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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

458 replies

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

OP posts:
mainsfed · 07/05/2023 16:47

She was rude but don’t worry, most people aren’t like that.

Next time invite people for a coffee first so you can see that gore before investing time and effort and money in cooking for them.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/05/2023 16:48

She was very rude and should be ashamed of behaving that way. Better to know and not persist with anything more than a very minor friendship. Definitely don't expect her to reciprocate with invitations as she's made it clear she's got other priorities. Save your energies for people who'll value your time and the effort you go to.

TakingTheCake · 07/05/2023 16:48

Any chance her son was early? Could be that, as the walked there, she was later to arrive than she expected?

I can understand staying for 1.5 or two hours or something on a first occasion, as not wanting to overstay. But 40 mins does sound very odd!

WorldOutThere · 07/05/2023 16:49

Whilst your psychology and expectations could be seen as a little detailed and intense, your actions absolutely weren’t.

She was downright rude. If you go to someone’s house for a roast you stay at least a couple of hours.

She used you for a delicious meal. At least you know now. Don’t let this put you off. Most decent people don’t behave like this.

This is about her not you. Roll your eyes and move on.

NeedToChangeName · 07/05/2023 16:49

Eudaimonia5 · 07/05/2023 16:11

I think you've both been a bit unreasonable.

A full lunch with all the trimmings is a bit much for a potential new friend. You say you expected her to stay for dessert and then coffee which sounds like several hours. It would have been better to meet her for a casual lunch or just coffee. Either that or invite her round for something light like sandwiches.

The lunch with all the trimmings and hours or chatting sounds great for a friend you're close to but not for someone who you usually just bump into. She's a new potential friend, you're both still deciding whether you get on well enough to be proper friends.

She's been unreasonable for only staying for 40 minutes. She could have stayed for an hour. But maybe she got freaked out by all the effort you'd gone to and kind of felt that you'd taken her hostage for the whole day.

@Eudaimonia5 I agree with this. You were kind to go to so much trouble, but perhaps a bit much for a casual acquaintance

YaWeeFurryBastard · 07/05/2023 16:49

Itchyfleet · 07/05/2023 16:12

Oh OP don’t listen to people saying you are intense or stifling or had odd expectations.

you offered a very kind invite which was accepted and you graciously went to a lot of effort to make it pleasant for your guest.

her departure sounds odd and rude and I wonder if she is a bit lacking in social graces. Did she bring a gift or contribution at all? Has she mentioned returning the invitation?

it sounds like any friendship with her will be on her terms which is brief and superficial.

you sound lovely - a wonderful hostess and kind friend. Don’t let it put you off- keep searching for groups and new friends and you will find someone more on your wavelength in time.

Agree with this. You sound lovely, thoughtful and a kind person willing to make the effort.

Thighlengthboots · 07/05/2023 16:50

IF thats the kind of person she is you have dodged a bullet there- she sounds staggeringly rude/entitled. I wouldnt be interacting with her any more on FB. When people show you who they are- believe them the first time. If you carry on trying with this person you'll likely get more of the same selfish behaviour.

There are plenty of decent people out there OP- dont give up!

BadgerFacedCoo · 07/05/2023 16:51

She's sent the "say you need to get me now" text. She waited out the front ffs. Like a young woman on a dodgy date.

I'd suggest trying groups rather than one on one. If friendships don't come easy it can be useful to be in a group and measure you're own behaviour and how it would be perceived in a less intense setting.

youveturnedupwelldone · 07/05/2023 16:51

She was unbelievably rude and I'm surprised people are looking to excuses for her.

Finding friends tho is like dating as people have said. How many people when dating say "I've been on 20 dates and now have 20 amazing men to choose from"?

You sound really lovely, I'd have loved to be made a lovely lunch like that and it would have told me how nice and thoughtful you are. I would have brought the dessert! Hang in there, you will find people who deserve your thoughtfulness.

Clymene · 07/05/2023 16:51

That's really rude. I'm so sorry. I'd be very hurt in your shoes too.

I also want to say well done for making the effort to find new friends. It's not always easy

pinkyredrose · 07/05/2023 16:54

You sound lovely OP. She sounds as rude as hell. Don't cook for her again. She's either a user or totally lacking in social graces, neither of which you need in a friend.

DorritLittle · 07/05/2023 16:54

Tabitha1960 · 07/05/2023 15:57

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

Very rude of her. Sunday lunch does not equal 40 mins. Meeting at Pret, maybe. Sorry you feel this way OP. I have been there and it’s gutting. I bet your lunch was lovely.

mnahmnah · 07/05/2023 16:55

I would feel exactly the same, OP. The only thing I can think of is that her son turned up early, or turned up of his own accord rather than waiting for her to let him know. She may well have got in the car and told him off for coming so soon!

ChristmasCwtch · 07/05/2023 16:55

That’s so rude!!

Some people do overbook themselves without any consideration of others.

One of my friends tried to do this once. She (and her 2 kids) used to come over to my house once a month for lunch and play date. Usually they’d arrive around 11am and leave around 3:30pm. Kids would all play together whilst my friend and I would chat and drink tea and we’ve all have lunch and ice creams.

One particular day she messaged to say that they’d be arriving at 12:15pm, she was bringing her husband. Then just before they arrived she messaged to say that they’d have to leave just after 1pm. Like bugger was I going to feed them all for them to leave immediately, so I messaged back “see you shortly, it will be too rushed for lunch, so let’s have coffee instead”!!

She should have just cancelled. I was pissed off as I would have made other arrangements if I’d known in advance.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/05/2023 16:57

She was rude. You sound lovely OP. If you are in London, you are most welcome to come over for lunch. Hope you manage to make new friends where you are. Dont give up!

InSpainTheRain · 07/05/2023 16:57

Very rude of her! I'd stay longer for a coffee, let alone roast lamb!

Onelifeonly · 07/05/2023 16:58

She was rude. If the message had been something urgent, she would have told you and been very apologetic.

I have met friends for lunch / dinner/ coffee thousands of times and never had anyone leave in under about 90 minutes, two hours being common (maybe less for coffee). Around 4 hours usually if I invite them to mine or vice versa.

After all, the lunch is an excuse to be sociable - it's not a matter of eating up quickly (unless it's a lunch date during a working day and time is limited by needing to get back to work.)

I have a friend where the conversation doesn't always flow well - we still manage a couple of hours usually.

I'd be upset too. Maybe she is a people pleaser who can't say no? That's the best spin I can put on it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 16:59

YANBU - that's rude.

If she felt it was too much she should her declined the invite or suggested a coffee, not turned up and then left after 40 minutes!

I'm really surprised that some people are trying to defend her.

HairyFarnbarn · 07/05/2023 17:00

She was very rude. I’m sorry this happened to you and you aren’t wrong to be upset.

mydoghasanattitude · 07/05/2023 17:01

She was rude, treating you like a restaurant! Your expectations seem perfectly normal.

The next time you want to meet up with someone, I'd invest less effort for the first meeting. Coffee rather than a full meal, or going out for a casual lunch or small treat so that neither of you have bear the burden of hosting. Most people most likely wouldn't be as rude as this woman was, but it's good to keep things light and simple at first.

NotMyFinestMoment · 07/05/2023 17:02

You sound lovely and she sounds like a horrid user. For this particular lady, I wouldn't go to that trouble again. If she wants to have a friendship with you, I would let her do the running next time. Personally I would also draw a line under that particular friendship because she's done it once, so she's likely to do it again (she's probably done it before).

IsItUs · 07/05/2023 17:03

She is ignorant and rude. By any standard I feel. Surprised people are suggesting you might have been intense and I don't agree. No excuse for her behaviour.
On any level coming for 40 mins is rude - it wasn't meant to be a whizz in to a fast food joint for a free meal before back to her life.
I'd write this one off tbh. If she invites you to do something or go to hers, go with it if you want to, but I wouldn't put any more effort in at this point with her!
For future invites (other friends) keep it more simple - quiche and salad or something. Nothing wrong with what you did, but test the water more before a lot of effort.

TellingBone · 07/05/2023 17:03

BadgerFacedCoo · 07/05/2023 16:51

She's sent the "say you need to get me now" text. She waited out the front ffs. Like a young woman on a dodgy date.

I'd suggest trying groups rather than one on one. If friendships don't come easy it can be useful to be in a group and measure you're own behaviour and how it would be perceived in a less intense setting.

I think it's this. For whatever reason [perhaps she's uncomfortable in such situations and pushed herself to come at all] she had an escape planned if she felt she wasn't coping.

whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2023 17:04

Yes that was rude and what if the dinner wasnt ready stright away would she hav just walked out in the middle

dont know why people are saying its intense she told the woman it was sunday roast if she didnt want to come she should have said so

ive never rocked up at someones houst ate lunch then left

Ihatepickingausername3 · 07/05/2023 17:04

Very rude of her. Throw her back.