Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everything I did wrong yesterday according to DH

267 replies

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:03

DH and I have been having issues for a while. 2 full time jobs, 2 children (7 &2) and the fact we barely see each other due to him working shifts and me being office based don't help but its getting to the point where I actually dread spending time with him at weekends and yesterday is a classic example of why.

Below is a list of everything I did wrong according to DH and he critiqued me for:

When the dc woke up in the morning I went downstairs and did then drinks and a snack for the oldest but didn't do dh or myself a drink. I didn't have the hands to carry drinks up for us as well, but apparently it was selfish of me to not even make them and then either of us could have gone back downstairs to get them

Both dc have swimming lessons on a Saturday. Youngest hasn't been for a few weeks due to various reasons. Got to his lesson and he was the only one there and he was obviously not happy to be in the lesson (screaming to the point of being hysterical) so the teacher and I agreed there was no point forcing it so I got him out and took him in the the main pool. After a while he did calm down but he wasn't himself

We went to a friends in the afternoon and it was a busy house (5 adults and 6 children including ours) youngest hasn't been there before so was very overwhelmed and had just woken up from a nap when we got there so was a bit emotional so wanted to sit on my lap. He also hadn't had much lunch so I got him some lunch and let him eat on my lap. According to dh I should have put him down on the floor and let him eat there so he wasn't attached to me. After 30 minutes dc got down himself and was fine and spent the day running around having fun.

Whilst at friends house, youngest wanted to walk around but wanted me to go with them (their house has a loop so you can walk through) and he wanted to hold my hand while going through which I was fine with and especially being someone else's house, but according to DH I should have just left him to it and not gone with him.

When we got into bed last night I apparently stole the duvet when I tried to cuddle up to him (I moved it about 1cm) which resulted in him shouting at me to get off and he's still not talking to me know after everything I did wrong yesterday

These seem like minor things now I've written them down but these are just examples of what a day is like.

And if you made it to the end well done!

OP posts:
NannaKaren · 08/05/2023 17:37

He is horrid - need a chat - what’s wrong with everything - hope you are ok you little star xxx

Bekstar · 08/05/2023 17:57

Take his duvet and pillow downstairs and lay it on kitchen floor. Then tell him he's sleeping down there. So he can have a duvet to himself and is in easy enough reach to help himself to drinks, tell him you'll also send the kids down in the morning and he can see to them and 9f he has any more criticism then he can do it there. While you have some peace upstairs and a lie in.

Honestly like many say don't put up with it. It'll only get worse if you allow it. My husband criticized how I made his pasta because his mum did this dish different. So I politely reminded him his mum had cut him off years ago and was a control freak which had already ruined his life to some degree, so I wasnt particularly interested in how she made her pasta but if he preferred that I'd give her a ring and see if she wanted him back and she could cook for him. He has never said anything about my pasta since.

Holliegee · 08/05/2023 18:03

I’ve been in a emotionally abusive relationship and this is one.

you can have a much better life without him in it.

Tinklake44 · 08/05/2023 18:04

This sounds exhausting for you, congratulations on passing your course it must have been hard work with a job and family x he sounds jealous of your success x

ShinyCaptain · 08/05/2023 18:10

I see it as a sort of constructive dismissal. He'll drive you into leaving, but officially leaving will be your idea, your fault, on you, and he'll be some kind of victim of it.

Skyelils · 08/05/2023 18:18

He’s a bully

Harls1969 · 08/05/2023 18:20

OP I'm glad you're getting sorted, your post made me feel anxious and panicky and I'm not in your situation (any more). You and your DC deserve better. All the very best

Sizzer40 · 08/05/2023 18:35

Thank him for his appraisal, and tell him if he’s not happy with your ‘performance’, then he is free to leave.

CountryMouse22 · 08/05/2023 18:38

Sorry to say this but I wonder if there's another woman. This sort of behaviour displayed by a man who patently doesn't want to be there and is trying to alienate his wife, perhaps pushing her into a separation.

Talia99 · 08/05/2023 18:39

I gave serious thought to voting YABU - for not having told him to leave.

Your actual behaviour is definitely NU.

It sounds to me like he’s trying to leave you but making you pull the trigger on the breakup so he can be the innocent victim of the harpy wife forever after.

Missingpop · 08/05/2023 18:52

Sorry for the language but it’s about time the miserable fucking twat grew up stopped acting like a fucking spoilt brat & helped you they're his children & he’s behaving like he resents them needing your attention the fact he was happy for a two yr old to eat on the floor or to wander unsupervised around a strange house speaks volumes; you need to set the twat right or you’ll spend your life walking on eggshells

Loobieloogold · 08/05/2023 18:59

Oh OP, I hear you and I feel this. This could have been what I consider a "good" day with my soon to be ex husband. Like this for years and years, my son is now 10. I got used to it to the point of exhaustion and eventually a breakdown 4 years ago. He is however also very controlling and manipulative. Please don't let this carry on if you can. Call him out for his apparent household management / parenting skills and being at logger heads with you. You are doing a great job honey xx

AnnieSnap · 08/05/2023 19:04

It sounds unreasonable for you to be cuddling up to him 😮

ThinWomansBrain · 08/05/2023 19:06

One major thing you did wrong - not LTB

keffie12 · 08/05/2023 19:19

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:32

I don't think he is having an affair (he's too lazy for that!) I honestly think he is jealous of the relationship I have with the kids.

I do admit that they always come first and I am bad at taking dh for granted but they children are still young and I expect him to do the same and always put them first.

I have given up everything over the years. Dh still goes to football every other weekend as well as some of the away games so can be out most Saturdays where as I am always here with the children and I have never once stopped him

He went on a weeks long all inclusive holiday with friends last year and again I didn't stop him. I then had to practically beg for us all to gonon a family holiday which I loved but he said was far too stressful (not to mention the list of things I did wrong on that one!) So we won't be having a family holiday this year

The course is a requirement of my role (a new role I started middle of last year - same company I have worked at for a while though) and I have been praised at work for managing to do so well on the course and maintain my main job as well, where as DH couldn't care less

A friend of mine of many years has recently got very critical of me. It is hurtful.

Instead of defending myself the other week, I said, "Tell me, why are you friends with me? All you ever do is criticise me. If you want to end the friendship, just say, " She hasn't said anything critical since.

Fitting it to him, I would turn it back on him, and every time he does it.

If things don't change, I would consider why you are still with him?.

Constant criticism is detrimental to your mental health and is in the emotional abuse category.

It doesn't sound like he pulls his weight either. Has he put the effort into building a relationship with his children, and does he put the effort into them? They are things you need to be asking yourself. If he hasn't, his relationship won't be close with them.

You're a full-time mom, homemaker, and work full time. It sounds like he is the one who needs to pull his socks up

RubyF · 08/05/2023 19:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 08/05/2023 20:01

Divorce is hard and daunting but sooooooo worth it!! I am so excited for you and your kids to have a new life!!!

Cotonsugar · 08/05/2023 20:18

He sounds like a Victorian father. Basically you did everything right to make your child feel secure and your husband did nothing to help the situation or make you feel better.
The duvet situation seems like his way of showing he’s not happy and things aren’t working between you.

Sillyname63 · 08/05/2023 20:23

He isn't having an affair is he? he sounds as if he is being critical of you all time so that you will say enough is enough and leave , that leaves him free of any blame or He is a narcissist and only he does anything right and you are too stupid that why he hasn't congratulated you on your recent achievements.

Mercyovermerit · 08/05/2023 20:26

LubaLuca · 07/05/2023 09:10

He seems to have lost all affection for you, maybe resents you for whatever reason, and is now seeing every one of your actions as aggravating.

How do you feel about him?

😳😳😳
I’m genuinely shocked by this comment ! How on earth did you come about this conclusion?!??
Accept advice from on here at your own peril, OP.
These sound like very minor, everyday occurrences parents deal with but of course, some people’s default advice is “ LTB”.
oh well …

Vinomummyinlockdown · 08/05/2023 20:33

Americano75 · 07/05/2023 09:18

You need to find your anger before this guy wears you down completely, and he will.

This

Vinomummyinlockdown · 08/05/2023 20:36

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2023 10:02

Mumsnet Patios to the Rescue. At least you’d finally get some enjoyment from him.

🤣👏👏👏👀

T1Dmama · 08/05/2023 20:40

lionsleepstonight · 07/05/2023 09:09

All I can see from your post is he's jealous of the time and effort your kids are getting. Very childish and ugly behaviour.

100% this

GET RID

Macinae · 08/05/2023 20:52

Exchange lists.

His:

Didn't bother to make drinks for anyone
Didn't feed his youngest child lunch full stop, regardless of lap or floor
Didn't walk his youngest, helping him navigate an unfamiliar environment
Reacted like a big baby over "stolen" duvet and attempts of affection

Sheerdetermination · 08/05/2023 20:55

How about going to counselling? Leaving is a huge step. It’ll mean you see your dc less. It might be worth trying to work on the relationship together. Maybe your DH will be willing to try to reconnect if he realises you’re on the brink of leaving him. Good luck