Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

What incredibly bad manners, are there any local craft groups you could join; maybe tge local WI; possibly a mature ladies exercise group; thankfully not everyone would behave in this manner & moire would appreciate your hospitality & kindness, so don’t be put off there are bound to be many ladies who are in the same position as you, wanting to make friends so do keep trying x

To let you put in all that effort and then stay just long enough to eat is rude, biscuits and tea if that,would have been more appropriate for that short visit

Hi OP, I too would be upset if someone did this to me. And of course dessert and coffee/tea is customary. Wtf was she thinking of? Did she think it'd be awkward? How horrid of her to preempt a quick leave without mentioning anything to you...

Please know you did a lovely thing. Well done.

rRef meeting new people, how about joining a woman's group nearby? I found a few through an internet search near me that look interesting. I haven't been yet, but get dates I can make are later this month.

Maybe if you do offer to host, arrange a bring and share meal so everyone brings something different - main, sides, desserts. One of my friends does this a lot with several people - they always work out great! And she themes them - curry, BBQ, sunday dinner etc.

Hoping you find friends who deserve you soon x

Was there wine? What did you drink?

I bet she thought there'd be others there. Group situation

Op said that new friend had pre arranged her son to collect her. So it wasnt something done in haste after feeling that Op was too intense.

Hi OP
you sound lovely. I was on the opposite side of this with someone I met as an acquaintance. She was quite full on to start with, suggesting full days out, suggesting cocktails then meal etc out. I didn’t want to do this because I struggle to commit this amount of time to my existing friendships as it is. I like this lady but a quick drink would do to start with, which I did suggest! It’s a shame because she backed off from me and I do like her.

I do think this new friend of yours was rude and hurtful but don’t let it deter you from pursuing new friendships.

It possible that's she's just someone who already has enough people in her life and isn't looking for new friends.

For a people pleaser, it's difficult to say no to someone's invitation. So maybe she's said yes to the invite because she didn't want to be hurtful and say a flat no. But has then felt awkward about it and created a get-out plan as she was worried about it not going well.

Was the way she did it rude? Yes. Did she misjudge how long it would be reasonable to stay for? Definitely.

But I think you have to be prepared that just because someone is friendly in passing, it doesn't mean they necessarily want to start a friendship with you.

As others have said, suggesting a brief, low-input meet up would be a better plan in future. And then being alert to subtle signals that the other person may not want to pursue it further (eg them not suggesting another meet up). Try not to take it personally, some people don't have time/energy/space for new friends in their lives.

This

she was unreasonable.
Maybe I’m future meet new friends in a coffee shop.
i had a brief friendship with someone like this, she invited me and my DD over for a coffee… (The kids played (nicely).. we had a cuppa and literally after 15 minutes and the coffee was finished she was saying ‘we must do it again and ushering us out of the door…. It was so strange!!….. we had several days out together & she would always be over the top thanking me etc… then suddenly one day without warning she started walking a different way, started talking about me to my friends.. her DD started bullying mine… people are odd…I try to keep friends at arms length now, sad but been let down too many times

@katemulberrybush

OP said this ‘friend’ didn’t bring any wine with her.

Thank you. That was not the question though

I'm sorry she was so unkind to you. You sound lovely. Keep putting yourself out there to make friends but maybe suggest meeting somewhere for tea at first. Anyone would be lucky to call you a friend.

Really? I doubt the OP presented the visitor with a printed schedule on arrival, nor told her the list of activities she'd planned.
How on earth would the visitor know how the OP hoped the afternoon would go.
You're being ridiculous and appear to want to hurt the OP even more, why is that?

She was incredibly rude to stay such a short time but I think what hurts you most is the snub as you would have liked to become good friends. Maybe get to know someone much better before such an invitation in future to save yourself the upset.

she could have at least said thankyou just bloody rude even if she never wanted to see op again

Hi all

Just re-visited this thread and found all the additional responses, for which I thank everyone for their time and trouble.

I did laugh out loud at the "university vibe" comment, and the one about the "cast of Friends wandering in". That's hilarious. She only saw one of my housemates, who had her coat on and was on her way out. So no, nobody was hovering waiting to use the oven!

Someone asked if the guests son is not around much... her son and dau live close to her and she frequently looks after their kids, I mean several times a week so no, it wasn't a rare son visit.

Yeah I have two female and one male house mates I consider them to be friends, but the ladies are half my age and will doubtless move out when Mr Right appears.

@Tabitha1960

This lady sounds unbelievably rude and could have used any excuse to get out of lunch.

You sound like you need a good friend, one that you can just drop in and talk to about different things.

I wish you lived near me, but I suspect that you are in the UK whereas I’m nowhere near there unfortunately!

It’s hard to make friends once you’ve left school. Unless you’re a lucky person who actually keeps in touch with those friends, then the next place is work. I was talking about this exact thing to my son. He has some friends from when he was at school but now he works and most of the people he works with are double his age, if not older. There are some 20 somethings as well but they tend to be casual staff so he doesn’t see them regularly. Don’t get me wrong, he was lucky to get a good job, that’s well paid and he has a permanent contract, so at nearly 19, he’s done really good. But he has nothing in common with most of the people he works with.

Are there any groups you could join, maybe at the local library? Or perhaps suggest a group to the library? What about church? That’s a good place to meet people, and some churches also have groups, or coffee drop ins, something like that?

If you want to DM any time, I’m happy to have chats with you. I know it’s not the same but I’m here 💐

plus I have several really friends but they are all male. I find men very easy to get along with and very un-complicated.

It bothers me that I struggle to make friends with women; it makes me feel like a freak so I am making a special effort to make female friends.

@Tabitha1960 why are you beating yourself up about this. Why not just go with the flow? I've always made friends with males easier that with females, right from my first day at infant school (I'm your age, we didn't go to nursery!).

Why do you feel you need to do something you don't find easy or comfortable? Some sort of social conditioning? TV shows which have gangs of girls/women being besties and their lives being one long laugh? Shall I tell you something? Even though I don't always agree with them, or them with me, the women on MN are my 'women friends'. IRL my friends are all fellas. I can't explain why, they just are.

You are absolutely correct! Being fed a diet of The Golden Girls, Friends, and reading Enid Blyton books where everyone went to boarding school and it was all jolly japes!

Not in real life. Because in real life, the characters don’t read from a script or pages of a book!

Saying that, I loved the Golden Girls but have read interviews about how difficult Bea Arthur was to get along with, and did you know, the lady that played Sophia was the youngest member of the cast? It was all make up!!!!

No it was definitely rude. If someone says they are doing a roast it quite clearly implies a longer get together.
Your feelings of being upset are valid. I have been used in a similar way by someone I thought was a friend and it just kept happening. I let the friendship come to a natural end.

She was extremely rude. I really feel for you OP. Your expectations were totally normal and not stifling in the least (some posters will criticise anyone who asks for advice on AIBU). At least you know not to waste time on her in the future.

You were used OP, I’m sorry.
Steer clear and don’t fall for it again

American children grow up with the ‘Apple Pie and wonderful family BS’. The reality is going to school and being taught how to survive a lunatic gunman.

She’s not for you, find someone else. I know it’s hard but it sounds like she was either not comfortable and got her son to pick her up or she’s a cheeky Fecker.