Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

even OP has reflected and agreed that maybe a Sunday roast was a bit much for a first meeting

If the woman felt so uncomfortable about this she could have easily said something like, "thats so kind, but I dont have much free time on Sunday, how about we meet for a quick coffee instead?" But she did not say that, she said "Oooh yummy, that sounds lovely" so clearly it cant have bothered her that much can it? She went fully expecting a roast dinner and thats exactly what she got.

I think it's the rude woman who stuffed her face and buggered off that needs to get some feedback from her housemates and work on herself as a project. Not the OP who did a nice and generous thing!

What a bizarre way of looking at it @JudgeRudy
@Tabitha1960 shouldn't give it another thought, she was upset enough at the time
As for asking her housemates for feedback wtf?
The woman was rude, end of

Yes, this stuck out to me too.
I would be less inclined to hang around if I thought there were others who wanted to use the kitchen (potentially awkward chats with strangers) or even if I could just hear them moving around upstairs.

@RachelGreep87

”potentially awkward chats with strangers”

😩 oh my! 😩

If a housemate came in, just smile and say hi. Really not a big deal.

The guest knew exactly what she had agreed to. It wasn’t a surprise. She had agreed to go over for a roast. Not a coffee. She chose to arrive empty handed, it appears she chose to already pre-arrange a lift after 40 minutes and she also chose to not send a thank you message afterwards. Rude.

If she thought lunch would have been too much she should have politely declined. It’s very easy - you just say ‘oh I’m busy on Sunday but let’s do a coffee next week’ or leave it vague if you want to do nothing!

Well, the guest was a woman in her early 50s. Up until recently, it wasn't the norm for people in their 50s and 60s to be in houseshares.
It gives off a university vibe and maybe she was put off by that.

@RachelGreep87

so?! It’s really no excuse for her to be so rude is it?

If op lived in a house with her family, they'd have been strangers to the guest too.
You're really reaching here, determined to blame her rude as fuck behaviour on the "odd" atmosphere 🤨
Do you also have issues with social interactions?

To refer to people with autism as having something “wrong” with them, whether on a public forum or not isn’t really acceptable. It may just be a poor choice of words but to write something like that you have to think it, therefore I’m not sure saying it out loud is quite the leap you are claiming.

The guest may be neurodiverse, the OP might also be judging by her behaviours, but it doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with them.

Family isn't quite the same. Based on my experience of flatshares (in London anyway) people just keep to themselves, mostly staying in their own spaces unless they need to use the kitchen. I would be very conscious of spending too long in the kitchen as it could mean depriving others of their chance to make a meal.

It also makes the idea of getting to know one another over the course of a few hours a bit awkward when Jane from upstairs could pop in at any moment to get her Muller Corner from the fridge.

LOLOL You'd be rude to someone who made lunch for you just because living with housemates at age 60 "isnt the norm". Wow. Glad I dont have friends like you if you can manage to be polite to people based on whether their living arrangements are considered "normal" in your eyes. Geez.

@RachelGreep87

⬆️ sums it up really well

whether this woman approves or disapproves of OP living in a flat share, it doesn’t mean she can be rude

Agreed with a pp above, not sure why some posters get such a thrill from blaming OP, clutching at straws in doing so. There must be a reason (which is OP's fault entirely that made the guest displayed such a weird behaviour) So far we got:

• OP is too intense, how dare she had a vision how the afternoon was going to go. She must be lonely.
• the lunch feels more like a romantic date
• maybe OP asked whether the rude guest is autistic
• a university vibe from house share
• guest does not see her son often or had to fit in with his schedule
• various health and mental health reasons
• Sunday is a busy day and people have things to do and generally don't have time to hang out for hours after lunch (even though someone has gone through the effort to make a nice lunch for you and that's why you are invited for)
• She did not bring a gift? oh maybe she hasn't had sufficient life experiences and doesn't understand social norms (despite being 50 years old)
• and the winner is: OP needs to examine herself, carefully considers how she come across, there must be something wrong with the vibe she emits she needs to ask for feedback from her housemates and work on herself

OP is a kind, thoughtful and generous person, she has done absolutely nothing wrong here. The guest is by any standard the off one and lack of social graces. This is about her not OP.

Yes!! Great summing up of the batshittery on this thread @smurfette1818

And yet the OP says she struggles to make friends with women, so this type of misunderstanding/mismatch of expectations may well be a pattern it would help her to understand. Yes, it could well be that the guest is simply a rude, socially ill-attuned person (as suggested by her failure to bring any form of gift with her, however token, as well as her abrupt departure), but there is also something potentially slightly ‘off’ about the misjudgement that saw the OP ask someone she barely knows in passing over to her house for a meal that took so much intensive work to prepare for, and the over-investment in exactly how the afternoon would unroll that left her in tears. The OP, who admits to struggling with friendships, posted here for objective responses, so ‘There, there, you’re lovely and she’s a cow’ isn’t necessary that helpful. Maybe the OP is indeed lovely and the guest is a cow. Or maybe there were a few more shades of grey in this encounter, even if they don’t necessarily exonerate the guest.

Well, the guest was a woman in her early 50s. Up until recently, it wasn't the norm for people in their 50s and 60s to be in houseshares.
I think the OP is the landlady, and this has always been quite a common scenario for a single woman or a widow.

That is fine, I'm just suggesting it may have made the guest feel uncomfortable.

There are often threads where an OP arranges a meetup with a friend and then the friend wants to bring others along which upsets the OP. These tend to be split between the "more the merrier" brigade and the ones who feel like this changes the dynamic.

Similarly, it is a different dynamic having an intimate lunch alone in a house with someone versus having the cast of Friends milling around the place. The guest may not be into that.

For what its worth, I do ultimately think the guest was being rude.

So you're sticking to your suggestion that op may have said this out loud to her guest?!

Are you familiar with the phrase “tongue in cheek”?

It may just be a poor choice of words but to write something like that you have to think it, therefore I’m not sure saying it out loud is quite the leap you are claiming
I am, yes. What you've written above isn't an example of this 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re obviously not that familiar with it then. My first post was tongue in cheek, it couldn’t be any more fitting of the definition. My second post was in response to you stating it was quite a leap - it wasn’t, it was tongue in cheek, but to go from thinking something to saying it isn’t a leap.

God, you seem to have tied yourself in knots in an effort to be entertaining.
Shame it fell so flat 🤣

Not too intense. Sunday lunch is not a snack, it's a lovely occasion which takes a lot of prep. 40 minutes is a cup of tea and a biscuit.

She is rude.
do not ask her over again unless you are invited first to her and if you enjoy her company …
try and volunteer or join some clubs following your interests to make more like minded friends.
she was awfully rude !