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Original poster

Everything I did wrong yesterday according to DH

267 replies

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:03

DH and I have been having issues for a while. 2 full time jobs, 2 children (7 &2) and the fact we barely see each other due to him working shifts and me being office based don't help but its getting to the point where I actually dread spending time with him at weekends and yesterday is a classic example of why.

Below is a list of everything I did wrong according to DH and he critiqued me for:

When the dc woke up in the morning I went downstairs and did then drinks and a snack for the oldest but didn't do dh or myself a drink. I didn't have the hands to carry drinks up for us as well, but apparently it was selfish of me to not even make them and then either of us could have gone back downstairs to get them

Both dc have swimming lessons on a Saturday. Youngest hasn't been for a few weeks due to various reasons. Got to his lesson and he was the only one there and he was obviously not happy to be in the lesson (screaming to the point of being hysterical) so the teacher and I agreed there was no point forcing it so I got him out and took him in the the main pool. After a while he did calm down but he wasn't himself

We went to a friends in the afternoon and it was a busy house (5 adults and 6 children including ours) youngest hasn't been there before so was very overwhelmed and had just woken up from a nap when we got there so was a bit emotional so wanted to sit on my lap. He also hadn't had much lunch so I got him some lunch and let him eat on my lap. According to dh I should have put him down on the floor and let him eat there so he wasn't attached to me. After 30 minutes dc got down himself and was fine and spent the day running around having fun.

Whilst at friends house, youngest wanted to walk around but wanted me to go with them (their house has a loop so you can walk through) and he wanted to hold my hand while going through which I was fine with and especially being someone else's house, but according to DH I should have just left him to it and not gone with him.

When we got into bed last night I apparently stole the duvet when I tried to cuddle up to him (I moved it about 1cm) which resulted in him shouting at me to get off and he's still not talking to me know after everything I did wrong yesterday

These seem like minor things now I've written them down but these are just examples of what a day is like.

And if you made it to the end well done!

OP posts:
KnitFastDieWarm · 07/05/2023 09:19

Yeah, he wants to control and demoralise you 😔it won’t get better, from my experience.

Also, bloody well done on your course (and I bet you look great in your uniform!)

MrsCarson · 07/05/2023 09:19

You could give him back a list of what he has done wrong.
Been a giant arse
Judged others wrongly
Crap father who did nothing for his children.

AlisonDonut · 07/05/2023 09:22

He can't do anything wrong if he never does anything himself.

I'd have told him to fuck off a long time ago.

MzHz · 07/05/2023 09:24

Chucklecheeks01 · 07/05/2023 09:17

If his behaviour has just started in the last few months I'd be suspicious of an affair.

That’s what crossed my mind, but sounds like he’s always been selfish and resentful

@Everythingisfallinagpart81 is this how you saw your life panning out? Would this course that you’re ACEING (high five for that!!) lead to a career that could sustain you and your kids without him?

clementyne · 07/05/2023 09:28

No advice OP, just sympathy. Reads very much like a typical day in my house. I get told off for what I say to DC, the order I do things in my morning routine, spending too much / not enough time with DC, endlessly on and on all day until it's finally time to sleep.

Original poster
Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:32

I don't think he is having an affair (he's too lazy for that!) I honestly think he is jealous of the relationship I have with the kids.

I do admit that they always come first and I am bad at taking dh for granted but they children are still young and I expect him to do the same and always put them first.

I have given up everything over the years. Dh still goes to football every other weekend as well as some of the away games so can be out most Saturdays where as I am always here with the children and I have never once stopped him

He went on a weeks long all inclusive holiday with friends last year and again I didn't stop him. I then had to practically beg for us all to gonon a family holiday which I loved but he said was far too stressful (not to mention the list of things I did wrong on that one!) So we won't be having a family holiday this year

The course is a requirement of my role (a new role I started middle of last year - same company I have worked at for a while though) and I have been praised at work for managing to do so well on the course and maintain my main job as well, where as DH couldn't care less

OP posts:
Ihaveshitfriends · 07/05/2023 09:32

If he were your colleague he’d be sacked for bullying, if he were your friend you’d end the friendship. He is the person who like you most in the world but he’s horrible to you. You deserve better.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/05/2023 09:32

He doesn't love you anymore Flowers

Leave, split the parenting

Breathe again GinCakeWine and live a life without this fucker

sandyhappypeople · 07/05/2023 09:34

The easiest way to deal with this is every time he gives you unsolicited criticism, say in a very calm many ‘why do you feel the need to put me down?’ Most effectively said in front of a room full of people if he’s doing it while you’re out.

maybe he’s doing it to elicit a response/argument? so don’t give him the chance, walk away and ignore him if needs be.

he sounds awful.

I’m not blaming you at all when I say this but you say you’ve been putting up with this for a long time.. why? bad behaviour will always escalate if you tolerate it unless you nip it in the bud. This will only get worse unless you find a way to address it/combat it somehow.

mrsbyers · 07/05/2023 09:36

Fuck that

make a record of everything he does wrong today and see how he likes being controlled and criticised

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 07/05/2023 09:36

Just get the divorce started and enjoy life, unburdened by some shitty loser of man. He can parent however he likes when he has his kids.

pictoosh · 07/05/2023 09:38

Well he's all for himself isn't he? His preferences, his agenda, his authority...he is the priority. Anything other than that is a personal attack on him.
There's not much you can do with such a self absorbed person except make plans to leave.

JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2023 09:38

Sounds like he's jealous.

Of the time, care and attention you spend on doing all of the parenting. Was he the centre of the universe before they happened?

Of the hard work you put into succeeding at your course - again not devoted to him.

Of the possibility that your skill, intelligence, committment and success might mean you could manage perfectly well at parenting, self development and earning ... solo?

HappyintheHills · 07/05/2023 09:40

The bit I can’t get over is that at the end of the day you still tried you cuddle up to him.
None of your actions were wrong, he’s an arse and you’d be happier without him.

PinkiOcelot · 07/05/2023 09:40

What an absolute wanker. Do yourself a favour and tell him to fuck off!

What do you actually say when he’s listing all of your wrongdoings?

pinkyredrose · 07/05/2023 09:41

Why are you with him? He doesn't seem to like you. Does he spend any time with the DC?

BCBird · 07/05/2023 09:41

An asshole and jealous. If two full time jobs and two children is too much,and he thinks he can do better, why not get him.to reduce his working hours do he can do more of the parenting?

JeannieAlogy · 07/05/2023 09:41

Ihaveshitfriends · 07/05/2023 09:32

If he were your colleague he’d be sacked for bullying, if he were your friend you’d end the friendship. He is the person who like you most in the world but he’s horrible to you. You deserve better.

Very well put.
The early years of parenting are hard, and full-on. He seems to want no part in raising the children or helping to ease the burden of life admin for you. He certainly doesn't appreciate you.
If I were in your position I would seriously be considering separation/divorce.

Clymene · 07/05/2023 09:42

You have to put children first when they're little. Your husband is a pathetic nasty bully.

Get you and your kids out of this relationship before he batters your self confidence to shreds

Bigpinktrain · 07/05/2023 09:42

Gosh it sounds so demoralising being around him.
Today when he offers his critiques tell him to piss off and do it himself.
I would also start thinking long term

Highdaysandholidays1 · 07/05/2023 09:43

Being criticised like this is one of the key signs you are on your way to a divorce according to John Gottman the marriage/relationship researcher. It's so undermining and makes you feel like a shit person even when you are doing just fine in life. Imagine having a life without his criticism in it! Sounds much nicer, doesn't it?

itsmylife7 · 07/05/2023 09:43

He's definitely jealous of you loving and caring for the children.

His behaviour sounds like a child having tantrums. Unfortunately, the behaviour isn't going to get any better.

Congratulations on your exam results and hopefully it's a well paid role.

Don't get stuck in the mindset of "better to have a dad than no dad "

SittingOnTheChair · 07/05/2023 09:43

Why are you putting up with this? He is treating you like shit.

Get rid of him and start breathing.

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 09:44

Have you ever sat down and criticised his entire day?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/05/2023 09:45

Constant criticism is a form of abuse. This is abusive behaviour. If you don't want to grow up with children who also display or accept abusive behaviour, something needs to change