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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

458 replies

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

OP posts:
PepperSalt · 07/05/2023 16:00

Very rude of her, OP. I’m not surprised that you were upset. X

PuffinsRocks · 07/05/2023 16:01

TBH you sound very lonely, and like you had one vision of how the afternoon was going to go, and she had a different vision for it, and neither of you communicated that to one another. That's all. I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. She might not have wanted to overstay her welcome and maybe took it literally when you invited her around "for lunch". I do think she should have offered to help with the washing up but maybe she assumed you had a dishwasher.

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 07/05/2023 16:01

That's rude and hurtful of her. If I could only go to someone's house for 40 minutes I would hardly expect a cup of tea. I'm sorry that happened after all your hard work.

stbrandonsboat · 07/05/2023 16:03

She's a user. There are a lot of them out there.

sheworemellowyellow · 07/05/2023 16:03

That was unbelievably rude if her!! I’m quite shocked, tbh. I can’t imagine there’s any scenario in which what you described could be deemed acceptable.

I’m sorry for you OP. Now you know what she’s like. Not everyone is like this. I hope you have better luck next time. With new acquaintances, it’s generally better to meet up somewhere for coffee and cake, than have them in your home. Hosting is work, and until you know someone well it’s difficult to know whether it’s (they are) worth the effort.

TheRealShatParp · 07/05/2023 16:04

YANBU, she was very rude to leave after 40 minutes. It doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t interested in a friendship though, it could just be the way she is. Not someone I’d be bothering much with either way.

LividHouse · 07/05/2023 16:04

You do sound quite intense, with a clear vision of how it “should” have gone.

It’s possible she found that stifling.

Want2beme · 07/05/2023 16:04

Not surprised you were upset. It does seem very odd to eat & run like that. I can understand not wanting to outstay your welcome, but she could've stayed for an hour or hour and a half, at least.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 16:07

PuffinsRocks · 07/05/2023 16:01

TBH you sound very lonely, and like you had one vision of how the afternoon was going to go, and she had a different vision for it, and neither of you communicated that to one another. That's all. I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. She might not have wanted to overstay her welcome and maybe took it literally when you invited her around "for lunch". I do think she should have offered to help with the washing up but maybe she assumed you had a dishwasher.

I'd expect a coffee and catch up to last an hour so the idea of staying only 40 minutes for a Sunday Lunch is really odd - and rude.
If the woman hadnt wanted to come she could have declined or suggested a meet up for a coffee instead.

I'm sorry you had such a disappointing time OP. Don't let it put you off opening up with others and making social arrangements!

Candleabra · 07/05/2023 16:07

That’s rude of her, everyone knows how much work goes into a roast dinner. I would have definitely had your idea about the afternoon.
If she could only stay for 40 mins she should have said when you offered lamb and the trimmings - something like wow that sounds lovely but I can only stay for a bit so just a sandwich would be fine.

Original poster
Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 16:07

LividHouse · 07/05/2023 16:04

You do sound quite intense, with a clear vision of how it “should” have gone.

It’s possible she found that stifling.

How could she find that "stifling" when I did not tell her of my vision, and I was lighthearted, breezy and pleasant company for the entire 40 minutes?

OP posts:
RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 16:09

LividHouse · 07/05/2023 16:04

You do sound quite intense, with a clear vision of how it “should” have gone.

It’s possible she found that stifling.

How could an (unspoken) expectation of the guest staying for more than 40 minutes for a roast dinner be "stifling" ??

VioletCharlotte · 07/05/2023 16:09

I know neurodiversity is always rolled out on here as a reason geo certain behaviour, but this is exactly the sort of thing my autistic son would do. If I invite him for lunch, he will come for lunch and then leave! If I want him to stay longer, I have to be explicit and say 'would you like to come out for lunch and then stay for the afternoon?'

On the other hand, she could just be rude 🤷‍♀️

You sound lovely and it was nice of you to make such an effort. I've got a friend like you, and while it's nice, sometimes I do feel a bit overwhelmed when she goes to a lot of effort. While you're still getting to know someone, I would stick to simpler invitations initially - coffee and pastries, wine and nibbles, tea and cake, etc.

honeyimstillfree · 07/05/2023 16:09

it’s a bit strange that you’d planned how the afternoon would go in your head, even down to her offering to help wash up. maybe she sensed that you’re a bit intense?

Findyourneutralspace · 07/05/2023 16:10

I don’t think it’s intense to expect a roast dinner invite to last a few hours. She was really rude.
I can understand why you’re hurt OP. Roast lamb with trimmings is a lovely meal - and also expensive and time consuming!

WinterWanders · 07/05/2023 16:11

Yes it was strange of her. I would have expected the same as you

Eudaimonia5 · 07/05/2023 16:11

I think you've both been a bit unreasonable.

A full lunch with all the trimmings is a bit much for a potential new friend. You say you expected her to stay for dessert and then coffee which sounds like several hours. It would have been better to meet her for a casual lunch or just coffee. Either that or invite her round for something light like sandwiches.

The lunch with all the trimmings and hours or chatting sounds great for a friend you're close to but not for someone who you usually just bump into. She's a new potential friend, you're both still deciding whether you get on well enough to be proper friends.

She's been unreasonable for only staying for 40 minutes. She could have stayed for an hour. But maybe she got freaked out by all the effort you'd gone to and kind of felt that you'd taken her hostage for the whole day.

Itchyfleet · 07/05/2023 16:12

Oh OP don’t listen to people saying you are intense or stifling or had odd expectations.

you offered a very kind invite which was accepted and you graciously went to a lot of effort to make it pleasant for your guest.

her departure sounds odd and rude and I wonder if she is a bit lacking in social graces. Did she bring a gift or contribution at all? Has she mentioned returning the invitation?

it sounds like any friendship with her will be on her terms which is brief and superficial.

you sound lovely - a wonderful hostess and kind friend. Don’t let it put you off- keep searching for groups and new friends and you will find someone more on your wavelength in time.

Blip · 07/05/2023 16:12

Well done OP for putting yourself out there to make a new friend.
This does sound odd to me and YANBU.
Keep trying and you will find some good folk to be friends with. It does take effort in my opinion to find new friends. I would let this one go.

SarahAndQuack · 07/05/2023 16:14

I think I would feel pretty hurt too.

I slightly wonder, though, if she accepted your invitation because she can see you're lonely, but she doesn't yet feel that you're at that sort of stage in the friendship?

I would normally expect to invite someone for a quick coffee before jumping straight into Sunday lunch at home - it's quite intimate, isn't it, if you've just chatted casually before?

Findyourneutralspace · 07/05/2023 16:14

Do people really not have a vision of how a day/evening might go when you invite people over? It doesn’t always go exactly how you have in mind, but there are some natural expectations based on past experiences, social norms etc.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 07/05/2023 16:15

That feels really rude IMO. An invitation to join someone for a meal I would always assume as "I'd love your company for a little while, there'll be food"

I'm rather anti social in general, but I'd never do what your guest did.

MisschiefMaker · 07/05/2023 16:16

It's odd. The only thing I can think is that maybe she has a dysfunctional relationship with her son and felt unable to push him off until later.

MissBPotter · 07/05/2023 16:16

That’s rude. Also did she bring anything with her? I wouldn’t bother with her again, certainly don’t invite her round again. Maybe you did build it up too much in your head. Keep going with trying to make new friends but next time I would save yourself money and effort and only invite for coffee/cake the first time!

ConstitutionHill · 07/05/2023 16:17

PuffinsRocks · 07/05/2023 16:01

TBH you sound very lonely, and like you had one vision of how the afternoon was going to go, and she had a different vision for it, and neither of you communicated that to one another. That's all. I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. She might not have wanted to overstay her welcome and maybe took it literally when you invited her around "for lunch". I do think she should have offered to help with the washing up but maybe she assumed you had a dishwasher.

I'm sorry but who's vision of a lunch invitation is to rock up (without a small offering like a bottle of wine) eat a meal that took quite some time to prepare and then just leave 40 mins later?

You are not BU OP, she was being very rude.

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