Lunch guest. AIBU to feel hurt?

[Tabitha1960]

I'm a single lady in my sixties and have very few female friends so made a vow to make extra efforts to try to make some.

Having chatted to a local divorcee in her early 50s a few times, I initially knew her through her job and then from bumping into her now and again and stopping for a chat. As she seemed to like me and we have things in common, I invited her to my house for Sunday lunch. I asked her if roast lamb and all the trimmings would be OK and her eyes lit up, and she said something like, "oooh yummy, that would be lovely!" She lives about a mile away and chose to walk to mine arriving at 1pm.

As you can imagine I was rushed off my feet all morning not just preparing all the food from scratch but tidying and cleaning the kitchen-diner and making everything nice for her.

Lunch was ready when she arrived so I served up and everything went perfectly. It took us about half an hour to eat the meal at a leisurely pace, she was all smiles and compliments and we chatted a little in between bites, she telling me about her two grown up children and four grandchildren. She complimented the food and my house and seemed to really enjoy my company. That is why what happened came as such a shock. As I was clearing away the plates, at 1.40pm she received a text message on her phone. She read it and stood up, smiling, and saying cheerily, "Oh, that was my son, he's already on his way to pick me up. Thank you for a lovely lunch!" Then she picked up her bag and collected her jacket and walked out of my front door to wait for her son's car.

I pretended to be all breezy and smiley and perfectly happy with her departure, but I wasn't really. She was here for literally 40 minutes. When we agreed the date she didn't say she would have to squeeze me into a busy schedule. She made no mention of having anything else to do on that day. I felt gutted because I had assumed it was an "open-ended" lunch in which we'd have dessert, then coffees, then sit around chatting and having a laugh and getting to know one another for a couple of hours. I imagined she'd offer to help with the dishes (which I would of course have refused).

As I tackled the pile of washing up I felt really upset, and even shed a couple of silly tears. What she did felt rather rude and I felt "used". Three hours preparing for her visit, and another hour clearing up, for 40 minutes of her company!

Had it been some kind of emergency of course I would not mind but I don't understand why she told her son to come and collect her at 1.40pm when she knew I'd gone to the trouble of a roast and "all the trimmings."

Isn't there a saying or proverb about "eating and running?"

This was a few weeks ago. We have since interacted on Facebook with lighthearted and witty comments on each others' walls, but she has not asked to meet up again. I'm sad because I really like her and she seemed to like me a lot.

AIBU?

Yes, you are BU -- it only takes 40 minutes to eat lunch so she was right to arrange collection at 1.40pm.

No, you are not BU - she was very rude leaving so quickly

She was rude. I'd expect meeting someone for coffee to last longer than 40 mins. If someone invited me round for Sunday lunch like that I'd expect it to take in the full afternoon.

No wonder you were upset

Is she from this country?

I only ask because I spent time abroad where an invitation to dinner meant just that - you went for dinner and then left. I know, I know, clutching at straws!

Otherwise it really does seem odd. Yanbu to be disappointed.

Despite agreeing the visitor was rude, and the OP sounds lovely, kind and generous, I tend to agree.

Perhaps the visitor was excepting a group lunch, OPs friends/family etc., to be there too? I hesitate to say it, but the intensity of a one-on-one lengthy lunch with a fairly new aquaintance would be too much for me too.

OP, take onboard the advice offered by others - casual coffees, quick lunches etc. and I'm sure you'll find your tribe without any trouble or rudeness.

Yeah that’s rough. X

but the intensity of a one-on-one lengthy lunch with a fairly new aquaintance would be too much for me too

I'd feel far more uncomfortable to be invited for lunch by an aquaintance only to find out their whole family/other friends were present too- I've never even met these people before!!

As PP says, maybe she was expecting a group lunch, given she hardly knows you.

Sorry for what happened OP. It reminded of something that happened to me a few years ago. An old schoolfriend I hadn't seen for a long time was coming to London to take her mother to some reunion and also had some friends in a neighbouring road. She may have had a tight schedule but I was rather taken aback when she sat down, ate her lunch (no comment on the house or kitchen which had recently been redone) got up and left to visit the friends!

This, I think. It was a huge amount of trouble to go to for someone who is still at the ‘initial acquaintance who might become a friend’ stage. I moved countries recently and am on the lookout for new friends locally. I happened to meet someone who lives nearby who used to be a colleague of a friend, and she invited me around for a coffee yesterday morning. It was great, and we hit it off, which I’m very pleased about, but it was a matter of a cup of coffee (and the offer of a croissant, which I turned down!), and I had to leave after an hour, as I had to take my 11 year old to a match, and she was on call. I messaged to thank her and to suggest another meeting after I get back from a work trip.

I think that’s a better ‘first date’ scenario, tbh — no one’s over-invested, or has gone to a disproportionate amount of effort which needs to be ‘matched’ or risk causing disappointment.

I would have been very hurt too, she was definitely rude.

That was bloody rude of her.
I don’t care how much or little effort someone has put into making lunch for me, it’s a very generous and kind gesture regardless. She was incredibly rude, I’m staggered tbh! Sorry op, if you’re my neighbour come on round, we can sit and have a drink in the garden 💐

I think her behaviour was fine. People have things to do at the weekend.

People also don't want to overstay their welcome. I went for tea and scones at someone's house recently. I stayed for about an hour.

I then thought that she would have things that she needed to do. And I headed off.

Your circumstances are playing a part in this. You said you don't have many female friends.

So you were lonely and you wanted her to stay for longer.

She might have arranged to spend time with her son in the afternoon. And she fit you in before that. People have other things to do

YABU

It sounds like her son turned up earlier than expected which is why she went before dessert (surely you’d stay for dessert!), so she hadn’t actually left at that time.

Did he drop her off?
Did she have another way to get home?

I wouldn’t be upset about this as the first proper meeting is always quite short but I’d see how things go in the future.

If she reaches out and thanks you for a lovely meal then she seems ok.
If you don’t hear anything off her then she’s a CF.

You chose to do a big meal which required a lot of washing up and I wouldn’t judge her on just this alone.

I'm shocked by how unbelievably rude she was! She came for lunch, ate your delicious meal then left without even offering to help clear up.

Geez. What terrible manners. You are well rid of her. What a user.

I think it was rude. My assumption would have been to stay minimum couple of hours if it's lunch. She must have arranged it before hand which would have been weird. Of course she might have had to squeeze you in but then you should explain it at the outset. Odd

She was sooooooo RUDE!
Dont see how anyone could think otherwise! Like genuinely how?!

Dont let it put you off Op, not everyone is like her.

Very rude, I would be upset too! Avoid her!

Reminds me when I went for a night away with a friend. When we met on Saturday lunchtime she she had to leave Sunday first thing to go to her nieces bday party. I felt annoyed having driven 2hrs, spent a fair bit of money on a hotel room to then be left on my own on the Sunday!. Personally I would have rearranged the trip than do that to someone or not gone to the party if I'd already committed to something else. I don't people care these days though, they do what they want. She had thr cheek to ask me for a lift to the station on Sunday morning to which I said I'm going the opposite way as I'm doing a tour of the city before heading home....not true but hey ho!

Is there any chance she asked her son to pick her up and he turned up sooner than she expected?

So even for tea and scones you stayed for an hour, @Mooshamoo . This woman came for a sit down roast meal and only stayed 40 minutes. I think she was rude. All these excuses pp have suggested aren't really valid. Even if she expected a group meal, she could have stayed longer. If she was busy, she should have declined. I'm wondering if you could join an interest group or club, OP? It's often a good way to meet like minded people.

Twenty years ago, I invited another mum round with her young son to play with mine. We were sitting drinking coffee and the children were playing happily, when she suddenly leapt up, snatched her DS and left.

I have bumped into her over the years, and she always makes a reference to "having had to leave suddenly...", so I've never forgotten it. But I've never had an explanation as to why. 😂Some people are just odd - it's them not you!

I think that’s a better ‘first date’ scenario, tbh — no one’s over-invested, or has gone to a disproportionate amount of effort which needs to be ‘matched’ or risk causing disappointment.

Whenever I have a first date I always do something that’s an hour max eg a coffee.

If it’s going terrible then you don’t have to be there very long and if it’s going well then you can rearrange another meet up.

I would never plan to spend 2+ hours with someone on a first meet up.
I am a bag of nerves and need time to calm myself afterwards.

@Mooshamoo

nah staying 40 mins when you’ve had a home cooked meal made for you is proper rude.

People don’t do that in the real world. They bring a bottle of wine, stay after the meal for a coffee and chat, offer to help clear up etc. No one scoffs and then clears off cos they’ve “got things to do”.

She lives about a mile away so unless OP has forgotten to mention a disability/ something else stopping her from being able to walk a short distance, she could have walked home!

I think it can be quiet awkward depending on chat etc but 40 minutes at someone's home (taking most of it eating) when they've cooked dinner is rude.

If she had to squeeze it in with something else, she should have said/asked to rearrange. I don't think OP had forced her to come.

She wasnextremely rude and hurtful, Op. I feel really sorry for you. You weren't in any way intense btw. If you still want to pursue a friendship with this woman then in a few weeks time suggest coffee and cake at a local cafe. If that goes well, continue meeting up in that vein for a good while before reissuing invites to your home. If she's rude at the cafe and leaves almost after you arrive, don't bother with her again.

Did you tell her how much effort you had put in in the same way you listed it all in your OP? If so then that might have made her uncomfortable. You made it all seem rather intense. Most people in their 60s are balancing family, work, gc, etc. Someone saying they'd spent a morning preparing, specially tidying, etc, would be unusual.
ime a lunch stretching into the afternoon is something that happens with long established friendships, not the first time someone visits your house.

I think she was rude OP and you sound very kind. When you accept such an invitation you are well aware of the trouble the host has gone to. And that a lunch would last longer than 40 minutes. She shouldn’t have accepted your kind offer if she couldn’t give that amount of time. It is rude.

Good for you trying to make new friends. If she turned up empty handed it doesn’t message to say thank you then you have seen her true colours.

To protect yourself a bit more next time - I would offer coffee/cake just so you don’t go to lots of effort for nothing.