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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

458 replies

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

OP posts:
BluebellBlueballs · 07/05/2023 16:17

Are you sure she received a text message? Any chance, for her own reasons and not necessarily anything you did, she decided to bale and texted the son herself ? As it does sound weird to leave so soon

JMSA · 07/05/2023 16:17

Aww, I'm really feeling for you right now, OP Flowers
Well, she'd have made a shit friend, so best that you know that from the start.

JMSA · 07/05/2023 16:19

But maybe stick to coffee when first getting to know a new friend, and progress from there.
I am sorry this happened to you though x

Bargellobitch · 07/05/2023 16:20

That was rude if her op. I'm in my mid 30s and have very few friends. Making friends as an adult is really hard. So well done for you to put yourself out there.

I feel like an invite for lunch does imply longer than 40 mins

imnotsadyouresad · 07/05/2023 16:20

Is it possible her son thought you were having lunch at 12pm so 1.40pm or so would be fine to pick his mum up?

FictionalCharacter · 07/05/2023 16:21

How incredibly rude to dash off immediately after eating. Yanbu.
If she thought a full on Sunday lunch would be too much when she didn’t know you that well, she didn’t have to accept.

WhatInFreshHell · 07/05/2023 16:21

You sound lovely OP, I would have been upset too. I'll come for lunch

AP5Diva · 07/05/2023 16:22

I think it was rude. Im autistic myself and although I would have taken a lunch invitation at face value as just lunch, I would have kept my schedule open just in case it went well and my host suggested tea/coffee and a chat afterwards. I wouldn’t have presumed that was included, but I’d have been prepared and also have an idea of how long I can realistically socialise before being fatigued.

I think where it is obvious this lady was rude is that she just up and announced she’s going almost the second she set her fork down? No one does that!

You could give her a second chance. Maybe something urgent did happen and she didn’t feel comfortable as it was your first meet up as potential friends. Being autistic, I would probably say “what happened when you came to mine for lunch? You dashed off straight after the last mouthful, was a bit of a shock as I’d hoped you’d have lasted until pudding at least. I hope everything is alright? I didn’t put you off did I?”

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 07/05/2023 16:22

She was rude to leave straight after eating. It's not like she had been around all morning so had spent hours with you already.

MumUndone · 07/05/2023 16:23

Yes it does sound rude. I can only assume she had prearranged for her son to pick her up after that amount of time because she had other plans that afternoon or because she was worried the lunch would go 'badly' for some reason... Maybe she's not as interested in being friends as you are, but didn't want to hurt you by turning down your invitation. Or maybe she struggles with social situations herself, and was anxious?

CC4712 · 07/05/2023 16:24

What if the meal hadn't been ready till 1:30? Would she have dashed off after 10mins???

Why didn't you say 'Oh, you aren't staying for dessert/coffee then???'

Very odd behaviour on her part to rush off like that, but I equally wouldn't have planned to spend an entire afternoon at someones house if I was just invited for 'lunch'.

CharlottenBerg · 07/05/2023 16:25

The guest was very rude, crashingly so. I'd have enjoyed the lunch, and stayed for at least a couple of hours, enjoyed a good chat, and asked to help with the washing up. Possibly suggested a return match. She's had a twenty-quid-in-a-pub Sunday roast in someone's home. I hope it doesn't put you off being friendly and hospitable to people. In my opinion, the people on here calling you 'intense' are just being cruel.

Larkslane · 07/05/2023 16:25

Her behaviour was very odd.
You sound like the perfect hostess.
Unless she gives you some sort of explanation, which seems unlikely at this point, then I would not try to develop the acquaintance further.
She isn’t worthy of your time and effort.
I wish you luck in finding more genuine friends.

MojacaSunset · 07/05/2023 16:27

She was very rude! You are justified in feeling hurt and used, I would too.

saraclara · 07/05/2023 16:28

I'm sorry, she was rude and I can see why you'd be upset. But in future start off with meeting someone for coffee and a chat. A full on roast meal and an expectation of staying for the whole afternoon, is a bit full on for a first invitation. As a prospective guest, I'd be a bit thrown by that from a new acquaintance, to be honest. Especially if it was just the two of us at that lunch.

If someone new expressed an interest in meeting up, I'd be much more comfortable with a shorter commitment, and maybe at a cafe. It's a bit like dating really. Going to someone's house for a good few hours is a bit intimidating as a first commitment, unless it's joining a group of people.

EndsandBegins · 07/05/2023 16:29

Yes she was a bit rude but, giving her the benefit of the doubt, is it possible she had to fit in with the lift from her son and he arrived earlier than she was expecting?

piedbeauty · 07/05/2023 16:29

She was very rude. If she knew you were cooking a roast, then she knows the amount of effort and time that goes into that. Unbelievably rude to leave so quickly.

ReadersD1gest · 07/05/2023 16:29

God, she's a mannerless moo. Chalk this one up to experience, op. Most people don't behave this way.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 07/05/2023 16:31

What have you got to lose by talking about how you feel to her? If you approach the conversation light heartedly and not accusingly and just state that the day didn’t go as you’d expected and listen to her response you may feel better or not… In any case you’ll have a better idea of where you stand.
It’s hard making friendships as we get older because people often have established friendship groups but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.
You need to remember that to the right people you will be a fabulous friend and they will be blessed to have you in their lives. You just need to find those people. Good luck! X

DrManhattan · 07/05/2023 16:31

She was very rude.

Leftoverssandwich · 07/05/2023 16:32

You’re not unreasonable in the slightest. I would offer, and take, an invitation to Sunday lunch to be the afternoon basically.

Some of our closest friends are a couple we got to know on our first social occasion, a lovely relaxed Sunday lunch. It wasn’t too intense a thing to suggest!

lunaloveroo · 07/05/2023 16:34

She was rude. If she couldn't stay for at least 2 hours, or knew she would need to rush off then she should've said that. If she only lives 1 mile from you I'm assuming she had plans with her son otherwise she could've walked home.

I think it's great that you're trying to make more effort to make friends, however be mindful that you're not giving too much of yourself in the early days. Perhaps a coffee/ cake etc would've been more appropriate then you would be left feeling resentful for the amount of effort you put in.

girlfriend44 · 07/05/2023 16:35

That was nice of you to invite her.

Now let her invite you to something.

If not don't worry.

Pluvia · 07/05/2023 16:35

She was very rude and you have every right to be upset. Her lack of explanation or an apology was unforgivable.

Next time you invite someone, though, I'd start by making it much more casual — coffee and cake, a simple one-pot supper. It's often better to start meeting in a coffee shop or for a pub lunch or whatever. It takes some of the pressure off you as host and her as guest, there are others around and it doesn't feel so intense for either of you.

amidsummernightsdream · 07/05/2023 16:36

I dont think you had unreasonable expectations and it was rude of her