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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

458 replies

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

OP posts:
PomTiddlyPom · 07/05/2023 17:26

YANBU OP. How strange! It sounds more like a business lunch than something leisurely. Please don't feel bad.
Some nice people who appreciate you will come along..

coronafiona · 07/05/2023 17:27

Very rude of her. I would've assumed the same as you.
I do think though that sometimes people do that kind of thing to avoid any social awkwardness, like a defence mechanism in case they need an excuse to leave and as this was the first time I would give her another chance but say "I hope you can stay the afternoon this time"'or similar

Poppyblush · 07/05/2023 17:27

Very rude of her. Has she messaged to say thank you. What a cow.

Stripedbag101 · 07/05/2023 17:28

PuffinsRocks · 07/05/2023 16:01

TBH you sound very lonely, and like you had one vision of how the afternoon was going to go, and she had a different vision for it, and neither of you communicated that to one another. That's all. I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. She might not have wanted to overstay her welcome and maybe took it literally when you invited her around "for lunch". I do think she should have offered to help with the washing up but maybe she assumed you had a dishwasher.

I am sorry but this is ridiculous. You don’t arrive at someone’s house for Sunday lunch and only stay 40mins!

I had friends this afternoon for fixer and they stayed two hours!

Twiglets1 · 07/05/2023 17:28

She was very rude. I’m sorry it happened to you and you felt upset, I would be upset by this too.

Sparklybanana · 07/05/2023 17:28

I would feel rude going around to my parents house for a roast and only staying 45 minutes. Its incredibly rude of her to do that for a first visit.

SeatonCarew · 07/05/2023 17:29

This is so odd, including going outside to wait for him, that I'm wondering if something embarrassing had happened and she'd solicited/ created a signal somehow. Eg, she'd had an accident and her Tena pad started leaking?

Maireas · 07/05/2023 17:30

Don't give her another chance! Why did she need "an excuse to leave". Unless there's some massive drip feed where the OP has a shrine to Princess Diana or a collection of taxidermy road kill.

Humanbiology · 07/05/2023 17:30

PuffinsRocks · 07/05/2023 16:01

TBH you sound very lonely, and like you had one vision of how the afternoon was going to go, and she had a different vision for it, and neither of you communicated that to one another. That's all. I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. She might not have wanted to overstay her welcome and maybe took it literally when you invited her around "for lunch". I do think she should have offered to help with the washing up but maybe she assumed you had a dishwasher.

What has her being lonely got to do with a CF eating her food and then leaving. You don't seem to have any issue with this sort of behaviour so I am guessing you do it to others as well. Get what you can and then run.

Time4achangeagain · 07/05/2023 17:30

She was rude OP. But next time (with someone else) maybe better suggest something more low key like coffee?

MsRosley · 07/05/2023 17:31

Yup, very rude. Your expectations were entirely reasonable, OP, and I'd have felt hurt in your situation. At least you've seen her for what she really is before you invested any more in the friendship.

Bluebells1970 · 07/05/2023 17:32

Don't let it put you off, OP. I think you were just unlucky here and found someone without much in the way of manners.

Have you tried any local groups? A friend is in her 60s and I have to book an appointment to see her these days. She plays bowls, goes to tai chi, plays bridge and badminton, joined a local walking group via the GP surgery. They meet once a week for a long walk and then all go back to the village hall for tea and biscuits... it's called walking for health or something similar? She's made so many friends through it.

user4568480 · 07/05/2023 17:34

That's very rude of her and I'd be hurt and upset too. You sound lovely and I hope you meet nice friends very soon.

Mary46 · 07/05/2023 17:35

That is rude op. Maybe just do a cafe meetup next time. But yes very rude of her.

AppallinglyReheated · 07/05/2023 17:38

LividHouse · 07/05/2023 16:04

You do sound quite intense, with a clear vision of how it “should” have gone.

It’s possible she found that stifling.

Bloody hell, thats a stretch!

We all have a general idea how we expect an event, particularly one we are hosting, to go - writing it down on here will make things seem a bit more 'intense' if you want to put it that way but it really isn't!

OP, I would have been upset too, a lunch invite like that to me means 'food, chat, coffee, relaxed afternoon'... not scarfing down food in under and hour and then dashing off! Rude!

I think I'd talk to her though, say 'such a shame you had to dash off, I'd looked forward to a lazy afternoon chatting and drinking coffee with you.'

Then leave the ball in her court - if she is going to be a good friend then you should be able to talk to her. If she isn't then better to find out sooner rather than later!

EmpressSoleil · 07/05/2023 17:39

I love roast lamb, can I come next time? I’ll bring desert and wine 😁I think she was really rude. You don’t just eat and run. I wouldn’t have booked anything for afterwards and taken my cue from my host as to a good time to leave. At the very least she should have offered to help clean up and have a coffee or whatever.

I do agree with others in that for your own sake, don’t go to so much trouble again for a new friend. I don’t think this woman has any excuse as if she wasn’t sure how much she wanted the friendship to develope she should have turned down lunch. But it’s a lesson learned.

Emmamoo89 · 07/05/2023 17:39

YADNBU X

Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/05/2023 17:39

She was rude af OP - you did nothing wrong

readingismycardio · 07/05/2023 17:43

You seem very kind, OP and a good host! When you told her about the roast she could've said there's no need for you to bother, she won't stay long.

chopc · 07/05/2023 17:44

I have met friends during lunch breaks and try to squeeze every minute of the hour sometimes having to run back to the office

It's not you OP, it's her. Perhaps she has some social anxiety you don't know about as you don't know her that well?

Liberacesvelvetcoat · 07/05/2023 17:45

YANBU to feel upset and hurt- she was 100% rude and ill mannered.

That said, you seem very focused on whether she liked you or not but a more pertinent question is: do you like her? I think thats the problem with both friendships and dating, we get so caught up in "omg do they like me?" that we forget that 50% of the point of meeting is to determine whether we like them too. Placing the focus on worrying about her liking you and going to so much effort for a roast dinner makes it all about her. Its not- its also about you too and for you to determine whether you enjoy her company and whether you find her someone you could potentially become friends with. I'm not saying you were wrong to go that much trouble- it sounds lovely, but next time, make it more casual- coffee and cake as PP have suggested.

Consider yourself here- your feelings are important too and making it casual for the first meeting means you wont feel so let down when people disappoint you. You cant change her actions but you can change yours so dont lose sight of your own needs and feelings in your quest to find friends. I think the danger of placing so much importance on "do they like me" is that it puts that person on a bit of a pedestal and you end up doing everything you can to impress them. You honestly dont need to do that- a chat over cake is more than enough for someone to realise whether they would appreciate you as a friend or not.

None of the above changes that she was rude AF but just wanted to remind you to value yourself just as much as you would any potential future friend.

Stripedbag101 · 07/05/2023 17:46

Stripedbag101 · 07/05/2023 17:28

I am sorry but this is ridiculous. You don’t arrive at someone’s house for Sunday lunch and only stay 40mins!

I had friends this afternoon for fixer and they stayed two hours!

Show quote history

For coffee!! Not fixer???

JudgeRudy · 07/05/2023 17:48

@Tabitha1960 My first thoughts were the same as @LividHouse 's

"You do sound quite intense, with a clear vision of how it “should” have gone.

It’s possible she found that stifling."

You haven't actually said you used to work with this woman so I'm assuming you were maybe a customer of hers at some stage and exchanged some pleasantries. You've then bumped into each other and initiated conversation and become acquaintances. At one of these interactions you've invited her round for Sunday dinner. There's nothing 'wrong' about this but it's a little unusual. I'm wondering why you didn't say "Oh, i was thinking about getting a coffee. Shall we sit down for half hour rather than standing in the street/behind the biscuit aisle?"
She's accepted your invite and thought either oh why not or it's hard not to....after the invite she's then started to feel uneasy/weird about coming for dinner so arranged an escape with her son if she needed it. She needed it.
What on earth did the 3 hours prep and four hours clearing up involve?! This indicates to me that you had elevated this into a huge occasion and your vibes were just too much.
Harsh as it sounds, I don't think she used you at all. She was being open hearted. She got a dinner out of it but to you it was the high light of the week. She actually gave way more than the dinner. She tried hard but that was her limit.
I wonder if you've been so isolated or lonely you've lost your social skills. It's a shame because if you'd have played it differently you could have maybe made a friend. As it is you sound like a date thats insisted on paying for dinner then got angry because he didn't get laid or see you again.

LoobyDop · 07/05/2023 17:48

Sounds to me as though she’s in thrall to her son- dropping everything and running the minute he whistles. It was very rude no matter what the reason, and it’s really tedious being friends who will drop you like a hot brick the minute the special one shows up, so at least you know not to waste your time.

KarmaStar · 07/05/2023 17:49

💐💐you sound lovely.
She sounds awful!!
I would keep away from her and not continue this fake fb communication.
The pp who said your guest has done nothing wrong must have poor standards of behaviour themselves.
Look elsewhere for decent friends but please do not let this woman use you again,no matter how friendly she appears.even sharks smile.