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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that big, expensive weddings are vulgar?

294 replies

Supernova23 · 07/05/2023 13:19

I know someone who is getting married soon-ish and the total spend will be in excess of £50,000 for the day. Anyone else think these events are horribly vulgar? I love a small, intimate wedding, but for so many it seems to be a competition on who can spend the most. All for a few naff Instagram photos.

OP posts:
3BSHKATS · 07/05/2023 18:37

DanceMonster · 07/05/2023 18:34

Must have been. No chance you can get a posh country club with band and good food for anything like £5k now, unless you only had 3 guests.

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The band would be £2500 I'm booking a birthday do, I find insert the word wedding and the cost increases too

usedtobeasizeten · 07/05/2023 18:38

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2023 13:27

Calling something 'vulgar' is snobbish. I think I'd rather be vulgar than a snob.

That’ll be me then…I say ‘vulgar’ oh! and ‘common’

Garethkeenansstapler · 07/05/2023 18:40

YABU. Life can be really boring, I love a big party and a reason to get very dressed up. Small weddings are fine if that’s what you want but as a guest I find them a bit suffocating - socialising with the same 10 or 15 people all day, you can’t really get a dance floor going. I suppose I just like a good piss up 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think people try so hard to be classy sometimes they actually miss the mark. I mean even King Charles is having Take That at his coronation concert later… really wealthy posh people actually like a bit of glitter in my experience.

Boujee11 · 07/05/2023 18:45

If they can afford it I don’t see the problem? (And if they can’t, it wouldn’t be my problem)! Weddings are very expensive now, we got married last year and our venue charged us £9k for 80 guests, they have now raised their prices significantly due to spiralling costs, the same package at the same day/month in 2023 would cost over £15k! I have friends being quoted £40k for just a venue for 100 people on a summer Saturday and I am in the north.

Plenty of couples get married when they are old enough to be on the property ladder but before having kids, 90% of my friends have got married at this stage in life, so they already have decent jobs and incomes.

I can understand why some couples want more guests than 80 and this is the main thing that pushes the cost up. It’s pretty much the only day of your life where guests make an effort to come to celebrate and you can get everyone you love in one room - luckily DH have small families - so 80 covered everyone we wanted there. And if we were inviting those people we wanted them to have a good time, and a band, good photographer etc doesn’t come cheap. Most of our suppliers were hit hard by covid and then again by rising costs so I don’t begrudge paying them.

And as PP have said, the few very expensive weddings I’ve been to have been amazing 😀

alwaysmovingforwards · 07/05/2023 19:17

It's their day, so they can do as they please!

Florenz · 07/05/2023 19:27

It's just one day, then the next day you start married life with a big bill to pay. I'd rather have a basic wedding and spend money on something more important.

gettingoldisshit · 07/05/2023 19:28

I know what you mean op! I find the more money that it costs the more it seems to be about the wedding day rather than the actual marriage! Obviously its up to the couple what they decide to spend but i find big, flashy weddings tend to end up slightly tacky!

Garethkeenansstapler · 07/05/2023 19:36

Florenz · 07/05/2023 19:27

It's just one day, then the next day you start married life with a big bill to pay. I'd rather have a basic wedding and spend money on something more important.

Some people can do both. And let’s face it, as a guest a fancy meal and excellent party is always going to be welcome!

nicetoseetgesunsout · 07/05/2023 19:38

I have friends who had a massive wedding - think £35k 20 years ago. They split up 18mths later. She had an affair and got caught out.
He got married again and it was a very tiny affair, just him, his wife, their two daughters and his parents. They're still together, over ten years later.

DanceMonster · 07/05/2023 19:41

nicetoseetgesunsout · 07/05/2023 19:38

I have friends who had a massive wedding - think £35k 20 years ago. They split up 18mths later. She had an affair and got caught out.
He got married again and it was a very tiny affair, just him, his wife, their two daughters and his parents. They're still together, over ten years later.

These anecdotes are just ridiculous 😂. They split because they should never have married in the first place and she was a cheat. Nothing to do with how much they spent.
Our wedding was over £50k. However as we’re a good match, love each other, respect each other and haven’t cheated on each other, we’re still married 14 years later. I imagine we’d still be married 14 years later if we’d eloped and dragged witnesses off the street, too.

Florenz · 07/05/2023 19:42

If you have money, fair enough. But no-one should spend a significant amount of money (for them) on a wedding. They're a total racket.

KatP75 · 07/05/2023 19:48

DanceMonster · 07/05/2023 19:41

These anecdotes are just ridiculous 😂. They split because they should never have married in the first place and she was a cheat. Nothing to do with how much they spent.
Our wedding was over £50k. However as we’re a good match, love each other, respect each other and haven’t cheated on each other, we’re still married 14 years later. I imagine we’d still be married 14 years later if we’d eloped and dragged witnesses off the street, too.

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I agree. Maybe people also divorce when they realise they are married to judgemental, unkind people… like on this thread.

Mari9999 · 07/05/2023 19:51

@gettingoldisshit
How is the amount of money you spend on a wedding related to the actual marriage. If you spend 50 at a Registry or have a 500 guest ceremony, how does either of these events speak to the value or significance given to the actual marriage?

People should be free to spend as much or as little on a wedding as they so choose.

Clarabe1 · 07/05/2023 19:58

I have been a few expensive weddings and to be honest most of them have been identical. I do roll my eyes at the inevitable ‘Mr and Mrs’ lights on the dance floor, the old fashioned sweet trolley and bloody naff balloon arches that are everywhere. I don’t care what anyone spends but I do wish people would show a bit of imagination and not get all of their inspiration from instagram.

DanceMonster · 07/05/2023 20:00

Clarabe1 · 07/05/2023 19:58

I have been a few expensive weddings and to be honest most of them have been identical. I do roll my eyes at the inevitable ‘Mr and Mrs’ lights on the dance floor, the old fashioned sweet trolley and bloody naff balloon arches that are everywhere. I don’t care what anyone spends but I do wish people would show a bit of imagination and not get all of their inspiration from instagram.

We didn’t have any of those things, and I haven’t been to any weddings with them either. Ah actually I’ve just remembered I went to one with a sweet trolley about 10 years ago, but not encountered one since then.

DanceMonster · 07/05/2023 20:02

Also, I imagine these people you supposedly care about (otherwise you wouldn’t go to their wedding) who have paid for you to eat/drink/whatever, who invited you to share their special day, would be really pleased to hear you’re rolling your eyes at their choice of wedding and slagging it off online.

Clarabe1 · 07/05/2023 20:04

@DanceMonster Maybe you go to classier weddings than me!

Clarabe1 · 07/05/2023 20:08

@DanceMonster sorry did I describe your wedding or something? Something obviously touched a nerve. Did you have the ubiquitous balloon arch and now you are doubting your choices?

coeurnoir · 07/05/2023 20:10

We're going to a big fancy wedding in a castle next weekend. It is my husbands sister. She has been with her fiancé now for 3 years and I've never seen her happier than she has been since she met him.
Their wedding is entirely paid for by themselves. They have good jobs and her husband to be had an inheritance last year which he decided to put towards the having the wedding of their dreams.
My daughter is going to be a bridesmaid and my sister in law has asked me to do a reading and be a witness, my son is going to be an usher. My husband is giving her away as their father died after a long illness a few years ago.
I haven't asked how much it cost as I'm not that crass, but I imagine it will be in the £50K mark. And so what? It won't be vulgar, it won't be on Instagram, it will just be a wonderful celebration for a wonderful couple and a chance for people who love them both to get together for a party in a fantastic setting with amazing food, wine and music.

Having had a cheap and nasty first wedding, I am so incredibly pleased that my sister in law and her future husband is having exactly what they want.

DanceMonster · 07/05/2023 20:13

Clarabe1 · 07/05/2023 20:08

@DanceMonster sorry did I describe your wedding or something? Something obviously touched a nerve. Did you have the ubiquitous balloon arch and now you are doubting your choices?

As I said in my first post to you, I didn’t have any of those things.
I just think it’s shitty behaviour to slag off the choices of people they supposedly care about, who have spent money on hosting them. Just my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Meggie2008 · 07/05/2023 20:14

Weddings are sooo expensive these days. We're planning ours at the moment and we're 6.5k just for the venue alone (65 day guests and a further 45 at night)

Sissynova · 07/05/2023 20:14

I had a hugely expensive wedding.
Gorgeous wedding dress that was thousands over what I thought I would spend, expensive venue, lots of floral arrangements, loads of money spent on food and drink.

We had a ball, so did our friends and family.

Anyone who thinks they automatically have a better relationship because they had a cheap wedding is just trying to convince themselves. That’s like saying people who take cheaper holidays have better marriages.

You’re not better than someone because you didn’t spend much on a wedding. Yawn.

gogogoji · 07/05/2023 20:56

coeurnoir · 07/05/2023 20:10

We're going to a big fancy wedding in a castle next weekend. It is my husbands sister. She has been with her fiancé now for 3 years and I've never seen her happier than she has been since she met him.
Their wedding is entirely paid for by themselves. They have good jobs and her husband to be had an inheritance last year which he decided to put towards the having the wedding of their dreams.
My daughter is going to be a bridesmaid and my sister in law has asked me to do a reading and be a witness, my son is going to be an usher. My husband is giving her away as their father died after a long illness a few years ago.
I haven't asked how much it cost as I'm not that crass, but I imagine it will be in the £50K mark. And so what? It won't be vulgar, it won't be on Instagram, it will just be a wonderful celebration for a wonderful couple and a chance for people who love them both to get together for a party in a fantastic setting with amazing food, wine and music.

Having had a cheap and nasty first wedding, I am so incredibly pleased that my sister in law and her future husband is having exactly what they want.

sounds lovely but the OP thinks they are vulgar. Charming huh!

Boujee11 · 07/05/2023 21:08

DiscoDragon · 07/05/2023 14:50

I think big expensive weddings can be rather pointless when you can still have a lovely day for a fraction of the cost.

I know one couple who spent around £25,000 on their big day, it was in a local church with the reception held in a village hall. They had a large number of bridesmaids and pageboys, which is were I think a lot of the money was spent. They also bought a lot of unnecessary tat such as personalised napkins and match-books and balloons etc. For all the money spent it wasn't a particularly elegant or classy affair and I don't recall seeing the bride smile at any point during the whole day. After the wedding the couple had a lot of debt to pay back, so much so that they needed to move back in with parents for a few years, they could only afford a few days away in the UK for their honeymoon.

On the other hand I had a family member who spent around £5000 in total on their wedding and it was a much nicer day. A church wedding followed by a reception at a rather posh country club, a lovely meal and live music and everyone had a lovely day. They only had the one bridesmaid, no pointless tat and had plenty of money left over for a fantastic long honeymoon abroad and to continue paying all their normal bills and mortgage etc.

There’s absolutely no way you can get married for £5k nowadays in a country club, with live music and have plenty left for a long honeymoon abroad. Even if you only have 1 bridesmaid and no ‘tat’! I only had 1 bridesmaid, we got married in church then had a reception in a pretty low key venue with a band. Including our honeymoon it is costing about £20k. The band alone was £2500!

KatP75 · 07/05/2023 21:23

DanceMonster · 07/05/2023 20:02

Also, I imagine these people you supposedly care about (otherwise you wouldn’t go to their wedding) who have paid for you to eat/drink/whatever, who invited you to share their special day, would be really pleased to hear you’re rolling your eyes at their choice of wedding and slagging it off online.

This is what I find most unpleasant on this thread.

I remember the morning after we got married, my husband and I were so happy to finally be married and I recall us excitedly reflecting on our wedding day - we still do a long time afterwards. To think that there were some guests - who we loved enough to invite to share our day with us and paid a lot of money per person for so they’d be very comfortable, well fed and watered all day - slagging it off is just pretty incomprehensible to me. We’ve never woken up the morning after a wedding and said anything other than “Wasn’t it a lovely day?”

Like I said upthread, it says far more about the guests than the couple.