m nowhere near there unfortunately!

It’s hard to make friends once you’ve left school. Unless you’re a lucky person who actually keeps in touch with those friends, then the next place is work. I was talking about this exact thing to my son. He has some friends from when he was at school but now he works and most of the people he works with are double his age, if not older. There are some 20 somethings as well but they tend to be casual staff so he doesn’t see them regularly. Don’t get me wrong, he was lucky to get a good job, that’s well paid and he has a permanent contract, so at nearly 19, he’s done really good. But he has nothing in common with most of the people he works with.

Are there any groups you could join, maybe at the local library? Or perhaps suggest a group to the library? What about church? That’s a good place to meet people, and some churches also have groups, or coffee drop ins, something like that?

If you want to DM any time, I’m happy to have chats with you. I know it’s not the same but I’m here 💐

Just wanted to say "thanks" for such a lovely post, and invitation to DM you.

I have loads of online "mates". I actually have over 2,000 Facebook friends, for example, some of whom have come to visit me in my town, or I have visited them in their town, or we live in the same town and see each other in the street now and again.

My lunch guest was one of the latter category, and my lunch invitation was my clumsy attempt to turn a local female Facebook "friend" into a real friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 17:49

Un7breakable · 07/05/2023 18:40

I think Sunday lunch was a bit full on. I'd worry about Sunday lunch with an acquaintance. She probably arranged the pick up as a get out in case you ran out of conversation. She was rude not to have brought something or send a thank you though.

We did not run out of conversation. She was telling me bits about her life and asking with fascination about mine, which is very different from hers.

She was sparkling and animated, as was I, not dull and quiet or bored or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 17:53

watcherintherye · 07/05/2023 18:41

Sorry I haven’t read the entire thread, but

a) Why did her son need to pick her up, if she is local to you?

b) I think I’d be a bit nonplussed if someone I hardly knew invited me to lunch. I might say yes, out of politeness, then start wondering what the agenda was (I know yours was just to become friends, but usually the process is more…organic than your approach, as I know you’ve acknowledged).

c) Just to say, the U3A is a brilliant organisation with a wide range of interest groups and great for getting to know people. There are branches everywhere!

Just wanted to address this:

"I think I’d be a bit nonplussed if someone I hardly knew invited me to lunch."

I was invited to a large group lunch by a couple I had never met, who only knew of me through their housekeeper, who was also my cleaner, who told them about me and they thought I sounded like an interesting character. Everyone at that lunch was a complete stranger to me, but it was one of the best events I have ever attended.

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 09/05/2023 17:54

I think it was really rude of her, sounds like she just ate and ran. That’s not socially normal when someone invites you for a meal, you do t stay for the bare minimum time to eat then head off. She’s the one in the wrong here, not you OP.

SwedishEdith · 09/05/2023 18:03

For the sake of this thread @Tabitha1960, I think you're just going to have to ask her outright. "Hey, weirdo, remember that time I invited you for Sunday lunch and you dashed off early? What was that about?".

BluebellBlueballs · 09/05/2023 18:06

I'd text her saying 'I'm holding another speed dining event and as you got the record last time, let's see if we can beat it! Slow braised pig cheek this time, bonus points if your son can drive up to whisk you away without any waiting outside! Up for it?'

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 18:06

Lots of people have made useful suggestions about joining or attending various things in order to try to meet new friends. E.G. church groups, volunteering, WI., classes, etc.

Over the years I have done all these things, specifically in order to make new female friends, and I wasted hundreds of hours and quite a bit of money (on class fees etc) and for all my efforts I never made a single friend.

There is no way I have time now that I am running a business single handed to waste hours and hours doing something I have zero interest in, just on the off-chance that whilst doing it I might by random chance meet a woman who is also looking to make a new friend AND is compatible with me and vice-versa. It's rather like telling a woman who wants to find a romantic partner to go and sit in her local pub every evening on the off-chance that Mr Right will one day walk in and sweep her up.

I would happily join a class or go and work in a charity shop or go to church if I were genuinely interested in the content of any of those things but I am not. My business is my hobby, my interest, and I love it and am not looking for new ways to fill my time.

This really was just an attempt to make a female friend because I feel a freak that nearly all my friends in real life are male. I find getting on with men takes no thought or planning or worrying about what's appropriate or whatever, any of the things suggested on here about "one step at a time" with women.

I have loads of FB acquaintances who are female but they live all across the Anglosphere; only a tiny handful live in my small town. I have invited a few round here for a cuppa and a chat but it never went any further. They remain FB "friends" and still interact with me on FB but no return invite and they have not asked to come round again.

For some reason, the vast majority of women just don't seem to like me enough to want me as a friend. My two female lodgers seem to like me. The one who has been here for some years seems to love me like a substitute mother, in fact.

I dunno, maybe I should just "go with the flow" and accept that there is something in me that men like and women don't!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 18:08

@SwedishEdith

"Hey, weirdo, remember that time I invited you for Sunday lunch and you dashed off early? What was that about?".

@BluebellBlueballs

"I'd text her saying 'I'm holding another speed dining event and as you got the record last time, let's see if we can beat it!"

OMG you two! You have got me HOWLING with laughter, so I thank you for that!

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 09/05/2023 18:10

SwedishEdith · 09/05/2023 18:03

For the sake of this thread @Tabitha1960, I think you're just going to have to ask her outright. "Hey, weirdo, remember that time I invited you for Sunday lunch and you dashed off early? What was that about?".

I retract my "weirdo" bit now. We just don't know.

Leftoverssandwich · 09/05/2023 18:13

Well, OP, if you’ve got your lodgers liking you, you can’t be entirely on the bad list! 😉

I reckon take the great friends that you have, regardless of what sex they are. They sound like a great gift. And how amazing to have a business that brings you such joy.

Who knows if a fulfilling female friendship will fall into your path at some point? But it doesn’t sound like it hugely matters really.

ThreeRingCircus · 09/05/2023 18:19

This is a difficult one. Her behaviour is so strange that I immediately thought something must have happened (wetting herself, feeling like she was going to have diarrhea, about to have a panic attack... something like that.) Also the fact that she could easily have walked home and went outside to "wait" for her lift makes me wonder whether her son actually wasn't picking her up and she just had to get out of there sharpish.

However, she didn't text you again to thank you and she didn't bring a bottle of wine or other small gift, she didn't say "sorry for leaving you wish the washing up" or offer any other explanation. Of course she didn't have to do all of these things but I'd have expected at least one of them. That makes me think that maybe she is just very rude.

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 09/05/2023 18:25

Leftoverssandwich · 09/05/2023 18:13

Well, OP, if you’ve got your lodgers liking you, you can’t be entirely on the bad list! 😉

I reckon take the great friends that you have, regardless of what sex they are. They sound like a great gift. And how amazing to have a business that brings you such joy.

Who knows if a fulfilling female friendship will fall into your path at some point? But it doesn’t sound like it hugely matters really.

It's just that I feel like a freak for not having a bunch of female friends AND also, I feel ashamed when I admit this to people IRL.

I feel really comfortable with men. I like their resilience and knockabout humour. They seem so easy going and it's hard to offend them. If I need to call them out about something I am never scared to bring it up with them. You can even poke fun at them and they laugh out loud or pretend to be offended then give it right back at you.

Women make me a bit nervous. They always seem to be very judgmental and unforgiving. Whilst going through the slow, step-by-step incremental sequence of slowing getting to know one another, if you ever say the slightest thing that they find remotely "off" then you're instantly dropped - it's like you didn't pass their test. Despite all this I have tried and tried. I watch what I say, never send them up, and try to act in the way I know they expect.

When I have a male friend over I never have to check myself. I can totally relax and totally be my authentic self and they seem to like me enough to stay mates for years and years. I literally have men I have been friends with for 40, 25, 18, 10, and 8 years.

Does that make me autistic? I never thought of myself as such. I am rather a tomboy type, though and have always preferred traditionally "male" pursuits to female ones.

OP posts: